100 Things I Miss About Being Catholic

 *****POST NUMBER 100*****

     Here we are; the one-hundredth post. I didn’t think I’d live to see the day. (Seriously, religious people kill for far less than some of the things I wrote!) In some weird way, I have “god” to thank for the success of this blog. Without his “existence,” there would be no religion to speak of. (Thanks, mighty wizard in the sky!)

At first, I wasn’t sure how to celebrate this milestone, but I placed my faith in the big guy upstairs and the idea eventually came to me. (BIG thanks to the imaginary obese man who lives on my roof and sends down great ideas!)

Before I begin with the list, I want to thank all of the wonderful people who have supported this blog. I would list names, but if I forgot to mention someone, I would never forgive myself. (You know who you are!) The text messages, post comments, Facebook status updates, Twitter tweets, and in-person support has been phenomenal! I look forward to continuing the blog for at least another seven hundred fifty three thousand and forty-six posts. “Why that exact number?” Who knows!

This list will contain some of the aspects of my life as a member of the Catholic Church which I truly miss. I will first start with a few of the things that I missed out on due to my enlightenment! (Catholics may refer to my new lack of spirituality as, “the path to hell!”)

**The Catholic Church promised that reading this list will not cause people to go to Hell. (Cost me a pretty penny to secure that promise!)**

     Here is the list: (If the list is not in alphabetical order, shake your device. *Be sure to shake well*)

1.       I MISSED OUT ON being able to drink myself into a stupor, act like an ass, bang some random slut, then upload a picture of Jesus to Facebook so I can show that I am a good person! (I really wanted to do that!)

2.       I MISSED OUT ON seeing the same girls from the club, showing up in their Sunday’s best. (I hope the tequila after-taste goes well with the “body of Christ!”)

3.       I MISSED OUT ON becoming a fanatical Christian and high-fiving the guys after each mass and yelling, “That was a kickass sermon!”

4.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to get a giant tattoo of a cross on my chest with the bottom shaped like an arrow. There would have been a sign which read, “If you think this cross is big, take a look down there!” (There would be another tattoo on my ankle which said, “Down here; Big feet!”)

5.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to cover the back bumper of my car with great quotes like, “Jesus is my co-pilot” and “Honk if you fuck Catholics!”

6.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to explain the facts to my children when they say, “hold on; this doesn’t make any goddamn sense, DAD! If Adam and Eve were the only two people in the world, and they only had two sons, where the Hell did everyone else come from?” (Sorry kids, Eve banged her sons, I guess!)

7.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to marry my sister. (After all, every female is my sister since we’re all “god’s” children, right?)

8.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to write a letter to my congressman, complaining about a future toy which I will deem inappropriate for my future child. (I wouldn’t have allowed Hasbro to promote their new, “Atheist Arthur” doll!)

9.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to be a parent who forces his children to believe in a magical wizard who allowed his enemies to kill his water-walking son for their sins. (Don’t feel guilty or anything, kids!)

10.   I MISSED OUT ON the new policy of allowing altar girls. (This ain’t your daddy’s Catholic Church!)

11.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to post Tweets containing lyrics from gangster rappers who are always mindful to praise the lord. (Don’t mind the murder lyrics!)

12.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to create a profile on Christianmingle.com (I might still give that one the old college try!)

13.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to follow his highness, the Pope, on Twitter! ()

14.   I MISSED OUT ON telling the younger Catholics about the great superhero, Jesus of Nazareth, who turned water into wine! (I promise to go back, if he can turn water into Johnnie Walker whiskey!)

15.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to hide the fact that I’m using the “lord’s” name in vain by writing “got damn” on social networking sites. (Believers are so tricky!)

16.   I MISSED OUT ON the day when a crazed man attacked a fellow worshipper on the altar! (I really wish I was there to see that!)

17.   I MISSED OUT ON listening to a sermon being preached by a priest who, not only had an IPhone, but banged more chicks from his congregation than any of the guys in the pews. (Am I lying?) I don’t know who the women are, but “god” bless them!

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18.   I MISS being shushed, because I dared utter a word during mass! (I never hear when the director yells quiet on the set!)

19.   I MISS having to wait for Jesus to return; he was taking forever! (It’s almost as if he forgot!)

20.   I MISS being able to say, “I’m probably going to Hell for this,” after one of my many “ungodly” acts!

21.   I MISS being confused about the whole “’god’ be with you” comments when people separate. I thought “god” was everywhere; I didn’t know he actually chose where he would be based on who said what. (I guess I’ll never understand how that whole thing works!)

22.   I MISS looking forward to walking through the valley of the shadow of death, aka the gangster’s paradise. That would have been cool! (I didn’t even know Coolio was a gangster-Christian!)

23.   I MISS the long procession before the Mother’s day mass. (I didn’t know it was the mini Walk-for-hunger!)

24.   I MISS the candle lighting countdown that led to Christmas! (That has to be a fire hazard!)

25.   I MISS being forced to say the entire rosary. (“Don’t worry, the beads won’t take long; we’ll be done in seven hours tops; plus it’s fun!”)

26.   I MISS walking around with a dirty forehead on Ash Wednesday and having to explain to rational people that I am not crazy! (Good times!)

27.   I MISS laughing at the crazy scientists and there stupid “Evolution!” (In the past, I had no idea what those scientists were talking about!)

28.   I MISS praying. “Oh good ‘god;’ good super-duper wonderful merciless merciful ‘god,’ please allow me to win the lottery so I don’t have to work hard anymore.”

29.   I MISS having to wait until someone said, “Grace,” before I was allowed to eat. (Simply eating food without thanking “the lord” leaves me feeling incomplete, yet still full!)

30.   I MISS watching the hungry-hungry-hypocrites look-down upon one another while they were guilty of the same “sins!”

31.   I MISS listening to my fellow worshippers, complain about how long each mass was. (I guess I can understand, “god” forbid, anyone force them to actually have to devote some time to “the almighty,” whom they speak so highly of.)

32.   I MISS not having to work hard and simply asking “god” to give me things. If I didn’t get it, I knew it wasn’t “god’s” will. (Life was much simpler back then!)

33.   I MISS doing unbelievably idiotic things, then saying, “Only ‘god’ can judge me!” (I love that!)

34.   I MISS being able to take holy days off from work. (Sorry boss, its Spiritual Tuesday and the tavern is serving up specials all day; see you tomorrow!)

35.   I MISS sitting in the pew and attempting to become a master at “Extreme Simon Says.” Simon says, “Sit.” Simon says, “Stand.” Simon says, “Kneel.” Sit. Fuck! (You got me this time, you tricky Houdini priest!)

36.   I MISS braiding the palms during mass on Palm Sunday. Each year the design was getting better! (I probably would have been able to create a small scale accurate depiction of Noah’s Ark by now!)

37.   I MISS coming up with excuses for having to leave whenever forced asked to partake in the fun that is the rosary! (The beads were cool, though!)

38.   I MISS listening to ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ by Journey, and thinking about my never-ending belief in “god.” (I feel like I let the band down!)

39.   I MISS watching “god’s” good girls chase Satan’s bad boys! (If only their parents knew!)

40.   I MISS enjoying all of the presents on Christmas morning and completely forgetting about Jesus! (Sorry about that, dude!)

41.   I MISS looking forward to my death and attempting to sneak into Heaven’s backdoor. (You know I had the hook-up!)

42.   I MISS the shame of pre-marital sex! (Thankfully, the girl can carry the shame for the two of us!)

43.   I MISS the fear I had whenever it was time to take the Eucharist; we all know, I was never free from sin. (“Only say the words and I shall be healed.” That always seemed like a set-up to me!)

44.   I MISS being able to blame “god” whenever something went wrong in my life! (No excuses now!)

45.   I MISS giving all praise to “god,” when it was me who did everything on my own! (I guess from now on, I’ll have to take credit for my future success!)

46.   I MISS the pedophile priest jokes from anti-Catholic friends who enjoyed the scandals more than the priests enjoyed the boys. (We can talk about that freely, right?)

47.   I MISS hearing the priest say, “Fodemos irmaos,” then hearing the faithful reply, “Ovinu sinhor!” (I’m not sure I got that right, it’s been a while since I attended!)

48.   I MISS the Fanduka Fest. That is the name we gave to the Church’s annual Mother’s Day festival; it was named in honor of one of the nuns! (Church girls are hot; the laity, not the nuns!)

49.   I MISS being told I am going to Hell. Who am I kidding; the Catholics still remind me of their continued wishful thinking! (Thanks, believers!)

50.   I MISS feeling comfortable inside of a church. My last visit was in June for a family wedding and there was a definite sense of uneasiness. (You might call it, LOGIC!)

51.   I MISS being afraid of Exorcism. (Just kidding; those movies still scare the crap out of me!)

52.   I MISS lying to the priest during confession. “I only said a bad word, and I didn’t listen to my mother, one time!” (He bought it hook, line, and sinker!)

53.   I MISS “donating” money to the Church. (Really, are two collections during mass, necessary?)

54.   I MISS the great hymns. (I have a wonderful singing voice, if I do say so myself!)

55.   I MISS saying, “You’re going to Hell!” (And meaning it!)

56.   I MISS the wonderful flavor-challenged snack that the priest handed out during mass. (Sunday morning breakfast hasn’t been the same!)

57.   I MISS fearing that the Pope would excommunicate me from the church! (Now, I look forward to that occasion!)

58.   I MISS being accepted by the masses. (It’s so lonely out here in reality world!)

59.   I MISS the good old days, when Mary Magdalene was a whore. (Damn you, Dan Brown!)

60.   I MISS having my brain washed every Sunday; it’s so dirty now! I hope someone will be able to get me some of that wonderful shampoo. (I think it was called “holy water!”)

61.   I MISS being forced to wear a dress robe while helping mass. (Cross-dressing is not my thing!)

62.   I MISS blaming the Jews for killing Jesus! (How the Romans escaped blame, is amazing to me!)

63.   I MISS having no rational explanation for the religion, and answering people who questioned my undying loyalty with the old staple, “It’s a faith thing; you wouldn’t understand!”

64.   I MISS being forced to attend mass! (Those Sunday morning beatings sucked!)

65.   I MISS getting destroyed on Christmas Eve, then showing up to mass to catch the let-out! I can’t forget the time when my friend threw up on one of the bushes. (Talk about a burning bush!)

66.   I MISS being chosen as one of the Altar All Stars, who were selected to serve mass during special occasions! (Please pick me; I’m good!)

67.   I MISS arguing about sports on the back steps of the church and being told to keep it down by one of the adult males who hung-out in the back! (Leave us alone!)

68.   I MISS arriving to the Church just for the let-out. (Better than any club I ever went to!)

69.   I MISS arriving five minutes before the conclusion of mass and sneaking to my seat! (“Yes, the talk about Jesus being good was awesome; I loved today’s magic trick!”)

70.   I MISS the squeaky door at the back of the church, which had to be opened carefully to avoid announcing my late arrival! (What are you people looking at; I’m trying my best, goddamnit?)

71.   I MISS knowing that Jesus loved me, simply because the bible told me so. (Great song!)

72.   I MISS saying, “My ‘god’ is better than your ‘god’.” (I always won!)

73.   I MISS fearing “god.” He was always firm, but fair! (Great guy!)

74.   I MISS feeling guilty about lying after swearing to “god” when appealing a traffic violation! (Good morning, your honor; black is becoming on you!)

75.   I MISS being able to use the Church as an excuse for my “abstinence.” (by choice, of course!)

76.   I MISS being manipulated into doing bad deeds by the devil; that guy was nothing but trouble! (Who do I blame now?)

77.   I MISS saying really hurtful things about people, but thinking it was alright because I prefaced each statement with, “’god’ forgive me.” (I love when others do that!)

78.   I MISS the period in my youth when I was confused and I started to treat women like shit because I truly believed that “All dogs go to heaven.” (That’s all you’re getting from this pimpin’!)

79.   I MISS the period when I realized the true meaning of the phrase and roamed the streets, running into starving stray-dogs; I would rub them under the chin and say, “Don’t worry little fella. Things will get better; all dogs go to heaven!” (No, don’t worry; God doesn’t like Vick!)

80.   I MISS being afraid of the devil! (Satan was a worthy adversary, but “god” always kicked his ass!)

81.   I MISS being able to hate people who were different. (Things will never be the same!)

82.   I MISS being shocked and appalled when I heard someone mention that they were an atheist! (The good old days!)

83.   I MISS forgetting that I wasn’t supposed to eat meat on Friday’s during lent. (Oops! Was that today?)

84.   I MISS giving up Catholicism for 40 days during lent! (Religion was the one thing that I truly loved the most!)

85.   I MISS hating South Park because of the way the writers portrayed Jesus. (I wanted to laugh out loud, but I felt guilty so I laughed inside!)

86.   I MISS being able to say, “’god’ bless you.” (“Gesundheit,” is so difficult to pronounce properly!)

87.   I MISS hot chicks sitting on my lap in the small crowded Confraternity of Christian Doctrine classrooms, in the nun’s house. (I especially miss thinking to myself, “Please don’t get hard please don’t get hard!”)

88.   I MISS watching a childhood friend get expelled from Catholic school because he had the audacity to carry a condom in his book bag. (Thank “god” he wasn’t lynched!)

89.   I MISS being banned from using condoms because his royal majesty, the Pope, doesn’t allow the practice! (Hello AIDS!)

90.   I MISS being forced to be against abortions! (Now, I can kill at will!)

91.   I MISS having a brother and a dad, who were the same person, invisible, and a ghost, at the same time. (I was so confused!)

92.   I MISS the ability to drink myself into a coma, only to wake up with a monstrous hang-over which caused me to promise “god” that I would never drink again! (Stay thirsty my friends!)

93.   I MISS being forced into cannibalism. Why they wanted me to eat my “brother,” Jesus, I have no clue! (Hmm, this meet is mighty tender!)

94.   I MISS being forced to “volunteer” at church events by my god-fearing parents and relatives. (Thanks again guys; college football is the devil’s work, anyways!)

95.   I MISS watching the guilt and shame that appeared on the faces of the unwed-teen moms and their parents as they walked down the aisle before mass. (Talk about your “walk-of-shame!”)

96.   I MISS the closet gay guys who preached to the boys about brotherly love. Sorry buddy, this isn’t Philadelphia; take that shit somewhere else! (That situation is destined to end badly!)

97.   I MISS being hypnotized by the sweet symphonic chimes, coming from the bells held by the synchronized altar boys. (Those guys should start a band!)

98.   I MISS praying to “god,” wishing that he would help my team win the big game, and then cursing his good name when they fell short! (I will never forgive you for the 49ers Super Bowl win against the Broncos!)

99.   I MISS feeling guilty every time I said the word “FUCK.” (It’s just a word people!)

100.   I MISS being loved by “god!” *TEAR ROLLS DOWN CHEEK*

Thanks again, “Big Guy!”

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     I know this was a long post, but constructing a list of twenty five, or fifty didn’t seem appropriate! (I hope this was both, un-offensive and enjoyable!)

For those of you, who don’t have a blog on wordpress.com, I’ll share one of the little pleasures of the site. Once a post is completed and published, the number of the entry is revealed and the site always adds a congratulatory word of encouragement. Yesterday’s post was “Super!” (For today’s word, I’ll have to post then comeback and edit.)

The word for my one-hundredth post is: Fabulous (Thanks guys! I agree; it truly is Fabulous!)

@PeteTeix617