Bagging Up – Episode 4

Episode 1  Episode 2  Episode 3

INT. MORNING. HOTEL ROOM – TUCSON, ARIZONA

The guys agree to share a large three-bedroom suite, in case someone got lucky. They wake after a long night of jet-lag recovery.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey Phil, order some breakfast; get everything!

PHILIP

Why don’t you order it?

JUDAS

Because you’re the one who is still on punishment for fumbling the rock at the bar.

PHILIP

Again, I didn’t fumble; she wasn’t my type.

BARTHOLOMEW

Never mind; I’ll order.

JUDAS

It’s cool; I got it. Anything but another Phil-planation!

PHILIP

Phil-planation?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, that’s what we call your bullshit excuses!

PHILIP

I don’t have to explain myself to a couple of human Petri dishes. You guys see more STDs than a neighborhood clinic!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

Phil, you’re last to shower.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell yeah!

PHILIP

Why is that?

JUDAS

Because you no-ass getting dudes always jerk-off in the shower!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That’s fine. I need to go to the drugstore to pick up some Ajax; there is no way I’m taking a shower after the two of you without giving the bathroom a good scrubbing.

They all laugh. The guys shower and there is a knock at the door. Bartholomew, who is standing closest, holds the door open for the bellhop. The guys tip him before digging in!

BARTHOLOMEW

Not bad!

JUDAS

I’ve had better!

Philip’s phone rings.

PHILIP

Who the hell is this?

JUDAS

Probably some dude you bagged!

Bartholomew and Judas laugh.

PHILIP

Hello?

SIMON

Don’t get excited, I’m not the guy you were expecting.

PHILIP

Where are you? What’s with the weird number?

SIMON

I’m in the middle of nowhere. Leslie picked a bed and breakfast in Maine, I don’t even have WiFi.

PHILIP

No cell phone connection?

SIMON

She “suggested” that I leave my phone at home so we can spend time together with no distractions; I’ve been going crazy. The place doesn’t even have televisions; no football for me this weekend.

PHILIP

Who cares; Michigan sucks anyway! What is this, your one phone call?

Simon laughs.

SIMON

Na, I told her I was going for a walk; this is a prepaid phone I bought before leaving. By the way, you know you’re a FSU fan, right?

Philip laughs and shares the news with the guys.

JUDAS

Tell him to man up!

PHILIP

You hear that?

SIMON

Yeah, that’s why I called you and not either of those idiots.

PHILIP

Hold on a second.

Philip passes the phone to Judas.

JUDAS

How can I help you, ma’am?

SIMON

Shut up. What did James say?

JUDAS

Put Leslie on; I want to tell her that I love her.

SIMON

What did he say, asshole?

JUDAS

We got here late and only saw him for a few minutes; we’re staying the weekend and going back on Monday. He said you’re a bitch!

Simon laughs.

SIMON

Tell him I’ll send some soap-on-a-rope when I get home.

JUDAS

Will do. What’s up with having to sneak away to make a phone call?

SIMON

I don’t know man; I messed up so I have to put up with her nonsense for the weekend.

JUDAS

Don’t tell me you’re shifting in to Matt-Mode?

SIMON

Hell no! Things will be back to normal when we get back. I’m laying it on real thick.

JUDAS

I don’t know; I think you might be slipping.

SIMON

C’mon man, I got this. She’s so gullible; I actually placed my head in my arms and faked like I was crying. She was feeling sorry for ME!

JUDAS

Sweet! You know you’re going to hell for the way you treat her, right?

SIMON

Na, she forgave me; it’s all good. What are you guys going to do in Tucson?

JUDAS

Not sure, but there won’t be any trips to the mall or a spa like you’ll be making today.

Simon laughs.

SIMON

She said we MIGHT go to to the mall; depends if there is enough time!

JUDAS

Whatever you do, don’t check your messages in front of her when you get back, because I’m about to leave the details of your secret phone on your machine as soon as I hang up.

Simon laughs.

SIMON

Never that! Have fun; I’ll be here trying not to kill myself.

JUDAS

Your life sucks, man!

SIMON

Thanks; I appreciate the compliment!

JUDAS

Aight, bitch!

SIMON

Peace!

Judas hangs up the phone.

JUDAS

Looks like he made up for cheating on her; chicks are so dumb.

PHILIP

They’re not dumb; you guys are just assholes.

BARTHOLOMEW

Seems like you’re a little bitter. What happened, some guy break your heart?

Judas and Bartholomew laugh.

PHILIP

I never understand how she always believes him.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s because he never admits the truth; deny deny deny, baby!

JUDAS

It’s so simple!

The guys laugh and Philip shakes his head.

BARTHOLOMEW

Hey Phil, you have to make up for the last time; tonight, you’re for the sport.

JUDAS

Hell yeah! You owe us.

PHILIP

There is no way I am sleeping with some random drunk slut with no self esteem; I have standards. I have no idea how you guys ever do for the sport.

JUDAS

Just think of it like driving a car; when you’re drunk, it’s all about automatics — No Standards!

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, absolutely no sticks!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

Why is it that men who choose not to sleep with disgusting whores are called gay?

JUDAS

I don’t know Phil; why are you gay?

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

You guys talk a lot, but tonight, I’ll be the one who bags the hottest/classiest woman.

BARTHOLOMEW

I don’t care if she’s hot or classy; as long you bag someone who doesn’t have a penis, I’ll be satisfied!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

Where are we going, by the way?

BARTHOLOMEW

Anywhere that is away from the campus; that’s for sure!

PHILIP

Damn right, I’m not trying to pull a James!

JUDAS

We’re good; I spoke to the concierge and he told me about a great nightclub.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I think it’s called the Babylon Club.

PHILIP

I’m not going there with Frank Lopez-looking Judas; I think Tony Montana might be there!

The guys laugh.

INT. PIMA COUNTY SHERIFF’S DEPARTMENT

The guys have a fun-filled weekend and are able to make it to visiting hours on time. The four men are seated at a table.

JAMES

What did you guys do this weekend?

JUDAS

You go first, you probably had way more fun than us!

BARTHOLOMEW

In fact, you probably did the same thing this one did.

Bartholomew points to Philip and the guys laugh.

JUDAS

W went to a club and it was packed. There were chicks everywhere.

BARTHOLOMEW

For real, I needed a neck brace from all of the whiplash; I can’t believe I’m saying this, but there were too many hot chicks in there!

JAMES

Damn, I didn’t know Tucson had it like that!

BARTHOLOMEW

We had fun, but you wouldn’t have liked it; there were no teens allowed and they were carding at the door.

The guys laugh.

JAMES

Being kicked when you are down is always fun; thanks Bart!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s what I’m here for.

JUDAS

We met some cool chicks and the night was going great until the hottest chick we’ve ever laid eyes on walked in.

JAMES

Who was she?

BARTHOLOMEW

No one knew, we asked the bartender and he said he never saw her before.

JUDAS

She was a legitimate, ten! She was so hot, guys were terrified to approach her. It was like everything paused. Everyone in the club followed her every move.

BARTHOLOMEW

He’s not lying; I think the music even stopped.

JAMES

There is no way she was that hot.

BARTHOLOMEW

Dude, she was hot! How can I describe her to you? Picture Britney Spears, when she was in the Mickey Mouse Club.

JAMES

You never let up do you?

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

All kidding aside, she was unbelievably hot. There was an empty seat next to us and she walked up and sat next to Phil. At first, I thought she was going have a bitchy attitude, but she introduced herself, to us.

BARTHOLOMEW

I must say, it was the first time I was actually jealous of this one.

Again, he points to Philip.

JUDAS

It turns out that she was a fitness instructor from Phoenix. After a few minutes of talking, the chick asked Phil if he wanted to move to one of the couches so they could be more comfortable.

BARTHOLOMEW

I couldn’t believe it!

JAMES

Damn Phil, let me find out you actually have some game.

PHILIP

I told you guys.

James gives Philip a high-five and Bartholomew shakes his head.

JUDAS

For the rest of the night, every guy in the club wanted to be Phil. We bagged some random chicks at the bar and drank the night away.

BARTHOLOMEW

They were pretty hot, too!

JAMES

You sure, or were they beer-goggle hot?

BARTHOLOMEW

Na, I woke up and banged mine again; she was hot for real!

JAMES

Wow, I never heard of a guy who could disappoint a one-night-stand, twice!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

She looked a little pissed off when I passed her in the hallway!

JAMES

Yeah right! She must have been upset by the fact that I added a little more bow to her legs!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

Anyway, long story short, Phil hopped into a cab with the hot chick and escorted her back to her hotel for a “night cap!”

JAMES

Damn Phil, you banged the hot chick?

Bartholomew stands up and bangs on the table as he yells out.

BARTHOLOMEW

NO! HE FUCKING FUMBLED THE FUCKING ROCK, AGAIN!

JUDAS

It was a beautiful rock, too; a diamond!

A guard walks over to the guys and warns them to keep it down. James shake his head at Philip.

JAMES

What happened, Phil?

JUDAS

Absolutely nothing! He went back to her room, didn’t make a move and walked out with an e-mail address.

JAMES

Damn Phil! E-mail?

BARTHOLOMEW

Might as well have been a Facebook friend request. It’s gonna take a while for me to get over this; that chick was super hot and one of us could have banged her.

JUDAS

You know what the worst part is? Phil didn’t actually is proud of what he accomplished.

JAMES

What do you think is going to happen, Phil? You live in Boston and she’s in Phoenix; you were supposed to seal the deal!

PHILIP

I like to take things sl…

Before he can finish his defense, Judas jumps in.

JUDAS

If you even think of saying one of your Phil-planations, I will kill you!

James laughs.

JAMES

I like that; Phil-planations!

JUDAS

It’s getting to be unbearable. What happened with this chick?

JAMES

I went to the USC game and ran into this chick from Arizona at a bar. She was hot, but she couldn’t stay long because her ride was leaving. I knew I could bang it so I asked if she had a place for me to sleep if I decided to make a pit-stop in Tucson. She was into it so I had no choice.

JUDAS

Can you honestly tell me this chick didn’t look seventeen?

JAMES

She was developed!

He motions as if he has huge breasts.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, didn’t you notice the sticker on her forehead?

The guys laugh.

JAMES

I met her in a bar, asshole. She ended up staying with me for the night and I rented a car the next day. When we arrived in Tucson, I stopped at the liquor store and she rounded-up her friends for a small dorm party.

BARTHOLOMEW

How can you be around a bunch of ditsy college chicks; what do you even talk about?

JAMES

Let’s just say, I wasn’t there for the conversation!

The guys laugh.

JAMES

Eventually, the party moved across the hall and I banged the little slut all night.

BARTHOLOMEW

So what, three, four minutes?

JUDAS

He said, all night; it had to be at least, twenty!

The guys laugh.

JAMES

Everything was fine, until I woke up to a gun pointed at my head.

BARTHOLOMEW

What?

JAMES

Yeah, it was crazy! I was in bed with this chick and there were Campus Police and Tucson Police and the RA and a bunch of other people; you would have though I was a terrorist or something!

JUDAS

What the hell did they say?

JAMES

I can’t even remember; I just wanted to get dressed. One officer watched me get dressed and they escorted me out. It was the most embarrassing moment of my life; the morning classes were canceled and students were lined up as if they were waiting for the Red Sox rolling Rally to drive by.

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

Damn, that sucks!

JAMES

Yeah! My lawyer said, I’m pretty much screwed; the chick’s dad works for McCain so the persecutor wants to make a name for himself.

JUDAS

You have the worst luck ever.

BARTHOLOMEW

How does the fact that her father works for a Senator not come up in the conversation; you were with her for a day and a half – which included a long road trip?

JAMES

Do you think I try to get to know these hos? I’m not Phil; I go in with a plan and I complete the mission!

The guys laugh, except for Philip.

JUDAS

So what happens next?

JAMES

My lawyer is trying to get me a plea deal, if they don’t offer me one, I’ll have to go to trial. I’m definitely about to do a major bid.

James’ words shifts the mood; the hard reality of the situation is sobering.

BARTHOLOMEW

Is there anything you need us to do?

JAMES

There isn’t really anything to do; I just have to wait and see. All I can really say is thanks for coming out here and keep in touch.

JUDAS

Of course!

PHILIP

Yeah man, you know we have your back.

BARTHOLOMEW

You can call us collect, anytime.

JAMES

I will definitely do that; I’m going to need the little talks to keep my sanity.

The guard motions for the guys to leave.

JAMES

Looks like visiting time is over.

JUDAS

Be strong, my dude.

JAMES

Thanks, I’ll be good.

The two friends share a man-hug.

PHILIP

I’ll keep praying for you.

JAMES

Thanks; I’ll need the lord to watch over me.

James and Phil share man-hug, as well.

JAMES

Did you just grab my ass?

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Just remember that no means no, even if it’s a guy; don’t become a gay rapist!

The guys laugh.

JAMES

It’s unbelievable; you really can’t stop?

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s what friends are for.

JAMES

Thanks; I mean that!

Bartholomew gives James a real hug.

BARTHOLOMEW

Don’t forget to call!

JAMES

I won’t. I’ll keep in touch! Tell Matt and Simon, I’ll call them.

Bartholomew nods his head, and a guard stands next to James as he watches his friends leave.

                                         [It’s A Wrap!]

@PeteTeix617

Episode 5

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10 responses to “Bagging Up – Episode 4

  1. Pingback: Bagging Up – Episode 3 « Wacky Pete's Wicked & Wonderful Words of Wis-dumb

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  8. Pingback: Baggin Up – Episode 11 | Wacky Pete's Wicked & Wonderful Words of Wis-dumb

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