Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6 Episode 7 Episode 8 Episode 9
INT. MORNING – SUE’S APARTMENT
Sue is lying in bed. She is excited to be with the love of her life. Judas finally wakes up.
SUE
Good morning, sunshine!
JUDAS
What? Oh, yeah, morning.
SUE
Did you enjoy last night; do you forgive me?
JUDAS
Um…yeah; it was good.
SUE
YAY! Do you want to get some breakfast?
JUDAS
What time is it?
SUE
It’s seven thirty.
JUDAS
Damn, I have to get ready to meet my client at nine.
SUE
That’s ok; I can make you something, honey.
JUDAS
Na, I’m good; I have to get going.
SUE
Are you coming over later, or should I sleep at your place?
JUDAS
Hold on, I have to take a piss.
Judas enters the bathroom and tries to figure out the best method of removing her from his life. After some careful thought, he comes up with a plan.
JUDAS
We need to talk.
SUE
Ok! You know you can tell me anything.
JUDAS
I like you and I want us to be together, but there is something that I need to tell you. The sex was good, but I can only feel satisfied if there is another woman.
SUE
Are you telling me that you want a threesome?
JUDAS
Not a threesome. I need two women in my life. It wouldn’t be a one night thing; I’m talking about adding another person to our relationship.
SUE
So you’re a polygamist?
JUDAS
No. I will marry you, but we will invite another woman to live with us. And if she leaves, we have to find someone else.
SUE
That’s unconventional, but I love you, so I’m willing to give it a try.
JUDAS
WHAT?
SUE
Yeah, I’ll do it; I don’t care. There is nothing that can diminish my love for you.
JUDAS
Are you fucking insane?
SUE
What’s wrong; was that some kind of test?
JUDAS
No! I am trying to end this hook up without hurting you, but you’re completely out of your mind. What woman agrees to a lifetime of threesomes?
SUE
I just want to make you happy.
JUDAS
You don’t even know me. I was trying to avoid being an asshole, but I don’t give a shit, anymore; I don’t ever want to see you again.
SUE
Are you playing around?
JUDAS
NO! This was just a hook up. I don’t love you and I think you are not in touch with reality. You need to see a therapist.
Sue begins to cry.
SUE
I don’t know what to say.
JUDAS
I’m sorry, but one day, after you get help, you’ll look back on this and realize your behavior is ridiculous.
SUE
I can’t force you to love me.
JUDAS
Again, I’m sorry about all this. I didn’t know you were going to fall in love.
SUE
If you don’t want me, no one is stopping you from leaving.
Sue expects Judas to comfort her in an effort to work things out.
JUDAS
OK, good luck with everything.
Judas is now fully dressed and he leaves. Once the door slams shut, Sue begins to cry uncontrollably. Judas calls Simon for a ride, since he was too drunk to drive and took a cab. Judas waits for Simon a few blocks away.
EXT. SIMON’S CAR
Judas reveals the details of the awkward incident.
SIMON
That’s crazy! We tried to tell you that Sue was a bad idea. I can’t believe you didn’t have at least one threesome.
JUDAS
I thought about it, but it’s just not worth it. I’m honestly scared that she’ll start stalking me.
Simon laughs.
JUDAS
I’m serious, man. The sex was great; I’d give her a 9.5, but her craziness level is off the charts.
Stopped at a red light, a homeless man taps on the car window, asking for some loose change. Simon reaches into the arm rest and retrieves a one dollar scratch ticket. He lowers the window and hands it to the man.
SIMON
Here you go my friend; I leave it in god’s hands. GOOD LUCK!
HOMELESS MAN
Thanks. God Bless you.
Simon drives off and the man does his best to avoid the moving traffic.
JUDAS
What the hell was that?
SIMON
That’s my new thing. I keep a stack of dollar scratch tickets and hand them to the people who ask for change.
JUDAS
Don’t you think they would rather get some change?
SIMON
It’s not about the money. I feel that handouts are not helpful, therefore, I let God decided whether or not the person deserves to have some money.
Judas laughs.
JUDAS
That’s actually a good idea. Who knows, maybe he’ll hit for a thousand bucks.
SIMON
It’s up to God. The guy will either thank the Lord, or curse him out.
JUDAS
So I guess you’re doing good and bad.
Simon stops the car allowing for a prostitute to cross the street. Judas lowers his window and yells out to her.
JUDAS
Hey baby; how much for the two of us?
The street walker gives him the middle finger and responds.
PROSTITUTE
I charge less than your mother.
The guys laugh.
SIMON
I just remembered a riddle. What did the HIV positive prostitute say to the baseball player?
JUDAS
I’ve had more long balls than you?
Simon laughs.
SIMON
No, but that’s a good one. She said, catch it!
Judas laughs.
JUDAS
That’s cold.
SIMON
Funny, though!
JUDAS
What the hell; did you just see that guy in the Prius?
SIMON
Na, if you think he’s hot, I can turn around so you can holla.
JUDAS
I’m not you! He just littered.
SIMON
Isn’t it Ironic; don’t you think.
JUDAS
A little too Ironic, yeah I really do think.
SIMON
I guess he is in it for the gas mileage and not the environment.
The guys begin to sing Alanis Morissette’s famous song for the remainder of the ride. They have horrible singing voices, and are completely off pitch.
JUDAS
Thanks for the ride; you definitely saved me this morning.
SIMON
No doubt; you already know.
Judas exits the vehicle.
JUDAS
Oh yeah, before I forget, did you talk to your friend? She wants me right!
SIMON
Yeah right. I called her, but she said it’s best for her not to tell me what she wanted to talk about. She probably wants to reveal her undying love for me, but she knows I’m with Leslie, for now.
JUDAS
I’m sure it was about me, but she found out I was smashing crazy ass Sue.
Simon laughs.
SIMON
Probably. I’ll see you later.
JUDAS
Alright, thanks!
Judas walks to his vehicle and Simon drives off.
INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT
Philip asked the guys to meet at the bar for a major announcement, but Judas refused and changed the location. Philip is the last to arrive.
JUDAS
There is no way I am ever stepping into that bar until Sue stops working there.
PHILIP
Simon told me what happened; I told you it was a bad idea.
BARTHOLOMEW
Bad isn’t the word. That was one of the dumbest ideas ever.
JUDAS
So, what is this big announcement you wanted to share?
SIMON
If you’re about to tell us that you are a virgin, we already know and we don’t care.
The guys laugh.
PHILIP
Actually, I do want to discuss all the virgin comments. I am not a virgin.
JUDAS
So you’re gay?
BARTHOLOMEW
No, he’s asexual!
The guys laugh.
PHILIP
I’ve been hiding something from you guys and it’s time to share the most important part of my life. Do you guys remember back in college, when I used to travel to the Philippines during the summer?
JUDAS
Yeah, you and Tebow went to teach the kids about abstinence and loving Jesus.
The guys laugh.
PHILIP
I wish I did work with Tebow; he’s on fire.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hell yeah; I told you guys he was a winner. The Patriots better be careful or they’ll get Tebowed!
SIMON
Speaking of Tebowed, the funniest joke I heard is from some kid who said, “From now on, in pornos, when a guy cums from behind, it will be called Tebowed!”
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s hilarious!
PHILIP
Nevertheless, I went to the Philippines for a reason.
BARTHOLOMEW
Damn Phil, I don’t want to hear this shit.
PHILIP
You don’t even know what I am about to say.
JUDAS
This better not be what I think it is.
PHILIP
During my junior year, I met a beautiful young lady and we fell in love.
JUDAS
Phil, Simon wasn’t kidding; we don’t care if you bang chicks or not. You don’t have to create an elaborate Phil-planation!
PHILIP
I’m being serious. Her name is Kimberly and it was her dream to help people who were less fortunate.
SIMON
Is this a joke?
PHILIP
NO! I wanted to start a life with her, but I didn’t want to stop her from following her dreams. We agreed to have a long distance relationship, until she felt ready to move back to the US.
JUDAS
Where is she?
PHILIP
She lives on Panay Island. Her village is close to Ibajay. There is no running water and no electricity. She actually helped build a school and teaches the children to speak English.
SIMON
So you’re saying that “exists,” but we’ll never meet her?
PHILIP
No! I didn’t want to tell you guys about her, because I no there would have been pressure to cheat. She is moving back soon, and we’ll get married next year.
BARTHOLOMEW
You’re engaged?
PHILIP
Yeah, I’ve been engaged for three years.
JUDAS
So that’s why you go to the Philippines all the time?
PHILIP
Yeah, what did you guys think I was doing?
JUDAS
Honestly, Bart saw a documentary about creepy guys who traveled to third world countries so they can bang young children.
PHILIP
You guys thought I was one of those predator pedophiles?
BARTHOLOMEW
Sorry dude, but you have to admit that all the signs were pointing to you being a pedophile.
PHILIP
No! I don’t see how you would come up with that.
SIMON
C’mon, you’re a high school teacher or Christ’s sake. And you’re always traveling to the Philippines; we’re not way off!
PHILIP
Thanks guys!
BARTHOLOMEW
Sorry man! The facts were not looking good. We’ve been waiting for some poor kid to break down and reveal the truth.
PHILIP
That’s messed up!
JUDAS
I don’t care what you say; I’ll believe there is a Kimberly when I see her.
PHILIP
She’ll be here soon enough.
JUDAS
Either way, I still think you never smashed.
The guys laugh.
PHILIP
I’m not going to discuss what happens between me and my fiance.
SIMON
Damn, I can’t believe you’ve been waiting for marriage.
PHILIP
I can see where this conversation is going, so I’m out of here; I’m off to call Kim.
BARTHOLOMEW
I believe you Phil, sort of!
The guys laugh.
JUDAS
Not me! I’m waiting for Phil to come in here and tell us that he got into a big fight with “Kimberly,” and the relationship is over.
PHILIP
Ok, I’m gone!
The guys laugh. Philip exits the apartment.
JUDAS
That’s crazy; do you guys believe him?
BARTHOLOMEW
I don’t know if I believe it, but I hope he’s telling the truth.
SIMON
If he is telling the truth, do you think he smashed?
JUDAS
HELL NO!
BARTHOLOMEW
Definitely not!
The guys laugh.
[It’s A Wrap!]
@PeteTeix617
Haha, Tebowed! This episode had a lot of funny scenes. The Guy in the prius littering.
Thanks! I actually saw someone throw trash onto the street from a Prius!