Episode 1 Episode 2 Episode 3 Episode 4 Episode 5 Episode 6 Episode 7
INT. SPORTS BAR
Simon, Bartholomew, and Philip agree to meet Judas for some beers and Thursday Night Football. Judas is seated at a table with an unknown guy.
BARTHOLOMEW
Hey, it’s the good doctor. Beep beep!
JUDAS
It’s working like a charm!
SIMON
Who’s this?
JUDAS
This is my friend Dan; we went to the U together.
BARTHOLOMEW
So he’s an idiot?
DAN
Let me guess; you like FSU?
BATHOLOMEW
GO GATORS!
JUDAS
Same difference.
Batholomew extends his arm out.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m Bart.
DAN
Nice to meet you.
JUDAS
This is Phil, and he’s Simon.
DAN
Hey.
JUDAS
Are you ready for some football?
SIMON
Let’s do it.
Dan stands up.
DAN
It was nice to meet you guys; I’m about to hit the bathroom then take off.
PHILIP
You’re not joining us?
DAN
No, I have to get going soon.
PHILIP
Well, I guess it was nice to meet you.
DAN
Likewise.
The guys sit down and Dan heads for the restroom. Judas motions for the waitress.
JUDAS
Blue Moon good?
BARTHOLOMEW
Perfect!
WAITRESS
What can I get you guys?
JUDAS
Sue, we’ll have four more and four orders of wings.
SUE
Is that it?
JUDAS
That should hold us down for a little bit.
SUE
Great! Hey Simon; I haven’t seen you in a while.
SIMON
Hey.
Sue walks away and turns to look at Simon again before entering the kitchen.
JUDAS
Can you please explain to me why you don’t smash that?
SIMON
I told you; Leslie lives near here, they know each other and I don’t need the headache.
JUDAS
You’re getting soft. Oh well, I guess I’ll have to pipe it.
SIMON
That’s all you.
PHILIP
I don’t think she really likes Judas; every time we come here, he’s hollering at a different woman.
JUDAS
She likes me; she just doesn’t know it yet.
BARTHOLOMEW
Said the rapist!
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
So, what’s up with Dan?
JUDAS
He’s crazy; we had a blast on campus. You’ll never find a guy who can bag more chicks then that guy.
Simon notices a familiar face and stands up.
SIMON
What the hell is Heather doing here?
Simon waves hello to Heather and she walks over to the table.
HEATHER
Hey, what are you doing here.
SIMON
I was going to ask you the same thing; this is my bar.
HEATHER
I’m actually meeting a friend of mine.
SIMON
You’re not cheating on me, are you?
HEATHER
Of course not; don’t be silly!
The two friends laugh and Simon makes the introductions.
HEATHER
I’m actually here to meet a friend of mine.
JUDAS
Is she hot?
HEATHER
My friend is hot, but I’m actually a guy. He’s gay; maybe I can put in a good word for you.
The guys laugh.
JUDAS
No thanks; I’m all set.
HEATHER
Too bad!
BARTHOLOMEW
Simon, I like this chick.
SIMON
Yeah, she’s ok.
HEATHER
Just ok? Thanks!
SIMON
You know what I mean.
HEATHER
You guys enjoy your night; I’m going to try and find my friend.
SIMON
Have fun.
HEATHER
I’ll give you a call soon.
Simon winks at her.
JUDAS
Who’s the hell is that?
SIMON
I bagged her a while ago.
JUDAS
My apologies for saying you are slipping.
SIMON
I’m always on my game.
PHILIP
I’m sure Leslie loves her.
JUDAS
Don’t even start with that crap.
BARTHOLOMEW
It’s just Phil being Phil; who do we have tonight?
PHILIP
The Eagles and the Seahawks.
SIMON
What?
BARTHOLOMEW
C’mon, the schedule makers definitely blew it this week.
SIMON
Definitely!
BARTHOLOMEW
I hope there’s a good college basketball game on.
JUDAS
You never know; it might be a good game?
BARTHOLOMEW
No! I know. When you said tonight was all about the birds, I thought you meant hot chicks.
The guys laugh.
JUDAS
Maybe; it’s still early.
BARTHOLOMEW
Looks like you are right; Dan is about to bag Heather. I don’t think her friend showed up.
The guys all look towards the back of the bar.
JUDAS
Sorry Simon; she’s as good as gone.
SIMON
It’s all good, she’s her husbands problem, not mine.
PHILIP
She’s married?
SIMON
Yeah man; she’s a Brett Favre.
PHILIP
A Brett Favre?
SIMON
Yeah, he cheated on Green Bay with Minnesota; I categorize my chicks after quarterbacks.
PHILIP
Please elaborate.
SIMON
A married chick who is faithful is a Peyton Manning; she’s not going anywhere. A hot chick who you can’t stand because she is way too religious, is a Tebow.
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
Keep them coming.
SIMON
Your big girls are the Roethlisbergers, aka Big Ben. Single chicks with no ring, that’s a Dan Marino.
The guys laugh.
JUDAS
That’s not cool man; Marino was good.
BARTHOLOMEW
No, it makes sense; she’s good, not good enough to get a ring.
SIMON
Exactly. These are fairly simple. Obviously, any chick who hates your pet is a Michael Vick. A chick who messes up a lot is a Jay Cutler, and so on.
JUDAS
I like this system.
SIMON
I met some Joe Montanas. Those are the really good ones; Leslie is a Joe Montana. She’s really good, but not great; I’m still waiting to meet my John Elway.
BARTHOLOMEW
There are no Elways out there; John Elways are extinct.
SIMON
You have to keep the faith.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m good!
SIMON
It was actually nice to see Heather; a pleasant surprise.
BARTHOLOMEW
Pleasant surprises are good; it’s the unpleasant ones that I have a problem with.
SIMON
I definitely don’t need anymore of those.
BARTHOLOMEW
A pleasant surprise is when you find an onion ring inside your Burger King fries.
The guys laugh.
BARTHOLOMEW
An unpleasant surprise is when your wife finally decides to have a threesome with her hot coworker, but you aren’t invited. To make things worse, you discover that your best friend was!
JUDAS
Ouch!
SIMON
I definitely don’t want to experience that.
BARTHOLOMEW
That’s what happens to the nice guys.
JUDAS
You better watch out Phil; you’re on the wrong path.
PHILIP
I wouldn’t marry a whore who would cheat on me.
JUDAS
Of course not, Phil. You would never fall for a whore. By the way, how’s Courtney doing?
BARTHOLOMEW
Why are you going there?
JUDAS
Relax; it was a joke.
PHILIP
I’m not going to change my ways to please someone who is unhappy with his own life.
SIMON
Is he unhappy?
PHILIP
Of course; I see through the bull.
JUDAS
Thanks Dr. Phil; how much do I owe you for this session?
PHILIP
This one’s on the house!
Sue walks up to the table. and leans over Simon.
SUE
Do you need anything else?
SIMON
Ah, I think we’ll have another round.
SUE
Anymore wings?
SIMON
Anyone?
PHILIP
I’ll take another order.
SUE
None for you, Simon?
SIMON
No, I’m good for now.
SUE
Ok, I’ll be right back with your beer.
SIMON
Thanks.
SUE
Anytime!
She heads back to the kitchen.
PHILIP
I see what you’re talking about, Judas; she’s all over you!
The guys all laugh.
JUDAS
Don’t count me out. Once I bang her, I’ll call you and let you know how good it was.
PHILIP
Should I hold my breath?
BARTHOLOMEW
I think I like this new Phil; keep the punches coming.
SIMON
I don’t think Phil will ever forget about losing Courtney.
JUDAS
You can’t lose something you never had. Phil should worry about losing his virginity and forget about Courtney.
The guys laugh. Simon checks his phone after a text message alert.
SIMON
It’s Heather. looks like this Favre can’t get enough.
BARTHOLOMEW
What did she say?
SIMON
She said we need to talk.
JUDAS
You know what that means; she wants to ask you if it’s cool for me to bang it.
PHILIP
Yeah, that’s exactly what it means. I think you’re losing touch with reality.
SIMON
If you want, I can ask her if this is about you?
JUDAS
No. Let her bring it up.
PHILIP
You’re insane.
The guys laugh. They continue to by drinks while ignoring the football game.
BARTHOLOMEW
Did anyone even watch the game?
SIMON
Hell no.
BARTHOLOMEW
Let’s chug these beers and get the hell out of here.
JUDAS
You guys can leave, but I’m not going without Sue.
PHILIP
You know we have laws against kidnapping?
JUDAS
She’s not a kid, jackass!
The guys laugh.
SIMON
Be gentle; she looks fragile.
JUDAS
Nope; I’m going to tear that up since Phil doubts my game.
PHILIP
If I take back my comment, will you leave her alone?
JUDAS
Too late; once I accept a challenge, I have to go through with it.
PHILIP
Poor girl.
BARTHOLOMEW
I’m sure she’ll be ok; she’s probably a closet freak.
SIMON
She’s definitely not shy.
BARTHOLOMEW
Let’s finish these beers and let Judas work his black magic.
Judas watches as his friends inhale their drinks.
JUDAS
Drive safe!
The guys laugh. Judas remains seated but the other guys exit the bar. He motions for Sue to join him at the table.
SUE
Are you ready to close out, Mr. Last Customer?
JUDAS
Yeah, but can I ask you a question?
SUE
Sure.
JUDAS
Do you hate me?
SUE
Why would you say that?
JUDAS
Because, you never show any interest in me.
SUE
What? Your the one who doesn’t show any interest in me; you’re always chasing the customers.
JUDAS
That’s because I didn’t think you would be interested. Do you want to hang out after you close up?
SUE
If you don’t mind waiting a little longer, I’d love to.
JUDAS
Great! I’m glad I asked.
Twenty minutes elapsed. Judas led Sue to his car and they rode to his apartment.
INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT
After a night of passion, Judas picked up his phone. He sent a text to Philip. “Hey jackass, I just banged Sue! It was everything your virgin mind ever imagined sex to be!!!”
SUE
What are you doing?
JUDAS
Just reminding Phil that he has to give me a ride to my mechanic, in the morning.
SUE
Oh.
JUDAS
Yeah, I have to replace the battery for the heater. I’ve been freezing my ass off for the past week.
SUE
I was wondering why you didn’t turn on the heat.
Judas leaves the bed and begins to get dressed.
JUDAS
It’ll be easier if I take you home right now.
SUE
Yeah, I don’t think we should let Phil know our business before our relationship is more serious.
JUDAS
Uh, yeah.
EXT. Judas’ Car
After a short drive to Sue’s apartment, she gives Judas a loving hug before exiting the car.
SUE
Call me!
JUDAS
Ok, I will.
Sue enters her building and Phil grabs for his phone. He sends another text to Phil, who is clearly fast asleep. “Cool bar, too bad we can never go there again; I’m going to miss it!”
Judas drives off!
[It’s A Wrap!]
@PeteTeix617
Haaaaaaa!!! I can insert more jokes here and there (probaly over doing it). Otherwise, hilarious….
Thanks!
Very funny! Love the comparison to QBs! I would call myself an Elway but I’d rather be a Brady…MVP!!!
Thanks! You don’t want to be a Brady. Those women will have tragic endings!!!
Haha! I’ll take my chances!
Good luck!
This episode yet….haha
Stay away from a Phillip Rivers…..smh!
Rivers are the exciting chicks who will always let you down when it counts.
Haha, Dead on!