Just When I Thought I Was Out, They Pull Me Back In

I came out about two years ago. At first, I didn’t want to come out, but I finally gained the courage to be an example to any young child who considers himself or herself to be “different.” It’s not what you think; I’m not talking about THE “coming out!” It was scary, but I finally admitted to myself, and to the world, that I was an atheist. (I’m just kidding about being scared!)

Discovering the truth about the entire world’s many faiths is an extremely freeing experience. I especially enjoy poking fun at those who honestly believe their specific myth to be true. For example, here is my Easter-related Facebook post:

     “Congrats to everyone who made it through the entire 40 days of sacrifice! Now that Easter is here and Lent is over, I can go back to coveting all the things that I desire; especially some of these wives! (I’ll never give that up again!)”     

Unfortunately for me, I didn’t get the opportunity to choose my religious beliefs; like most people around the world, I was forced by my parents to join their faith. My forehead was doused with “holy water” and I became a Catholic. It didn’t take long for me to begin doubting many of the traditions, but I did was I was told. (Thankfully, our neighborhood wasn’t a target area for the Church’s pious-pedophiles, so I was never asked to “scrape my knees up for the lord!”)

At the age of twelve, I was given the power to either choose to attend “god’s house of boy-rape” or stay home and watch cartoons on the USA network. It’s obvious I didn’t lose any sleep over this “major dilemma!”

Missing Sunday mass turned out to be the gateway-drug to my atheism. Once I began to avoid the weekly wash and allowed my mind to get dirty, there was no turning back. I didn’t fear “god” and I wasn’t afraid to push the envelope push the expensive glass vase. (Why would anyone fear a being that doesn’t exist outside of the big picture-free comic book, called the bible!)

***If you are unfamiliar with the phrase, “pushing the expensive glass vase,” read my previous post: What Does That Even Mean!***

     It was almost as if I was a religious slave and a prophet demanded that the Pope let his people go; atheism was my liberty. For days, I ran around the Charles River, yelling, “LIBERTAD! LIBERTAD!” I was finally free!

OR SO I THOUGHT!

Recently, it was brought to my attention that I was not free. Apparently, the Church does not just allow members to leave. There are strict guidelines which must be followed, in order to leave. I heard of “Blood In Blood Out” but Water In Water Out is news to me! I’m not even sure how one goes about getting “watered out!” It looks like I’ll be a Catholic for life; don’t get me wrong, I want to leave the Church, but I’m definitely not willing to drown to death!

EXCOMMUNICATION:  an ecclesiastical censure depriving a person of the rights of church membership.

The information regarding the process is too extensive for me to include in this post, but basically, a Bishop is the lowest level Church official who can grant excommunication. At first, I thought about going through the long process, but then I realized that I don’t want to quit the Church; I want to be thrown out! It is my desire to become the Vatican’s worst offender. (This is a lofty goal, since Hitler and the infinite number of pedophilic-priests failed to lose their memberships in the “god’s organization!”)

For the time being, it appears that I’m stuck with the Church and the Church is stuck with me! Let’s hope I can make this happen!

@PeteTeix617

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Some People Will Believe Anything

KIM JONG-IL

     The season ending episode of Bagging Up will be posted tomorrow. This entry will be about the late North Korean dictator, Kim Jong-Il. I am not concerned with his politics or human rights record; there are evil people all over this planet. What fascinates me about the “Supreme Leader,” is the weird propaganda that he created.

I will discuss my five favorite Kim Jong-Il “facts!” (Feel free to Google some of the other propaganda creations!)

#5) DIVINE BIRTH:

“Legend has it that a double rainbow and a glowing new star appeared in the heavens to herald the birth of Kim Jong Il, in 1942, on North Korea’s cherished Baekdu Mountain. Soviet records, however, indicate he was born in the Siberian village of Vyatskoye, in 1941. The people of North Korea, many of whom are reportedly battling famine, are apparently told that Kim’s birthday is celebrated throughout the world.” – Global Post

I don’t blame Kim for this one. The followers of Jesus can make up an unbelievable birth, why not the “Supreme Leader!”

 

#4) TALK ABOUT A RIM JOB:

“While Kim was on his famous 2001 train trip to Moscow, a Russian envoy who traveled with him said roast donkey and fresh lobsters were flown to the train every day.” – Global Post

I guess the saying has been proven to be correct; you are what you eat! (I’ll pass on the ass!)

 

#3) NO SHIT:

“It is reported that Kim’s official biography on the North Korean state web site, which has since been taken down, claimed that Kim did not defecate. Enough said.”  – Global Post

Maybe if someone handed Kim Jong-Il a laxative, he would still be alive today! (What a waste!)

 

#2) TIGER, EAT YOUR HEART OUT:

“In 1994, it was reported by Pyongyang media outlets that Kim Jong Il shot 38 under par on a regulation 18-hole golf course – including 5 holes in one! That score is 25 shots better than the best round in history, and is made even more amazing by the fact that it was his first time playing the sport. It’s said Kim Jong Il would routinely sink 3 or 4 holes in one per round of golf, and – lucky for the PGA – he has since given it up.” – http://hiddenunseen.blogspot.com

Thankfully for the professional golfers, the North Korea Open is closed to non-Communists! (I wonder how many mulligans were handed out during the round?)

 

#1) I THOUGHT I RECOGNIZED KIM IN THE RAP VIDEOS:

“For a few years in the early 1990s, it was confirmed by Hennessy that Kim Jong Il was it’s best customer, spending about $600,000 to $850,000 annually on the liquor. He is partial to the Paradis cognac, which can sell for over $700 per bottle. In comparison, the average North Korean makes about $1000 per year.” – Global Post

When rappers discuss sipping on Hennessey with Kim, I thought they were talking about some diseased-filled groupie. Who knew the songs are actually about sipping Hennessy with North Korea’s “Supreme Leader!”

 

***Bonus “Facts:”***

“Official records reportedly show that Kim learned to walk at the age of three weeks, and was talking at eight weeks. While at Kim Il Sung University, he apparently wrote 1,500 books over a period of three years, along with six full operas. According to his official biography, all of his operas are “better than any in the history of music.”  – Global Post

Too bad YouTube didn’t exist back in 1941 1942; Kim Jong-Il would have been an internet sensation! (Can someone please send me a link to the operas; I can’t seem to find them on Spotify!)

Kim Jong-Il was truly an original guy; mythical tales about a great figure? Gee, I wonder where I’ve heard that before! Obviously, his stories were fabricated, but we all know that religious claims are all true!

Today is December 21, 2011. In exactly one year, the world will end!!!

THE COUNTDOWN BEGINS!!!

@PeteTeix617

Unconventional Endings

I’ll save my review of Lee Strobel’s book for next week. (Who knows? Maybe I’ll become a believer!)

     Sometimes, I get weird thoughts which give me endless hours of enjoyment. A few days ago, I came up with a concept for different scenarios which I thought would be funny, or just plain horrible. In each of these instances, I will write what I think would happen if there was an afterlife. There is one catch. Each person who dies, must remain in whatever state they were buried, and the spirit which remains has absolutely no powers. (No, people who are cremated will not feel pain during the cremation process! Once someone is dead, they are incapable of feeling any physical pain.)

After the description, I will write what each person says. Due to the fact that no one actually knows what happens once people die, these might actually be real occurrences. At the end, I will write my burial ritual request. (You might want to plan your funeral accordingly!)

Case 1:

This case involves a militant Islamic fellow whose life mission was to become a martyr. His motivation was to serve his “god.” (I’m not a betting man, but I’m sure the 72 virgins also factored into the decision making process!)

Martyr: “Wow! That was a loud explosion. Where the hell am I? Am I dead? I guess I know where Mecca is by the direction my head is facing, but what good does that do me; I am stuck in this coffin and can’t see a thing. Isn’t this a bitch? Where the HELL is Allah and all my freaking virgins? This can’t be it; this has to be some kind of joke.”

Ten years later.

Martyr: “Damn, I think this is it. What a waste of life. I wish I could go back and apologize to all the innocent people who I killed. Oh well!”

Case 2:

I will now discuss the death of a virgin. She really paid attention in Sunday school when the nun was discussing the church’s policy of no sex before marriage. She never found true love, therefore, never had any sexual experiences. (Not even a blowie!)

Virgin: “Where are you ‘god?’ I am ready to be with you for all eternity. Hello! Is anyone there? Why can’t I see anything? Where the HELL is everyone? If I spent my entire life being chaste, and I don’t get any reward, I am going to kill someone. Wait, I can’t kill anyone, I’m stuck in a freaking coffin for the rest of eternity. Why didn’t I just listen to the little voice inside my head and have sex? I’m a freaking idiot!”

Ten years later.

Virgin: “Why didn’t I just have sex? I’m such an idiot!”

Case 3:

In a tragic accident, a thrill seeker jumped out of a plane with a parachute that malfunctioned. His lawyer advised the daredevil to write out his will a year prior to the jump. His only request was to have his body cremated and his ashes scattered over the Grand Canyon. (He died doing something he loved!)

Skydiver: “I can’t believe I get to spend an eternity in the Grand Canyon; too bad for all those religious people who are stuck in a box in the ground. I guess I didn’t end up in HELL! This place is amazing. Thank goodness I didn’t ask to be buried in a cemetery. I can’t believe I can fly! Did someone say something? Hello!”

Spirit: “Hello.”

Skydiver: “Who are you?”

Spirit: “My name is Running Cloud. My entire family was massacred by the American government soldiers. Our bodies were thrown over the cliff and we’ve been living in this beautiful canyon ever since.”

Skydiver: “What happened to your family was horrible, but at least you will spend the rest of eternity in this wonderful place.”

Running Cloud: “Come with me. I will introduce you to the others.”

Ten years later.

Skydiver: “When I was alive and I pictures Heaven, I never could have imagined this. Thank goodness there aren’t any boring people singing hymns or any ‘god’ to tell me what to do.”

Case 4:

The matriarch of a large family died of natural causes at the ripe old age of 96. She lived with her eldest son, but her final wish was to have her body cremated and for her ashes to be placed in an urn over the mantle of her beach house on Martha’s Vineyard. The entire family made the trip down from Boston to witness the placement of “Nana’s” final resting place. (She loved her family above anything else!)

Nana: “Hello! Can anyone hear me? I know all of you are out there. Bill, let me out of this urn; it’s HELL in here. HELLO! Please, somebody help me. I can’t believe they can’t hear me. I guess it’s not that bad; I’ll get to listen to my family members enjoy their time in this beautiful house.”

Ten years later.

Nana: “Help! I know you can hear me. Hey Tommy, throw your baseball over here and knock over this urn. C’mon; do it for your Nana!”

Case 5:

A sailor loved the ocean and hoped to one day navigate sail across the Atlantic, from the United States to his native country, England. Everyone told him he couldn’t make it, but he was determined. Along the voyage, he encountered rough seas which overturned his boat. He was a strong swimmer, but the waves proved too challenging and he eventually drowned.

Sailor: “It’s finally over; I can’t believe I survived. Wait a second, where the HELL am I? Is that the Titanic? Oh my goodness; I’m under the ocean. This is amazing; I get to spend the rest of eternity swimming in the ocean and living amongst the fish! I’ll never get tired of this! How lucky am I?”

Spirit: “Hello, my name is Captain Edward john Smith; I was the Captain of the Titanic. Allow me to welcome you to our underwater adventure land. I’ll introduce you to some of the girls; they’ll be happy to show you around.”

Sailor: “I think I’m going to like it here!”

Ten years later.

Sailor: “There is still so much more to SEA!”

You get the picture; there is a possibility that billions of people are stuck underground in their coffins. I am not going out like that! I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered inside Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Obviously, this will have to be a secret mission for the family member who loves me the most! I can think of nothing better than watching the Gators play every single home game for an eternity! Anything else, would probably be HELL! (Just in case, I plan on leaving behind a million dollars to any hot woman, who agrees to have her body cremated so her ashes can be scattered inside the Swamp, as well! It might get lonely in there!)

For my thoughts on death, read the previous post: Where Are All The Dead People.

@PeteTeix617