Subway Surprise

A few months ago, I wrote an Onion News Network inspired post about Chris Bosh of the Miami Heat. This is my second post in homage to the website’s style.

To read the previous entry, click on the link from May 14th, 2012:

Chris Bosh Breaks Down And Reveals True Cause Of Abdominal Strain



Subway Surprise

Unfortunately, stories about women being groped on the New York City transit system are far too common. Recently, Kelly O’Brien had such an experience. O’Brien, a librarian at Manhattan’s Stephen A. Schwarzman Building, ended her shift and strolled towards 42nd street in order to board the A Train.

O’Brien, a native of Wichita Kansas, loved the big city life and the comfort of riding the subway. She often stopped at Penn Station for a quick snack before continuing on to her apartment on Bleecker Street. The train arrived a few minutes after O’Brien purchased her Meatball Pizza (Pie to New Yorkers!) from Lugo Caffe. As usual, every seat was occupied so she found an open spot in the center of the car. She grasped the pizza with her right hand and held onto the pole with her left.

As the train moved down the tracks, a man continued to bump up against O’Brien, but it was a typical occurrence. Suddenly, O’Brien felt a hand cup her right breast. Before she could comprehend what was happening, another hand cupped her left breast. With the pizza in one hand, and her left hand attached to the pole, she could do nothing other than scream.

The stranger felt her up for a few more seconds before scurrying into a different car. Thankfully, a gentleman, who witnessed the attack, ran after the creep. The hero tackled the assailant and held him until the train pulled into the next station. A New York City transit officer was on the platform and he arrested the immoral man.

Kelly O’Brien immediately identified her attacker and thanked the hero. Prior to taking the criminal to the police station, the officer offered the offender to apologize for his actions. The apprehended individual stared at O’Brien for a couple seconds before speaking.

Creep: “I love touching women’s breasts and I will not apologize for what I did. She is wearing a blouse that exposes a significant amount of her cleavage and I had to feel those fun bags!”

Transit Officer: “I’m sorry, ma’am; people like him shouldn’t be allowed to walk the street.”

O’Brien: “Thank you officer. Hopefully he gets some help.”

Transit Officer: “That’s enough out of you, jerk!”

O’Brien clenched the cardboard box with both hands as watched she watched the officer lead her attacker away. Before the two men turned the corner, the creep yelled out.

Creep: “I think I felt a lump in your left breast. You should get that checked; I would hate to see those babies removed!”

The creep’s words remained with O’Brien while she sat in her inauspicious apartment and enjoyed her pizza. A week after the incident, she finally scheduled a mammogram. Regrettably, a lump was detected, but the doctors caught it early enough to quickly remove the cancerous growth. O’Brien realized that the “creep” actually ended up saving her life. She decided to drop all charges against her attacker and he was released; free to grope whomever he wanted to.

[The End]

Ladies, show a little more cleavage…it may just save your life!



Chris Bosh Breaks Down And Reveals True Cause Of Abdominal Strain

Originally, Chris Bosh claimed that he suffered an abdominal strain while attempting to pull down a rebound during game one of the second round playoff match-up against the Indiana Pacers, but after some rigorous questioning, the all-star power forward broke down and revealed the truth about his injury.

In a shocking twist, Bosh admitted that he suffered the strain at his Miami area home. Apparently, Bosh was doing Pilates with his wife and she challenged him to a “Pilates posture-off!”

Bosh explained the rules in a recent radio interview. “Well, it’s pretty simple. Me and the misses get into different positions and the person who breaks first, loses. Each new position increases in difficulty and is worth one more point than the previous exercise.”

Mrs. Bosh was winning by a point after the couple completed exercise number eight, known as the mermaid. (I am not familiar with the pose but I assume there is some salt water involved!) Like any red-blooded athlete, the NBA star knew he had to push it to the limit in order to secure a victory.

The final exercise was the most challenging; the barrel stretch. (Pictured below!)

Here is Bosh’s explanation of the injury:

“I knew I had to dig down deep in order to win. My wife was in the lead and she was talking a little smack. Normally I wouldn’t mind but the, I love Skip Bayless, t-shirt she had on pissed me off. There was no way I could back down! We got into the position which was worth ten points and after an hour and a half, I began to feel some discomfort. This happens almost every night which is usually when I decide to stop posing, but I didn’t want to quit. I pushed myself and held the pose for another two hours. It was tough but I knew what was on the line. I think it was four hours into the final challenge that I felt the strain; I let out a loud whimper and that’s when my wife lost concentration; releasing her position. I know we are in the middle of the NBA playoffs but there are times in a person’s life when sacrifices have to be made for the greater good. The win was definitely worth it; I will forever be known as a champion!” (Yes Chris, I agree that you will forever be known as a Pilates champion!)

     Well folks, that’s quite a tale! ESPN sports anchor, Steve Levy, mistakenly reported that Bosh’s abdominal strain was the result of a bulging dick! (Watch the clip if you didn’t watch SportsCenter in the ‘90s! ESPN Blooper.)

In a way, Chris Bosh is a hero because he played a significant amount of minutes with a strain in his abdomen. Who would have figured!

The purpose of this post was to pay homage to Onion News Network! I hope I did them justice!