The Second Coming

Part II {Read the first part in the previous post. An Overdue Conversation}

 

I’m fresh up out my coma…

I got my Momma and my Daddy and my homies in my co’na…

It’s gonna take a miracle they say…

For me to walk again and talk again but anyway…

I get, fronted some KIs…

To get, back on my feet…

And everything the homie said came to reality…

Living like a baller loc…

Having money, and blowing hella chronic smoke…

I bought my Momma a Benz, and bought my boo boo a Jag…

And now I’m rolling in a nine-trizzay L Dogg Rag…

Wait a minute. Those are the lyrics to Snoop’s ‘Murder Was The Case.’ Sorry about that…points off my grade.

Everything promised, to me, came true. Obviously, the big guy is no liar; we all know he is great and powerful. Especially after he saved that Dorothy chick and her little dog!

****** (Most people credit Paris Hilton with creating the little doggy trend, but Dorothy was the true O.G. when it comes to rolling with a miniature pup. She also started the red bottoms craze…that girl was way ahead of her time.) ******

I sat on the balcony of my beach front mansion and watched the waves crash into the unlucky bathers who are probably wishing that the Pacific Ocean was a few degrees warmer. As I sat thinking of a billion dollar invention to heat up the shark infested water, a star appeared in the sky. I was amazed at how bright it was. The star wasn’t brighter than the others; it was the only visible light through the thick Los Angeles fog. For a few seconds, it appeared that the star was getting closer, and the light grew blinding.

Little did I know; this was no star. I was being visited by an angel.

Angel: “God evening.”

Me: “Hello. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Angel: “I am angel.”

Me: “I am human.”

Angel: “No, moron. My name is Angel.”

Me: “Oh…my bad. I was wondering why god sent a slow angel.”

Angel: “Don’t you mean retarded angel?”

Me: “No. You can’t say that word; it offends people.”

Angel: “You know I can read your mind; I know you wanted to say ‘retarded.’”

[I laugh.]

Me: “So, when is Jesus coming…no homo?”

Angel: “Don’t you mean ‘when is he coming…extra homo?’ You know I can read your mind.”

[We laugh.]

Me: “Definitely not. Keep on playing and I’ll send him back an extra virgin.”

[He laughs.]

Angel: “Ok. I guess there isn’t really anything to do, other than give you his arrival date since you seem prepared.”

Me: “Great! What day?”

Angel: “He will be here tomorrow.”

[The angel disappears.]

I didn’t sleep well that night. The anticipation of Jesus returning to earth was too much excitement. It only makes sense for the big guy to choose me as The Christ Chaperone…I guess I am the second coming of the apostle Peter. Unlike the previous guy, I am not sharing the limelight with anyone else.

I was awakened by a bright light. I struggled to open my eyes, but I was finally able to make out a man standing at the foot of my bed. He appeared to be of Indian decent.

Me: “Who the hell are you?”

Figure: “It’s me, Jesus.”

Me: “Why the hell did you choose to be Indian? Do you not know that most of the billion citizens are not Catholics? You’re definitely not a big deal over there.”

Jesus: “Of course I know. I’m going to convert them once they see my new face.”

Me: “That’s actually a great idea.”

Jesus: “Yeah, dad knows what he is doing.”

Me: “I’ve been waiting for you. I hope you’re ready! I have a slut in the other room and she is ready to yell out your dad’s name.”

Jesus: “What? That’s too early…I’m not ready right now.”

ME: “WHAT? I can’t believe you’re freezing up again. You’re dad is going to be pissed.”

Jesus: “I’m not freezing up…I just want to do it with a girl I choose.”

Me: “How long is that going to take?”

Jesus: “I don’t know…maybe a couple nights.”

[I start laughing.]

Me: “I’m just messing with you.”

Jesus: “Oh…yeah; I knew that.”

Me: “Sure! I see that you didn’t get any of that ‘all knowing’ stuff from your dad. You definitely got your smarts from your uneducated mother.”

Jesus: “Who said my mother was uneducated?”

Me: “C’mon. Everyone knows women didn’t go to school back in those days.”

[I wink.]

Me: “The good O’le days!”

Jesus: “The what?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding.”

Jesus: “What are you going to do when you end up in Heaven and have to face my mother.”

Me: “Not sure…depends if she is a M.I.L.F. or not!”

[He grows angry.]

Jesus: “What did you just say?”

[I can’t help but laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding…I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

Jesus: “I’m not sensitive; I just didn’t hear what you said. I have had trouble hearing from my left ear, since the crucifixion.”

Me: “Oh, damn. I didn’t know. Why can’t your dad fix it?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You’re an idiot. I have the power to perform miracles and you think I have a bad ear?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m definitely slipping.”

Jesus: “No…you’re just dumb.”

Me: “Let’s go do something.”

Jesus: “It’s your town. You tell me what we’re going to do.”

Me: “Actually, your dad pretty much owns the entire universe so it’s really your town.”

Jesus: “Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should trust an idiot with this decision; ths is my first night.”

[I begin to sing.]

Me: “If I could walk on water, would you believe in me.”

[He shakes his head.]

Jesus: “I hate that fucking song.”

Me: “First of all, the song is great, and secondly, who the hell said you can curse?”

Jesus: “I can do whatever the hell I want. What are you my mom?”

Me: “No, but I am your chaperone and you will respect me.”

Jesus grows larger and spreads his arms out over his head and begins to yell.

Jesus: “You shall Respect ME!”

For a second, the room goes black. Suddenly, I seem to be tiny. I look in the mirror and discover that I am now a ladybug.

Me: “Change me back or…”

Jesus: “Or what?”

Me: “Or…or I will not help you get laid. I’ll tell women that you are a virgin. Annnnd a pedophile.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I’m not a fucking pedophile.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “It’s going to take some time for me to get used to you swearing.”

Jesus: “It’s not that big a deal.”

Me: “Yes it is. And yes, you are a pedophile.”

Jesus: “You’re an idiot.”

Me: “Ok, you’re not a pedophile, but your priests are.”

Jesus: “They’re not my fucking priests.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “C’mon. Just change me back.”

Jesus: “Ok. But first, you have to beg.”

Me: “Just change me back.”

He crosses his arms and bows his head quickly. I turn back into myself.

Me: “What the hell! Did you just pull a genie move from the television show?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You know it.”

Me: “Seriously. We have to set rules, because I’m not dealing with that type of nonsense.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “Now look at who is sensitive.”

Me: “Ok, we don’t need rules, but you can’t abuse me. I’m trying to help you out.”

Jesus: “Alright, I get what you are saying.”

Me: “Cool! Let’s go, jerk.”

Jesus: “What did I do to deserve that?”

[We laugh.]

The night turned out to be a success. We got some food then hit up a few bars in Hollywood. Jesus was a big hit, and it appeared that he was ready to lose his virginity.

The following morning, I woke up early and made some breakfast.

Jesus: “That smells good. What did you make for breakfast?”

Me: “Some eggs, bacon and home fries.”

Jesus: “Sounds good…I’m starving.”

Me: “Yeah, I woke up feeling the same way.”

Jesus: “Where is my plate?”

Me: “I didn’t make any for you.”

Jesus: “What the hell?”

[I shrug my shoulders and continue to eat.]

Jesus: “Why didn’t you make some for me?”

Me: “It’s every man for himself around here.”

Jesus: “That is very selfish of you, but not a problem.”

[A plate of food appears on the table.]

Me: “Must be nice!”

Jesus: “Yup!”

Me: “Did you have fun last night?”

Jesus: “Yeah. It was great.”

Me: “Did you see anything worth a poke?”

Jesus: “On Facebook?”

[I shake my head in disapproval.]

Jesus: “Sorry, but I had to.”

Me: “I guess.”

Jesus: “I did like the girl from the pizza place.”

Me: “Oh yeah! I completely forgot about her. You stole my phone and texted her all night. You missed out on some hot chicks.”

Jesus: “Not really. I like Cece.”

Me: “So is she the one?”

Jesus: “Yeah, I think so.”

Me: “When is it going down? Or should I say, when is she going down?”

Jesus: “She’s not some random whore…I’m going to take her out on a proper date and let things happen as they will.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s exactly what I said. Let me rephrase. When are you going to bang the slut?”

[He gets annoyed and shakes his head disapprovingly.]

Jesus: “You’re a moron.”

Me: “When is the date?”

Jesus: “I’m meeting her this afternoon, and we’re going to hang out all day.”

Me: “Sounds like a lot of work. If I had the power to perform miracles, I’d be on chick number 17 by now.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I don’t think we are looking for the same thing.”

Me: “You’re right about that. I have no desire to land in the friend zone.”

[He shakes his head.]

 

Jesus left the mansion to go on his date with Cece. I waited up all night, but he never returned. The following afternoon, I decided to sit by the pool until he finally arrived.

Me: “There he is. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something different about you.”

Jesus: “No. I’m exactly the same.”

Me: “Are you serious? What the hell did you do…spend the night and read Bible versus to each other?”

Jesus: “No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “What happened? Did you freeze up?”

Jesus: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about what happens between me and Cece.”

Me: “You mean Cece and I.”

[Jesus is annoyed.]

Jesus: “Ha ha. What is that…a you banged Cece joke?”

Me: “No, I was correcting your grammar. You said me and Cece, but you are supposed to say Cece and I. You are truly your mother’s son.”

Jesus: “Who cares. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “Are you fucking kidding me? You are going to tell me every single detail, or I’m calling your dad.”

Jesus: “How do you plan on doing that?”

Me: “I don’t know…pray, I guess.”

Jesus: “If you must know, I am no longer a virgin.”

Me: “Are you serious? I can’t believe it…my little boy is a man.”

[I wipe away fake tears.]

Jesus: “It was the greatest night of my life.”

Me: “Better than the crucifixion?”

[I laugh.]

Jesus: “You’re the dumbest person I know.”

Me: “What happened?”

Jesus: “I’m not going into personal details. All you need to know is that I performed and she was satisfied. P.S. I am no minute man…Lionel Richie was definitely singing All night long.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I need some details.”

Jesus: “I can tell you that I plan on hanging around for a while.”

Me: “What? What the hell are you talking about”? Don’t tell me you fell in love.”

Jesus: “Cece is great and she has some great ideas.”

Me: “What kind of ideas?”

Jesus: “We were talking and I want to have a son; he will be the next Messiah.”

Me: “Son? Tell me you strapped up.”

Jesus: “You think I waited two thousand years to wear a condom?”

Me: “JESUS CHRIST! I hope you pulled out.”

Jesus: “Of course not. She is on the pill.”

Me: “Oh my GOD! You’re dumber than I thought. That’s what all the groupie whores say.”

Jesus: “She isn’t a whore.”

Me: “I can’t believe this chick might be pregnant.”

Jesus: “There is no might. If I want her to be pregnant she will be, but if I don’t want her to be pregnant, there will be no child.”

Me: “What the hell? I thought your church was against abortion.”

Jesus: “It’s not an abortion.”

Me: “Whatever you say buddy. Sounds like an abortion to me. Good for you.”

Jesus: “You’re a complete idiot.”

Me: “Can you please explain to me why the hell you want to have a child with this chick?”

Jesus: “If I have a son, he can help to convert the non-Christians and bring the entire world together.”

Me: “That’s a dumb idea.”

Jesus: “It’s Cece’s idea and it’s great.”

Me: “I can’t believe this. Two thousand years and you finally get some pussy and you lose your damn mind.”

Jesus: “You’re too dumb to understand the importance of me having a child.”

Me: “You don’t even know this chick and you’re ready to make her the mother of the next Messiah? What’s her real name…I need to do a little background check.”

Jesus: “For what?”

Me: “Because you were born from a virgin and we don’t need your son born from some Biblical groupie slut.”

Jesus: “You don’t even know her.”

Me: “Neither do you.”

Jesus: “Give me your phone.”

[He enters her name and loads her Facebook profile.]

Jesus: “Here.”

Me: “Good! At least you know her name. Let me see. Damn, her page is private.”

Jesus: “Check again.”

Me: “Jeez, you can really do whatever you want.”

Jesus: “Not really. You don’t see me killing you.”

Me: “Relax, I am on your side.”

Jesus: “I can’t wait to tell my dad about Cece’s plan.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Jesus: “Why not?”

[I hand him my phone.]

Jesus: “What the hell is this?”

Me: “That’s Cece’s ass and half of those comments are from guys who clearly have tapped it.”

Jesus: “That’s not necessarily true.”

Me: “NO? Why don’t you call her and ask?”

Jesus: “No problem.”

[He takes the phone and enters the house. He then returns after a long conversation.]

Jesus: “This sucks!”

Me: “What?”

Jesus: “She’s a fucking whore.”

Me: “She admitted it?”

Jesus: “It’s kind of hard for people to lie to me.”

Me: “Oh yeah. Wait…I’m confused. How did you not see this with all of your super powers?”

Jesus: “I don’t know. I guess my mind was clouded because of the sex.”

Me: “Yeah. That makes sense. What did she say.”

Jesus: “She planned on getting pregnant and making me grant her wishes instead of child support.”

Me: “What the hell did she think…that you were the Genie from Aladdin?”

[We both laugh.]

Jesus: “I don’t know, but some of you humans are fucked up people. I think I’m ready to go back. I don’t want to risk sleeping with some super whore who strips me of all my powers.”

[I laugh.]

Me: I don’t think you have to leave, just remember to let your dad do the planning from now on. You’re definitely your mother’s son.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I can’t wait until you have to face her.”

Me: “She seems like a nice lady…I think I will be alright.”

Jesus: “I’ll sleep on it and think about staying.”

Me: “Stay a little longer and we’ll have a blast.”

Jesus: “We’ll see.”

{The End}
@PeteTeix617

 

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An Overdue Conversation

A few days ago, I found this post which is supposed to be part one of two, but I forgot to continue. The desire to write has resurfaced, so I have re-posted this story and will finally finish the second part. (Hope I still have it.)

[Original Story]

I’m skeptical when it comes to psychics but I decided to give the experience a try and see what all the hype was about. I drove to Hollywood and found a “reputable” medium to help me uncover the world of the unknown.

I don’t really have any desire to know what will happen in my future so there was no point in going down that path. I did have some questions that I wanted answered, but there was no need for me to ask any of them; the psychic already had something planned for me.

“I will answer the main question that has plagued you for most of your life.” She said confidently.

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and I seriously thought about demanding my money back and storming out of the cuckoo’s nest, but curiosity got the best of me. (Thank goodness I’m not a cat!)

After a few minutes of preparation, the psychic held my hands and asked me to close my eyes. I followed several more instructions and eventually found myself in the middle of an out-of-body experience.

Before I knew it, I was in a strange place. There was no furniture because the floor was comfortable enough to either lie on or sit; I never experienced a more relaxing setting. There was a woman stroking a harp in one corner, but she did not seem to notice my arrival. The walls seemed to be made up of some weird reinforced cloud material. They were deceptively strong but soft to the touch. Leaning up against the wall felt like jumping onto a five thousand thread count comforter atop a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

Initially, I thought that I was the only other person in the room, but after gathering my bearings I realized that there were two beings at the other end of the room. I couldn’t make out their form, but these two were clearly not human beings. I wasn’t sure if I should approach them, but I didn’t have a choice so I walked to where they were standing.

When I got within earshot I said hello, but they didn’t seem to hear me. It turns out that these two were in the middle of a conversation. I wasn’t sure if they could see me or if I was invisible. Their bodies were made out of what appeared to be a mist, which continued to take different forms. One of the beings was about twice the size of the other and changed shapes more frequently.

I didn’t want to be nosy, but there was nothing I could do other than sit on the comfortable floor and wait until they were done talking.

Here is what I heard.

Being 1: “What is it now; why are you always angry? You’re the only person here who is never happy.”

Being2: “Nothing is wrong. Anyway, I thought you knew everything?”

Being1: “I can’t take it anymore. You’ve been angry for two thousand years but recently, you’ve been unbearable. What is bothering you?”

Being2: “You never apologized for making me go through unspeakable pain. You have no idea what it was like.”

Being1: “I thought we discussed this? You agreed to make the sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

Being2: “I know I agreed, but I feel like you didn’t appreciate what I did.”

Being1: “Of course I appreciate it. There are monuments all over the world dedicated to your memory. What more do you want? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

[As I sat on the floor, I realized who these beings were. I was in the presence of God and Jesus. I couldn’t believe it!]

Jesus: “The crucifixion was horrible, but that’s not what is really bothering me.”

God: “Then what is it?”

Jesus: “I don’t want to talk about it because you wouldn’t understand.”

God: “After two thousand years of you being angry, there is no way I’m dropping this now; tell me why you’re angry.”

Jesus: “Why did I have to die a virgin?”

God: “What?”

Jesus: “On earth. You sent me to save the human souls, and I didn’t get to enjoy the entire experience.”

God: “Is that what has been bothering you all these years?”

Jesus: “Yes! Seriously, what was the point? I sacrificed my life by dying the most excruciating death, and for what; all we are left with is a Church whose leadership is full of pedophiles and pedophile sympathizers. I feel cheated.”

God: “I understand that things haven’t exactly worked out, but why are you mad at me? I never said you couldn’t have sex.”

Jesus: “You never said it but you implied it with all that ‘set an example’ talk.”

God: “I said set an example, but I never placed a restriction on sex. I understand that you are frustrated, but don’t try and blame me; you could have slept with whichever woman you desired.”

Jesus: “I guess you’re right; I only have myself to blame.”

God: “I always wondered why you didn’t sleep with any women. I figured you didn’t have any interest. You were always around so many men; there was one point I actually thought you were gay.”

Jesus : ”I wasn’t gay; I just had trouble speaking when I was in the company of a beautiful woman. I never knew how to break the ice.”

God: “Are you kidding me? I gave you the power to perform miracles. You could have had any woman you wanted. I can’t count how many times I saw you pass up some of my best work.”

Jesus: “For many years, I didn’t understand it either, but after watching the Forty Year-Old Virgin, I realized that I was putting the pussy on a pedestal. The sad thing is, I never discovered how to stop glorifying the pussy.”

God: “What do you mean?”

Jesus: “I waited so long to have sex that it eventually became an unattainable goal. My friends tried to tell me that I was overthinking things but I was too afraid to take the first step. I always got too nervous”

God: “Why didn’t you just have one of the guys bring someone for you? Your apostles were some serious players; between the group, I think half of Jerusalem went down.”

Jesus: “Yeah, Simon slept next door and he never had a night off. It’s not fair; I want to go back so I can have an orgasm.”

God: “I knew you never had sex, but I didn’t know you never had an orgasm.”

Jesus: “Well, I kind of had one.”

God: “What do you mean kind of?”

Jesus: “There was this one time that I woke up from a wet dream; it was horrible.”

God: “Were you scared because it was the first time you saw semen?”

Jesus: “No. The guys already explained that to me. I said it was horrible because it was my first orgasm and I missed it. Do you know how frustrating it is to wake up, drenched in your own jizz, and completely missing out on the orgasm? It fucking sucks, dad!”

God: “Yeah, I guess that is pretty bad.”

Jesus: “It always bothered me that I never had sex, but recently it’s been unbearable; these humans are out of control. I can’t take it anymore. Do you not see how these people are living? With all these tiny cameras and smart phones, a new porn star is made every other minute of the day. I can’t look at earth for a second without seeing some slut, whooping it up and showing the goods! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT PUSSY FEELS LIKE!”

God: “Yeah, I feel like it’s Sodom and Gomorra all over again?”

Jesus: “Did you ever have sex?”

God: “Of course. I definitely took the form of a human being and slept with a few women in my early years.”

Jesus: “Can I go back? I need to have sex!”

God: “You’re my son and I want you to be happy, but what happens if I send you back and you freeze up?”

Jesus: “Are you kidding me? There is no way I’ll freeze up. If you send me back, I’ll bang everything in sight; it’s a completely different world; women are sleeping with men for cheeseburgers.”

[I let out a loud sneeze and the two beings turn to face me.]

Jesus: “My dad blesses you.”

Me: “Thanks.”

God: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “I went to see a psychic and she sent me here. I guess she wanted me to see that you were real. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation, but when I said hello, no one seemed to notice me.”

God: “Is there anything you need to know before I send you back?”

Me: “Yeah! I’ve been an atheist for some time now and I’m wondering if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to enter Heaven when I die?”

God: “Of course. I’m not happy with the religions of the world. Most of those people will be taking the elevator to the ground level after they die. Honestly, if I lived on earth, I’d be an atheist too!”

Jesus: “Hey dad, since you’re about to send this guy back to earth, can I just tag along?”

Me: “That’s cool with me.”

God: ”That’s not how it works. I have to plan these things out to ensure that we do not upset the balance of the universe. You will go to earth in due time.”

Jesus: “Ok, I can wait; I guess.”

God: “Here is what will happen. I will send our friend here back to earth and he will prepare for your visit. I will ensure that his novel will be published and it will be a great success. I will also see to it that the screenplay he co-wrote with his cousin will be picked up by a major production company; I read the script and I laughed my ass off!”

Me: “Wow, thanks God! You’re the best; I can’t believe you enjoyed the script. What about the manuscript; did you get a chance to read it?”

God: “I did read it and I loved the book. You should be proud of the finished products.”

Me: “This is unbelievable. Is there any way you can make me cry tears of joy?”

[It appears that God is pointing his index finger towards me.]

God: “Here you go.”

[Tears begin to flow from my eyes.]

Me: “Thanks, big guy!”

God: “Once you achieve great success, you will prepare for my son’s arrival. It will be your duty to ensure that he sows his wild oats.”

Jesus: “YES! It’s about time for my second coming!”

Me: “Yeah, especially since the first one was during a wet dream.”

[They both laugh.]

Jesus: “I’m going to find a hot scientist and give her the Big Bang!”

[We all laugh.]

Me: “This will be an experience.”

God: “I’ll work out the details and one of my angels will notify you before Jesus’ arrival.”

Me: “Ok. Thanks again for the kind words.”

God: “Keep up the good work.”

Me: “Hey, before I go; did Michael Jackson molest those boys?”

God: “What are you TMZ? Get your nosy ass out of here!”

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive subject.”

In the blink of an eye, I return to the room with the psychic. She knew that I saw the Lord, but she didn’t get to hear what was discussed. I thanked her for her assistance before leaving. I didn’t feel the need to share any of the details with her and she never inquired.

I can’t wait to carry out the mission!

{To be continued.}…on the next post! The Second Coming

 

@PeteTeix617

The “G” Card

There are some challenges that arise when someone becomes enlightened and discovers the truth known as atheism. I don’t mind having to repeatedly explain myself when asked, “how did you manage to figure out there is no ‘god’ why don’t you believe in ‘god’?”

Although I love being an atheist as much as a Catholic priest loves dressing up as Santa Claus and having little boys sit on his lap during Christmas, there are a few occasions in which I must pull out my “g” card. Sometimes, it’s just not worth my effort to explain that I am an atheist.

Here are some of the rare occurrences where I fake being a believer and pull out my “g” card:

{1} My mother is religious and she always says some form of, “’god’ be with you,” after any conversation. There is no point in saying anything else other that “ok!”

{2} Whenever one of my favorite teams lose, I like to say, “Why have thou forsaken me, ‘god?’ Fuck you and your son Jesus!” Even though there is no “god,” this usually bothers any believer within earshot, which makes me feel better about the loss. If people can thank their lord and savior after a win, I should be able to do the opposite after a loss! After all, “god” made words and words don’t hurt! Wait! I think I got that wrong; “god” made dirt. Who the hell made words? (I don’t know who came up with the “god” made dirt thing, but the person is clearly an idiot because anyone who has been hit with wet dirt knows a great deal of pain is involved!)

***Don’t bother calling me an asshole; I’m proud of that fact!***

{3} I always pull out my “g” card any time someone plays my favorite, Tim Tebow’s favorite, and without question the greatest religious song known to man; Rich Mullins’ Awesome “god”!
I think it’s dumb to say “’god’ is good,” because I was taught that good is not good enough, but saying our “god” is an awesome “god” is amazing! (If I had the choice between a good “god” and an awesome “god,” I’m going with the awesome one every time!)

Can one of you “keepin’ it real” rap artists please make a remix of this song? PLEASE!!!

Awesome “God”

{3} In order to keep myself humble, I usually break out my “g” card so I can appear to have the same intelligence as someone who believes in the existence of a “good” deity who has more deaths under his belt than the “bad” semi-deity.

I never knew “god” was a serial killer! (These numbers come from the “good” book!)

{4} I haven’t done this yet, but if I happen to be under the influence of alcohol and I run into some “good” girl who only sleeps with pious men, I will have no problem breaking out my “g” card! (“God” forbid she sleeps with a nonbeliever!)

{5} If I ever walk past the local abortion clinic during lunch and the angry mob of protestors, holding assault rifles and other powerful automatic weapons, ask if I’m pro-life, I first answer, “yeah, I love living!” They are usually pisses off by my response and threaten to kill me. I then say, “who are we to question ‘god’s’ plan? Speaking of plan, we can avoid all this nonsense if these women would just go to their local drug stores and purchase that plan b… never mind!”

@PeteTeix617

Good Old Marriage Advice

Timothy graduated from Harvard Law School at the top of his class. As expected, every major firm in the country offered him a position. The decision was simple for Tim; “wherever Lucy wants to live is fine with me.” He said. Lucy was Tim’s high school sweetheart and he loved her more than anything; as long as his fiancé was happy, nothing else mattered.

The couple eventually married and Tim became a partner in his Chicago firm. Everything was going well, except for one major problem. Tim wanted children but Lucy wasn’t ready; she wanted to focus on running her salon before venturing into motherhood.

Although the two loved one another unconditionally, the subject of parenthood caused a great deal of tension in the household. In fact, Tim and Lucy argued every single night, before finally slamming doors and sleeping in separate rooms.

After three months of passionless nights, Tim realized something had to be done. His proposal was a night out on the town. He hoped to reignite the fire in their marriage and forget about their problems for at least one night.

Tim pulled out all the stops; reservations at the best restaurant in the windy city, a limo ride to their destination, a night of dancing, and a stay in a luxurious suite.

The night started off well but the romance quickly faded, during dinner. Things took a turn for the worse when an eleven year-old walked past the table, on his way to the little boy’s room. Tim gave the child a high-five, which caused Lucy to assume her husband was attempting to drop a hint.

Try as he did, Tim was unable to avoid an argument. The hot-blooded conversation even caused the manager to ask the couple to control themselves. Tim thought the night was a complete loss, since they sat in complete silence while waiting for the waiter to bring the check.

Suddenly, Lucy placed her hand on top of Tim’s hand and smiled at him. “I’m sorry for all the drama; let’s try to enjoy the remainder of the night.” She uttered.

Tim was completely shocked. “I think that’s a great idea.”

Lucy’s change of heart came when she noticed an elderly gentleman, spoon-feeding a piece of chocolate cake to his lovely wife. “Look at those two; I wonder what their secret is.” She said.

Tim turned and admired the amorous couple. “That will be us one day.” He said.

Lucy’s heart melted. “I love you. I don’t want to waste another second arguing. Let’s start a family.” She said.

Tim couldn’t believe what he was hearing. “I love you.” He said as a tear rolled down his cheek.

Lucy also began to release her own tears of joy. The couple often spoke about the importance of family. That night, Lucy finally realized that she no longer wanted to put her career ahead of her family. “You’re going to be the best dad, ever!” She said.

Tim smiled. “And you will be the world’s greatest mom!” He responded.

Tim apologized to the waiter for their previous behavior. “We would also like to pay for the elderly couple’s check.” Tim said.

“I’ll let Good old Jack know that you covered his meal.” The waiter replied.

The waiter walked across the room and revealed Tim’s generous gesture to the couple. They were surprised and touched. Before exiting, Jack and his lady, Kathy, walked over to express their appreciation.

The two couples chatted while they walked towards the restaurant’s back door. Tim and Lucy watched as Jack opened up the passenger side door for Kathy and gently closed it after she entered.

“Hey Jack, how long have you been married?” Tim asked.

“Fifty-eight wonderful years!” Jack answered.

“Still a gentleman after all the years!” Tim said.

Jack smiled.

“What’s your secret? How do you stay happily married after so many years?” Tim asked.

Jack walked over to Tim and his wife. He leaned in and whispered. “It’s pretty simple. I leave the old ball and chain at home whenever I get the hankering for some sweet widow pussy!” Jack proudly stated before winking!

[THE END]

@PeteTeix617

Nostra-Dog-Mus

Once upon a time, in the small town of Teec Nos Pos, Arizona, near the famous four corners, there lived a unique canine. The mayor of Teec Nos Pos found the dog while on a family trip to the border where Colorado, Arizona, New Mexico, and Utah connect. Immediately, the mayor’s son, little Thomas bonded with his new best friend, Spot.

Thomas and Spot were inseparable; the two friends went everywhere together. One day, Thomas decided to go swimming at the creek and he discovered that his wallet was missing from his pants. The water was too cold for Spot’s liking, so he remained near his owner’s possessions.

There were two boys sitting near Thomas’ pants, but each child denied taking the wallet. “Too bad you’re not a talking dog, buddy.” Thomas said to his pet.

Spot barked and the boys appeared to be nervous; it was as if the dog was trying to identify the culprit. Just for kicks, Thomas asked, “did Roger take my wallet?”

Spot did not respond.

“Did Chris take my wallet?” Thomas asked.

Spot began to bark. Amazingly, Chris was overcome with guilt and finally admitted to taking the wallet.

Thomas couldn’t believe that his dog could understand what he was saying. It turned out that Spot could actually answer any question. Spot predicted the weather. “Spot, will it rain tomorrow?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

He picked out criminals from police lineups. “Spot, did Mr. Tennyson steal the car?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

Spot even solved some of life’s biggest mysteries. “Spot, is there life on other planets?” Thomas asked.

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Woof, Woof!” The dog barked.

One afternoon, Thomas and his family returned to their home after a wonderful Sunday mass, and the boy decided to ask the one question that puzzled him. “Spot, is there a god?”

Spot thought for a second and reacted. “Mother fucker, are you fucking crazy?” The dog spoke!

[THE END]

@PeteTeix617

It Was A Truth Day

In the past, I mentioned the fact that I enjoy changing the lyrics of hit songs. This is a rewrite of Ice Cube’s It Was A Good Day. My version is called It was A Truth Day. ENJOY!

 

Ice Cube – It Was A Good Day

(For maximum enjoyment, click on the link and have the song playing while reading the lyrics!)

 

It Was A Truth Day:

Just waking up in the morning never thank “god”

I don’t know why religion is the biggest fraud

No dying on the cross, no mosque

I’d rather believe in Santa and Jack frost

I got my church on, but never bought in

Never figured out why the pastor was ballin’

So hooked it up a later as I left the faith

Will believers let me live, or kill me with their hate

I had to go ‘cause the nonsense would not stop

And since I made the switch, atheism hit the spot

I won’t stop, till I spread knowledge

Basic information people should’ve picked up in college

Now everything is ok

Status updates and tweets filled with whatever I want to say

Calling out the phonies and I’m testing them

Leave the church, and don’t believe what they sellin’

Start me on the subject and I’m hell

Jehovah’s witness stay far away from my bell

Teaching truth every day like MLK  

I can’t believe, today was a truth day.

 

Drove past the church and saw mindless

They waved hello but I saw through the kindness

Cause just yesterday them fools tried to convert me

Saw the good priest and I could tell he wanna hurt me

No stressin, I didn’t even hear what he was yellin’

No thanks for the blessin’  

Went to my friend’s house, they was watching HBO with Bill Mahr

There’s no question he’s a star

He’ll wake ‘em up, wake ‘em up, wake ‘em up, wake ‘em

Hit e’m with enough religious facts to try and break ‘em

There is no heaven, no freakin’ heaven, no freakin’ heaven

Heaven exists only in the minds of the loco

They create the pastor’s cash flow

Ask him to share, and he’ll probably say hell no

Plus nobody I know got scammed from the asshole

Today was a truth day

 

The pastor leaves the church paid

Picked up a tip, he uses the money to get himself head

It’s ironic, he teaches one thing and does another

I don’t like the ways of Jesus’ brother

He drives through the streets in a Caddy

Prostitutes call him daddy, his life is really crappy

His skeletons go deep

So deep

So deep it turns out he’s a creep

Yet he’s ranked number one

To his congregation, this piece of shit is a freakin’ top gun

His brainwashing abilities have no match

Women think he’s a catch but he’s all about the snatch

I’ll be glad if the truth is revealed

Give the people knowledge till their mind’s healed

I dream of the day when the truth rules

Confiscate the pope’s gold and his huge jewels

No investigators looking for the perverts

When priests see the police they get real nervous

Even saw a minister with an Iphone

Might as well call him the devil’s clone

The pastor’s drunk as hell but not throwing up

Half way through the year and his account is still blowing up

He doesn’t even pay taxes when he gets paid

I got to say it was a truth day.

 

Ice Cube – It Was A Good Day

Just waking up in the morning gotta thank God

I don’t know but today seems kinda odd

No barking from the dog, no smog

And momma cooked a breakfast with no hog

I got my grub on, but didn’t pig out

Finally got a call from a girl wanna dig out

Hooked it up a later as I hit the do’

Thinking will I live, another twenty-fo’

I gotta go cause I got me a drop top

And if I hit the switch, I can make that ass drop

Had to stop at a red light

Looking in my mirror not a jacker in sight

And everything is alright

I got a beep from Kim and she can fuck all night

Called up the homies and I’m askin y’all

Which park, are y’all playin basketball?

Get me on the court and I’m trouble

Last week fucked around and got a triple double

Freaking brothers everyway like M.J.

I can’t believe, today was a good day

 

Drove to the pad and hit the showers

Didn’t even get no static from the cowards

Cause just yesterday them fools tried to blast me

Saw the police and they rolled right past me

No flexin, didn’t even look in a niggaz direction

As I ran the intersection

Went to Short Dog’s house, they was watchin Yo! MTV Raps

What’s the haps on the craps

Shake em up, shake em up, shake em up, shake em

Roll em in a circle of niggaz and watch me break em

With the seven, seven-eleven, seven-eleven

Seven even back do’ lil Joe

I picked up the cash flow

Then we played bones, and I’m yellin’ domino

Plus nobody I know got killed in South Central L.A.

Today was a good day

 

Left my niggaz house paid

Picked up a girl been tryin to fuck since the twelfth grade

It’s ironic, I had the booze she had the chronic

The Lakers beat the Supersonics

I felt on the big fat fanny

Pulled out the jammy, and killed the punanny

And my dick runs deep

so deep

so deep put her ass to sleep

Woke her up around one

She didn’t hesitate, to call Ice Cube the top gun

Drove her to the pad and I’m coasting

Took another sip of the potion hit the three-wheel motion

I was glad everything had worked out

Dropped her ass off, then I chirped out

Today was like one of those fly dreams

Didn’t even see a berry flashing those high beams

No helicopter looking for a murder

Two in the morning got the fat burger

Even saw the lights of the Goodyear Blimp

And it read Ice Cube’s a pimp

Drunk as hell but no throwing up

Half way home and my pager still blowing up

Today I didn’t even have to use my A.K.

I got to say it was a good day.

 

I hope I didn’t offend anyone!

@PeteTeix617