The Second Coming

Part II {Read the first part in the previous post. An Overdue Conversation}

 

I’m fresh up out my coma…

I got my Momma and my Daddy and my homies in my co’na…

It’s gonna take a miracle they say…

For me to walk again and talk again but anyway…

I get, fronted some KIs…

To get, back on my feet…

And everything the homie said came to reality…

Living like a baller loc…

Having money, and blowing hella chronic smoke…

I bought my Momma a Benz, and bought my boo boo a Jag…

And now I’m rolling in a nine-trizzay L Dogg Rag…

Wait a minute. Those are the lyrics to Snoop’s ‘Murder Was The Case.’ Sorry about that…points off my grade.

Everything promised, to me, came true. Obviously, the big guy is no liar; we all know he is great and powerful. Especially after he saved that Dorothy chick and her little dog!

****** (Most people credit Paris Hilton with creating the little doggy trend, but Dorothy was the true O.G. when it comes to rolling with a miniature pup. She also started the red bottoms craze…that girl was way ahead of her time.) ******

I sat on the balcony of my beach front mansion and watched the waves crash into the unlucky bathers who are probably wishing that the Pacific Ocean was a few degrees warmer. As I sat thinking of a billion dollar invention to heat up the shark infested water, a star appeared in the sky. I was amazed at how bright it was. The star wasn’t brighter than the others; it was the only visible light through the thick Los Angeles fog. For a few seconds, it appeared that the star was getting closer, and the light grew blinding.

Little did I know; this was no star. I was being visited by an angel.

Angel: “God evening.”

Me: “Hello. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Angel: “I am angel.”

Me: “I am human.”

Angel: “No, moron. My name is Angel.”

Me: “Oh…my bad. I was wondering why god sent a slow angel.”

Angel: “Don’t you mean retarded angel?”

Me: “No. You can’t say that word; it offends people.”

Angel: “You know I can read your mind; I know you wanted to say ‘retarded.’”

[I laugh.]

Me: “So, when is Jesus coming…no homo?”

Angel: “Don’t you mean ‘when is he coming…extra homo?’ You know I can read your mind.”

[We laugh.]

Me: “Definitely not. Keep on playing and I’ll send him back an extra virgin.”

[He laughs.]

Angel: “Ok. I guess there isn’t really anything to do, other than give you his arrival date since you seem prepared.”

Me: “Great! What day?”

Angel: “He will be here tomorrow.”

[The angel disappears.]

I didn’t sleep well that night. The anticipation of Jesus returning to earth was too much excitement. It only makes sense for the big guy to choose me as The Christ Chaperone…I guess I am the second coming of the apostle Peter. Unlike the previous guy, I am not sharing the limelight with anyone else.

I was awakened by a bright light. I struggled to open my eyes, but I was finally able to make out a man standing at the foot of my bed. He appeared to be of Indian decent.

Me: “Who the hell are you?”

Figure: “It’s me, Jesus.”

Me: “Why the hell did you choose to be Indian? Do you not know that most of the billion citizens are not Catholics? You’re definitely not a big deal over there.”

Jesus: “Of course I know. I’m going to convert them once they see my new face.”

Me: “That’s actually a great idea.”

Jesus: “Yeah, dad knows what he is doing.”

Me: “I’ve been waiting for you. I hope you’re ready! I have a slut in the other room and she is ready to yell out your dad’s name.”

Jesus: “What? That’s too early…I’m not ready right now.”

ME: “WHAT? I can’t believe you’re freezing up again. You’re dad is going to be pissed.”

Jesus: “I’m not freezing up…I just want to do it with a girl I choose.”

Me: “How long is that going to take?”

Jesus: “I don’t know…maybe a couple nights.”

[I start laughing.]

Me: “I’m just messing with you.”

Jesus: “Oh…yeah; I knew that.”

Me: “Sure! I see that you didn’t get any of that ‘all knowing’ stuff from your dad. You definitely got your smarts from your uneducated mother.”

Jesus: “Who said my mother was uneducated?”

Me: “C’mon. Everyone knows women didn’t go to school back in those days.”

[I wink.]

Me: “The good O’le days!”

Jesus: “The what?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding.”

Jesus: “What are you going to do when you end up in Heaven and have to face my mother.”

Me: “Not sure…depends if she is a M.I.L.F. or not!”

[He grows angry.]

Jesus: “What did you just say?”

[I can’t help but laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding…I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

Jesus: “I’m not sensitive; I just didn’t hear what you said. I have had trouble hearing from my left ear, since the crucifixion.”

Me: “Oh, damn. I didn’t know. Why can’t your dad fix it?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You’re an idiot. I have the power to perform miracles and you think I have a bad ear?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m definitely slipping.”

Jesus: “No…you’re just dumb.”

Me: “Let’s go do something.”

Jesus: “It’s your town. You tell me what we’re going to do.”

Me: “Actually, your dad pretty much owns the entire universe so it’s really your town.”

Jesus: “Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should trust an idiot with this decision; ths is my first night.”

[I begin to sing.]

Me: “If I could walk on water, would you believe in me.”

[He shakes his head.]

Jesus: “I hate that fucking song.”

Me: “First of all, the song is great, and secondly, who the hell said you can curse?”

Jesus: “I can do whatever the hell I want. What are you my mom?”

Me: “No, but I am your chaperone and you will respect me.”

Jesus grows larger and spreads his arms out over his head and begins to yell.

Jesus: “You shall Respect ME!”

For a second, the room goes black. Suddenly, I seem to be tiny. I look in the mirror and discover that I am now a ladybug.

Me: “Change me back or…”

Jesus: “Or what?”

Me: “Or…or I will not help you get laid. I’ll tell women that you are a virgin. Annnnd a pedophile.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I’m not a fucking pedophile.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “It’s going to take some time for me to get used to you swearing.”

Jesus: “It’s not that big a deal.”

Me: “Yes it is. And yes, you are a pedophile.”

Jesus: “You’re an idiot.”

Me: “Ok, you’re not a pedophile, but your priests are.”

Jesus: “They’re not my fucking priests.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “C’mon. Just change me back.”

Jesus: “Ok. But first, you have to beg.”

Me: “Just change me back.”

He crosses his arms and bows his head quickly. I turn back into myself.

Me: “What the hell! Did you just pull a genie move from the television show?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You know it.”

Me: “Seriously. We have to set rules, because I’m not dealing with that type of nonsense.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “Now look at who is sensitive.”

Me: “Ok, we don’t need rules, but you can’t abuse me. I’m trying to help you out.”

Jesus: “Alright, I get what you are saying.”

Me: “Cool! Let’s go, jerk.”

Jesus: “What did I do to deserve that?”

[We laugh.]

The night turned out to be a success. We got some food then hit up a few bars in Hollywood. Jesus was a big hit, and it appeared that he was ready to lose his virginity.

The following morning, I woke up early and made some breakfast.

Jesus: “That smells good. What did you make for breakfast?”

Me: “Some eggs, bacon and home fries.”

Jesus: “Sounds good…I’m starving.”

Me: “Yeah, I woke up feeling the same way.”

Jesus: “Where is my plate?”

Me: “I didn’t make any for you.”

Jesus: “What the hell?”

[I shrug my shoulders and continue to eat.]

Jesus: “Why didn’t you make some for me?”

Me: “It’s every man for himself around here.”

Jesus: “That is very selfish of you, but not a problem.”

[A plate of food appears on the table.]

Me: “Must be nice!”

Jesus: “Yup!”

Me: “Did you have fun last night?”

Jesus: “Yeah. It was great.”

Me: “Did you see anything worth a poke?”

Jesus: “On Facebook?”

[I shake my head in disapproval.]

Jesus: “Sorry, but I had to.”

Me: “I guess.”

Jesus: “I did like the girl from the pizza place.”

Me: “Oh yeah! I completely forgot about her. You stole my phone and texted her all night. You missed out on some hot chicks.”

Jesus: “Not really. I like Cece.”

Me: “So is she the one?”

Jesus: “Yeah, I think so.”

Me: “When is it going down? Or should I say, when is she going down?”

Jesus: “She’s not some random whore…I’m going to take her out on a proper date and let things happen as they will.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s exactly what I said. Let me rephrase. When are you going to bang the slut?”

[He gets annoyed and shakes his head disapprovingly.]

Jesus: “You’re a moron.”

Me: “When is the date?”

Jesus: “I’m meeting her this afternoon, and we’re going to hang out all day.”

Me: “Sounds like a lot of work. If I had the power to perform miracles, I’d be on chick number 17 by now.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I don’t think we are looking for the same thing.”

Me: “You’re right about that. I have no desire to land in the friend zone.”

[He shakes his head.]

 

Jesus left the mansion to go on his date with Cece. I waited up all night, but he never returned. The following afternoon, I decided to sit by the pool until he finally arrived.

Me: “There he is. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something different about you.”

Jesus: “No. I’m exactly the same.”

Me: “Are you serious? What the hell did you do…spend the night and read Bible versus to each other?”

Jesus: “No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “What happened? Did you freeze up?”

Jesus: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about what happens between me and Cece.”

Me: “You mean Cece and I.”

[Jesus is annoyed.]

Jesus: “Ha ha. What is that…a you banged Cece joke?”

Me: “No, I was correcting your grammar. You said me and Cece, but you are supposed to say Cece and I. You are truly your mother’s son.”

Jesus: “Who cares. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “Are you fucking kidding me? You are going to tell me every single detail, or I’m calling your dad.”

Jesus: “How do you plan on doing that?”

Me: “I don’t know…pray, I guess.”

Jesus: “If you must know, I am no longer a virgin.”

Me: “Are you serious? I can’t believe it…my little boy is a man.”

[I wipe away fake tears.]

Jesus: “It was the greatest night of my life.”

Me: “Better than the crucifixion?”

[I laugh.]

Jesus: “You’re the dumbest person I know.”

Me: “What happened?”

Jesus: “I’m not going into personal details. All you need to know is that I performed and she was satisfied. P.S. I am no minute man…Lionel Richie was definitely singing All night long.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I need some details.”

Jesus: “I can tell you that I plan on hanging around for a while.”

Me: “What? What the hell are you talking about”? Don’t tell me you fell in love.”

Jesus: “Cece is great and she has some great ideas.”

Me: “What kind of ideas?”

Jesus: “We were talking and I want to have a son; he will be the next Messiah.”

Me: “Son? Tell me you strapped up.”

Jesus: “You think I waited two thousand years to wear a condom?”

Me: “JESUS CHRIST! I hope you pulled out.”

Jesus: “Of course not. She is on the pill.”

Me: “Oh my GOD! You’re dumber than I thought. That’s what all the groupie whores say.”

Jesus: “She isn’t a whore.”

Me: “I can’t believe this chick might be pregnant.”

Jesus: “There is no might. If I want her to be pregnant she will be, but if I don’t want her to be pregnant, there will be no child.”

Me: “What the hell? I thought your church was against abortion.”

Jesus: “It’s not an abortion.”

Me: “Whatever you say buddy. Sounds like an abortion to me. Good for you.”

Jesus: “You’re a complete idiot.”

Me: “Can you please explain to me why the hell you want to have a child with this chick?”

Jesus: “If I have a son, he can help to convert the non-Christians and bring the entire world together.”

Me: “That’s a dumb idea.”

Jesus: “It’s Cece’s idea and it’s great.”

Me: “I can’t believe this. Two thousand years and you finally get some pussy and you lose your damn mind.”

Jesus: “You’re too dumb to understand the importance of me having a child.”

Me: “You don’t even know this chick and you’re ready to make her the mother of the next Messiah? What’s her real name…I need to do a little background check.”

Jesus: “For what?”

Me: “Because you were born from a virgin and we don’t need your son born from some Biblical groupie slut.”

Jesus: “You don’t even know her.”

Me: “Neither do you.”

Jesus: “Give me your phone.”

[He enters her name and loads her Facebook profile.]

Jesus: “Here.”

Me: “Good! At least you know her name. Let me see. Damn, her page is private.”

Jesus: “Check again.”

Me: “Jeez, you can really do whatever you want.”

Jesus: “Not really. You don’t see me killing you.”

Me: “Relax, I am on your side.”

Jesus: “I can’t wait to tell my dad about Cece’s plan.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Jesus: “Why not?”

[I hand him my phone.]

Jesus: “What the hell is this?”

Me: “That’s Cece’s ass and half of those comments are from guys who clearly have tapped it.”

Jesus: “That’s not necessarily true.”

Me: “NO? Why don’t you call her and ask?”

Jesus: “No problem.”

[He takes the phone and enters the house. He then returns after a long conversation.]

Jesus: “This sucks!”

Me: “What?”

Jesus: “She’s a fucking whore.”

Me: “She admitted it?”

Jesus: “It’s kind of hard for people to lie to me.”

Me: “Oh yeah. Wait…I’m confused. How did you not see this with all of your super powers?”

Jesus: “I don’t know. I guess my mind was clouded because of the sex.”

Me: “Yeah. That makes sense. What did she say.”

Jesus: “She planned on getting pregnant and making me grant her wishes instead of child support.”

Me: “What the hell did she think…that you were the Genie from Aladdin?”

[We both laugh.]

Jesus: “I don’t know, but some of you humans are fucked up people. I think I’m ready to go back. I don’t want to risk sleeping with some super whore who strips me of all my powers.”

[I laugh.]

Me: I don’t think you have to leave, just remember to let your dad do the planning from now on. You’re definitely your mother’s son.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I can’t wait until you have to face her.”

Me: “She seems like a nice lady…I think I will be alright.”

Jesus: “I’ll sleep on it and think about staying.”

Me: “Stay a little longer and we’ll have a blast.”

Jesus: “We’ll see.”

{The End}
@PeteTeix617

 

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An Overdue Conversation

A few days ago, I found this post which is supposed to be part one of two, but I forgot to continue. The desire to write has resurfaced, so I have re-posted this story and will finally finish the second part. (Hope I still have it.)

[Original Story]

I’m skeptical when it comes to psychics but I decided to give the experience a try and see what all the hype was about. I drove to Hollywood and found a “reputable” medium to help me uncover the world of the unknown.

I don’t really have any desire to know what will happen in my future so there was no point in going down that path. I did have some questions that I wanted answered, but there was no need for me to ask any of them; the psychic already had something planned for me.

“I will answer the main question that has plagued you for most of your life.” She said confidently.

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and I seriously thought about demanding my money back and storming out of the cuckoo’s nest, but curiosity got the best of me. (Thank goodness I’m not a cat!)

After a few minutes of preparation, the psychic held my hands and asked me to close my eyes. I followed several more instructions and eventually found myself in the middle of an out-of-body experience.

Before I knew it, I was in a strange place. There was no furniture because the floor was comfortable enough to either lie on or sit; I never experienced a more relaxing setting. There was a woman stroking a harp in one corner, but she did not seem to notice my arrival. The walls seemed to be made up of some weird reinforced cloud material. They were deceptively strong but soft to the touch. Leaning up against the wall felt like jumping onto a five thousand thread count comforter atop a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

Initially, I thought that I was the only other person in the room, but after gathering my bearings I realized that there were two beings at the other end of the room. I couldn’t make out their form, but these two were clearly not human beings. I wasn’t sure if I should approach them, but I didn’t have a choice so I walked to where they were standing.

When I got within earshot I said hello, but they didn’t seem to hear me. It turns out that these two were in the middle of a conversation. I wasn’t sure if they could see me or if I was invisible. Their bodies were made out of what appeared to be a mist, which continued to take different forms. One of the beings was about twice the size of the other and changed shapes more frequently.

I didn’t want to be nosy, but there was nothing I could do other than sit on the comfortable floor and wait until they were done talking.

Here is what I heard.

Being 1: “What is it now; why are you always angry? You’re the only person here who is never happy.”

Being2: “Nothing is wrong. Anyway, I thought you knew everything?”

Being1: “I can’t take it anymore. You’ve been angry for two thousand years but recently, you’ve been unbearable. What is bothering you?”

Being2: “You never apologized for making me go through unspeakable pain. You have no idea what it was like.”

Being1: “I thought we discussed this? You agreed to make the sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

Being2: “I know I agreed, but I feel like you didn’t appreciate what I did.”

Being1: “Of course I appreciate it. There are monuments all over the world dedicated to your memory. What more do you want? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

[As I sat on the floor, I realized who these beings were. I was in the presence of God and Jesus. I couldn’t believe it!]

Jesus: “The crucifixion was horrible, but that’s not what is really bothering me.”

God: “Then what is it?”

Jesus: “I don’t want to talk about it because you wouldn’t understand.”

God: “After two thousand years of you being angry, there is no way I’m dropping this now; tell me why you’re angry.”

Jesus: “Why did I have to die a virgin?”

God: “What?”

Jesus: “On earth. You sent me to save the human souls, and I didn’t get to enjoy the entire experience.”

God: “Is that what has been bothering you all these years?”

Jesus: “Yes! Seriously, what was the point? I sacrificed my life by dying the most excruciating death, and for what; all we are left with is a Church whose leadership is full of pedophiles and pedophile sympathizers. I feel cheated.”

God: “I understand that things haven’t exactly worked out, but why are you mad at me? I never said you couldn’t have sex.”

Jesus: “You never said it but you implied it with all that ‘set an example’ talk.”

God: “I said set an example, but I never placed a restriction on sex. I understand that you are frustrated, but don’t try and blame me; you could have slept with whichever woman you desired.”

Jesus: “I guess you’re right; I only have myself to blame.”

God: “I always wondered why you didn’t sleep with any women. I figured you didn’t have any interest. You were always around so many men; there was one point I actually thought you were gay.”

Jesus : ”I wasn’t gay; I just had trouble speaking when I was in the company of a beautiful woman. I never knew how to break the ice.”

God: “Are you kidding me? I gave you the power to perform miracles. You could have had any woman you wanted. I can’t count how many times I saw you pass up some of my best work.”

Jesus: “For many years, I didn’t understand it either, but after watching the Forty Year-Old Virgin, I realized that I was putting the pussy on a pedestal. The sad thing is, I never discovered how to stop glorifying the pussy.”

God: “What do you mean?”

Jesus: “I waited so long to have sex that it eventually became an unattainable goal. My friends tried to tell me that I was overthinking things but I was too afraid to take the first step. I always got too nervous”

God: “Why didn’t you just have one of the guys bring someone for you? Your apostles were some serious players; between the group, I think half of Jerusalem went down.”

Jesus: “Yeah, Simon slept next door and he never had a night off. It’s not fair; I want to go back so I can have an orgasm.”

God: “I knew you never had sex, but I didn’t know you never had an orgasm.”

Jesus: “Well, I kind of had one.”

God: “What do you mean kind of?”

Jesus: “There was this one time that I woke up from a wet dream; it was horrible.”

God: “Were you scared because it was the first time you saw semen?”

Jesus: “No. The guys already explained that to me. I said it was horrible because it was my first orgasm and I missed it. Do you know how frustrating it is to wake up, drenched in your own jizz, and completely missing out on the orgasm? It fucking sucks, dad!”

God: “Yeah, I guess that is pretty bad.”

Jesus: “It always bothered me that I never had sex, but recently it’s been unbearable; these humans are out of control. I can’t take it anymore. Do you not see how these people are living? With all these tiny cameras and smart phones, a new porn star is made every other minute of the day. I can’t look at earth for a second without seeing some slut, whooping it up and showing the goods! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT PUSSY FEELS LIKE!”

God: “Yeah, I feel like it’s Sodom and Gomorra all over again?”

Jesus: “Did you ever have sex?”

God: “Of course. I definitely took the form of a human being and slept with a few women in my early years.”

Jesus: “Can I go back? I need to have sex!”

God: “You’re my son and I want you to be happy, but what happens if I send you back and you freeze up?”

Jesus: “Are you kidding me? There is no way I’ll freeze up. If you send me back, I’ll bang everything in sight; it’s a completely different world; women are sleeping with men for cheeseburgers.”

[I let out a loud sneeze and the two beings turn to face me.]

Jesus: “My dad blesses you.”

Me: “Thanks.”

God: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “I went to see a psychic and she sent me here. I guess she wanted me to see that you were real. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation, but when I said hello, no one seemed to notice me.”

God: “Is there anything you need to know before I send you back?”

Me: “Yeah! I’ve been an atheist for some time now and I’m wondering if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to enter Heaven when I die?”

God: “Of course. I’m not happy with the religions of the world. Most of those people will be taking the elevator to the ground level after they die. Honestly, if I lived on earth, I’d be an atheist too!”

Jesus: “Hey dad, since you’re about to send this guy back to earth, can I just tag along?”

Me: “That’s cool with me.”

God: ”That’s not how it works. I have to plan these things out to ensure that we do not upset the balance of the universe. You will go to earth in due time.”

Jesus: “Ok, I can wait; I guess.”

God: “Here is what will happen. I will send our friend here back to earth and he will prepare for your visit. I will ensure that his novel will be published and it will be a great success. I will also see to it that the screenplay he co-wrote with his cousin will be picked up by a major production company; I read the script and I laughed my ass off!”

Me: “Wow, thanks God! You’re the best; I can’t believe you enjoyed the script. What about the manuscript; did you get a chance to read it?”

God: “I did read it and I loved the book. You should be proud of the finished products.”

Me: “This is unbelievable. Is there any way you can make me cry tears of joy?”

[It appears that God is pointing his index finger towards me.]

God: “Here you go.”

[Tears begin to flow from my eyes.]

Me: “Thanks, big guy!”

God: “Once you achieve great success, you will prepare for my son’s arrival. It will be your duty to ensure that he sows his wild oats.”

Jesus: “YES! It’s about time for my second coming!”

Me: “Yeah, especially since the first one was during a wet dream.”

[They both laugh.]

Jesus: “I’m going to find a hot scientist and give her the Big Bang!”

[We all laugh.]

Me: “This will be an experience.”

God: “I’ll work out the details and one of my angels will notify you before Jesus’ arrival.”

Me: “Ok. Thanks again for the kind words.”

God: “Keep up the good work.”

Me: “Hey, before I go; did Michael Jackson molest those boys?”

God: “What are you TMZ? Get your nosy ass out of here!”

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive subject.”

In the blink of an eye, I return to the room with the psychic. She knew that I saw the Lord, but she didn’t get to hear what was discussed. I thanked her for her assistance before leaving. I didn’t feel the need to share any of the details with her and she never inquired.

I can’t wait to carry out the mission!

{To be continued.}…on the next post! The Second Coming

 

@PeteTeix617

Terrifying Brown

     I do not have a reason for my absence; I simply allowed my laziness to take over. I’m not sure how frequently I will post, but I felt the urge to write an entry, today, so here goes.

     On a recent flight to Boston, I brought along a book of short stories by Stephen King. I guess you can say he inspired this post, but the truth is I had the crap scared out of me. For those of you, who frighten easily, do not continue reading.

     The move to Burbank has been absolutely wonderful, UNTIL this morning. I’m not like the typical person; I don’t hate Mondays and I don’t look forward to Fridays. I guess you can say I don’t hate my job. I woke this morning and did what I always do; I checked the forecast, in order to prepare a proper outfit. (Just kidding! The weather in Southern California is always great!)

     My morning ritual is basically the same each day; I jog a few miles to the summit of the Verdugo Mountains. Luckily, I always seem to reach the peak just before sunrise. There is no better way to start the day! Once I receive a sufficient amount of solar energy, I head east, towards the local food bank. I’ve been blessed by my lord and savior and it is only right for me to return the favor by helping out the needy.

     I’m sorry; I definitely confused my morning ritual with someone else’s. I get ready, hop in the car, and hit the highway (I apologize to my fellow Californians; I meant to say freeway!) with my head on a swivel, watching for cops, as I speed my way down Interstate 5! (I don’t know why I thought I was a jogger!)

     The day began like any other, until I reached for a shirt. I don’t know if there are real superheroes in the world, but I definitely have superpowers. Unfortunately for me, it’s a gift and a curse. No matter where I am, I can spot any trespassing insect.

     Utilizing my hyper-sensitive peripheral vision, I noticed a creepy crawler walking up the wall. Although the lighting wasn’t optimal, I had no trouble spotting the intruder, since the closet walls are white.

     I moved in closer, in order to identify the trespasser; a brown spider. I’m not a native of Southern California, nor am I a herpetologist or one who studies arachnology, so there was no way for me to determine if this was a full-grown arachnid or an up-and-coming killer. (FYI: Herpetologists are not people who have sex with those infected with Herpes in order to understand the disease. People who have sex with those infected with Herpes in order to study the disease are sick!)

     I know I should have simply asked “god” to forgive me my trespasses as I forgive this spider who trespasses against me, but I’m an atheist, so I know there is no “god” to assist in these circumstances. Furthermore, I am a certified “spider serial killer.” I see a spider, I kill a spider. (There was one recent incident where I allowed a spider to live, but that was outdoors. Initially, I wanted to kill “god’s” eight-legged creation!)

     Once I assessed the situation, I was certain that this spider deserved to die. (To avoid any confusion, any spider located inside of my living space deserves to die a horrible death!) I grabbed my Adidas slippers and prepared to deliver the death-blow. (Ironically, all I could think was, “Just Do It!”)

     That’s when the most unimaginable thing happened. The Mother-F-ing spider jumped from his perched position, halfway up the wall, onto the carpet.

     I couldn’t freaking believe it!

     I know what you are thinking, “What’s the big deal?”

     I’ll tell you what the big deal is. The dumbass spider, a known killer, was brown. My freaking dumbass carpet, chosen by my landlord who is clearly trying to kill me since she apparently never got over the East coast West coast rap beef, is the same exact brown. Coincidence? I think not; I WAS DEAD!

     All I could do was channel my inner Nancy Kerrigan and yell out, “WHY ME! WHY ME!”

     Seriously, what the hell just happened? We’re not even in Los Angeles so why the heck did this spider decide to turn into Blake Griffin?

     I did all that I could to locate this amazing half-spider /half-chameleon, part-time dunk champion, but there was nothing I could do other than to come to grips with the fact that this trespasser was preparing to launch a nighttime attack, later that evening.

     Defeated, I prepared to leave the house, never thinking about the safety of my cousin, who was asleep in the other room. The way I saw it, “better him than me!”

     Just when I thought I was a dead man walking, the idiot spider made a fatal mistake. She (I might as well make this villain a woman!) crawled up the wall. There was no hesitation, this time. I attacked with deadly force, catching the spider on the left temple. (Yeah, I’m a spider killing ninja assassin!) The spider died on impact, and I was free to live another day.

     I was victorious on this occasion, but I am prepared to do battle once again. If I don’t survive, know that I fought with everything I had.

     My only reservation when choosing this apartment was the carpet, but I could never have imagined how much the floor-covering would negatively impact my life; I now know what lies beneath. Don’t make the same mistake I made; brown carpets are certified deathtraps! (No, the drapes do not match the carpet. We are men and we do not have drapes!) It’s definitely time for a change. Does anyone know which color best works against spider-chameleons? (While you think, I’m about to call eight-hundred, five, eight, eight, two, three, hundred, Empire, TODAY!)

     From this day forth, getting a good night sleep is completely out of the question. I’m sure most people are familiar with the UPS ads, in which potential customers are asked, “what can Brown do for you.” As of this morning, not a goddam thing!

GOVGRID SET A BROWN CARPET ROUGHBE CAREFUL!

@PeteTeix617

“God” Is Bad, All The Time

I can’t think of a more annoying phrase than, “‘God’ is good, all the time!” I’m an atheist, so this phrase is not only irritating, but it’s impossible; “god” is imaginary. Instead of just calling people who utter this phrase, idiots, I decided to use reason to prove the hollowness of this claim.

We all know “god” doesn’t exist in the real world, but he is a character in Judeo-Christian mythology. Using the bible as my source, I will show that “god” is indeed, bad. (I refer to “god” as a male because the bible was written by misogynistic storytellers who clearly wrote about a male deity. Furthermore, if the character known as “god” was a woman, the story of Jesus’ birth becomes a lesbian love affair and according to the “god-fearing” people who protest around the world, “’god’ hates gays!” ***They use a different word.***)

I have no idea at which point in history people lost their minds, but “god” has never been good. I’ll give the character some credit for creating the universe, but we can’t assume that any being that creates a universe is automatically “good.” (Especially when we know the being to be a certified jackass!)

People always give “god” credit for their “blessings” during joyous occasions, but they fail to realize that “god” has nothing to do with anything deemed to be “good.” An example of this misdirected gratitude happens whenever a person enters a hospital and is cured of some fatal disease. What people neglect to remember is the fact that “god” has always been against the advancement of human knowledge. (His followers do a good job of continuing this tradition of contra-intelligence!) If we look to the bible, it is clear that “god” doesn’t want people to be intelligent.

When the devil, the real “good” character in Judeo-Christian mythology, enters the Garden of Eden, he shares his wisdom with Adam and Eve in order to allow for them to be more self-sufficient, but “god” becomes angry. “God” doesn’t want Adam and Eve to be intelligent; he’d prefer for them to do as he says without questioning his orders. (What an evil asshole! I think it’s clear that every case of domestic violence comes from this character flaw that has been instilled in people who believe in “god.” I’ve never heard of an atheist beating on a spouse!)

The Garden of Eden story should cause people to appreciate the knowledge given to them by the devil, but somehow, the boy-touching priests were able to paint “god” as the good guy and people agreed without questioning the facts. (Clearly, it is evident that the closer someone is to “god,” the dumber they are!)

Another example of “god” being bad is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Granted, the people of these two cities were not living a “godly-life,” but death and destruction was probably a bit overboard. Instead of sending down a couple of angels and teaching the people how to improve their lives, “god” decided to just extinguish the cities; killing all of the inhabitants. (This guy is the king of “do as I say and not as I do!” “God” is a dick; whatever the hell happened to forgiveness? Did I misread the “good book,” because I swear I remember something about people forgiving others?)

Jewish people claim to be “the chosen people.” I can’t argue with that. First, “god” asks Abraham to kill his son. Then, right when the pious Abraham is about to obey orders, “god” says, “you’ve just been punk’d!” Are you kidding me? What kind of a psycho jokes around by torturing a child and his family? (We don’t have to get into the record of “god’s” church and the children the institution is entrusted to protect!)

This “god” guy is the worst CEO in the history of the world. First, he chooses the Israelites to be his people, and then he decides to abuse the hell out of them. The chosen people suffered through Egyptian slavery, being blamed for killing Jesus, the holocaust, and being blamed for killing Jesus by Mel Gibson! I get it; the chosen people were eventually rewarded for their faith, but at what cost? I’m not sure if they are thankful, but the gift seems pretty shitty to me. What did “god” give them as a reward? Honestly, the most inconsiderate gift ever; a country in the Middle East, surrounded by anti-Semitic rulers, one of whom said “Israel should be wiped off the map!” (Gee thanks, big guy. I’m sure all the suffering was worth it!)

As if abusing his chosen people wasn’t enough, this CEO went on to be the worst general manager ever. He continuously picks horrible men to lead his church. Hey dumbass, if the guy enjoys raping children, DON’T CALL HIM TO SERVE AS A PRIEST! It’s really simple but this all-powerful, all-knowing loser is so bad. Seriously, what the hell does he think is going to happen? (I don’t know which is worst, “god’s” choices or the people who CHOOSE to follow him!)

If a man is jealous, he’s a bad boyfriend. Same goes for a jealous “god;” he is a bad character in the bible. Let’s also remember some of “god’s” creations. People are always quick to point out the good ones, without giving any thought to the bad ones. Cancer, AIDS, famine, plague, chicken pox, Gigli, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, weapons of mass destruction, snow, cold-weather (Never mind; these don’t apply anymore!), death, crack, blowjobs with condoms, etc…  (Bad “god!” If only we had the ability to wipe his face in the metaphorical piss that he showers onto our newly-stained figurative hardwood floors!)

I think my point has been made. No one can argue that “god” is not bad. If I really wanted to, I could continue to point out an infinite amount of examples to show just how bad this character is, but that is not necessary. I don’t mind people believing in the bible, but at least get it right, THE DEVIL SHOULD BE YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR. The next time one of your family members survives cancer, thank the devil for providing the doctor with the intelligence to figure out a cure. (While you’re at it, don’t forget to say, “fuck you for creating cancer, bad ‘god!’”)

Oh yeah, how can I forget. The idiot appeared as a burning bush. Are you freaking kidding me? A BURNING BUSH! Do I even have to mention that burning bushes are bad? Seriously, this guy couldn’t think of anything else other than showing up as an STD? I thought Steve Carell was out of touch in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but Moses risked his life and challenged the mighty Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses, and successfully freed his people, for a burning bush. (Talk about putting the pussy on the pedestal!)

BURNING BUSH

     “GOD” IS BAD, ALL THE TIME!

@PeteTeix617