This Actually Happened – October 15th, 2011

Road To Becoming A Serial Killer

If you were expecting to read about a glutinous man who devours an astounding amount of breakfast cereal, you will be sadly disappointed. This is my realization that I am probably on a path to becoming a notorious serial killer. Most people believe serial killers are crazy men who were born to kill, but I think serial killers are regular people who pick up the necessary traits. As I take an inventory of my life I am starting to notice a disturbing trend; I am almost there! (Yikes!) What are the steps to becoming a serial killer? It’s pretty straight forward. Step one: have some basic knowledge of previous serial killers and their work. (Check!) Step two: Be disciplined and organized. (Check!) Step three: have the ability to easily generate hatred for those who do idiotic things. (Check!) Step four: Have a belief that some people simply deserve to die. (Check!) Step five: Be great with your hands. (Check!) Step six: Have absolutely zero fear of “god.” (Check plus!) Step seven: have experience cutting-u p and disposing of a large mammal. (Thanks to what happened yesterday, Check!) I’m not sure what the other steps are because I have yet to reach them. I hope someone with a magical book, which teaches people how to live properly, will reach me in time. (No pastor pimp, not that book of fairytales!) Let me explain step number seven since I have only recently reached the level. My father ordered a goat before leaving on his vacation. When it was delivered I was perplexed. “Who the hell is going to cut that thing up?” I thought. Unbeknownst to me, I was the unlucky lucky individual; I became the designated butcher. Don’t get the wrong Idea, I have experience with the cleaver, but I had yet to cut-up a full animal. I love challenges so I gladly stepped into the walk-in fridge and gave it a go. Surprisingly, chopping up flesh and bone is a lot easier than I thought. Below I will post a picture of the goat, just after I decapitated its head with saw. (That’s right; I cut this bastard up by hand!) ***IS IT ME, OR DO DEAD GOATS LOOK LIKE DINOSAURS!*** Step seven is optional because we all know some of the lazier serial killers will find a way to either bury or hide their victims. Not me, I’m going to chop that baby up nice and good; I’ll probably end up sending a bag of frozen grade A human meat to the deceased’s next of kin. The media will probably end up calling me the Deli Devil; I think I’d like that! (I seriously hope some future loser serial killer doesn’t read this and steal my idea; I would hate to be a suspect in an investigation!) I am not a killer, yet, but I am an accessory to murder; that poor goat never had a chance. I honestly think this post is not admissible in court! BELIEVE IT OR NOT!

The Gators are still in the hunt for the SEC Championship game! Let’s tame those Tiger’s and take down Auburn!

GO GATORS!!!

Speaking of the Gators, is everyone ready for next Sunday’s game between the Broncos and the Dolphins?

IT’S TEBOW TIME!!!!

Be sure to check back tomorrow for a preview of next week’s posts!

****REMEMBER TO TREAD CAREFULLY AND KEEP ON MY GOOD SIDE!****

@PeteTeix617