A Promise To Azfal – Published and Available

To purchase A Promise to Azfal click on either link:
Barnes and Noble


I’m excited. My first novel, A Promise to Azfal, is finally published and available to the public. Completing the book was a satisfying and fulfilling accomplishment. That being said, I was overwhelmed by the support from my family and friends. Soon, most people will receive their copies and I look forward to hearing their reviews. I definitely believe it is a wonderful story and I think many readers will be pleasantly surprised. My only hope is that everyone feels like they got their money’s worth. I am grateful for those who trusted my writing abilities and purchased a copy.

The process of completing the novel took a little longer than I planned. Firstly, I required assistance to switch from a person who writes essays for History and Anthropology courses, to someone who has the technical abilities to write a story worth reading. Creating the tale came natural to me, but the actual writing was difficult, and I received a great deal of help which I am truly thankful for.

Secondly, I moved across the country from Boston to Los Angeles, (Go Red Sox!!!) which created some challenges. I love living on the west coast, but LA is an expensive city, so I made the decision to put writing on pause while I worked to ensure that I would be able to stay in the city of angels. (I still haven’t seen one angel, but they must be here, somewhere.) At the beginning of this year, my sixth on the west, I finally felt completely settled and began the long, rewarding, process of publishing the novel.

Life threw me an off-speed pitch while I was looking for a fastball, and I barely managed to foul it off and stay at the plate. To read about my biggest challenge while creating this story, click on my past post: How Writing Helped Me Escape The Halo. I didn’t cry when I wrote the post, I promise.

Recently, I had two, once in a lifetime, experiences. The first happened when I received a package from the publisher with a copy of my novel. (An amazing day to say the least.!)It’s surreal to leaf-through a book which I created. The second incident occurred when I went online and purchased a copy of my own novel. Thanks to all who helped throughout the process. I definitely include those who were enthusiastic when I revealed that I was working on a book. A kind word goes a long way!

Please purchase a copy of the novel and be sure to contact me with a review.  You’ll enjoy it…I promise.

Thank You!

Twitter                 @PeteTeix617
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“God” Is Bad, All The Time

I can’t think of a more annoying phrase than, “‘God’ is good, all the time!” I’m an atheist, so this phrase is not only irritating, but it’s impossible; “god” is imaginary. Instead of just calling people who utter this phrase, idiots, I decided to use reason to prove the hollowness of this claim.

We all know “god” doesn’t exist in the real world, but he is a character in Judeo-Christian mythology. Using the bible as my source, I will show that “god” is indeed, bad. (I refer to “god” as a male because the bible was written by misogynistic storytellers who clearly wrote about a male deity. Furthermore, if the character known as “god” was a woman, the story of Jesus’ birth becomes a lesbian love affair and according to the “god-fearing” people who protest around the world, “’god’ hates gays!” ***They use a different word.***)

I have no idea at which point in history people lost their minds, but “god” has never been good. I’ll give the character some credit for creating the universe, but we can’t assume that any being that creates a universe is automatically “good.” (Especially when we know the being to be a certified jackass!)

People always give “god” credit for their “blessings” during joyous occasions, but they fail to realize that “god” has nothing to do with anything deemed to be “good.” An example of this misdirected gratitude happens whenever a person enters a hospital and is cured of some fatal disease. What people neglect to remember is the fact that “god” has always been against the advancement of human knowledge. (His followers do a good job of continuing this tradition of contra-intelligence!) If we look to the bible, it is clear that “god” doesn’t want people to be intelligent.

When the devil, the real “good” character in Judeo-Christian mythology, enters the Garden of Eden, he shares his wisdom with Adam and Eve in order to allow for them to be more self-sufficient, but “god” becomes angry. “God” doesn’t want Adam and Eve to be intelligent; he’d prefer for them to do as he says without questioning his orders. (What an evil asshole! I think it’s clear that every case of domestic violence comes from this character flaw that has been instilled in people who believe in “god.” I’ve never heard of an atheist beating on a spouse!)

The Garden of Eden story should cause people to appreciate the knowledge given to them by the devil, but somehow, the boy-touching priests were able to paint “god” as the good guy and people agreed without questioning the facts. (Clearly, it is evident that the closer someone is to “god,” the dumber they are!)

Another example of “god” being bad is the story of Sodom and Gomorrah. Granted, the people of these two cities were not living a “godly-life,” but death and destruction was probably a bit overboard. Instead of sending down a couple of angels and teaching the people how to improve their lives, “god” decided to just extinguish the cities; killing all of the inhabitants. (This guy is the king of “do as I say and not as I do!” “God” is a dick; whatever the hell happened to forgiveness? Did I misread the “good book,” because I swear I remember something about people forgiving others?)

Jewish people claim to be “the chosen people.” I can’t argue with that. First, “god” asks Abraham to kill his son. Then, right when the pious Abraham is about to obey orders, “god” says, “you’ve just been punk’d!” Are you kidding me? What kind of a psycho jokes around by torturing a child and his family? (We don’t have to get into the record of “god’s” church and the children the institution is entrusted to protect!)

This “god” guy is the worst CEO in the history of the world. First, he chooses the Israelites to be his people, and then he decides to abuse the hell out of them. The chosen people suffered through Egyptian slavery, being blamed for killing Jesus, the holocaust, and being blamed for killing Jesus by Mel Gibson! I get it; the chosen people were eventually rewarded for their faith, but at what cost? I’m not sure if they are thankful, but the gift seems pretty shitty to me. What did “god” give them as a reward? Honestly, the most inconsiderate gift ever; a country in the Middle East, surrounded by anti-Semitic rulers, one of whom said “Israel should be wiped off the map!” (Gee thanks, big guy. I’m sure all the suffering was worth it!)

As if abusing his chosen people wasn’t enough, this CEO went on to be the worst general manager ever. He continuously picks horrible men to lead his church. Hey dumbass, if the guy enjoys raping children, DON’T CALL HIM TO SERVE AS A PRIEST! It’s really simple but this all-powerful, all-knowing loser is so bad. Seriously, what the hell does he think is going to happen? (I don’t know which is worst, “god’s” choices or the people who CHOOSE to follow him!)

If a man is jealous, he’s a bad boyfriend. Same goes for a jealous “god;” he is a bad character in the bible. Let’s also remember some of “god’s” creations. People are always quick to point out the good ones, without giving any thought to the bad ones. Cancer, AIDS, famine, plague, chicken pox, Gigli, hurricanes, earthquakes, war, weapons of mass destruction, snow, cold-weather (Never mind; these don’t apply anymore!), death, crack, blowjobs with condoms, etc…  (Bad “god!” If only we had the ability to wipe his face in the metaphorical piss that he showers onto our newly-stained figurative hardwood floors!)

I think my point has been made. No one can argue that “god” is not bad. If I really wanted to, I could continue to point out an infinite amount of examples to show just how bad this character is, but that is not necessary. I don’t mind people believing in the bible, but at least get it right, THE DEVIL SHOULD BE YOUR LORD AND SAVIOR. The next time one of your family members survives cancer, thank the devil for providing the doctor with the intelligence to figure out a cure. (While you’re at it, don’t forget to say, “fuck you for creating cancer, bad ‘god!’”)

Oh yeah, how can I forget. The idiot appeared as a burning bush. Are you freaking kidding me? A BURNING BUSH! Do I even have to mention that burning bushes are bad? Seriously, this guy couldn’t think of anything else other than showing up as an STD? I thought Steve Carell was out of touch in The 40-Year-Old Virgin, but Moses risked his life and challenged the mighty Egyptian Pharaoh, Ramses, and successfully freed his people, for a burning bush. (Talk about putting the pussy on the pedestal!)




A Wish Granted

     Some people believe that thirty-three is old. To those people I say, you probably won’t live to see thirty-three; GOOD LUCK!

This challenge began with a simple encounter. “What challenge are you referring to?” Read this post to catch up to speed: A Challenge.

It was a beautiful day in Los Angeles (When isn’t it a beautiful day in LA!) so I decided to go for a walk. The calendar app in my phone showed that it was April 4th, to be exact. I turned the corner and saw a glorious vision; with the sun beating down on me, I could only make out a silhouette. Standing in front of an open garage door was what appeared to be a sculpture of a Greek goddess, carved out by Leonardo Da Vinci himself.

Like this…

Not like this…

     I have to admit, I was a bit intimidated; it’s not every day that one happens upon such a beauty. I did my best not to make a fool of myself and continued to approach the home. I didn’t know what to say; I wasn’t even sure I should bother attempting to court this stunning mortal. Thankfully, I didn’t have to make the first move. She sauntered to the end of her driveway and each step caused my heart to beat faster. She was even more exquisite than I originally believed.

The conversation seemed like a dream. It was as if I was outside of my body and I was watching the two of us talk. She turned out to be an easy going young lady, who agreed to “get together for some fun.”

Her name is Crayon Dynasty. She is a child of divorce who lives with a single mother. Crayon Dynasty’s father is an A-list celebrity, which is why she has such a ridiculous name. Her mother doesn’t work because she receives a king’s ransom in alimony payments.

That night, I sat on the couch and made a decision; I would give “god” one final chance to prove his existence. I often read Facebook posts from people who feel the need to thank “god” for all everything that he has done for them, so I decided it was my turn. I wanted to share in the good graces of the lord.

The Challenge was simple. I gave “god” two weeks to help me sleep with Crayon Dynasty. He had until April 17th to prove that he is indeed all powerful and good. If the clock struck midnight on my birthday, I would know, once and for all, that “god” does not exist.

To be fair, I made the decision to study the bible in order to learn exactly what I was required to do. The way I saw it, “god” only helps those who follow the holy book, so I knew I had to study; I had to study more than I ever studied before. It was my duty to understand how the lord works in order to do what I needed to do to allow him to help me. I read every page of the bible and I even reread the really good books. (You know the ones I’m talking about!) I was doing my part, but nothing was happening.

I met Crayon Dynasty at a local restaurant for dinner and drinks, and although she was inebriated, she declined an offer to return to my place. Most men would have been deterred by such a response, but I saw it at a good sign; this girl was a “good girl;” I would not be in danger of contracting the AIDS.

Crayon Dynasty had to be properly wooed if I was to bed her.

Each day, I reinvented myself. I studied the bible in the morning and did my best to make Crayon Dynasty fall in love with me. I pulled out all the stops, but she refused to engage in sexual intercourse.

It was time for desperate measures. I cooked dinner for her and her mother, Jill. I met with her father and did my bet to convince him that I was the man for his daughter. It worked! Crayon Dynasty was impressed, but there was no sex on the champagne room.

I was at my wits end. I did everything required of me, but the result I needed continued to evade me. This could only mean one thing; there is no “god!” That can’t be right. I had to keep trying. (Quitting is only for people who smoke cigarettes!)

An hour before midnight, I shifted into genius mode. I went through my bible notes and read over my favorite passages; there had to be something that I overlooked.

“And when the Lord, your God, delivers it into your hand, put every male to the sword; but the women and children and livestock and all else in it that is worth plundering you may take as your booty, and you may use this plunder of your enemies which the Lord, your God, has given you.” – Deuteronomy 20:13-14

No, this quote doesn’t have anything to do with my wish. First of all, I don’t have any enemies and I don’t want to plunder any cities.

“Lo the day shall come for the Lord when the spoils shall be divided in your midst. And I will gather all the nations against Jerusalem for battle: the city shall be taken, houses plundered, women ravished…” Zechariah 14:1-2

It seems like I’m getting closer, but I’m still not finding the answer that I am looking for. I must keep searching!

“They must be dividing the spoil they took: there must be a damsel or two for each man…” Judges 5:30

This isn’t it either. Wait one minute…what is this?

Eureka! I got it.

I turned to the clock; it was 11:40pm. Being on the Pacific coast provided me with three extra hours and I was going to make them count. I only had twenty minutes. I grabbed my keys, my bible, and bolted out the door. I briskly walked to her house and rang the doorbell. Crayon Dynasty’s mother came to the door.

Me: “Jill, is Crayon Dynasty home?”

Jill: “Yes, she’s in her room.”

Me: “I was reading through the bible and there is something that I have to show her. Is it ok for me to go upstairs?”

Jill: “Of course. Go right on up.”

I ran up to her room and knocked on the door; Crayon Destiny invited me in.

Me: “This is going to be the best birthday present ever!”

Crayon Destiny: “What are you talking about?”

Without saying a word, I moved the dresser in front of the door and I took her by force. She screamed and yelled for her mother to help, but there was nothing that could be done; I took what was rightfully mine. I took what the lord wanted me to have.

After a long thirty seven seconds of ecstasy, the deed was done; I had ravished her. I dismounted the damsel and put on my clothing. I moved the dresser and allowed Jill to enter the room. The two women wanted an explanation for my actions and I was prepared. I opened up my bible and read through selected verses.

“Here is the most important verse of all. ‘If a man comes upon a maiden that is not betrothed, takes her and has relations with her, and their deed is discovered, the man who had relations with her shall pay the girl’s father fifty silver shekels and take her as his wife…’ – Deuteronomy 22:28-29 I was looking for answers in all the wrong places. I expected for ‘god’ to do all of the work for me, but I finally figured out how prayer works. If not for the bible, I would have never understood the positive power of rape. Thanks be to ‘god’!”

Jill: “I understand. What happened today was beyond the scope of what we can understand. This act was a blessing from the lord himself; your future is set. “God’s” will has been done!”

Me: “Almost. Do you see? God wants us to get married and he laid out the plans for me. All I have to do now is pay your father fifty shekels and we can get married. This is a joyous day!”

Crayon Dynasty: “These tears that I cry are tears of joy! What did I do to deserve this!”

“God” is good! Our “god” is an awesome “god!”


Funny Church Signs

Due to a lack of free time, I have decided to post some funny church signs. Some of these have clearly been photoshopped!


Sex will always sell!


Talk about your money back guarantee!


I’m sure the townspeople enjoyed explaining this one to the children!


How the hell do they know?


Sounds like a great time! Where the hell can I find a baby Jesus?


That’s not nice!


I think Jesus is going to lose this battle!


Why would anyone want Santa to die?


I thought the church was against heat!


Of course, this is my favorite of the bunch. Thanks for thinking of us!


How can you not step foot in this church after reading that?

I hope these were enjoyable!



How Quickly People Forget What Is Truly Important

Yesterday, I wrote a silly story about my difficulties with Thanksgiving. (You can read the entry here: No Thanks) The truth of the matter is, Thanksgiving is my second favorite day of the year; no other holiday can compare. Thanksgiving provides us time with family and friends, great food, football, relaxation, and leftovers. (If you never purchased the Thanksgiving Day sandwich from D’Angelo, you my friend have yet to live!)

It seems our culture has a way of removing the essence from each holiday. I hate to say it, but consumerism trumps all else. Arguably, the two most effected events are Christmas and Thanksgiving.

The way I see it, Black Friday is a horrible idea. When I grew up, no one mentioned the term; people only cared about spending time with family and friends; that’s what the holiday is all about. It isn’t about the pilgrims and their dinner with the Native Americans; only school children care about the pilgrims. (If you’re an adult and you thought about the pilgrims during your Thanksgiving Day, you might be insane!)

For those who are not familiar with Black Friday, the day marks the unofficial start of the Christmas shopping season. Traditionally, stores open earlier than the normal business hours and select items are marked down. (This seems like a wonderful concept, but it is a bad idea!)

Looks like a great time!

     Normally, stores open around 7am, but this year has changed everything; stores opened their doors at midnight. Thinking of all the great deals causes people to miss the fact that Black Friday ruins Thanksgiving Day. (There is always a price to pay for greed!)

Families are forced to cut short their time together so people can rush out to brave the November weather (unless you live in a warm climate!) in long lines. The weather is not the major problem; retailers only place a limited number of items on sale, so it is literally a duel to the death. (I am not exaggerating; people have been trampled to death and fights are commonplace!)

The violence is unfortunate, but the loss of the spirit of the day is the biggest downside. Employees are forced to staff the stores, causing them to miss time with their family and friends. The customers also suffer; I read one story about a mom and her son who arrived at a Best Buy at 7pm on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving Day. (What a horrible way to spend such a great holiday!)

I would do away with Black Friday, entirely. The retailers should come up with a better way to kick off the holiday shopping season. A possible solution may be, moving the event to Saturday night, instead of Thursday. Creating a “Black Sunday” will at least allow people to enjoy their Thanksgiving holiday. (Never mind, I completely forgot that the bible forbids us to work on Sundays. Unless of course, you need to make money to support your family; I believe “god” allows the one exception!)

The day is only part of the difficulty, no one should have to put their safety at risk just to get a great deal; retailers need to go back and hire better marketers. I can’t support the creation of a hostile shopping environment; honestly, it just doesn’t make any sense! Black Friday is a horrible idea!

I am against religion so the fact that Christmas has been stolen from the Christians is great. There is no arguing the fact that Santa is far more popular than Jesus; possibly year round, but definitely on December 25th. I honestly don’t understand how a true Christian can allow Santa to supplant their “lord and savior,” when it comes to importance. Can you honestly say that you ever heard a child being excited about Jesus’ birthday; “the son of god” has actually become an afterthought. As an atheist, this fact brings joy to my heart; religion is losing its influence over the people. (Christians love Jesus, but they love presents a lot more!)

I can remember always being asked, “are you going to mass on Christmas?” It was as if the mass was an option, but no one ever asked, “do you want a Christmas gift this year?” (People can lose relationships with loved ones over forgetting to buy a present!)

No one believes in Santa Claus, but when it comes to the battle of mythical heroes, Jesus gets his ass kicked on Christmas. People may try their best, attempting to explain why they care more about gifts than Jesus, but in the end, religion is nothing but hocus pocus; no one actually cares. People only turn to religion in times of hardship, and that’s it. Each Christian, who loves Jesus, may lie to me, but they must wake up and look themselves in the mirror and admit the fact that Jesus doesn’t really matter on Christmas! (WHO CARES IF IT’S HIS BIRTHDAY?)

Although I only became an atheist earlier this year, I left religion a long time ago; I guess I always saw through the ridiculousness of it all.

To Best Buy, I say, it would be wonderful to purchase a forty two inch HD Flat-screen television for only one hundred and ninety-nine dollars, but it is not worth me losing the second best day of the year! (Everyone knows that April 18th is the greatest day of the year! Don’t be an idiot and argue this fact!)

Please allow me to kick off the holiday season and be the first to wish everyone a Merry Christmas!

     I often hear Christians say, “Jesus comes first, then family and money.” Nothing could be further from the truth. I challenge all Christians to take back the day, for their “lord and savior, Jesus Christ.” If you truly love Jesus, skip the gifts and spend Christmas day doing what Jesus would do. Take all of your Christmas cash and help out those who are less fortunate. Once you exhaust your extra funds, spend the rest of your day celebrating with family and friends, worshipping the birthday boy. (I didn’t think so! Santa Rules the day!)

The Grinch didn’t steal Christmas; the true culprit was Santa, and he stole the day from Jesus.


A Special Letter


Dear Lord,

It’s been a while since I woke up in time to attend Sunday mass, and for that I apologize. Furthermore, I honestly can’t remember the last time I confessed to a priest. I feel it would be better for your loyal followers to confess directly to you, but I admit that I am incapable of comprehending the justification for using priests as middlemen. Since I haven’t confessed my sins in quite some time, I’ll take this opportunity to do so; I hope you don’t mind.

Let me see…sins? I can’t really think of any because I’ve been extremely obedient, but I guess if I were forced to, I could come up with a couple questionable ones. There was the one time when I heard a Jewish guy deny the fact that my brother Jesus was your son, and I didn’t speak up. I promise it will never happen again!

I guess if we were splitting hairs, one could say that another of my sins happened when I stumbled upon a shameful bachelor party. I failed to look away, completely, when the stripper disrobed. I felt a strong sense of indignity wash over me and I quickly removed myself from the premises.

You will be happy to know that other than the two instances which I just mentioned, I have always asked myself, “what would Jesus do,” before any action. (I will continue to live according to your just laws, as long as this blog’s title remains the same.)

     My reason for this letter is not to confess my sins, but to thank you. You blessed me too many times in my life for me to mention all of the instances, but I will go over some of the highlights.

Thank you for my education. There are those who may think that I worked hard and accomplished everything on my own, but I know I had nothing to do with my success. All of the glory goes to you Lord. I may have spent sleepless nights studying and working hard, but you are the one who did everything. Thanks again!

Some people may feel that I am a talented storyteller, but I am no fool. My creativity does not come from my life experiences and all of the support that I receive from my family and friends; it is you who blessed me my talents. Without you, I would be nothing. In fact, I know that you can take back your generous gifts, at any moment. I will never forget what you have done for me.

Thank you Lord. Thanks for my sense of humor. I know it may seem like I developed my personality from my father, but I know that his playfulness did not shape my traits. It is you who blessed me with my joy for laughter. You have bestowed upon me a great bounty, and I will dedicate the rest of my life to serving you. I am nothing without you!

I would also like to thank you for allowing the Pittsburgh Steelers to defeat the pitiful New England Patsies. Please continue to allow Mr. Thomas Brady to finish his career on a downward spiral. May you punish his “bunch” for centuries to come! On that note Lord, I would like to ask a question. There is no man on earth, other than myself, who cares for you more than the great Tim Tebow. Why have you not allowed him to rule over the National Football League as he dominated college football? Other than me, he praises you more than any man alive. I am hoping that you are allowing Mr. Tebow to slowly progress into the greatest quarterback of all time! I look forward to witnessing his rise, while he continues to praise you!

     I will end this letter with a request. Can you please punish all of the fake Christians who are obviously closet-pagans? They speak about how much they love you, but there they are, wearing costumes and celebrating the devil’s holiday. Halloween should be banned from the United States of America, but we have yet to elect a true Christian President. Please send these devil worshippers to Hell, so they can celebrate with their true master!

Many of your so called followers attempt to praise you by proclaiming, “God is good,” but I do not agree with their misleading declaration. I know you are much better than good; you are great!


Your loyal subject, Peter

P.S. Tell Kevin that Notre Dame SUCKS!!!


For those of you, who wish to donate money in order to help me spread the Lord’s word, please e-mail me and we’ll work out the details!


100 Things I Miss About Being Catholic

 *****POST NUMBER 100*****

     Here we are; the one-hundredth post. I didn’t think I’d live to see the day. (Seriously, religious people kill for far less than some of the things I wrote!) In some weird way, I have “god” to thank for the success of this blog. Without his “existence,” there would be no religion to speak of. (Thanks, mighty wizard in the sky!)

At first, I wasn’t sure how to celebrate this milestone, but I placed my faith in the big guy upstairs and the idea eventually came to me. (BIG thanks to the imaginary obese man who lives on my roof and sends down great ideas!)

Before I begin with the list, I want to thank all of the wonderful people who have supported this blog. I would list names, but if I forgot to mention someone, I would never forgive myself. (You know who you are!) The text messages, post comments, Facebook status updates, Twitter tweets, and in-person support has been phenomenal! I look forward to continuing the blog for at least another seven hundred fifty three thousand and forty-six posts. “Why that exact number?” Who knows!

This list will contain some of the aspects of my life as a member of the Catholic Church which I truly miss. I will first start with a few of the things that I missed out on due to my enlightenment! (Catholics may refer to my new lack of spirituality as, “the path to hell!”)

     Let it be known; this was a difficult list to compile. With so many wonderful things to miss about being Catholic, how could I ever expect to whittle the list down to a mere one-hundred?

**The Catholic Church promised that reading this list will not cause people to go to Hell. (Cost me a pretty penny to secure that promise!)**

     Here is the list: (If the list is not in alphabetical order, shake your device. *Be sure to shake well*)

1.       I MISSED OUT ON being able to drink myself into a stupor, act like an ass, bang some random slut, then upload a picture of Jesus to Facebook so I can show that I am a good person! (I really wanted to do that!)

2.       I MISSED OUT ON seeing the same girls from the club, showing up in their Sunday’s best. (I hope the tequila after-taste goes well with the “body of Christ!”)

3.       I MISSED OUT ON becoming a fanatical Christian and high-fiving the guys after each mass and yelling, “That was a kickass sermon!”

4.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to get a giant tattoo of a cross on my chest with the bottom shaped like an arrow. There would have been a sign which read, “If you think this cross is big, take a look down there!” (There would be another tattoo on my ankle which said, “Down here; Big feet!”)

5.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to cover the back bumper of my car with great quotes like, “Jesus is my co-pilot” and “Honk if you fuck Catholics!”

6.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to explain the facts to my children when they say, “hold on; this doesn’t make any goddamn sense, DAD! If Adam and Eve were the only two people in the world, and they only had two sons, where the Hell did everyone else come from?” (Sorry kids, Eve banged her sons, I guess!)

7.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to marry my sister. (After all, every female is my sister since we’re all “god’s” children, right?)

8.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to write a letter to my congressman, complaining about a future toy which I will deem inappropriate for my future child. (I wouldn’t have allowed Hasbro to promote their new, “Atheist Arthur” doll!)

9.       I MISSED OUT ON the opportunity to be a parent who forces his children to believe in a magical wizard who allowed his enemies to kill his water-walking son for their sins. (Don’t feel guilty or anything, kids!)

10.   I MISSED OUT ON the new policy of allowing altar girls. (This ain’t your daddy’s Catholic Church!)

11.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to post Tweets containing lyrics from gangster rappers who are always mindful to praise the lord. (Don’t mind the murder lyrics!)

12.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to create a profile on Christianmingle.com (I might still give that one the old college try!)

13.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to follow his highness, the Pope, on Twitter! ()

14.   I MISSED OUT ON telling the younger Catholics about the great superhero, Jesus of Nazareth, who turned water into wine! (I promise to go back, if he can turn water into Johnnie Walker whiskey!)

15.   I MISSED OUT ON being able to hide the fact that I’m using the “lord’s” name in vain by writing “got damn” on social networking sites. (Believers are so tricky!)

16.   I MISSED OUT ON the day when a crazed man attacked a fellow worshipper on the altar! (I really wish I was there to see that!)

17.   I MISSED OUT ON listening to a sermon being preached by a priest who, not only had an IPhone, but banged more chicks from his congregation than any of the guys in the pews. (Am I lying?) I don’t know who the women are, but “god” bless them!


18.   I MISS being shushed, because I dared utter a word during mass! (I never hear when the director yells quiet on the set!)

19.   I MISS having to wait for Jesus to return; he was taking forever! (It’s almost as if he forgot!)

20.   I MISS being able to say, “I’m probably going to Hell for this,” after one of my many “ungodly” acts!

21.   I MISS being confused about the whole “’god’ be with you” comments when people separate. I thought “god” was everywhere; I didn’t know he actually chose where he would be based on who said what. (I guess I’ll never understand how that whole thing works!)

22.   I MISS looking forward to walking through the valley of the shadow of death, aka the gangster’s paradise. That would have been cool! (I didn’t even know Coolio was a gangster-Christian!)

23.   I MISS the long procession before the Mother’s day mass. (I didn’t know it was the mini Walk-for-hunger!)

24.   I MISS the candle lighting countdown that led to Christmas! (That has to be a fire hazard!)

25.   I MISS being forced to say the entire rosary. (“Don’t worry, the beads won’t take long; we’ll be done in seven hours tops; plus it’s fun!”)

26.   I MISS walking around with a dirty forehead on Ash Wednesday and having to explain to rational people that I am not crazy! (Good times!)

27.   I MISS laughing at the crazy scientists and there stupid “Evolution!” (In the past, I had no idea what those scientists were talking about!)

28.   I MISS praying. “Oh good ‘god;’ good super-duper wonderful merciless merciful ‘god,’ please allow me to win the lottery so I don’t have to work hard anymore.”

29.   I MISS having to wait until someone said, “Grace,” before I was allowed to eat. (Simply eating food without thanking “the lord” leaves me feeling incomplete, yet still full!)

30.   I MISS watching the hungry-hungry-hypocrites look-down upon one another while they were guilty of the same “sins!”

31.   I MISS listening to my fellow worshippers, complain about how long each mass was. (I guess I can understand, “god” forbid, anyone force them to actually have to devote some time to “the almighty,” whom they speak so highly of.)

32.   I MISS not having to work hard and simply asking “god” to give me things. If I didn’t get it, I knew it wasn’t “god’s” will. (Life was much simpler back then!)

33.   I MISS doing unbelievably idiotic things, then saying, “Only ‘god’ can judge me!” (I love that!)

34.   I MISS being able to take holy days off from work. (Sorry boss, its Spiritual Tuesday and the tavern is serving up specials all day; see you tomorrow!)

35.   I MISS sitting in the pew and attempting to become a master at “Extreme Simon Says.” Simon says, “Sit.” Simon says, “Stand.” Simon says, “Kneel.” Sit. Fuck! (You got me this time, you tricky Houdini priest!)

36.   I MISS braiding the palms during mass on Palm Sunday. Each year the design was getting better! (I probably would have been able to create a small scale accurate depiction of Noah’s Ark by now!)

37.   I MISS coming up with excuses for having to leave whenever forced asked to partake in the fun that is the rosary! (The beads were cool, though!)

38.   I MISS listening to ‘Don’t Stop Believing’ by Journey, and thinking about my never-ending belief in “god.” (I feel like I let the band down!)

39.   I MISS watching “god’s” good girls chase Satan’s bad boys! (If only their parents knew!)

40.   I MISS enjoying all of the presents on Christmas morning and completely forgetting about Jesus! (Sorry about that, dude!)

41.   I MISS looking forward to my death and attempting to sneak into Heaven’s backdoor. (You know I had the hook-up!)

42.   I MISS the shame of pre-marital sex! (Thankfully, the girl can carry the shame for the two of us!)

43.   I MISS the fear I had whenever it was time to take the Eucharist; we all know, I was never free from sin. (“Only say the words and I shall be healed.” That always seemed like a set-up to me!)

44.   I MISS being able to blame “god” whenever something went wrong in my life! (No excuses now!)

45.   I MISS giving all praise to “god,” when it was me who did everything on my own! (I guess from now on, I’ll have to take credit for my future success!)

46.   I MISS the pedophile priest jokes from anti-Catholic friends who enjoyed the scandals more than the priests enjoyed the boys. (We can talk about that freely, right?)

47.   I MISS hearing the priest say, “Fodemos irmaos,” then hearing the faithful reply, “Ovinu sinhor!” (I’m not sure I got that right, it’s been a while since I attended!)

48.   I MISS the Fanduka Fest. That is the name we gave to the Church’s annual Mother’s Day festival; it was named in honor of one of the nuns! (Church girls are hot; the laity, not the nuns!)

49.   I MISS being told I am going to Hell. Who am I kidding; the Catholics still remind me of their continued wishful thinking! (Thanks, believers!)

50.   I MISS feeling comfortable inside of a church. My last visit was in June for a family wedding and there was a definite sense of uneasiness. (You might call it, LOGIC!)

51.   I MISS being afraid of Exorcism. (Just kidding; those movies still scare the crap out of me!)

52.   I MISS lying to the priest during confession. “I only said a bad word, and I didn’t listen to my mother, one time!” (He bought it hook, line, and sinker!)

53.   I MISS “donating” money to the Church. (Really, are two collections during mass, necessary?)

54.   I MISS the great hymns. (I have a wonderful singing voice, if I do say so myself!)

55.   I MISS saying, “You’re going to Hell!” (And meaning it!)

56.   I MISS the wonderful flavor-challenged snack that the priest handed out during mass. (Sunday morning breakfast hasn’t been the same!)

57.   I MISS fearing that the Pope would excommunicate me from the church! (Now, I look forward to that occasion!)

58.   I MISS being accepted by the masses. (It’s so lonely out here in reality world!)

59.   I MISS the good old days, when Mary Magdalene was a whore. (Damn you, Dan Brown!)

60.   I MISS having my brain washed every Sunday; it’s so dirty now! I hope someone will be able to get me some of that wonderful shampoo. (I think it was called “holy water!”)

61.   I MISS being forced to wear a dress robe while helping mass. (Cross-dressing is not my thing!)

62.   I MISS blaming the Jews for killing Jesus! (How the Romans escaped blame, is amazing to me!)

63.   I MISS having no rational explanation for the religion, and answering people who questioned my undying loyalty with the old staple, “It’s a faith thing; you wouldn’t understand!”

64.   I MISS being forced to attend mass! (Those Sunday morning beatings sucked!)

65.   I MISS getting destroyed on Christmas Eve, then showing up to mass to catch the let-out! I can’t forget the time when my friend threw up on one of the bushes. (Talk about a burning bush!)

66.   I MISS being chosen as one of the Altar All Stars, who were selected to serve mass during special occasions! (Please pick me; I’m good!)

67.   I MISS arguing about sports on the back steps of the church and being told to keep it down by one of the adult males who hung-out in the back! (Leave us alone!)

68.   I MISS arriving to the Church just for the let-out. (Better than any club I ever went to!)

69.   I MISS arriving five minutes before the conclusion of mass and sneaking to my seat! (“Yes, the talk about Jesus being good was awesome; I loved today’s magic trick!”)

70.   I MISS the squeaky door at the back of the church, which had to be opened carefully to avoid announcing my late arrival! (What are you people looking at; I’m trying my best, goddamnit?)

71.   I MISS knowing that Jesus loved me, simply because the bible told me so. (Great song!)

72.   I MISS saying, “My ‘god’ is better than your ‘god’.” (I always won!)

73.   I MISS fearing “god.” He was always firm, but fair! (Great guy!)

74.   I MISS feeling guilty about lying after swearing to “god” when appealing a traffic violation! (Good morning, your honor; black is becoming on you!)

75.   I MISS being able to use the Church as an excuse for my “abstinence.” (by choice, of course!)

76.   I MISS being manipulated into doing bad deeds by the devil; that guy was nothing but trouble! (Who do I blame now?)

77.   I MISS saying really hurtful things about people, but thinking it was alright because I prefaced each statement with, “’god’ forgive me.” (I love when others do that!)

78.   I MISS the period in my youth when I was confused and I started to treat women like shit because I truly believed that “All dogs go to heaven.” (That’s all you’re getting from this pimpin’!)

79.   I MISS the period when I realized the true meaning of the phrase and roamed the streets, running into starving stray-dogs; I would rub them under the chin and say, “Don’t worry little fella. Things will get better; all dogs go to heaven!” (No, don’t worry; God doesn’t like Vick!)

80.   I MISS being afraid of the devil! (Satan was a worthy adversary, but “god” always kicked his ass!)

81.   I MISS being able to hate people who were different. (Things will never be the same!)

82.   I MISS being shocked and appalled when I heard someone mention that they were an atheist! (The good old days!)

83.   I MISS forgetting that I wasn’t supposed to eat meat on Friday’s during lent. (Oops! Was that today?)

84.   I MISS giving up Catholicism for 40 days during lent! (Religion was the one thing that I truly loved the most!)

85.   I MISS hating South Park because of the way the writers portrayed Jesus. (I wanted to laugh out loud, but I felt guilty so I laughed inside!)

86.   I MISS being able to say, “’god’ bless you.” (“Gesundheit,” is so difficult to pronounce properly!)

87.   I MISS hot chicks sitting on my lap in the small crowded Confraternity of Christian Doctrine classrooms, in the nun’s house. (I especially miss thinking to myself, “Please don’t get hard please don’t get hard!”)

88.   I MISS watching a childhood friend get expelled from Catholic school because he had the audacity to carry a condom in his book bag. (Thank “god” he wasn’t lynched!)

89.   I MISS being banned from using condoms because his royal majesty, the Pope, doesn’t allow the practice! (Hello AIDS!)

90.   I MISS being forced to be against abortions! (Now, I can kill at will!)

91.   I MISS having a brother and a dad, who were the same person, invisible, and a ghost, at the same time. (I was so confused!)

92.   I MISS the ability to drink myself into a coma, only to wake up with a monstrous hang-over which caused me to promise “god” that I would never drink again! (Stay thirsty my friends!)

93.   I MISS being forced into cannibalism. Why they wanted me to eat my “brother,” Jesus, I have no clue! (Hmm, this meet is mighty tender!)

94.   I MISS being forced to “volunteer” at church events by my god-fearing parents and relatives. (Thanks again guys; college football is the devil’s work, anyways!)

95.   I MISS watching the guilt and shame that appeared on the faces of the unwed-teen moms and their parents as they walked down the aisle before mass. (Talk about your “walk-of-shame!”)

96.   I MISS the closet gay guys who preached to the boys about brotherly love. Sorry buddy, this isn’t Philadelphia; take that shit somewhere else! (That situation is destined to end badly!)

97.   I MISS being hypnotized by the sweet symphonic chimes, coming from the bells held by the synchronized altar boys. (Those guys should start a band!)

98.   I MISS praying to “god,” wishing that he would help my team win the big game, and then cursing his good name when they fell short! (I will never forgive you for the 49ers Super Bowl win against the Broncos!)

99.   I MISS feeling guilty every time I said the word “FUCK.” (It’s just a word people!)

100.   I MISS being loved by “god!” *TEAR ROLLS DOWN CHEEK*

Thanks again, “Big Guy!”


     I know this was a long post, but constructing a list of twenty five, or fifty didn’t seem appropriate! (I hope this was both, un-offensive and enjoyable!)

For those of you, who don’t have a blog on wordpress.com, I’ll share one of the little pleasures of the site. Once a post is completed and published, the number of the entry is revealed and the site always adds a congratulatory word of encouragement. Yesterday’s post was “Super!” (For today’s word, I’ll have to post then comeback and edit.)

The word for my one-hundredth post is: Fabulous (Thanks guys! I agree; it truly is Fabulous!)