Bagging Up – Episode 10

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INT. MORNING – SUE’S APARTMENT

Sue is lying in bed. She is excited to be with the love of her life. Judas finally wakes up.

SUE

Good morning, sunshine!

JUDAS

What? Oh, yeah, morning.

SUE

Did you enjoy last night; do you forgive me?

JUDAS

Um…yeah; it was good.

SUE

YAY! Do you want to get some breakfast?

JUDAS

What time is it?

SUE

It’s seven thirty.

JUDAS

Damn, I have to get ready to meet my client at nine.

SUE

That’s ok; I can make you something, honey.

JUDAS

Na, I’m good; I have to get going.

SUE

Are you coming over later, or should I sleep at your place?

JUDAS

Hold on, I have to take a piss.

Judas enters the bathroom and tries to figure out the best method of removing her from his life. After some careful thought, he comes up with a plan.

JUDAS

We need to talk.

SUE

Ok! You know you can tell me anything.

JUDAS

I like you and I want us to be together, but there is something that I need to tell you. The sex was good, but I can only feel satisfied if there is another woman.

SUE

Are you telling me that you want a threesome?

JUDAS

Not a threesome. I need two women in my life. It wouldn’t be a one night thing; I’m talking about adding another person to our relationship.

SUE

So you’re a polygamist?

JUDAS

No. I will marry you, but we will invite another woman to live with us. And if she leaves, we have to find someone else.

SUE

That’s unconventional, but I love you, so I’m willing to give it a try.

JUDAS

WHAT?

SUE

Yeah, I’ll do it; I don’t care. There is nothing that can diminish my love for you.

JUDAS

Are you fucking insane?

SUE

What’s wrong; was that some kind of test?

JUDAS

No! I am trying to end this hook up without hurting you, but you’re completely out of your mind. What woman agrees to a lifetime of threesomes?

SUE

I just want to make you happy.

JUDAS

You don’t even know me. I was trying to avoid being an asshole, but I don’t give a shit, anymore; I don’t ever want to see you again.

SUE

Are you playing around?

JUDAS

NO! This was just a hook up. I don’t love you and I think you are not in touch with reality. You need to see a therapist.

Sue begins to cry.

SUE

I don’t know what to say.

JUDAS

I’m sorry, but one day, after you get help, you’ll look back on this and realize your behavior is ridiculous.

SUE

I can’t force you to love me.

JUDAS

Again, I’m sorry about all this. I didn’t know you were going to fall in love.

SUE

If you don’t want me, no one is stopping you from leaving.

Sue expects Judas to comfort her in an effort to work things out.

JUDAS

OK, good luck with everything.

Judas is now fully dressed and he leaves. Once the door slams shut, Sue begins to cry uncontrollably. Judas calls Simon for a ride, since he was too drunk to drive and took a cab. Judas waits for Simon a few blocks away.

EXT. SIMON’S CAR

Judas reveals the details of the awkward incident.

SIMON

That’s crazy! We tried to tell you that Sue was a bad idea. I can’t believe you didn’t have at least one threesome.

JUDAS

I thought about it, but it’s just not worth it. I’m honestly scared that she’ll start stalking me.

Simon laughs.

JUDAS

I’m serious, man. The sex was great; I’d give her a 9.5, but her craziness level is off the charts.

Stopped at a red light, a homeless man taps on the car window, asking for some loose change. Simon reaches into the arm rest and retrieves a one dollar scratch ticket. He lowers the window and hands it to the man.

SIMON

Here you go my friend; I leave it in god’s hands. GOOD LUCK!

HOMELESS MAN

Thanks. God Bless you.

Simon drives off and the man does his best to avoid the moving traffic.

JUDAS

What the hell was that?

SIMON

That’s my new thing. I keep a stack of dollar scratch tickets and hand them to the people who ask for change.

JUDAS

Don’t you think they would rather get some change?

SIMON

It’s not about the money. I feel that handouts are not helpful, therefore, I let God decided whether or not the person deserves to have some money.

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

That’s actually a good idea. Who knows, maybe he’ll hit for a thousand bucks.

SIMON

It’s up to God. The guy will either thank the Lord, or curse him out.

JUDAS

So I guess you’re doing good and bad.

Simon stops the car allowing for a prostitute to cross the street. Judas lowers his window and yells out to her.

JUDAS

Hey baby; how much for the two of us?

The street walker gives him the middle finger and responds.

PROSTITUTE

I charge less than your mother.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I just remembered a riddle. What did the HIV positive prostitute say to the baseball player?

JUDAS

I’ve had more long balls than you?

Simon laughs.

SIMON

No, but that’s a good one. She said, catch it!

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

That’s cold.

SIMON

Funny, though!

JUDAS

What the hell; did you just see that guy in the Prius?

SIMON

Na, if you think he’s hot, I can turn around so you can holla.

JUDAS

I’m not you! He just littered.

SIMON

Isn’t it Ironic; don’t you think.

JUDAS

A little too Ironic, yeah I really do think.

SIMON

I guess he is in it for the gas mileage and not the environment.

The guys begin to sing Alanis Morissette’s famous song for the remainder of the ride. They have horrible singing voices, and are completely off pitch.

JUDAS

Thanks for the ride; you definitely saved me this morning.

SIMON

No doubt; you already know.

Judas exits the vehicle.

JUDAS

Oh yeah, before I forget, did you talk to your friend? She wants me right!

SIMON

Yeah right. I called her, but she said it’s best for her not to tell me what she wanted to talk about. She probably wants to reveal her undying love for me, but she knows I’m with Leslie, for now.

JUDAS

I’m sure it was about me, but she found out I was smashing crazy ass Sue.

Simon laughs.

SIMON

Probably. I’ll see you later.

JUDAS

Alright, thanks!

Judas walks to his vehicle and Simon drives off.

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

Philip asked the guys to meet at the bar for a major announcement, but Judas refused and changed the location. Philip is the last to arrive.

JUDAS

There is no way I am ever stepping into that bar until Sue stops working there.

PHILIP

Simon told me what happened; I told you it was a bad idea.

BARTHOLOMEW

Bad isn’t the word. That was one of the dumbest ideas ever.

JUDAS

So, what is this big announcement you wanted to share?

SIMON

If you’re about to tell us that you are a virgin, we already know and we don’t care.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

Actually, I do want to discuss all the virgin comments. I am not a virgin.

JUDAS

So you’re gay?

BARTHOLOMEW

No, he’s asexual!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I’ve been hiding something from you guys and it’s time to share the most important part of my life. Do you guys remember back in college, when I used to travel to the Philippines during the summer?

JUDAS

Yeah, you and Tebow went to teach the kids about abstinence and loving Jesus.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I wish I did work with Tebow; he’s on fire.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell yeah; I told you guys he was a winner. The Patriots better be careful or they’ll get Tebowed!

SIMON

Speaking of Tebowed, the funniest joke I heard is from some kid who said, “From now on, in pornos, when a guy cums from behind, it will be called Tebowed!”

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s hilarious!

PHILIP

Nevertheless, I went to the Philippines for a reason.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn Phil, I don’t want to hear this shit.

PHILIP

You don’t even know what I am about to say.

JUDAS

This better not be what I think it is.

PHILIP

During my junior year, I met a beautiful young lady and we fell in love.

JUDAS

Phil, Simon wasn’t kidding; we don’t care if you bang chicks or not. You don’t have to create an elaborate Phil-planation!

PHILIP

I’m being serious. Her name is Kimberly and it was her dream to help people who were less fortunate.

SIMON

Is this a joke?

PHILIP

NO! I wanted to start a life with her, but I didn’t want to stop her from following her dreams. We agreed to have a long distance relationship, until she felt ready to move back to the US.

JUDAS

Where is she?

PHILIP

She lives on Panay Island. Her village is close to Ibajay. There is no running water and no electricity. She actually helped build a school and teaches the children to speak English.

SIMON

So you’re saying that “exists,” but we’ll never meet her?

PHILIP

No! I didn’t want to tell you guys about her, because I no there would have been pressure to cheat. She is moving back soon, and we’ll get married next year.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re engaged?

PHILIP

Yeah, I’ve been engaged for three years.

JUDAS

So that’s why you go to the Philippines all the time?

PHILIP

Yeah, what did you guys think I was doing?

JUDAS

Honestly, Bart saw a documentary about creepy guys who traveled to third world countries so they can bang young children.

PHILIP

You guys thought I was one of those predator pedophiles?

BARTHOLOMEW

Sorry dude, but you have to admit that all the signs were pointing to you being a pedophile.

PHILIP

No! I don’t see how you would come up with that.

SIMON

C’mon, you’re a high school teacher or Christ’s sake. And you’re always traveling to the Philippines; we’re not way off!

PHILIP

Thanks guys!

BARTHOLOMEW

Sorry man! The facts were not looking good. We’ve been waiting for some poor kid to break down and reveal the truth.

PHILIP

That’s messed up!

JUDAS

I don’t care what you say; I’ll believe there is a Kimberly when I see her.

PHILIP

She’ll be here soon enough.

JUDAS

Either way, I still think you never smashed.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I’m not going to discuss what happens between me and my fiance.

SIMON

Damn, I can’t believe you’ve been waiting for marriage.

PHILIP

I can see where this conversation is going, so I’m out of here; I’m off to call Kim.

BARTHOLOMEW

I believe you Phil, sort of!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

Not me! I’m waiting for Phil to come in here and tell us that he got into a big fight with “Kimberly,” and the relationship is over.

PHILIP

Ok, I’m gone!

The guys laugh. Philip exits the apartment.

JUDAS

That’s crazy; do you guys believe him?

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t know if I believe it, but I hope he’s telling the truth.

SIMON

If he is telling the truth, do you think he smashed?

JUDAS

HELL NO!

BARTHOLOMEW

Definitely not!

The guys laugh.

                                [It’s A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 11