The Unwritten Laws of Society

I received an e-mail from my good friend @Imjust2nasty. It contained a link to an interesting video. New York Magazine’s Vulture blog writer, Samantha Zalaznick created a 2-minute video of clips from Curb Your Enthusiasm in which Larry David gives his unwritten rules of society. For those of you who have no sense of humor, Larry David was the co-creator of the greatest sitcom in history, Seinfeld, and is the star of HBOs hit series, Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Don’t argue about Seinfeld!)

Big THANKS to Mr. Barros for providing this video for me to discuss. If you die before me, I’ll be sure to write about you in order to let the citizens of the world get to know you better! I would even create a movie about your life! By the way, great acting job in the movie Street Life! (For those of you who need enlightenment in your life; follow the guy on Twitter: @Imjust2nasty!)

     Here are the rules which were included in the video:

L1 – “You’re way outside the line. You’re taking up two spaces.” No parking outside the lines. You are allotted one space. Taking up two is not allowed. I agree with Larry on this rule; if someone parks in two spaces and he or she returns to find their car keyed, the offender is justified.

L2 – “You have a line problem in this store; the lines move completely disproportionately.” I believe it is the responsibility of every business to create a first come first served policy. If you have multiple checkouts, you should create a single filed line which snakes around for people to be called to the next available cashier.

L3 – “One sample, two samples the most.” Larry was referring to an ice cream place, but I think this applies to any eatery which allows free samples. Food is a crap shoot. You look over the menu and pick something which looks good; if the food isn’t to your satisfaction, tough cookies. The free sample is a cheat code, if you will; you cannot hold up the line by trying more than two items. Otherwise, you are abusing your privileges and creating a line problem.

L4 – “If you’re gonna have a dog, you have to have a bag. Dog without the bag—it’s incomplete.” I think this one speaks for itself. Dog owners who don’t carry bags should be fined by the police. There is no reason why any person should have to be on guard when walking along the sidewalk; be responsible and clean that shit up!

L5 – “You’re in the doctor’s office, don’t chit chat. Don’t ask him how his day was.” When you are at an appointment, ask the necessary questions and move it along. People are waiting!

L6 – “You can’t have it half way; you’re either anonymous or you’re not.” This is more of an obvious remark than a written rule.

L7 – “I invited you, c’mon; it’s the inviter who picks up the check.” This is true, but I feel a man should always pick up the check on a date; unless the woman is taking him out for a special occasion. (Women should always thank the man with sex!)

L8 – “Cheek to cheek contact for men is unacceptable!” I know there are other cultures in the world which allow for this unsightly behavior, but where I grew up, this custom is frowned upon!

L9 – “We can’t go up against each other it’s the code; it’s the bald code.” I guess you have to be bald to understand this one, but it does make sense for all bald men to protect one another!

L10 – “Jews don’t convert.” I agree; there should be no converting. Every religious person should become an atheist!

L11 – “You go out with a friend, you tip in concert.” I believe when friends go out, the bill should be split fifty-fifty and the tip should be included in the equation. (Remember to tip generously. Don’t be one of those assholes!)

L12 – “Bad news has to be delivered in a casual way like, it’s not bad news.” I think this rule only applies to the people who you care about. Bad news to someone you dislike, should be delivered in an upbeat manner! Bad news to a stranger should be delivered apathetically; don’t pretend to care when you don’t!

L13 – “You can’t drink the wine without the prayer.” Larry replies, “Oh really, watch this.” He proceeds to pick up the glass and swig to his heart’s content. I don’t pray so I say, drink up!

L14 – “I don’t subscribe to the wait for dessert rule before you can leave a party.” I don’t subscribe to that rule either, Larry; leave whenever you feel the party is no longer an enjoyable event. It is the responsibility of the host to throw a party which keeps asses in the seats, or better yet, on the dance floor!

L15 – “I don’t like to have hot food for lunch.” I don’t mind hot food for lunch. This one seems more like a preference than an unwritten rule.

L16 – “I don’t like the happy birthday song.” I don’t think anyone enjoys the happy birthday song, but at the end of the day, everyone would be sad if friends and family don’t sing it!

L17 – “I don’t like people trying my glasses on.” I have perfect vision but I can understand this rule. If you want to try on glasses, go to the ophthalmologist office. It’s not like the person would ever let you borrow their spectacles.

L18 – “I don’t believe that people should go into my refrigerator.” I don’t care if people open my fridge. We have a help yourself policy. In our apartment you will always hear someone ask, “do you want another beer?” More often than not, the answer will be affirmative, and you will hear, “great; grab me one too!”

L19 – “I don’t approve of the blowjob in the car.” In a way, I agree with Larry on this one. There are better places to receive a blowjob. The car BJ should only be reserved for two people who live with their parents. (Even in that instance, I’m sure sneaking into one of the homes wouldn’t be mission impossible!) Only Prostitutes should be giving out car blow jobs!

L20 – “It’s a little early for burying; I don’t like to bury before coffee.” I don’t like burying anytime! I am not a coffee drinker, but I guess there are people who need that daily cup of Joe! (Doesn’t sound like anything I would ever enjoy!)

L21 – “You tip toe so you don’t wake people up.” I disagree with Larry. Light-sleepers can kiss my ass! I’ll stomp around whenever I please!

L22 – “She went over the appropriate amount of time that I can have human contact without getting aroused.” I am not sure what the exact amount of time is, but I’m sure one exists! Keep the human contact brief if you are not sleeping with someone!

L23 – “It’s not one, two, three, four, five; where’s your Mississippi? You have to put Mississippi in there; that’s how you count.” Everyone already knows this rule!

L24 – “It’s a pointless and unnecessary social convention to introduce every single person you know.” I always forget to introduce people so I am all about this rule!

L25 – “If I’m talking to somebody and they say, ‘you know my friend has cancer.’ I go oh oh oh, you know—even though I don’t know the person.” Every adult should know how to react to these types of situations!

Thanks to Larry David, living in society will be easier for all of us!

     In the tradition of Babylonian Hammurabi and his law code, Spartan Law giver Lycurgus, Byzantine Emperor Justinian’s Codex Justinianus, and Larry David, I will give my laws. Like Larry David, my laws will be what I consider to be common sense; unlike David, my laws will be written.

How to live:

P1 – The person who lives in the house should handle the remote. I am not talking about control over the channel being watched, I am talking about actually touching the remote. (Do you ever wonder what people touch before they touch the control?)

P2 – The fast lane is for people who drive fast! (Get the hell out of my way!)

P3 – You don’t complain about people being in your business, if you write about your business on social media websites! (Are you kidding me?)

P4 – Walking around with your cell phone blasting some obnoxious song will no longer be tolerated. (These people will forfeit the use of their devices!)

P5 – Under no circumstances will anyone be permitted to taste a spoonful of questionable milk in order to see if it is spoiled. (Stop being cheap and throw it out if you are unsure!)

P6 – People are permitted to dress their pets in whatever fashion they see fit! (Observers are permitted to make whatever comments they see fit!)

P7 – A man does not wear his pants low enough for others to see his underwear. (If one does so, we can all kick him in the ass!)

P8 – If you are dating one person, but find their friend to be a better fit, make the switch; why would a friend stand in the way of your happiness! This is logical, but your friends may be emotional and irrational people; tread carefully my friends! (This one is tricky!)

P9 – Women who walk around with their breasts hanging out must allow any man with a dollar to place it in her cleavage. (Why else would they be visible to the public?)

P10 – If you can’t parallel park into a space before the driver behind you becomes annoyed, you must relinquish the spot! (One beep of the horn and you’re done!)

P11 – If you are being helped and the line behind you is full, speed up the process by stopping the chit chat and quitting with your dumbass questions. (This applies to every situation!)

P12 – If you work in the service industry and you hate your life; stay home. (Customers shouldn’t have to suffer because you suck at living!)

P13 – Having a drinking problem is your own business. If you want to ruin your life by hitting the bottle, do so. (Just do it on your own dime. If you drink more alcohol than you buy, you are a scumbag!)

P14 – You never ever ever ever ever mix anything with Johnnie Walker Black or higher! (Mix the Red all you want!)

P15 – Women should wash their faces thoroughly after performing felatio on a man; you can’t just walk around kissing people on the cheek with semen residue on your face. (I reserve the right to decline the cheek to cheek hello with anyone who I deem to be “dirty!”)

P16 – You don’t tell someone, “I’ll call you right back,” as a replacement for “good-bye!” (Understand what words mean!)

P17 – If you are a whore, don’t be surprised when the information is passed along to your children. (Kids always find out the truth!)

P18 – A favor is not a requirement. If someone declines to do a favor for you, you cannot get angry. (Stop depending on others and provide for yourself; working hard will not kill you!)

P19 – No one else is responsible for another adult. If you fall on hard times and someone else would rather take a trip to Vegas than help you out of your situation, tough! (Be mad at yourself for living outside of your means!)

P20 – If you borrow money from someone, you cannot get angry when they demand repayment. (Lenders are not annoying; borrowers are. PAY THE MONEY BACK, you piece of shit!)

P21 – If you ask for someone’s honest opinion, don’t be mad once they give it. (If you can’t handle the truth, stop asking for opinions!)

P22 – If you find something to be entertaining but your church forbids you from enjoying yourself; there is nothing wrong with you, there is something wrong with your church! (Free yourself!)

P 23 – If you do something nice for someone, they are required to say thank you. If no thank you is given, you are free to take back your generosity. (If the act is irreversible, you are justified when giving them a piece of your mind; cussing is encouraged!)

P24 – You don’t Retweet a comment with a spelling or egregious grammatical error. (If you do, you are accepting the error as your own!)

P25 – You don’t make your tweets private on twitter. If you say something which others like, they should be able to Retweet it. Privacy is what e-mails, dm, texts messages are for! (If you want your tweets to be private, I suggest you go to Google plus and send your comments to your private circle!)

<BONUS> – ****Under no circumstances do you ever park in front of someone else’s driveway. (Please read the entry from August 12^th titled ‘No Parking!’)****

There are billions of laws, but these will do for now!

****Please feel free to add your own laws in the comments section!****

     This next question doesn’t really have anything to do with the topic. I’ve always wanted to ask my Twitter followers, but the character limit makes wording the question difficult. If you have a mother who attended college and lived in the dorms, do you ever wonder if she was the campus slut? (Deductive reasoning can only conclude that there is a strong possibility she was; those chicks have to be someone’s mom!)

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Enjoy your day!

@PeteTeix617