Subway Surprise

A few months ago, I wrote an Onion News Network inspired post about Chris Bosh of the Miami Heat. This is my second post in homage to the website’s style.

To read the previous entry, click on the link from May 14th, 2012:

Chris Bosh Breaks Down And Reveals True Cause Of Abdominal Strain

 

atrainnyc

Subway Surprise

Unfortunately, stories about women being groped on the New York City transit system are far too common. Recently, Kelly O’Brien had such an experience. O’Brien, a librarian at Manhattan’s Stephen A. Schwarzman Building, ended her shift and strolled towards 42nd street in order to board the A Train.

O’Brien, a native of Wichita Kansas, loved the big city life and the comfort of riding the subway. She often stopped at Penn Station for a quick snack before continuing on to her apartment on Bleecker Street. The train arrived a few minutes after O’Brien purchased her Meatball Pizza (Pie to New Yorkers!) from Lugo Caffe. As usual, every seat was occupied so she found an open spot in the center of the car. She grasped the pizza with her right hand and held onto the pole with her left.

As the train moved down the tracks, a man continued to bump up against O’Brien, but it was a typical occurrence. Suddenly, O’Brien felt a hand cup her right breast. Before she could comprehend what was happening, another hand cupped her left breast. With the pizza in one hand, and her left hand attached to the pole, she could do nothing other than scream.

The stranger felt her up for a few more seconds before scurrying into a different car. Thankfully, a gentleman, who witnessed the attack, ran after the creep. The hero tackled the assailant and held him until the train pulled into the next station. A New York City transit officer was on the platform and he arrested the immoral man.

Kelly O’Brien immediately identified her attacker and thanked the hero. Prior to taking the criminal to the police station, the officer offered the offender to apologize for his actions. The apprehended individual stared at O’Brien for a couple seconds before speaking.

Creep: “I love touching women’s breasts and I will not apologize for what I did. She is wearing a blouse that exposes a significant amount of her cleavage and I had to feel those fun bags!”

Transit Officer: “I’m sorry, ma’am; people like him shouldn’t be allowed to walk the street.”

O’Brien: “Thank you officer. Hopefully he gets some help.”

Transit Officer: “That’s enough out of you, jerk!”

O’Brien clenched the cardboard box with both hands as watched she watched the officer lead her attacker away. Before the two men turned the corner, the creep yelled out.

Creep: “I think I felt a lump in your left breast. You should get that checked; I would hate to see those babies removed!”

The creep’s words remained with O’Brien while she sat in her inauspicious apartment and enjoyed her pizza. A week after the incident, she finally scheduled a mammogram. Regrettably, a lump was detected, but the doctors caught it early enough to quickly remove the cancerous growth. O’Brien realized that the “creep” actually ended up saving her life. She decided to drop all charges against her attacker and he was released; free to grope whomever he wanted to.

[The End]

Ladies, show a little more cleavage…it may just save your life!

@PeteTeix617

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Writer’s Digest Story

WritersDigest-12737_218x218

     A couple months ago, I decided to submit a short story to Writer’s Digest. There was a 750 word limit and a simple premise: “A man who lives alone sees a set of footprints leading away from his house the morning after a heavy snowfall.”

Here is my submission. (I didn’t win, but that’s ok because I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and dog doggone it, people like me!)   

Rick “Gator” Truman waited for his best friend to climb into the cab of his pickup truck before jumping into the driver’s seat. Bud, the four year old bull-mastiff was given to Huron, South Dakota’s new fire chief by the men in his company.

“If the weatherman is right, we’ll get at least a foot of snow tonight.” Rick said.

“Woof!” Bud responded.

Rick purchased a modest house, on a dead-end street, barely within Huron’s city limits. He enjoys the quiet, but the serenity comes with a major disadvantage; the fire chief was left to plow his long driveway. Rick drove through the sleepy town and pulled into his garage. The warmth of his king-sized solid oak bed was calling him, but one task remained.

“C’mon Bud, let’s get the plow onto the front end so we can get an early start in the morning.” Rick said.

The morning sun invaded every corner of the small bedroom, waking Rick from his nightly hibernation. The moment he opened the room door, Bud rushed in and jumped atop the quilt.

“Get down from there!” Rick ordered.

Bud quickly complied and landed on the ground. “Maybe I’ll try jumping on your bed and see if you like it.” Rick teased.

Bud ran and pawed at the exit to the garage as if he knew what was on his owner’s mind.

“Let’s go move some powder.” Rick said.

The garage door opened and God’s baby powder covered the landscape. Rick began to turn towards his pickup when a strange sight caused him to halt.  {I didn’t include the quotation marks when writing the word “god,” because I wasn’t sure how the publication would react to my atheism!}  

Inexplicably, a set of footprints leading away from his house seemed to have appeared from nowhere.

“Where the heck did those come from?”

Rick walked closer to investigate. The first track began in the middle of the driveway and trailed off into the street. Strangely, the print was clearly made with a pair of department issued work boots. The more startling fact was the shoe size; Rick was the only fireman who wore size eighteen, and his pair remained locked in the cab of the pickup.

“I knew we had ghosts. I can’t wait for the guys at the fire house to hear that I finally found proof.”

Endless jokes about the mysterious tracks filled much of the morning hours.

“C’mon Gator, the footprints are obviously not from a ghost.” Chuck Hose said.

“Ok Mr. Know-it-all, please explain where they came from.” Rick responded.

“The times when you have seen only one set of footprints, it was then that I carried you…the Lord said.” Chuck teased.

The room erupted with laughter. Countless conspiracy theories were suggested and Rick planned on debunking all of the legitimate hypotheses.

“I’ll find even more proof. You guys can laugh, but I know there is a ghost on my property.” Rick said.

News travels through Huron faster than a tide rolls in Alabama. Two days elapsed before the fire chief earned a new appointment; Chief Paranormal Specialist. True to his word, Rick investigated every possibility for an explanation to the eerie footprints. There remained only one truth; a ghost walked from the driveway to the road. Rick couldn’t wait to reveal his findings.

“Regardless of what Chuck thinks, it sounds to me like you did some great detective work, Gator.” Kenny Manning said.

“Thanks Kenny.” Rick replied.

Chuck stood from his seat and commented. “Don’t thank him yet!”

“What are you talking about?” Rick asked.

“We have to tell you something.” Chuck continued. “Hey Mike, do you want to do the honors since it was your idea?”

Mike nodded his head and began to explain. “The footprints were just a silly prank.”

Visibly disappointed, Rick spoke. “Are you serious?”

“Sorry Gator, but we had to do it.” Mike said.

“It might be me, but that smile on your face says you might not be sorry.” Chuck quipped.

“Nonetheless, we all know how crazy you get about the supernatural, so we couldn’t turn down this opportunity. Once the snow stopped, we jumped into old Ladder 13 and made the extensive excursion to your property. I hopped into the bucket and Chuck extended the ladder out to the middle of your driveway. I’m sure you can piece together the rest of the story, Sherlock.” Mike said.

“That doesn’t explain the size of the footprints.” Rick challenged.

“Oh yeah! We ordered another pair.” Mike informed.

“You can keep them for being such a good sport.” Chuck added.

“I’ll get my revenge!” Rick threatened.

[THE END]

@PeteTeix617

New Crusoes


I LOVE THIS BOOK!

Paul Crusoe was a devoted husband and dedicated father to his two boys. His wife Carol gave up her career to stay home and give the boys a proper upbringing. Paul earned enough money for the family to live comfortably, and he enjoyed spoiling his three favorite individuals.

One day, ten year-old Bobby ran into his brother’s bedroom and said, “I found a book about our family!”

Nine year-old Arthur thought it was the greatest news ever. “That’s amazing!” Arthur replied.

Bobby led his sibling into the living room, where their dad was reading the newspaper.

“Dad, look what I found!” Bobby yelled.

Paul grabbed the book and read the cover. “Robinson Crusoe; I love this novel.” Paul said.

“Is it really about our family, dad?” Arthur asked.

“No son, but it is a wonderful story.” Paul replied.

The news was disappointing, but the boys still felt a connection to the book. That night was the first of many that the family gathered by the fireplace while Paul read Robinson Crusoe.

The book generated an explorer’s spirit inside of the young boys and they became infatuated with surviving off the fat of the land and learning to navigate the seas. On the weekends, Carol visited her mother while her three men escaped to Cleveland National Forest, near San Diego, for some good old fashion fun.

Three years later, Paul surprised the boys with some good news. He purchased a small yacht and planned a secret adventure in the Pacific Ocean. Paul felt the only way to be at one with nature was to sail away without telling a soul.

Carol at least wanted to notify her mom, but she finally gave in and agreed to leave without telling anyone.

Initially, the trip was great, until rough seas overturned the boat. Thankfully, the family survived the accident and landed on a deserted Island; the adventure they longed for became a reality.

Three months went by, before the truth of the matter was apparent. No one would ever find the group; they were on their own. The many weekends in the forest served the family well. They had sufficient lodging and many methods to feed themselves.

If they wanted to, the Crusoes could live on the island for the rest of their natural lives without any problems. The boys, now teenagers, wanted to stay on the island, but Carol was against the idea.

Paul subscribed to the old adage, “happy wife, happy life,” so he came up with a plan. Paul designed a large canoe and his sons helped build “The Crusoe Ark.”

The vessel took eight months to construct and it was an engineering masterpiece. Several tests, proved Paul & Sons to be master craftsmen. The canoe was basically unsinkable, but it was too small for the entire family to float across the mighty Pacific.

Everyone was in agreement that Paul would leave on his own and then return to rescue the others once he made it back to civilization.

The father’s last night on the island was an emotional one, but the Crusoes knew what had to be done. In the morning, the family stood on the beach and watched Paul sail over the horizon.

The sea was calm for a week, before a tidal wave smashed Paul’s canoe into a large rock. Once again, Paul made it to dry land, but this time he was alone.

Ten years passed before Paul was able to attempt another brave escape. Stubbornly, he rebuilt the canoe and took to the seas. Unbelievably, Paul landed on an inhabited island; he landed on Beru Island.

Paul’s only concern was to locate his family and bring them to safety. Paul spared no expense. Along with a team of man hunters and sailors, he searched the mighty Pacific. Seven months elapsed with no result.

Finally, Paul peered into his telescope and saw a familiar beach; it was the same beach he departed from, ten years earlier.

The ship’s captain set a direct course to the island and Paul anticipated the greatest reunion of his life. Initially, the island appeared to be uninhabited, but Paul remained optimistic. He led his team through the woods until stopping after hearing some strange noises. Paul ran as fast as he could, in the direction of the disturbance.

Paul fell to the floor when he ran past the bush into a large clearing. Before his eyes stood four toddlers, his two boys and his lovely wife.

“What the hell is going on here?” Paul yelled.

“Paul!” Carol yelled.

“Dad, you came back!” Bobby said.

“Our prayers have been answered!” Arthur announced.

“Who the hell are these children? YOU DIDN’T FUCK THE BOYS; DID YOU?” Paul asked.

     Wait a minute! Who the hell would write such a disgusting incest-filled tale? Such a story should never exist! (Especially not in a religious publication, RIGHT?)

     Shame on Eve!

   @PeteTeix617

Good Old Marriage Advice

Timothy graduated from Harvard Law School at the top of his class. As expected, every major firm in the country offered him a position. The decision was simple for Tim; “wherever Lucy wants to live is fine with me.” He said. Lucy was Tim’s high school sweetheart and he loved her more than anything; as long as his fiancé was happy, nothing else mattered.

The couple eventually married and Tim became a partner in his Chicago firm. Everything was going well, except for one major problem. Tim wanted children but Lucy wasn’t ready; she wanted to focus on running her salon before venturing into motherhood.

Although the two loved one another unconditionally, the subject of parenthood caused a great deal of tension in the household. In fact, Tim and Lucy argued every single night, before finally slamming doors and sleeping in separate rooms.

After three months of passionless nights, Tim realized something had to be done. His proposal was a night out on the town. He hoped to reignite the fire in their marriage and forget about their problems for at least one night.

Tim pulled out all the stops; reservations at the best restaurant in the windy city, a limo ride to their destination, a night of dancing, and a stay in a luxurious suite.

The night started off well but the romance quickly faded, during dinner. Things took a turn for the worse when an eleven year-old walked past the table, on his way to the little boy’s room. Tim gave the child a high-five, which caused Lucy to assume her husband was attempting to drop a hint.

Try as he did, Tim was unable to avoid an argument. The hot-blooded conversation even caused the manager to ask the couple to control themselves. Tim thought the night was a complete loss, since they sat in complete silence while waiting for the waiter to bring the check.

Suddenly, Lucy placed her hand on top of Tim’s hand and smiled at him. “I’m sorry for all the drama; let’s try to enjoy the remainder of the night.” She uttered.

Tim was completely shocked. “I think that’s a great idea.”

Lucy’s change of heart came when she noticed an elderly gentleman, spoon-feeding a piece of chocolate cake to his lovely wife. “Look at those two; I wonder what their secret is.” She said.

Tim turned and admired the amorous couple. “That will be us one day.” He said.

Lucy’s heart melted. “I love you. I don’t want to waste another second arguing. Let’s start a family.” She said.

Tim couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I love you.” He said as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Lucy also began to release her own tears of joy. The couple often spoke about the importance of family. That night, Lucy finally realized that she no longer wanted to put her career ahead of her family. “You’re going to be the best dad, ever!” She said.

Tim smiled. “And you will be the world’s greatest mom!” He responded.

Tim apologized to the waiter for their previous behavior. “We would also like to pay for the elderly couple’s check.” Tim said.

“I’ll let Good old Jack know that you covered his meal.” The waiter replied.

The waiter walked across the room and revealed Tim’s generous gesture to the couple. They were surprised and touched. Before exiting, Jack and his lady, Kathy, walked over to express their appreciation.

The two couples chatted while they walked towards the restaurant’s back door. Tim and Lucy watched as Jack opened up the passenger side door for Kathy and gently closed it after she entered.

“Hey Jack, how long have you been married?” Tim asked.

“Fifty-eight wonderful years!” Jack answered.

“Still a gentleman after all the years!” Tim said.

Jack smiled.

“What’s your secret? How do you stay happily married after so many years?” Tim asked.

Jack walked over to Tim and his wife. He leaned in and whispered. “It’s pretty simple. I leave the old ball and chain at home whenever I get the hankering for some sweet widow pussy!” Jack proudly stated before winking!

[THE END]

@PeteTeix617

Nostra-Dog-Mus

Once upon a time, in the small town of Teec Nos Pos, Arizona, near the famous four corners, there lived a unique canine. The mayor of Teec Nos Pos found the dog while on a family trip to the border where Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah connect. Immediately, the mayor’s son, little Thomas bonded with his new best friend, Spot.

Thomas and Spot were inseparable; the two friends went everywhere together. One day, Thomas decided to go swimming at the creek and he discovered that his wallet was missing from his pants. The water was too cold for Spot’s liking, so he remained near his owner’s possessions.

There were two boys sitting near Thomas’ pants, but each child denied taking the wallet. “Too bad you’re not a talking dog, buddy.” Thomas said to his pet.

Spot barked and the boys appeared to be nervous; it was as if the dog was trying to identify the culprit. Just for kicks, Thomas asked, “did Roger take my wallet?”

Spot did not respond.

“Did Chris take my wallet?” Thomas asked.

Spot began to bark. Amazingly, Chris was overcome with guilt and finally admitted to taking the wallet.

Thomas couldn’t believe that his dog could understand what he was saying. It turned out that Spot could actually answer any question. Spot predicted the weather. “Spot, will it rain tomorrow?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

He picked out criminals from police lineups. “Spot, did Mr. Tennyson steal the car?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

Spot even solved some of life’s biggest mysteries. “Spot, is there life on other planets?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

One afternoon, Thomas and his family returned to their home after a wonderful Sunday mass, and the boy decided to ask the one question that puzzled him. “Spot, is there a god?”

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Mother fucker, are you fucking crazy?” The dog spoke!

[THE END]

@PeteTeix617

Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 3

Season 2: Episode 1   Episode 2

INT. BARTHOLOMEW’S APARTMENT

Simon wasn’t home, but Judas found him at Bartholomew’s place.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s up mas puto.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

What the hell does that mean?

SIMON

We’re not really sure, but we think it means super gay, in Spanish.

JUDAS

When did you guys start speaking Spanish?

SIMON

My neighbor was clowning around with his friends and I picked it up.

JUDAS

I’m definitely not mas puto.

BARTHOLOMEW

I agree. The jury is still out on you; you’re mas o menos puto.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

What the hell is that?

BARTHOLOMEW

I just made it up. I remember mas o menos from high school Spanish class. That has to be the Spanish version of bisexual.

JUDAS

You would know.

BARTHOLOMEW

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

So what did you want to talk about?

JUDAS

I wanted to get in contact with Heather so I could find out what caused her to create these lies.

SIMON

That’s a good idea. If you want I can call her to come over.

JUDAS

Yeah, that’s probably best.

Simon calls Heather and she agrees to meet the guys. An hour later, she arrives and Simon walks her into the apartment.

HEATHER

Simon tells me that you have a problem with me.

JUDAS

I just want to know why you decided to make up lies about me and Dan.

HEATHER

What lies?

JUDAS

I’m serious. I don’t even know you and I’m trying to understand why you did what you did; are you crazy or something?

HEATHER

Are you seriously going to sit there and say that you don’t know me?

JUDAS

The first time I met you was at the bar.

HEATHER

I can’t believe it; you are the biggest asshole ever.

SIMON

I concur.

BARTHOLOMEW

I too agree with the lady’s proclamation.

JUDAS

Thank you, gentlemen!

Everyone laughs.

HEATHER

You really don’t remember me?

JUDAS

No, crazy woman!

HEATHER

Take a look at this.

Heather reaches into her purse and pulls out a photo. Judas grabs the picture and studies it.

JUDAS

Is this Caesars?

HEATHER

Yeah, it’s from three years ago.

JUDAS

I remember you!

SIMON

You guys know each other?

HEATHER

That’s what I’ve been trying to say.

BARTHOLOMEW

Why were you lying?

JUDAS

I wasn’t lying. Look at this picture; she had blond hair.

Bartholomew grabs the photo.

BARTHOLOMEW

You can’t blame him for not recognizing you; this looks like a completely different person.

JUDAS

Exactly!

HEATHER

There is no excuse for forgetting a person you connected with.

BARTHOLOMEW

Connected? I know what that means; I think someone was the victim of a hit and run!

Judas and Bartholomew high-five while laughing and Simon does his best to keep a straight face.

HEATHER

I see you laughing, asshole.

SIMON

Sorry, but it’s hilarious.

JUDAS

How can you expect me to remember some chick I banged three years ago, especially when I was drunk out of my mind in Vegas?

BARTHOLOMEW

So you made up the entire gay thing to get back at him?

HEATHER

He deserved it.

BARTHOLOMEW

What about Dan? He didn’t do anything to you.

Judas clears his throat.

JUDAS

I think she got in another accident.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn! You’re the freaking hit and run queen. I got next!

HEATHER

Fuck you!

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes, please!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I’m sorry.

HEATHER

Thanks “friend.”

BARTHOLOMEW

If you’re looking for support; you’re in the wrong place.

SIMON

So Judas isn’t gay?

BARTHOLOMEW

No! Heather lied, but Judas is still gay. No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

What happened in Vegas? How did you bag her?

SIMON

What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas; right Heather?

HEATHER

Don’t try to be on my side, now.

Simon shrugs his shoulders.

SIMON

You can’t fault me for trying.

BARTHOLOMEW

Let’s hear it.

JUDAS

I actually remember the night; no wonder you hated me.

HEATHER

You’re such an asshole.

BARTHOLOMEW

What did you do?

JUDAS

We were messing around and I told the guys to give me any pick-up line and I’ll bag Heather.

SIMON

Hold on! Don’t tell me that story was actually true.

JUDAS

That’s right. You guys didn’t believe me.

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t believe you weren’t lying.

JUDAS

I walked up to Heather and said, can you help me dispose of some semen!

The guys laugh while Heather lowers her head in shame.

SIMON

I can’t believe that line worked on you.

HEATHER

I was drunk!

BARTHOLOMEW

I always wanted to meat the semen disposal chick. Today is the happiest day of my life. Do you mind if I make a deposit?

The guys laugh. Heather decides to keep quite instead of egging him on.

BARTHOLOMEW

Nothing personal, Heather.

HEATHER

I understand that you guys are childish. It’s been fun, but I’m out of here.

JUDAS

I guess we’re even. No hard feelings.

HEATHER

Whatever.

She walks to the door.

JUDAS

Wait. I’ll walk you out. Later fellas.

BARTHOLOMEW

Where are you going?

JUDAS

I have to find Dan and tell him the story.

BARTHOLOMEW

Alright, later.

JUDAS

I know you guys didn’t think I was going to let some random chick to out me.

Judas exits.

INT. PHILIP’S APARTMENT

Simon and Bartholomew decide to tell Philip the news.

PHILIP

This is a small world. It’s crazy how everything unfolded. Judas is really lucky; it could have been much worse.

KIM

He definitely needs to slow down with the bagging, as you guys say.

BARTHOLOMEW

The way I see it, no harm no foul.

KIM

I kind of feel bad for accusing Judas of being gay.

PHILIP

Don’t fee bad; he’s an asshole.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s no way to talk about your friend, buddy.

PHILIP

You’re an asshole too!

The all laugh.

PHILIP

I’m just happy the truth is finally out.

Bartholomew and Simon look at one another.

SIMON

I’m not sure the truth is out.

PHILIP

What are you talking about?

BARTHOLOMEW

Judas said something weird before leaving my apartment.

SIMON

Yeah, it was a little shaky.

PHILIP

What?

BARTHOLOMEW

He said, I know you guys didn’t think I was going to let some random chick to out me.

PHILIP

I’m sure it was just a slip of the tongue.

SIMON

It was a slip, but I’m pretty sure it was Freudian.

PHILIP

I don’t want to go down this road again; let’s go get some food and let Judas live his life.

SIMON

I’m down for that.

BARTHOLOMEW

Me too.

KIM

Great; we haven’t eaten all day.

The foursome exits.

[It’s A Wrap!]

Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 2

Season 2: Episode 1

INT. sports bar

Bartholomew convinced Judas to meet the guys at a bar in order to hash things out.

SIMON

I can’t believe Matt escaped twice.

BARTHOLOMEW

Michelle is going to kill him when he goes home.

MATTHIAS

I told you guys; things are a little different now.

SIMON

She’s gonna kill him.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I thought you said Judas was coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

He’ll be here in a half hour. I wanted us to get on the same page before he arrived.

SIMON

Phil, what the hell is going on with your eye.

PHILIP

I don’t know. It just swelled up for no reason.

BARTHOLOMEW

You don’t think you caught anything from Kim; do you?

PHILIP

Do you have to be an asshole?

SIMON

Don’t be silly, Bart. You can’t catch an STD without having sex.

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Hey Simon, is that a hickey on your neck?

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell! I guess someone wasn’t getting any homework done during study hall.

PHILIP

I hope Leslie doesn’t see it.

SIMON

First of all, I take offense to the fact that you assume Leslie had nothing to do with the mark on my neck.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, maybe they were role playing.

SIMON

Thanks Bart; you’re a true friend. Where was I? Oh yeah! Second of all, it’s not a hickey. Its a stab wound.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I knew Leslie was crazy, but I didn’t think she would actually stab you.

PHILIP

It was only a matter of time.

SIMON

Well Phil, you’ll be happy to know it wasn’t Leslie.

PHILIP

Let me guess; some woman’s husband caught you sleeping with his wife?

SIMON

Hell no! I’m not a home-wrecker.

The guys laugh and Phil shakes his head.

MATTHIAS

You’re a stand-up guy.

SIMON

Don’t pat me on the back too soon; I do cheat. This came from a vegan chick I met.

BARTHOLOMEW

I thought vegan chicks were into peace and harmony?

SIMON

They are until you piss them off.

PHILIP

Do I even want to hear this story?

SIMON

Yeah, it’s a great one.

BARTHOLOMEW

Tell me you didn’t trick her into eating meat.

SIMON

I definitely gave her some meat, if you know what I mean.

BARTHOLOMEW

NICE!

MATTHIAS

Let’s hear the story.

SIMON

I was on my break but I wasn’t hungry so I just ordered a salad. The vegan chick ended up ordering the same thing which gave me an ice-breaker. She asked if I was vegan and I didn’t want to disappoint her so I lied.

MATTHIAS

Like I said, stand-up guy!

SIMON

She was cool at first, but after a couple weeks, she just kept going on and on about hating meat so I decided to end it.

BARTHOLOMEW

You broke up with her and she went crazy?

SIMON

It’s how I did it that was the problem.

MATTHIAS

I have to hear this.

SIMON
Since she always talks about being vegan, I know that her favorite place to eat lunch is the Prudential Center food court, so I went there and ordered a bunch of meat and she caught me scarfing it down.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s funny.

SIMON

It wasn’t funny when she snapped and stabbed me with a steak knife. If I didn’t react quickly, she would have killed me.

PHILIP

Psychos are created by your behavior.

SIMON

There is no excuse for attempted murder.

BARTHOLOMEW

What did Leslie say about the mark?

SIMON

That brings me to the favor I was going to ask. I told her you close-lined me while playing basketball.

BARTHOLOMEW

I got you.

SIMON

I wish she wasn’t a vegan; she’s an actress and I think she might be the next big star.

BARTHOLOMEW

I could never date an actress.

MATTHIAS

Why not?

BARTHOLOMEW

Because I don’t want to date someone who does sex scenes with a bunch of actors.

PHILIP

Yeah, cheating is cheating.

BARTHOLOMEW

If I’m friends with the guy who is dating Halle Berry, I’d torture him. I’d walk into his apartment everyday and sit him down saying, “I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think your girl is cheating on you.” Then I’d throw on the sex scene from Monster’s Ball!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That would suck! I don’t think we could remain friends if I end up dating an actress.

SIMON

I wouldn’t let that bother me. All you have to do is use your advantage. Everyday, before she had to do a sex scene, I’d go to the set and make her give me a blow job. Then we’d see how the actor enjoys making out with my girlfriend.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That’s the nastiest thing I ever heard.

SIMON

You have to fight dirty if you want to win!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s not dirty; that’s playing disgusting!

SIMON

Don’t kiss my chick!

Judas arrives at the table.

JUDAS

Kissing your chick; talk about sloppy seconds!

BARTHOLOMEW

You finally made it.

SIMON

You’re not still pissed are you?

JUDAS

I was heated, but I think if I was in your shoes, I’d probably believe the chick so I don’t care anymore. I’ll be gay Judas, as long as you guys don’t mind me inviting your chicks over for a slumber party.

PHILIP

I don’t care how gay you are; your not getting anywhere near Kim!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

So you admit that you’re gay?

JUDAS

No! The truth will come out eventually.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m confused. So you’re the the truth like Paul Pierce and you plan on coming out in the future?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

No. I have no idea why this chick made up this lie, but I intend on getting to the bottom of this.

BARTHOLOMEW

And by get to the bottom, do you mean some guys bottom?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I can see you’re going to enjoy this for a while.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes sir!

JUDAS

Why do you keep saying, “no homophobe?”

SIMON

It’s a new thing that Bart came up with so we don’t hurt your feelings when we make hurtful gay jokes.

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

That’s actually hilarious, but I’m not gay.

SIMON

Yeah, and Phil is not a virgin.

JUDAS

Oh shit; it’s Jasmine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I haven’t seen her in years. Do you still talk to her?

JUDAS

Na. After the last drunken hookup about a year ago, we’ve had no contact.

BARTHOLOMEW

Call her over here so we can all say hi.

JUDAS

I’d rather not; I don’t want to sleep with her again.

PHILIP

Are you crazy?

JUDAS

What?

PHILIP

She’s not going to sleep with you after a year of no contact.

JUDAS

Dude, she’s in love with me; I can bang her whenever I want.

BARTHOLOMEW

So you don’t want to sleep with her because you’re gay?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I’m not going to keep saying I’m not gay. You can keep the jokes coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

Thanks; I will!

MATTHIAS

I’m with Phil on this one; there is no way she is going to sleep with you after a year.

JUDAS

You guys are lucky I don’t want to sleep with her, because I would do it just to prove it.

BARTHOLOMEW

There is no way.

JUDAS

You guys have no idea.

SIMON

If that’s true, do it and prove us wrong.

JUDAS

I don’t want her to think that there is a possibility of us getting back together.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s the gay thing, right?

SIMON

Again, no homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

I would pay to see this.

SIMON

Me too!

MATTHIAS

I’ll match whatever these guys put up.

PHILIP

You guys are so childish.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re chipping in too; or you can’t watch.

JUDAS

What do you mean watch; I’m not banging my ex in front of you guys.

BARTHOLOMEW

I bet you would love that gay guy.

SIMON

No homophobe!

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m down to put up two hundred.

SIMON

I’ll do two hundred.

MATTHIAS

Me too!

JUDAS

That was too easy; I’ll do it for fifteen hundred or no deal.

BARTHOLOMEW

Done!

SIMON

Hell yeah!

MATTHIAS

I’ll even cover Phil’s portion.

SIMON

Na, he’s paying too.

PHILIP

It doesn’t matter because she’s not going to sleep with him.

JUDAS

If you guys have the cash, I’ll get head in the bar’s bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

You work on that and we’ll go to the ATM.

The guys leave the bar and Judas heads over to speak with his ex-girlfriend.

About twenty minutes later, the guys returned to the bar and Judas walked over from his ex-girlfriend’s table.

BARTHOLOMEW

Ok, we have the cash; let’s see what you’re made of.

JUDAS

Pay up; I already got head.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Which guy was it?

SIMON

No homophobe!

JUDAS

Real funny. I want my money.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you kidding; I know you don’t expect us to believe you.

JUDAS

I’m serious; she gave me head in the bathroom.

SIMON

How the hell are we supposed to verify that?

JUDAS

No problem. I’ll do it again.

Judas leaves and walks over to speak with his ex. A few minutes later, he leads her from her table to the back of the bar, where the restrooms are located.

PHILIP

I can’t believe this. What’s wrong with her.

BARTHOLOMEW

She probably just loves cock like Judas.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

This is amazing. I can’t believe he actually got her to agree.

MATTHIAS

You don’t think he offered to share the money with her, do you?

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell no! Are you insane? She would never agree to do it if she knew we were paying for it.

SIMON

Yeah man, what’s wrong with you. She’s in love, not a prostitute.

MATTHIAS

I was just asking.

A short while longer, Judas returns to his friends and places his left hand on the table.

JUDAS

Is that proof enough?

There is a small amount of what appears to be semen on his hand.

The guys take notice and break out into laughter.

SIMON

I can’t fucking believe it!

JUDAS

Pay up!

Bartholomew places the fifteen hundred on the table and Judas scoops it up.

JUDAS

I work hard for my money!

MATTHIAS

That was definitely worth every penny; I honestly didn’t think he could do it.

BARTHOLOMEW

Chicks dig gay dudes.

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

You should have just busted in her mouth.

JUDAS

I did! I just wiped a little bit on my hand for proof.

SIMON

Well done.

PHILIP

I’m speechless!

JUDAS

Don’t worry; one day you will get head and know what it feels like.

The guys laugh and Judas heads to the bathroom to clean up. When he returns, his ex-girlfriend is by his side.

JUDAS

Hey guys, look who I bumped into.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s going on Jasmine; it’s been a while.

JASMINE

Hi Bart, how’s life?

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t complain.

JASMINE

Hey guys.

SIMON

Hi Jasmine.

MATTHIAS

Hey,

PHILIP

Hi Jasmine.

JASMINE

What’s wrong with your eye, Phil?

PHILIP

I think I’m having an allergic reaction to something.

JUDAS

I just assumed Kim abused you so I didn’t say anything.

JASMINE

It looks infected, do you want me to run across the street and get some eye-drops?

PHILIP

No, you don’t have to go through all that trouble.

Simon winks at Bartholomew.

SIMON

Maybe it’s a hair.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, maybe you have  a hair in your eye.

SIMON

Jasmine, you should blow in his eye like the old ladies used to do when we were kids.

PHILIP

No, it’s fine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Phil, it might get infected; you might as well let her help.

JASMINE

Yeah Phil, I’m sure it’s painful. Let me blow the hair out of your eye.

Jasmine attempts to grab Phil, but he avoids her grasp.

PHILIP

I’m fine.

SIMON

Phil, stop being a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, let her blow into your eye; what’s wrong with you.

Simon stands from the table and grabs a hold of Philip’s arms.

SIMON

Go ahead, Jasmin.

Jasmine grabbed a hold of Philip’s head and blew into his eye. Simon released his grip and fell to the floor. The guys erupted with laughter. Jasmine also found the incident to be funny.

JASMINE

Phil is such a baby.

SIMON

Yeah, cockeye is such a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh shit! Cockeye!

JUDAS

I’ll walk you out Jasmine; these mature guys are going to be calling Phil a baby for the rest of the night.

JASMINE

Bye guys.

The guys wave goodbye, but can’t stop laughing long enough to say anything. Jasmine exits the bar with Judas.

PHILIP

You guys are assholes.

MATTHIAS

Why the hell did you let her blow in your eye?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, you know she just gave Judas head.

PHILIP

What was I supposed to do; Simon held me down and I didn’t want to let her know that Judas told us about what she did.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn cockeye, there is no way I would have let that go down.

Judas returns.

MATTHIAS

Are you guys back in a relationship?

BARTHOLOMEW

An open relationship; I assume.

SIMON

No homophobe.

JUDAS

Na, but I’m sure she has some ideas.

SIMON

You have nothing to complain about; you just got paid fifteen hundred dollars to get head.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, you’re a freaking porn star.

JUDAS

I’m not picking up the tab either.

The guys laugh and call it a night.

[IT’S A WRAP!]

Episode 3