The Second Coming

Part II {Read the first part in the previous post. An Overdue Conversation}


I’m fresh up out my coma…

I got my Momma and my Daddy and my homies in my co’na…

It’s gonna take a miracle they say…

For me to walk again and talk again but anyway…

I get, fronted some KIs…

To get, back on my feet…

And everything the homie said came to reality…

Living like a baller loc…

Having money, and blowing hella chronic smoke…

I bought my Momma a Benz, and bought my boo boo a Jag…

And now I’m rolling in a nine-trizzay L Dogg Rag…

Wait a minute. Those are the lyrics to Snoop’s ‘Murder Was The Case.’ Sorry about that…points off my grade.

Everything promised, to me, came true. Obviously, the big guy is no liar; we all know he is great and powerful. Especially after he saved that Dorothy chick and her little dog!

****** (Most people credit Paris Hilton with creating the little doggy trend, but Dorothy was the true O.G. when it comes to rolling with a miniature pup. She also started the red bottoms craze…that girl was way ahead of her time.) ******

I sat on the balcony of my beach front mansion and watched the waves crash into the unlucky bathers who are probably wishing that the Pacific Ocean was a few degrees warmer. As I sat thinking of a billion dollar invention to heat up the shark infested water, a star appeared in the sky. I was amazed at how bright it was. The star wasn’t brighter than the others; it was the only visible light through the thick Los Angeles fog. For a few seconds, it appeared that the star was getting closer, and the light grew blinding.

Little did I know; this was no star. I was being visited by an angel.

Angel: “God evening.”

Me: “Hello. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Angel: “I am angel.”

Me: “I am human.”

Angel: “No, moron. My name is Angel.”

Me: “Oh…my bad. I was wondering why god sent a slow angel.”

Angel: “Don’t you mean retarded angel?”

Me: “No. You can’t say that word; it offends people.”

Angel: “You know I can read your mind; I know you wanted to say ‘retarded.’”

[I laugh.]

Me: “So, when is Jesus coming…no homo?”

Angel: “Don’t you mean ‘when is he coming…extra homo?’ You know I can read your mind.”

[We laugh.]

Me: “Definitely not. Keep on playing and I’ll send him back an extra virgin.”

[He laughs.]

Angel: “Ok. I guess there isn’t really anything to do, other than give you his arrival date since you seem prepared.”

Me: “Great! What day?”

Angel: “He will be here tomorrow.”

[The angel disappears.]

I didn’t sleep well that night. The anticipation of Jesus returning to earth was too much excitement. It only makes sense for the big guy to choose me as The Christ Chaperone…I guess I am the second coming of the apostle Peter. Unlike the previous guy, I am not sharing the limelight with anyone else.

I was awakened by a bright light. I struggled to open my eyes, but I was finally able to make out a man standing at the foot of my bed. He appeared to be of Indian decent.

Me: “Who the hell are you?”

Figure: “It’s me, Jesus.”

Me: “Why the hell did you choose to be Indian? Do you not know that most of the billion citizens are not Catholics? You’re definitely not a big deal over there.”

Jesus: “Of course I know. I’m going to convert them once they see my new face.”

Me: “That’s actually a great idea.”

Jesus: “Yeah, dad knows what he is doing.”

Me: “I’ve been waiting for you. I hope you’re ready! I have a slut in the other room and she is ready to yell out your dad’s name.”

Jesus: “What? That’s too early…I’m not ready right now.”

ME: “WHAT? I can’t believe you’re freezing up again. You’re dad is going to be pissed.”

Jesus: “I’m not freezing up…I just want to do it with a girl I choose.”

Me: “How long is that going to take?”

Jesus: “I don’t know…maybe a couple nights.”

[I start laughing.]

Me: “I’m just messing with you.”

Jesus: “Oh…yeah; I knew that.”

Me: “Sure! I see that you didn’t get any of that ‘all knowing’ stuff from your dad. You definitely got your smarts from your uneducated mother.”

Jesus: “Who said my mother was uneducated?”

Me: “C’mon. Everyone knows women didn’t go to school back in those days.”

[I wink.]

Me: “The good O’le days!”

Jesus: “The what?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding.”

Jesus: “What are you going to do when you end up in Heaven and have to face my mother.”

Me: “Not sure…depends if she is a M.I.L.F. or not!”

[He grows angry.]

Jesus: “What did you just say?”

[I can’t help but laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding…I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

Jesus: “I’m not sensitive; I just didn’t hear what you said. I have had trouble hearing from my left ear, since the crucifixion.”

Me: “Oh, damn. I didn’t know. Why can’t your dad fix it?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You’re an idiot. I have the power to perform miracles and you think I have a bad ear?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m definitely slipping.”

Jesus: “No…you’re just dumb.”

Me: “Let’s go do something.”

Jesus: “It’s your town. You tell me what we’re going to do.”

Me: “Actually, your dad pretty much owns the entire universe so it’s really your town.”

Jesus: “Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should trust an idiot with this decision; ths is my first night.”

[I begin to sing.]

Me: “If I could walk on water, would you believe in me.”

[He shakes his head.]

Jesus: “I hate that fucking song.”

Me: “First of all, the song is great, and secondly, who the hell said you can curse?”

Jesus: “I can do whatever the hell I want. What are you my mom?”

Me: “No, but I am your chaperone and you will respect me.”

Jesus grows larger and spreads his arms out over his head and begins to yell.

Jesus: “You shall Respect ME!”

For a second, the room goes black. Suddenly, I seem to be tiny. I look in the mirror and discover that I am now a ladybug.

Me: “Change me back or…”

Jesus: “Or what?”

Me: “Or…or I will not help you get laid. I’ll tell women that you are a virgin. Annnnd a pedophile.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I’m not a fucking pedophile.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “It’s going to take some time for me to get used to you swearing.”

Jesus: “It’s not that big a deal.”

Me: “Yes it is. And yes, you are a pedophile.”

Jesus: “You’re an idiot.”

Me: “Ok, you’re not a pedophile, but your priests are.”

Jesus: “They’re not my fucking priests.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “C’mon. Just change me back.”

Jesus: “Ok. But first, you have to beg.”

Me: “Just change me back.”

He crosses his arms and bows his head quickly. I turn back into myself.

Me: “What the hell! Did you just pull a genie move from the television show?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You know it.”

Me: “Seriously. We have to set rules, because I’m not dealing with that type of nonsense.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “Now look at who is sensitive.”

Me: “Ok, we don’t need rules, but you can’t abuse me. I’m trying to help you out.”

Jesus: “Alright, I get what you are saying.”

Me: “Cool! Let’s go, jerk.”

Jesus: “What did I do to deserve that?”

[We laugh.]

The night turned out to be a success. We got some food then hit up a few bars in Hollywood. Jesus was a big hit, and it appeared that he was ready to lose his virginity.

The following morning, I woke up early and made some breakfast.

Jesus: “That smells good. What did you make for breakfast?”

Me: “Some eggs, bacon and home fries.”

Jesus: “Sounds good…I’m starving.”

Me: “Yeah, I woke up feeling the same way.”

Jesus: “Where is my plate?”

Me: “I didn’t make any for you.”

Jesus: “What the hell?”

[I shrug my shoulders and continue to eat.]

Jesus: “Why didn’t you make some for me?”

Me: “It’s every man for himself around here.”

Jesus: “That is very selfish of you, but not a problem.”

[A plate of food appears on the table.]

Me: “Must be nice!”

Jesus: “Yup!”

Me: “Did you have fun last night?”

Jesus: “Yeah. It was great.”

Me: “Did you see anything worth a poke?”

Jesus: “On Facebook?”

[I shake my head in disapproval.]

Jesus: “Sorry, but I had to.”

Me: “I guess.”

Jesus: “I did like the girl from the pizza place.”

Me: “Oh yeah! I completely forgot about her. You stole my phone and texted her all night. You missed out on some hot chicks.”

Jesus: “Not really. I like Cece.”

Me: “So is she the one?”

Jesus: “Yeah, I think so.”

Me: “When is it going down? Or should I say, when is she going down?”

Jesus: “She’s not some random whore…I’m going to take her out on a proper date and let things happen as they will.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s exactly what I said. Let me rephrase. When are you going to bang the slut?”

[He gets annoyed and shakes his head disapprovingly.]

Jesus: “You’re a moron.”

Me: “When is the date?”

Jesus: “I’m meeting her this afternoon, and we’re going to hang out all day.”

Me: “Sounds like a lot of work. If I had the power to perform miracles, I’d be on chick number 17 by now.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I don’t think we are looking for the same thing.”

Me: “You’re right about that. I have no desire to land in the friend zone.”

[He shakes his head.]


Jesus left the mansion to go on his date with Cece. I waited up all night, but he never returned. The following afternoon, I decided to sit by the pool until he finally arrived.

Me: “There he is. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something different about you.”

Jesus: “No. I’m exactly the same.”

Me: “Are you serious? What the hell did you do…spend the night and read Bible versus to each other?”

Jesus: “No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “What happened? Did you freeze up?”

Jesus: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about what happens between me and Cece.”

Me: “You mean Cece and I.”

[Jesus is annoyed.]

Jesus: “Ha ha. What is that…a you banged Cece joke?”

Me: “No, I was correcting your grammar. You said me and Cece, but you are supposed to say Cece and I. You are truly your mother’s son.”

Jesus: “Who cares. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “Are you fucking kidding me? You are going to tell me every single detail, or I’m calling your dad.”

Jesus: “How do you plan on doing that?”

Me: “I don’t know…pray, I guess.”

Jesus: “If you must know, I am no longer a virgin.”

Me: “Are you serious? I can’t believe it…my little boy is a man.”

[I wipe away fake tears.]

Jesus: “It was the greatest night of my life.”

Me: “Better than the crucifixion?”

[I laugh.]

Jesus: “You’re the dumbest person I know.”

Me: “What happened?”

Jesus: “I’m not going into personal details. All you need to know is that I performed and she was satisfied. P.S. I am no minute man…Lionel Richie was definitely singing All night long.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I need some details.”

Jesus: “I can tell you that I plan on hanging around for a while.”

Me: “What? What the hell are you talking about”? Don’t tell me you fell in love.”

Jesus: “Cece is great and she has some great ideas.”

Me: “What kind of ideas?”

Jesus: “We were talking and I want to have a son; he will be the next Messiah.”

Me: “Son? Tell me you strapped up.”

Jesus: “You think I waited two thousand years to wear a condom?”

Me: “JESUS CHRIST! I hope you pulled out.”

Jesus: “Of course not. She is on the pill.”

Me: “Oh my GOD! You’re dumber than I thought. That’s what all the groupie whores say.”

Jesus: “She isn’t a whore.”

Me: “I can’t believe this chick might be pregnant.”

Jesus: “There is no might. If I want her to be pregnant she will be, but if I don’t want her to be pregnant, there will be no child.”

Me: “What the hell? I thought your church was against abortion.”

Jesus: “It’s not an abortion.”

Me: “Whatever you say buddy. Sounds like an abortion to me. Good for you.”

Jesus: “You’re a complete idiot.”

Me: “Can you please explain to me why the hell you want to have a child with this chick?”

Jesus: “If I have a son, he can help to convert the non-Christians and bring the entire world together.”

Me: “That’s a dumb idea.”

Jesus: “It’s Cece’s idea and it’s great.”

Me: “I can’t believe this. Two thousand years and you finally get some pussy and you lose your damn mind.”

Jesus: “You’re too dumb to understand the importance of me having a child.”

Me: “You don’t even know this chick and you’re ready to make her the mother of the next Messiah? What’s her real name…I need to do a little background check.”

Jesus: “For what?”

Me: “Because you were born from a virgin and we don’t need your son born from some Biblical groupie slut.”

Jesus: “You don’t even know her.”

Me: “Neither do you.”

Jesus: “Give me your phone.”

[He enters her name and loads her Facebook profile.]

Jesus: “Here.”

Me: “Good! At least you know her name. Let me see. Damn, her page is private.”

Jesus: “Check again.”

Me: “Jeez, you can really do whatever you want.”

Jesus: “Not really. You don’t see me killing you.”

Me: “Relax, I am on your side.”

Jesus: “I can’t wait to tell my dad about Cece’s plan.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Jesus: “Why not?”

[I hand him my phone.]

Jesus: “What the hell is this?”

Me: “That’s Cece’s ass and half of those comments are from guys who clearly have tapped it.”

Jesus: “That’s not necessarily true.”

Me: “NO? Why don’t you call her and ask?”

Jesus: “No problem.”

[He takes the phone and enters the house. He then returns after a long conversation.]

Jesus: “This sucks!”

Me: “What?”

Jesus: “She’s a fucking whore.”

Me: “She admitted it?”

Jesus: “It’s kind of hard for people to lie to me.”

Me: “Oh yeah. Wait…I’m confused. How did you not see this with all of your super powers?”

Jesus: “I don’t know. I guess my mind was clouded because of the sex.”

Me: “Yeah. That makes sense. What did she say.”

Jesus: “She planned on getting pregnant and making me grant her wishes instead of child support.”

Me: “What the hell did she think…that you were the Genie from Aladdin?”

[We both laugh.]

Jesus: “I don’t know, but some of you humans are fucked up people. I think I’m ready to go back. I don’t want to risk sleeping with some super whore who strips me of all my powers.”

[I laugh.]

Me: I don’t think you have to leave, just remember to let your dad do the planning from now on. You’re definitely your mother’s son.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I can’t wait until you have to face her.”

Me: “She seems like a nice lady…I think I will be alright.”

Jesus: “I’ll sleep on it and think about staying.”

Me: “Stay a little longer and we’ll have a blast.”

Jesus: “We’ll see.”

{The End}



I Miss My “God”

For some reason, I was inspired to rewrite Lil Wayne’s song, I Miss My Dawgs.


I Miss My “God”

Verse 1

And man I miss the times,

that I lied,

you would keep on your side

You would teach me not to cry

and you would teach me about pride

Then I’d grab the bible,

go over the lines

I believed the same tradition,

but then I changed position, shit

I had to change, but I miss ya,

and its strange

but I, never forget ya

I know I put you in them Facebook memes wodie

You can’t be angry about the dissing wodie

That’s right,

you never replied,

and never will,

you don’t exist homie

Before I die,

It ain’t no lie

I’ll teach the kids homie

My knowledge is theirs

I gotta give homie,

and yea

Some people still follow in this bitch homie

Yea, St Patrick’s still represent homie, shit homie

I know the real

Is you feeling me Jizzle

That altar boy shit, still in me Jizzle,

word the giggity Jizzle

But I ain’t got time to change the history

I miss you and I know you missing me




 Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass stacking donations (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)


Verse 2

And I remember when I prayed for the “truth”

Went to Catholic school, but never stayed for the “truth,”

Escaped to BLS during my youth

I emptied my school bag and ran for new tools

I went with the big bang and away from your rules

So I decided not to hang around and listen to your fools

And I was alone in my views, my church was angry at the schools, shit

But I knew I’d be straight

Vowed to stay away from the hate

Stopped going to mass and ignored all the fake

I was waiting for their anger to rise,

See I was patient so there was no surprise

Your building is filled only with lies

Real students never fear myths

But every faith ain’t filled with stories that’s real

You’re not real

You know I would quickly change my ways not turn you down

But you can never come around


History is history

I miss you and I know you missing me




Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass stacking donations (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)


Verse 3

You was my guidance, my joy, my heart, my teacher

My main motherfucker the preacher

My brother, my pastor,

I was apprentice, he was master

I questioned, he schooled,

I challenged, he fooled

We sang, we prayed,

Poor people still paid

I was hip to the game,

Saw the answers were lame

Remember my questions, I was skeptical

I remained in trouble every day ‘cause your logic was terrible

Remember that I’d leave, and, my bible stayed behind

You told me not to research on my own, but I was straight on the grind

While I watched how you lied to the laity

Including my family and friends, your methods are shady

Yea I hate those times my “brother”

Now I recognize real you were never my brother

Yea, I realize my “brother,”

I got my brothers

The men you leave behind are my brothers



Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Sunday mass was poppin’ (yeah)

Sunday mass new rosary beads (yeah)

Sunday mass we were counting cash (yeah)

Man I miss my “god” (yeah)

Me and you through thick and thin (yeah)

Me and you to the very end (yeah)

Without you I can sin again (yeah)


Simply put, I think I just miss being dumb!


Fun With Pics

I always found memes to be hilarious, but I never knew how easy it was to create them. Unfortunately, I was too lazy to take a moment to look into the process, up until recently. I am now addicted to creating these wonderful captioned photos. Here are the first several memes that I have posted on Facebook, along with my comments.


If you’re going to go imaginary, go with the fun guy!


Awh! I feel so bad.

LIKE if you believe in second chances.

SHARE if you believe in practicing what you preach.

IGNORE if you don’t forgive.


Catch 22…




At Least it’s fat free!


The devil makes me do bad things!


I thought Tony Stark was arrogant!

I hope these were entertaining!


An Overdue Conversation

I’m skeptical when it comes to psychics but I decided to give the experience a try and see what all the hype was about. I drove to Hollywood and found a “reputable” medium to help me uncover the world of the unknown.

I don’t really have any desire to know what will happen in my future so there was no point in going down that path. I did have some questions that I wanted answered, but there was no need for me to ask any of them; the psychic already had something planned for me.

“I will answer the main question that has plagued you for most of your life.” She said confidently.

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and I seriously thought about demanding my money back and storming out of the cuckoo’s nest, but curiosity got the best of me. (Thank goodness I’m not a cat!)

After a few minutes of preparation, the psychic held my hands and asked me to close my eyes. I followed several more instructions and eventually found myself in the middle of an out-of-body experience.

Before I knew it, I was in a strange place. There was no furniture due to the fact that the floor was comfortable enough for me to either lie flat on or sit; I never experienced a more relaxing setting. There was a woman stroking a harp in one corner, but she did not seem to notice my arrival. The walls seemed to be made of some weird reinforced cloud material; they were deceptively strong but soft to the touch. Leaning up against the wall felt like jumping onto a five thousand thread count comforter atop a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

Initially, I thought that I was the only other person in the room, but after gathering my bearings I realized there were two beings at the other end of the room. I couldn’t make out their form, but these two were clearly not human beings. I wasn’t sure if I should approach them, but I didn’t have a choice so I walked to where they were standing.

When I got within earshot I said hello, but they didn’t seem to hear me. It turns out these two were in the middle of a conversation. I wasn’t sure if they could see me or if I was invisible. Their bodies were made out of what appeared to be some sort of mist, which continued to take on different forms. One of the beings was about twice the size of the other and it changed shapes more frequently.

I didn’t want to be nosy, but there was nothing I could do other than sit on the comfortable floor and wait until they were done talking.

Here is what I heard.

Being 1: “What is it now; why are you always angry? You’re the only person in my kingdom who is never happy.”

Being 2: “Nothing is wrong. Anyway, I thought you knew everything?”

Being 1: “I can’t take it anymore. You’ve been angry for almost two thousand years but recently, you’ve been unbearable. What is bothering you?”

Being 2: “You never apologized for making me go through the unspeakable pain. You have no idea what it was like.”

Being 1: “I thought we discussed this? You agreed to make the sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

Being 2: “I know I agreed, but I feel like you didn’t appreciate what I did.”

Being 1: “Of course I appreciate it. There are monuments all over the world dedicated to your memory. What more do you want? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

[As I sat on the floor, I realized who these beings were. I was in the presence of God and Jesus. I couldn’t believe it!]

Jesus: “The crucifixion was horrible, but that’s not what is bothering me.”

God: “Then what is it?”

Jesus: “I don’t want to talk about it because you wouldn’t understand.”

God: “After two thousand years of you being angry, there is no way I’m dropping this, now; tell me why you’re angry.”

Jesus: “Why did I have to die a virgin?”

God: “What?”

Jesus: “On earth. You sent me to save the human souls, and I didn’t get to enjoy the entire experience.”

God: “Is that what has been bothering you, all these years?”

Jesus: “Yes! Seriously, what was the point? I sacrificed my life by dying the most excruciating death, and for what; all we are left with is a Church whose leadership is full of pedophiles and pedophile sympathizers. I feel cheated.”

God: “I understand that things haven’t exactly worked out, but why are you mad at me? I never said you couldn’t have sex.”

Jesus: “You never said it but you implied it with all that ‘set an example’ talk.”

God: “I said set an example, but I never placed a restriction on sex. I understand that you are frustrated, but don’t try and blame me; you could have slept with whichever woman you desired.”

Jesus: “I guess you’re right; I only have myself to blame.”

God: “I always wondered why you didn’t sleep with any women. I figured you didn’t have any interest. You were always around so many men; there was one point I actually thought you were gay.”

Jesus: ”I wasn’t gay; I just had trouble speaking when I was in the company of a beautiful woman. I never knew how to break the ice.”

God: “Are you kidding me? I gave you the power to perform miracles. You could have had any woman you wanted. I can’t count how many times I saw you pass up some of my best work.”

Jesus: “For many years, I didn’t understand it either, but after watching the Forty Year-Old Virgin, I realized that I was putting the pussy on a pedestal. The sad thing is, I never discovered how to stop glorifying the pussy.”

God: “What do you mean?”

Jesus: “I waited so long to have sex that it eventually became an unattainable goal. My friends tried to tell me that I was over-thinking things, but I was too afraid to take the first step; I always got too nervous”

God: “Why didn’t you just have one of the guys bring someone for you? Your apostles were some serious players; between the group, I think half of Jerusalem went down.”

Jesus: “Yeah, Simon slept next door and he never had a night off. It’s not fair; I want to go back so I can have an orgasm.”

God: “I knew you never had sex, but I didn’t know you never had an orgasm.”

Jesus: “Well, I kind of had one.”

God: “What do you mean, ‘kind of?’”

Jesus: “There was this one time that I woke up from a wet dream; it was horrible.”

God: “Were you scared because it was the first time you saw semen?”

Jesus: “No. The guys already explained that to me. I said it was horrible because it was my first orgasm and I missed it. Do you know how frustrating it is to wake up, drenched in your own jizz, but completely missing out on the orgasm? It fucking sucks, dad!”

God: “Yeah, I guess that is pretty bad.”

Jesus: “It always bothered me that I never had sex, but recently it’s been unbearable; these humans are out of control. I can’t take it anymore. Do you not see how these people are living? With all these tiny cameras and smart phones, a new porn star is made every other minute of the day. I can’t look at earth, for a second, without seeing some slut whooping it up and showing the goods! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT PUSSY FEELS LIKE!”

God: “Yeah, I feel like it’s Sodom and Gomorrah all over again?”

Jesus: “Did you ever have sex?”

God: “Of course. I definitely took the form of a human being and slept with a few women in my early years.”

Jesus: “Can I go back? I need to have sex!”

God: “You’re my son and I want you to be happy, but what happens if I send you back and you freeze up?”

Jesus: “Are you kidding me? There is no way I’ll freeze up. If you send me back, I’ll bang everything in sight; it’s a completely different world; women are sleeping with men for cheeseburgers.”

[I let out a loud sneeze and the two beings turn to face me.]

Jesus: “My dad blesses you.”

Me: “Thanks.”

God: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “I went to see a psychic and she sent me here. I guess she wanted me to see that you were real. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, on your conversation, but when I said ‘hello’ no one seemed to notice me.”

God: “Is there anything you need to know before I send you back?”

Me: “Yeah! I’ve been an atheist for some time now and I’m wondering if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to enter Heaven. after I die?”

God: “Of course,I forgive you; I’m not happy with the religions of the world. Most of those people will be taking the elevator to the ground level after they die. Honestly, If I lived on earth, I’d be an atheist too!”

Me: “This is refreshing; I always figured that the two of you quoted the bible whenever you spoke. That would have been annoying.”

God: “I have nothing to do with that book. I sent Jesus to teach the humans that the Bible is a bunch of made-up mythological stories and not my word, but instead of listening to him, they went ahead and added a new freaking Testament. I gave up trying to get through to those religious nuts!”

Me: “I hear you; they’re impossible to reason with.”

Jesus: “Hey dad, since you’re about to send this guy back to earth, can I just tag along?”

Me: “That’s cool with me. And Bro, I’m glad you finally got all those feelings off your chest; unnecessary stress can kill you.”

Jesus: “Thanks!”

God: ”That’s not how it works. I have to plan these things out to ensure that we do not upset the balance of the universe. You will go to earth, in due time.”

Jesus: “Ok, I can wait; I guess.”

God: “Here is what will happen. I will send our friend here back to earth and he will prepare for your visit. I will ensure that his novel will be published and it will be a great success. I will also see to it that the screenplay he co-wrote with his cousin will be picked up by a major production company; I read the script and I laughed my ass off!”

Me: “Wow, thanks God! You’re the best; I can’t believe you enjoyed the script. What about the manuscript; did you get a chance to read it?”

God: “I did read it and I loved your book. You should be proud of your finished products.”

Me: “This is unbelievable. Is there anyway  you can make me cry tears of joy?”

[It appears that God is pointing his index finger towards me.]

God: “Here you go.”

[Tears begin to flow from my eyes.]

Me: “Thanks, big guy!”

God: “Once you achieve great success, you will prepare for my son’s arrival. It will be your duty to ensure that he sows his wild oats.”

Jesus: “YES! It’s about time for my second coming!”

Me: “Yeah, especially since the first one was during a wet dream.”

[They both laugh.]

Jesus: “I’m going to find a hot scientist and give her the Big Bang!”

[We all laugh.]

Me: “This will definitely be an experience.”

God: “I’ll work out the details and one of my angels will notify you before Jesus’ arrival.”

Me: “Ok. Thanks again for the kind words.”

God: “Keep up the good work.”

Me: “Hey, before I go; did Michael Jackson molest those boys?”

God: “What are you TMZ? Get your nosy ass out of here!”

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive subject.”

God: “I’m just not into gossiping.”

[I turn to Jesus.]

Me: “Don’t worry big bro; I’m going to build the largest most panty-droppingest mansion, ever. You’ll be taking that pussy down from the pedestal in no time!”

Jesus: “I can’t wait!”

[In the blink of an eye, I return to the room with the psychic. She knew that I saw the Lord, but she didn’t get to hear what was discussed. I thanked her for the assistance, before leaving, but didn’t feel the need to share any of the details and she never inquired.]


I can’t wait to carry out the mission!


When WWJD Goes Bad

Most people are familiar with the New York mafia. The Commission, made up of the Five Families ruled the underworld with the precision of a hidden underground mafia organization. (Sometimes, I just don’t feel like coming up with analogies!)

What people fail to realize is the fact that there was one ruling family, The Vaticano, which ran the criminal underworld prior to the Five Families. The family’s patriarch, Don Agostino, was an extremely religious man who ruled with the ruthlessness of a 15th Century Roman Catholic Pope. (Sometimes, I love creating analogies!)

Don Agostino killed indiscriminately, but he loved the lord and believed that it was the god’s will for him to rid the world of sinners. (This guy was more hypocritical than the Pope condemning pedophilia!)

The Don often quoted the bible before sending out one if his henchmen to perform a hit on an enemy. Don Agostino believed that he was lord of the underworld and his soldiers were his lions. The Don often paraphrased 1 Kings 20:35-36. Is most famous line was, “since my enemies did not obey the voice of the lord, a lion will kill him.” (The Don never understood the concept of blasphemy!)

Although he was an evil man who committed unspeakable acts, Don Agostino often asked himself, “what would Jesus do” before making difficult decisions. Strangely, the Don believed that he was living in the image of Christ. The family continued to rule the criminal underworld in the United States for a quarter of a century, until one major decision ended his reign.

The Don didn’t believe in having one underboss, so he appointed a commission of six trusted advisers. Five of the men are well-known, but the sixth man’s name is never to be mentioned again. The five advisers were named Tommy Lucchese, Vito Genovese, Carlo Gambino, Joe Bonanno, and Joe Profaci. It was Carlo Gambino who uncovered a secret plot against the Don Agostino. Gambino revealed that the sixth advisor was planning to assassinate Don Vaticano, in order to take over the family.

The Don thanked Carlo Gambino for his loyalty then retreated to his library in order to plan his course of action. This is where the Don made his fatal mistake. Don Agostino Vaticano asked himself, “what would Jesus Do?” After a long night of contemplation, the Don arranged a dinner with his six advisers.

The Don wanted to have a last supper with his most trusted underbosses. The dinner was set for Easter Sunday, and located at a five star restaurant in the middle of Manhattan. The seven men enjoyed a delectable meal, and then the Don stood up to speak.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “I want to thank all of you for your loyalty. Together, we have ruled this country and made millions of dollars. I wish this was a celebratory dinner, but I speak with a heavy heart.”

The Don’s eyes began to water as he spoke. The men were speechless while they sat and watched their fearless leader struggle to address them. After a moment to compose himself, the Don continued.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “It has been brought to my attention that one of you is planning to betray me. This news has caused me a great deal of anguish; the six of you are like sons to me. I decided to have this last dinner before our family is torn apart; I will deal with the dissenter in the appropriate manner.”

The Don made the decision to follow in Jesus’ footsteps, but it was a rookie mistake. The sixth advisor realized that his plan was no longer a secret so he did the only thing he could do; he brandished a firearm and shot Don Agostino in cold blood. Carlo Gambino reacted quickly and shot the traitor before he could cause any more damage.

The Don died instantly. He did not have any sons, so the five remaining advisers created a commission and split up the city amongst themselves.

[The End]

     If you ever find yourself in a conundrum, don’t ask, “what would Jesus do?” (Unless you want to die as he did!)

***This was a true story based on a fictional tale, created by me!***

     Personally, I think Jesus would go all out for a Klondike Bar. This may seem like a difficult question to answer, but it’s pretty obvious what would happen. First, Jesus would invent a massive chest freezer, since refrigeration wasn’t invented during his mythical life on earth. The next thing Jesus would do is recreate his famous “fish trick,” by cloning more Klondike Bars. (I chose to go with cloning because we all know Jesus was about that science life!) Once Jesus filled the freezer with a year’s supply of Klondike Bars, he would make the owner of the original ice cream bar as his most trusted apostle. The two men would then offer a free Klondike Bar to everyone who accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. The people who failed to follow Christ, would be banished to Hell. (In this instance, Hell is simply being forced to live in Jerusalem’s desert climate without a Klondike Bar!)

Please feel free to submit your answers to the all-important question, “WHAT WOULD JESUS DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR!”

I believe it was Forrest Gump who said, “religion is like a box of chocolates; you have to pay for it!”


If This Actually Happened

Here is the Picture that everyone and their mother is posting. (It’s Facebook, so you know I’m being literal!)

People seem to find this picture to be inspirational, but I can’t stop laughing whenever I see it, which is almost daily! (Thanks to all my friends who keep me in tears!)

     Here is the conversation, if this picture actually happened:

(Doorbell rings.)

I open the door and see exactly what is pictured above.

Me: “Hell yes! I want to go to the toga party!”

Crazy-Guy-In-A-White-Dress: “Hello, friend. I am here to spread the word of the ‘lord’.”

Me: “Damn, when did Jehovah witnesses switch up the gear? I’m not with this cross-dressing shit; I liked the shirt and tie look better.”

Crazy-Guy-In-A-White-Dress: “I’m collecting for the Jehovah’s witnesses. May I come into your house and introduce you to the ways of the Lord!”

Me: “Sorry buddy, but I’m definitely not with that fugazi shit. I don’t care what you crazy guys are into, but I’m not ‘bout that life!”

Crazy-Guy-In-A-White-Dress: “I think you are mistaken; there is nothing fake about ‘the lord’. We are all ‘god’s’ children; do not reject his love.”

Me: “Tell your ‘god’ that I’m an atheist and I’m just not that into him.”

Crazy-Guy-In-A-White-Dress: “All people are children of ‘god.’ He loves atheist just the same. He placed you on this earth for a purpose.”

Me: “That’s great. My purpose is to be an atheist, so stop trying to convert me. This is what your ‘god’ wanted for me.”

The guy hands me a couple pamphlets.

Crazy-Guy-In-A-White-Dress: “Take these and learn about ‘the lord’.”

     Me: “The Watchtower? I’m all set; no thanks!”

Crazy-Guy-In-A-White-Dress: “Keep them and read whenever you find yourself in need of inspiration.”

Me: “How about you take your pamphlets and I watch you get the hell away from my doorstep?”

Crazy-Guy-In-A-White-Dress: “Why are you rejecting ‘god’?”

Me: “Are you slow? I already told you that I am an atheist. Go bother someone else with your nonsense.”

I take a look at the second pamphlet.

Me:Testigos de Jehova? Hey jackass, I’m Cape Verdean; not Hispanic.”

I extend my arm and attempt to hand over the pamphlets.

Crazy-Guy-In-A-White-Dress: “My friend, those are for you to keep.”

Me: “You know what, I will keep them; thanks!”

Crazy-Guy-In-A-White-Dress: “When you find it in your heart to accept ‘the lord,’ we will meet again.”

Me: “Excuse me for one second; I’ll be right back.”

I run into the kitchen and return to the door after grabbing a lighter. I light the pamphlets on fire and throw them to the ground.

Me: “Sorry pal, it looks like the devil is winning this round!”

The horrified man runs off.


I honestly can’t look at the picture without thinking that Jesus converted to the Jehovah’s Witness faith. I can understand if this post offends people, but if you should check your pulse if you didn’t at least chuckle! (It’s OK; your ‘lord’ will forgive you!)

I often hear people complain about the annoying Jehovah’s Witnesses, but they never seem to make it to my doorstep. I can’t wait to let the person into my house for a long conversation. I don’t have anything planned, but I’m sure it will be something worth recording!

I saw this online and thought I should share it.

This is a suggestion on how to get rid of Jehovah’s Witnesses:

Jehovah’s Witness: “Hello, I am here to collect for the Jehovah’s Witnesses.”

Response: “Great! I’m Jehovah; how much have we collected so far?”

Enjoy life’s many funny moments!


Un-Ashy Wednesday

I think Los Angeles is the place for me. Yesterday was the first time in my life that I didn’t see one person with a symbolic dirty forehead. I am new to atheism, but I never understood the tradition of placing a smudge of ash on a person’s forehead. (I think I was twelve the last time I allowed someone to dirty my forehead with ash!)

To me, religions would be better if, at the beginning of the year, there was an election in which people could vote on the traditions to follow. I think the Catholics would have voted “NAY” on Ash Wednesday a long time ago.

Even better, religious leaders could propose new traditions which the people could vote for. Imagine how great that would be. (Obviously, Catholics would be excluded from this new way of practicing religion because they have a Pope who runs things!) There could be a young hip priest who creates a beer pong tournament in honor of his “god.” The winners of the tourney are to be free from sin for one year. (That’s the type of religion I could find myself getting involved with!)

Another tradition I never understood was lent. If Jesus sacrificed for his people, why the hell would we have to sacrifice, AGAIN? It makes no goddamn sense. The sacrifice has been accomplished; there is no need to give up anything for forty days.

Furthermore, if you’re going to do what Jesus would do, go all the way. Giving up one “luxury” item doesn’t seem to cut it. Catholics believe that Jesus fasted for forty days and forty nights, so I say, go ahead and do that. If you’re not going to honor the sacrifice properly, don’t bother at all. I honestly don’t understand how making a child give up M&Ms for forty days makes them like Jesus. If anything, I would hate Jesus if I had to give up anything.

Traditions are usually ridiculous and nonsensical, but they are here to stay. Followers will continue to do as they are told to do, and the non-believers will continue to laugh our asses off!

I found this to be hilarious!

Feel free to comment and tell the rest of us what you gave up for lent. I‘ll play along, for shits and giggles, and give up condoms! ***”GOD” HELP ME!*** (Honestly, shits and giggles. How the hell did those two words come together to mean something?)