Bagging Up – Episode 3

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Int. Apartment rented by woman 1.

Simon is passed out in the bed but Woman 1 is wide awake. Simon’s phone continues to ring incessantly. She finally becomes fed up and decides to wake the drunk by rolling him off the bed. (I have no idea what the bedroom of a random bar slut looks like so please forgive me for the lack of description. I am assuming there is some sort of stand with an assortment of condoms somewhere within reach of the bed!)

SIMON

What the hell is wrong with you?

WOMAN 1

It’s annoying when someone interrupts your sleep, right?

SIMON

If you’re a psycho, please just let me leave unharmed.

WOMAN 1

I don’t know who Leslie is but she seems to need to talk to you; your phone hasn’t stopped ringing for the last ten minutes.

SIMON

Damn, why the hell is my phone on?

WOMAN 1

Because you just had to call Phil and let him know that he was super duper gay. As you so eloquently put it, “Ice Cube thinks you’re GAY-YAY-EEE!” You repeated it until he finally hung up on you!

SIMON

Ok, I have to make this call. (He motions for the woman to keep quiet.) SHH!

Simon picks up his phone and reviews the call-log.

SIMON

Jesus! She called twenty three times.

He dials the number.

LESLIE

Why the hell aren’t you opening the door?

SIMON

Hello and good morning to you too!

LESLIE

I’m not playing with you Simon; I’m tired of you being irresponsible. Let me in.

SIMON

Here we go. I’m not home.

LESLIE

What do you mean you’re not home? Where the hell are you?

SIMON

I was too drunk to drive last night so I crashed at Judas’.

There is no response. Simon is worried by the long silence.

SIMON

Hello?

LESLIE

I’m here; I just don’t know what to say. I guess I’ll just be here waiting for you to show up; we definitely need to have a long talk.

SIMON

You don’t have to wait. What time is it; don’t you have to go to work? We can talk later.

LESLIE

No, I didn’t wake up on time because I spent my night waiting for you and worrying that something happened.

SIMON

Sorry, I didn’t plan on drinking so much; I’ll be there soon.

She hangs up without replying.

SIMON

Damn, I don’t even get a goodbye?

WOMAN 1

Was that your girl?

SIMON

Yeah; hold on.

Simon makes another call.

JUDAS

Yo!

SIMON

Hey, if Leslie calls you, tell her that I was too drunk and slept over there. Tell her I just left and I am on my way home.

JUDAS

Where are you; what happened with that chick from yesterday?

SIMON

What do you think. I’m in Needham; she’s gonna be pissed when I get there. This might be the last straw.

JUDAS

That’s great! FREEDOM!

SIMON

Just cover for me if she calls, jackass.

Simon hangs up.

WOMAN 1

Some girlfriends are psycho. All she had to do is call once and leave a message.

SIMON

Yeah, she’s crazy; I gotta go. Thanks for keeping quiet.

WOMAN 1

No problem. Give me a call whenever. And don’t worry, I’ll keep this between us.

SIMON

Thanks! I’ll call you when I get a chance. I’m glad you understand how things are, some woman don’t understand how to let a man relax.

WOMAN 1

I just go with the flow. A lot of people like to talk trash about how I live, but I just do me. If you don’t know me; don’t judge me.

SIMON

Yeah, people are crazy. I guess I’ll be going now. You’re the best. Till next time.

WOMAN 1

Bye.

Simon closes the door and thinks to himself. “What a slut!” He leaves the complex in a hurry and speeds to Boston.

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

Judas is in bed waiting for Woman 2 to bring him breakfast in bed. His phone rings.

JUDAS

Hello.

GYM RECEPTIONIST

Hey, it’s Candice; Your ten o’clock is here. Where are you?

JUDAS

FUCK! Ah, tell her I have a family emergency or something. There is no way I can go in right now. In fact cancel all of my appointments for the day.

CANDICE

When do you want me to reschedule each one?

JUDAS

You can move Ms. Carter to tomorrow morning.

His phone beeps.

JUDAS

Hold on Candice, I have someone on the other line.

CANDICE

Ok.

JUDAS

Hello?

LESLIE

Let me talk to Simon.

JUDAS

Sure, just hold on one second. Doo doo doo doo. doo doo doo. Hello.

LESLIE

Yeah, put him on the phone.

JUDAS

I’m sorry, but Simon has instructed me that he does not want to talk to any psychos this morning.

LESLIE

Stop being a jackass and give him the phone.

JUDAS

Let me check again. One Mississippi…sorry, he is incapacitated right now. It appears that the whore who he brought over last night took all of his energy; he is stuck in the bed and my phone cord won’t reach him.

LESLIE

I called your cell asshole; do you always have to be a child?

JUDAS

Why are you such a psycho?

LESLIE

You’re too little to understand; when you grow up I’ll explain what a relationship is.

JUDAS

Oh shit, hold on Psycho Les, I have someone on the other line

He clicks over.

JUDAS

Sorry Candice, I am dealing with a psycho. I’ll call you right back.

She laughs.

CANDICE

Ok, Bye!

Judas clicks back over.

JUDAS

Hey, you still crazy?

LESLIE

Let me talk to Simon.

JUDAS

You see Leslie, let me give you some advice. Simon is a good guy, and I like you; you’re a good chick in a I’ll stalk you, psycho, kind of way. If you call Simon’s cell phone, he will tell you that he is not here; he’s on his way home. Why are you calling me and not him? Oh that’s right. You already called him and you don’t trust him because you are a certified psycho.

LESLIE

Bye!

JUDAS

Hello? Oh well.

He hangs up and yells to the kitchen.

JUDAS

Ma, MEATLOAF. WHAT THE FUCK!

Woman 2 laughs.

WOMAN 2

I’m almost done, Will Farrell.

INT. SIMON’S APARTMENT.

Leslie is even more pissed because Simon took longer than expected. He covered up by saying that he had to drop off Philip who was too hung over to drive. He called Philip during the ride home to cover his story.

LESLIE

I just don’t believe your story. All of a sudden you have to drop-off Phil? You’re lying!

SIMON

See. This is why I don’t tell you anything, because you always accuse me of lying. What’s the point of asking me a question if you’re not going to believe anything I say. You never trust me. Don’t you think it’s embarrassing having you call my friends to check up on me?

LESLIE

I wouldn’t have to call if you stopped playing games.

SIMON

What games. My friend is in jail and I take one night to deal with the shock and you think I’m cheating; this is crazy. Do you think I planned for James to get arrested?

LESLIE

It’s not about James. Could have called.

SIMON

I forgot. It was a mistake; I’m sorry that you are perfect and never make any mistakes, but I am not perfect. I went to a bar because of James. Why can’t you be supportive instead of being suspicious?

LESLIE

Because you lie all the time.

SIMON

Oh my fucking god. I go hang out with friends and you think I’m out bagging some slut and going to her house to bang her; do you understand how ridiculous that sounds. When something tragic happens, people get drunk and forget to call. You’re starting to act like Michelle.

Simon stands up from the couch and walks towards the door with his head in his hands.

SIMON

I never question you about anything. I trust you but you can’t trust me. Maybe we’re just not right for each other. I can’t be in a relationship with someone who is trying to control my every movement.

His words hit home and Leslie pauses before speaking.

LESLIE

I’m not trying to control you. You’re always putting your friends ahead of me. Maybe you’re right about us.

Simon realizes that his ploy isn’t working. It seems as if Leslie won’t put up with his shenanigans anymore.

SIMON

We’re all going to Arizona to visit James, maybe after some time to think, we can discuss our future.

Leslie thinks carefully before answering.

LESLIE

This relationship is more important to me than you visiting your idiot friend who got arrested for being a perv. You can go to Arizona if you want, but I won’t be here when you come back. You can support your friend or work on us.

She stands up and walks to the door.

LESLIE

Let me know what you decide.

The door closes before Simon can respond.

INT. JUDAS’ APARTMENT

The guys meet up before the trip to Arizona.

JUDAS

So, what ended up happening with Leslie.

Philip

Yeah, did she finally leave your cheating ass!

SIMON

She’s pissed. I tried to flip it on her and make it seem like she was the one who is wrong, but she wasn’t going for it. If I want to stay with her, I can’t go to Arizona.

BARTHOLOMEW

What? What happened?

SIMON

She called this morning and I was still at the chicks house all the way in Needham. I think she wanted to break up, but I’ll make up for it this weekend.

BARTHOLOMEW

So, you’re not going to see James?

SIMON

Na, I’d rather fix this the easy way than have to come back and work hard to get her to forgive me.

JUDAS

Was that chick pissed that you had to leave in a hurry?

SIMON

No way. She was the perfect slut. She actually was on my side.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

Yo, why does every slut say the same thing? “I’m just doing me and no one can judge me!” Are these chicks insane?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I hear that all the time.

SIMON

I met the chick and smashed it a few hours later, then she listened quietly as I lied to my girl.

BARTHOLOMEW

Sounds like a typical ho to me.

PHILIP

Do you hear yourselves? You guys are sluts too!

SIMON

Yeah, but we admit it. Judge me all you want, I gets it in!

BARTHOLOMEW

Exactly. These chicks always talking about a double standard. If you do what I do, you’re a fucking slut like me; shut the fuck up with that double standard nonsense!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Sometimes, these chicks talk about us being dogs, but they are out here breaking their own hearts. I’m not going to feel bad because I have my shit together and I know what I want. Yes, one day I may want to settle down, but not today!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

What do you mean they break their own hearts?

BARTHOLOMEW

I met this chick once. I told her that it was not a relationship and all about having fun. She agreed, then started getting pissed that I wasn’t treating her right. I felt bad at first but then I became angry because I felt she was out of line for breaking our agreement. Yes, there might be a slight chance for something to develop, but most likely not. I understand that sex is special to some people, but I can just bang and keep it moving. Those who can’t handle such situations should not get involved with people like me. That chick ended up breaking her own heart!

PHILIP

Yeah that makes sense, but Simon turned his chick into a psycho with all his cheating.

SIMON

It’s all good. Things will be back to normal by Monday.

JUDAS

By the way, I would like to take the time to thank Phil for fumbling the rock Wednesday night; that chick was a freak.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah?

JUDAS

Hell yeah! She even cooked me breakfast in the morning. She is definitely on the team for the foreseeable future.

PHILIP

She wasn’t my type.

The door bell rings.

BARTHOLOMEW

Thank god. I can’t take another lesson in hot chicks who aren’t Phil’s type!

The guys laugh and Judas buzzes the door open.

SIMON

I’ll be in the bedroom; I have to call Leslie so we can make some pans for our weekend of “fun!”

JUDAS

Damn, you’re starting to sound like Matt. We’ll tell all the hos in Tucson that you were too busy to enjoy their hospitality, if you know what I mean!

SIMON

Tell them I’ll be down there on the next trip.

Simon enters the bedroom and Matthias walks into the room.

BARTHOLOMEW

He escaped. Maybe you should go down and teach James how to sneak out of jail!

Everyone laughs except for Matthias. Simon pokes his head out of the bedroom.

SIMON

GOOD ONE! What’s up Matt.

Matthias nods his head and Simon shuts the door.

MATTHIAS

Same old corny jokes.

JUDAS

What are you doing here; I thought you couldn’t go?

MATTHIAS

I can’t; I just wanted to swing by and see what the plans were.

JUDAS

We’re still working on the plans. We can’t figure out how to get you to start wearing the pants in your marriage!

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

SO, everyone is going?

PHILIP

Simon can’t go either; Leslie is pissed cause he ditched her for some slut at the bar.

MATTHIAS

That guy will never learn.

JUDAS

I hope not; we don’t need another whipped guy in this crew.

MATTHIAS

Being married has nothing to do with being whipped.

JUDAS

I don’t know how you and Simon put up with all the relationship bullshit. How do you find these crazy women.

BARTHOLOMEW

They didn’t find them. The cheating creates the psychos.

MATTHIAS

I don’t cheat.

JUDAS

Not anymore. Michelle will never forget all the late night “study sessions” while you were in law school.

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

I’m not getting into all that. I just wanted to wish you guys luck, I have to head back to the office for a meeting. let me know if Matt needs any help.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re a lawyer, why don’t you go down there and yell “OBJECTION” or something?

MATTHIAS

I do patent law; not criminal, jackass!

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Ok, I’m outta here!

He exits. A few minutes later, Simon returns from the bedroom.

JUDAS

Did she tell you to jump off a bridge?

SIMON

Nope, we’re going up to Maine for the weekend; I’ll be back in her good graces by tomorrow afternoon.

JUDAS

This is the third time that Leslie is keeping you from a trip; you have to control the relationship. You’re on the path to being whipped like Matt.

SIMON

Hell no! I’ll never be like that.

JUDAS

I don’t know man, three major offenses, not to mention the thousands of small offenses. Bad news buddy, it’s three and out. It’s fourth down; time to punt that bitch!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I’ll think about it. I gotta go; tell James to keep it tight!

He leaves and the guys laugh.

INT. PIMA COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT.

The flight was delayed and the guys arrived a few minutes before the end of visiting hours. They are seated at a table with James.

JAMES

Thanks for showing up on time. What was the point of coming if you weren’t going to get here during visiting hours?

JUDAS

“Thanks for taking time to fly down to Tucson to visit me; you guys are great friends.” Don’t mention it.

BARTHOLOMEW

It wasn’t our fault. I think someone had a bottle of shampoo in their carry-on or something. You know how careful we have to be these days.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

Don’t worry, we decided to stay for the weekend and return on Monday. What happened?

JAMES

I’ll give you guys all the details on Monday, We only have like five minutes. What happened to Simon and Matt?

BARTHOLOMEW

The bosses said they couldn’t come.

JAMES

I wish I had a boss to tell me not to come; this shit is the worst!

JUDAS

What’s good, you been getting ass in here?

JAMES

Fuck you!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

For real though, is it scary in there?

JAMES

Na, it’s not too bad; you just have to be careful. I hear the prison is pretty serious cause it’s all about gangs. I met some guys from the Bloods so I guess I have to become a member to keep safe.

JUDAS

Are you going to kill someone to become a member or are you going to get sexed-in?

JAMES

You’re an asshole; thanks for being serious in this difficult time of my life.

JUDAS

No problem; that’s what friends are for. I gave the guard a bag with condoms and lube, so you should be good for a while.

JAMES

Thanks. On the real though, I will need one of you to keep my commissary stacked; the money is in my stash. All you would have to do is keep sending me some whenever I call.

PHILIP

Yeah, that’s not a problem. I’ll take care of it.

The guard motions for them to wrap it up.

BARTHOLOMEW

Do you want to hear a joke before we leave?

JAMES

Sure, whatchu got?

BARTHOLOMEW

Knock knock.

JAMES

Who’s there?

BARTHOLOMEW

Who.

JAMES

Who who?

BARTHOLOMEW

WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

JAMES

What’s that supposed to be; the horn signaling time is up?

BARTHOLOMEW

No! It’s how your farts will sound from now on with all the gay sex you are about to have!

The guys all laugh.

JAMES

You’re an idiot. I’ll see you guys on Monday!

James is escorted by the guards and the guys leave.

                                           [It’s A Wrap!]

@peteTeix617

Episode 4