Bagging Up – Episode 2

Click here to view Episode 1

INT. Judas’ Apartment

The guys have gathered for an emergency post-work meeting. It’s a one bedroom studio with various workout equipment scattered amongst the few pieces of furniture. The man cave has all of the latest equipment without any of the “chick shit!” Picture a large dorm room, decorated by a rich jock.

SIMON

Damn, It stinks in here.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s all those protein shakes he drinks; he’s nothing more than a big ball of odious gas.

[One of the men passes gas.]

JUDAS

Ah! You’re welcome boys.

PHILIP

Speaking of odious, did anyone catch the blowout on Saturday?

SIMON

My throat is parched. Toby, get me a beer, at once!

Bartholomew walks to the fridge and grabs a beer for Simon and hands it to him.

SIMON

Anyone else need anything?

PHILIP

I’ll have a beer.

SIMON

They’re in the fridge.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I know why Matthias isn’t here, but where the hell is James?

The doorbell sounds and buzzes the front door open. Three minutes and seven seconds elapse. Matthias walks in and holds the door open.

PHILIP

What the hell! Matt beat James?

MATTHIAS

I’m not last? I can’t wait to drink some of that free beer.

JUDAS

Hey jerk, you may close the door.

A woman walks in then Matthias closes the door.

JUDAS

Hi Michelle. It’s nice of you to come up and say hi. Have a safe drive home, thanks again for stopping by.

MICHELLE

I’m staying, jackass!

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh, how nice of you to join us; this will be so fun.

JUDAS

C’mon Matt; what’s with the chaperon?

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Give me a break guys, I’m married. Hey, where is James?

JUDAS

That’s what I wanted to talk to the FOUR of you about.

The guys all laugh except for Matthias.

MICHELLE

You guys can make all the jokes you want; I’m not going anywhere.

JUDAS

I knew you were married, but a parole officer? We promise he won’t violate his probation. We have to discuss a serious matter; we need some privacy.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re wasting your time; he tells her everything anyway.

JUDAS

Yeah, I guess you’re right.

He turns slowly towards Matthias.

JUDAS

Snitch!

MICHELLE

I don’t care about your pathetic lives.

BARTHOLOMEW

Then why are you here?

MICHELLE

I’m here because my husband is here and we always spend Wednesday nights together! Any other questions, asshole?

BARTHOLOMEW

I might be an asshole, but unlike your ass which is like the Holland Tunnel, mine is a one-way street!

Michelle becomes furious and turns to her husband.

MICHELLE

You talk about our sex life with these jerks?

MATTHIAS

No! I would never do that!

BARTHOLOMEW

I knew it. You always gave off the vibe of someone who liked it in the shitter!

SIMON

Damn, she likes the dirty doggystyle!

The guys laugh, except for Matthias.

MATTHIAS

Stop talking to these idiots. They don’t know how to be civilized; you’ll only encourage them.

MICHELLE

I don’t know why you even hang around them in the first place.

MATTHIAS

Because they need a babysitter!

JUDAS

How thoughtless of me; I’m such a bad host. ? can I get you anything? A cola, a beer, some whine, an enema, perhaps?

The guys laugh. Even Matthias lets out a slight chuckle and his wife slaps him on the shoulder.

MATTHIAS

Are you going to tell us why we are here, or not?

JUDAS

OK. Last night, I got a call at three in the morning; it was from James. He was arrested and the judge denied him bail.

SIMON

Damn, I told him to stop it with the drugs.

MICHELLE

You’re friends with a drug dealer?

BARTHOLOMEW

What? How could you Matt; you promised!

MATTHIAS

Shut up idiot.

JUDAS

Can I continue, or is this going to be a Dr Phil moment between you and your PO?

MATTHIAS

We’re fine.

JUDAS

Speaking of fine, why don’t you hook up Phil with your sister?

PHILIP

No disrespect to you Michelle, but I don’t know if I feel comfortable with you being here. I need my plausible deniability.

MATTHIAS

What the hell are you talking about? It doesn’t matter what she thinks about you.

PHILIP

I don’t want her to become friends with my future wife and start snitching about what I’ve been doing.

JUDAS

Future wife? Are you joking? How about you get some pussy first, then we can talk about future wife.

The guys all laugh at Philip.

PHILIP

Yeah right. You know I get mine.

MICHELLE

It’s ok Phil; you don’t have to proove anything to these idiots; you’re a nice guy.

BARTHOLOMEW

Does that mean he can smash your sister?

MICHELLE

Do you always have to be disgusting?

JUDAS

Yeah, hook Phil up.

MICHELLE

I like you Phil, but Sarah is way too classy for any of you. She just likes more professional guys.

BARTHOLOMEW

Classy? Sarah wasn’t so classy in the hotel room with Judas after your wedding!

Michelle stands up and stares down at Judas.

MICHELLE

You slept with my sister?

JUDAS

He’s messing with you; I never touched her.

Bartholomew laughs.

BARTHOLOMEW

Just kidding, I’m the one who banged her, but you’ll be happy to know that I used a condom!

Everyone is shocked.

JUDAS

Are you serious?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, it wasn’t anything to brag about; hence me not bragging!

Michelle hits Matthias on the back.

MICHELLE

Why didn’t you tell me your idiot friend slept with Sarah?

MATTHIAS

I didn’t know.

BARTHOLOMEW

Of course not. Do you think I would have told the group snitch.

JUDAS

Hey Phil, you still want that?

PHILIP

I’m good!

The guys laugh and Michelle gives Bartholomew a menacing stare.

MATTHIAS

Shouldn’t we be talking about James? What happened to him?

JUDAS

It wasn’t drugs. He was arrested in Tucson, Arizona.

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell was he doing there?

JUDAS

Apparently, he met some cheerleader at the USC game and followed her back to Arizona. He was caught in the dorm with alcohol and the girl was a seventeen year-old freshman.

PHILIP

What?

JUDAS

Yeah, he is charged with statutory rape and providing alcohol to a minor. The school is also considering adding charges.

MATTHIAS

I can’t believe it. How can he be so dumb?

PHILIP

It’s the power of the pussy.

JUDAS

What the hell do you know about that? She was seventeen, not a blowup doll.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

What can we do?

JUDAS

Nothing. We have to wait and see how things play out.

SIMON

I guess this means, no more Sunday football games.

JUDAS

What do you mean? We can watch the games here.

MATTHIAS

It won’t be the same.

PHILIP

And there is no way I’m spending my Sundays in this fart palace.

MICHELLE

Oh, I thought you guys didn’t notice that smell.

Judas

That might be coming from you, with your opened ass!

The guys laugh, except for Matthias.

Judas

Speaking of changes. James wanted me to tell you something, Matt. He wants you to take over the drug game until he gets back.

MICHELLE

Absolutely not!

JUDAS

Like I was saying, what are you going to do Matt; bros before hos.

MATTHIAS

Are you insane? I’m a lawyer; there is no way I’m getting involved with drugs.

BARTHOLOMEW

I knew it; he’s a sellout!

MATTHIAS

Why don’t you do it? Since you’re so “down!”

The guys all laugh.

JUDAS

We’re just fucking with you. We know you are way too pussy-whipped to do anything against the boss’ approval.

MICHELLE

I’m sorry to hear about your friend, but I guess this means that we’ll be able to spend more time together on Sunday’s.

Michelle gives him the finger, and Simon shakes his head.

SIMON

Damn, the crew is breaking up; this sucks!

JUDAS

We can still hang out; the four of us.

MATTHIAS

Thanks!

JUDAS

What? Your mommy said you can’t play with us anymore.

MICHELLE

Let’s go Matthias; let these BOYS figure out what their going to do; I’m hungry.

MATTHIAS

Call me and let me know what you guys decide to do about Sunday.

BARTHOLOMEW

We can all go to your house?

MICHELLE

Over my dead body!

JUDAS

Even better!

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Let’s get out of here before they get going again.

MICHELLE

Always a pleasure, jerks!

BARTHOLOMEW

Don’t you mean “assholes?”

Before she can reply Matthias shuts the door and the guys laugh.

SIMON

What is James planning to do about the drugs?

JUDAS

He has the younger soldiers to take care of that.

PHILIP

Don’t tell me this is actually the end.

JUDAS

Hell no, man. We have to live it up for James.

BARTHOLOMEW

This is crazy. Let’s go to a bar and get fucked up; I’m talking no work tomorrow status.

JUDAS

Let’s do it!

Int. Bar in faneuil hall in Boston

The guys are seated at the bar and the first two rounds of Black Label arrived. Everyone grabs a glass and holds it in the air.

JUDAS

This is for our main man James. Too bad pussy-whipped Matt isn’t with us!

The guys bang the first shot.

PHILIP

This next shot is for my lucky students who prayed for tomorrow’s test to be canceled.

The second shots are consumed.

BARTHOLOMEW

Four Blue Moons and one more round.

SIMON

I love you guys, man! I love James too!

Judas pats him on the back.

JUDAS

This guy needs a beer!

They all laugh. the bartender serves their drinks.

SIMON

This one is to the random chicks that we are going to smash tonight.

BARTHOLOMEW

Looks like someone isn’t making it home tonight!

JUDAS

Lesley is going to kill him.

SIMON

Fuck Leslie, man; bros before hos!

The guys cheer and high-five each other. The drinking continues at a slower pace. An hour later Judas returns from the bathroom.

JUDAS

Ready for a refill! Bartender, fill-er-up; pump number 7!

The guys all laugh and the bartender serves up a fresh round of beers. Simon’s phone rings.

SIMON

Hello.

LESLIE

What’s going on? Why are you ignoring me?

SIMON

What are you talking about?

LESLIE

I’ve been calling and texting you all night.

SIMON

It’s James. He’s in jail so I’m with the guys.

LESLIE

What? Where are you?

SIMON

He got arrested, so we’re all hanging out at a bar.

LESLIE

Well what do you expect? Why couldn’t you take a second and call to let me know what was going on?

SIMON

Because. We’re trying to figure this out. I WAS going to call you.

LESLIE

When was that gonna to happen; it’s eleven-thirty. You couldn’t call while you drove to the bar?

SIMON

Listen, I can’t talk about this right now; I’ll go to your place after we leave and we can finish the convo.

LESLIE

I want to talk about this now; you’re always trying to avoid dealing with our issues.

SIMON

Oh my god. What issues; my friends in jail and you want to talk about this nonsense.

LESLIE

Whatever. What time are you coming.

SIMON

Soon. We’re almost about to leave.

LESLIE

You better not show up late and wake me up.

SIMON

Ok, I’m about to leave. bye.

LESLIE

bye.

JUDAS

And then there were three!

SIMON

Yeah right, I ain’t going no where unless it’s with that chick in the blue top.

PHILIP

Why do you bother dating her, if you’re going to cheat all the time!

SIMON

She treats me great and she’s a good girl. These other chicks don’t mean anything!

Philip shakes his head and Simon walks over to the woman in the blue dress; he begins chatting-up her and her friend.

PHILIP

She’s gonna kill him.

JUDAS

How about you focus on the girl waving you over instead of worrying about Leslie.

BARTHOLOMEW

Let’s go wingman; take them down!

Philip walks over and joins Simon.

JUDAS

Shot of Blue Label says he fumbles the rock.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’ll take that bet.

The guys shake hands.

BARTHOLOMEW

I guess we have to call Matthias and let him know what’s happening.

JUDAS

I got it.

He pulls out his cell phone and places a call.

MATTHIAS

Hello.

JUDAS

What’s up mama’s boy!

MATTHIAS

Oh, nice of you to call; how is everything. (Barely audible) It’s one of my clients.

JUDAS

Damn, you are a complete coward. You can’t even let her know it’s me?

MATTHIAS

Ha ha. Good one.

JUDAS

Are you free this weekend?

MATTHIAS

I’m not sure if I will be available. I’ll have to check my schedule and get back to you; I may be in court that day.

JUDAS

This is pitiful. How can you call yourself a grown man.

MATTHIAS

Some people just have a hard time understanding how difficult some cases can be.

JUDAS

I can’t even listen to this any more; hold on.

He hands the phone over to Bartholomew.

JUDAS

Here; whipped boy is making me sick.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s going on over there?

MATTHIAS

Nothing, I think there was a bad connection, but I can hear you now.

BARTHOLOMEW

C’mon, Matt, grow some balls and stop letting her run your life.

MATTHIAS

Thank you for the suggestion, I’ll take it under advisement.

BARTHOLOMEW

Listen, I can’t listen to anymore of this so I’ll make it quick. We’re going to visit James. We’ll leave Saturday, see him on Monday and return that night.

MATTHIAS

That’s a great cause. I honestly wish I could help, but I won’t be able to get involved this time.

BARTHOLOMEW

I fucking knew it. You’re a great friend, Matt. You better hope that parole officer of yours doesn’t cheat on you! I’m outta here! Bye

MATTHIAS

It was ni…

Bartholomew hangs up, and his friends return.

JUDAS

What happened?

SIMON

They went to the restroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are they bout that action?

SIMON

They are; I don’t know if Phil is.

JUDAS

What the fuck Phil? What did he say?

SIMON

I gave him the perfect setup. I started with, ladies, allow me to introduce the man who is solely responsible for instructing the future leaders of the free world. They ate it up. The chick was all over Phil.

BARTHOLOMEW

What happened?

SIMON

He didn’t run with it. Instead of playing along, he barely said anything. I wasn’t really in their conversation, but I definitely heard him say, and I quote, “maybe you and your ex-boyfriend should try to work things out.” I wanted to kick him in the throat.

Bartholomew was at a loss for words. He simply shook his head disapprovingly. A smile appeared on Judas’ face and he called to the bartender.

JUDAS

Hey Mike, let me get a shot of Blue Label.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re paying for that shot, Phil!

PHILIP

What? you guys made a stupid bet?

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t want to talk to you right now.

PHILIP

I’m sorry, but I’m not for-the-sport.

JUDAS

For-the-sport? Are you kidding me? That chick is hot!

PHILIP

She just got out of a relationship. I don’t want to deal with her problems. That’s not my type.

JUDAS

We can see that; she doesn’t have a penis!

PHILIP

You’re hilarious.

SIMON

Looks like I’m gonna have to make the call to the bullpen.

He taps two fingers on his left forearm. Judas removes his jacket and places it on the chair.

JUDAS

Looks like Papelbon has to make an appearance.

SIMON

I have faith in you Jonathan.

JUDAS

I won’t let the team down!

SIMON

What the fuck!

He looks at his vibrating phone and turns it off.

SIMON

I’ll deal with her tomorrow!

JUDAS

Attaboy! Just tell her we got into a fight.

SIMON

Yeah, I’ll come up with something. They’re back; let’s go.

The guys walk over to the women and the switch seems to go swimmingly.

PHILIP

That bitch has ninety nine problems, and I ain’t one!

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m still not talking to you. You’re almost on Matt’s level, right now.

PHILIP

I’ll drink to that!

At closing time, the foursome meet Philip and Bartholomew at the door.

 WOMAN 2

Sorry things didn’t work out, Phil; I didn’t know you were gay.

Philip wanted to defend himself, but he didn’t want to ruin the night for his friends, so he reluctantly held back; giving a fake approving nod.

SIMON

This is our friend Bart.

Bartholomew exchanges pleasantries with the women.

JUDAS

So, I guess this is it. Bart, me and…(He pauses, trying to remember her name.)…my special lady will be riding back to my house with you. I’ll see the rest of you losers, later!

WOMAN 1

Hey Phil, if you’re interested, I have some guys who I think you might like.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s extremely thoughtful of you. You picked a real winner, Simon.

SIMON

Don’t I know it, I’ll be holding on to this one.

The woman smiles while he gives Bartholomew a sarcastic wink.

BARTHOLOMEW

Looks like you’ll be getting lucky after all, Phil.

PHILIP

Don’t forget that we’re all going to visit James this weekend!

SIMON

Ok, I’ll call Matt!

They all laugh!

PHILIP

I’m out of here!

The group disperses.

 [It’s A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 3