An Overdue Conversation

A few days ago, I found this post which is supposed to be part one of two, but I forgot to continue. The desire to write has resurfaced, so I have re-posted this story and will finally finish the second part. (Hope I still have it.)

[Original Story]

I’m skeptical when it comes to psychics but I decided to give the experience a try and see what all the hype was about. I drove to Hollywood and found a “reputable” medium to help me uncover the world of the unknown.

I don’t really have any desire to know what will happen in my future so there was no point in going down that path. I did have some questions that I wanted answered, but there was no need for me to ask any of them; the psychic already had something planned for me.

“I will answer the main question that has plagued you for most of your life.” She said confidently.

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and I seriously thought about demanding my money back and storming out of the cuckoo’s nest, but curiosity got the best of me. (Thank goodness I’m not a cat!)

After a few minutes of preparation, the psychic held my hands and asked me to close my eyes. I followed several more instructions and eventually found myself in the middle of an out-of-body experience.

Before I knew it, I was in a strange place. There was no furniture because the floor was comfortable enough to either lie on or sit; I never experienced a more relaxing setting. There was a woman stroking a harp in one corner, but she did not seem to notice my arrival. The walls seemed to be made up of some weird reinforced cloud material. They were deceptively strong but soft to the touch. Leaning up against the wall felt like jumping onto a five thousand thread count comforter atop a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

Initially, I thought that I was the only other person in the room, but after gathering my bearings I realized that there were two beings at the other end of the room. I couldn’t make out their form, but these two were clearly not human beings. I wasn’t sure if I should approach them, but I didn’t have a choice so I walked to where they were standing.

When I got within earshot I said hello, but they didn’t seem to hear me. It turns out that these two were in the middle of a conversation. I wasn’t sure if they could see me or if I was invisible. Their bodies were made out of what appeared to be a mist, which continued to take different forms. One of the beings was about twice the size of the other and changed shapes more frequently.

I didn’t want to be nosy, but there was nothing I could do other than sit on the comfortable floor and wait until they were done talking.

Here is what I heard.

Being 1: “What is it now; why are you always angry? You’re the only person here who is never happy.”

Being2: “Nothing is wrong. Anyway, I thought you knew everything?”

Being1: “I can’t take it anymore. You’ve been angry for two thousand years but recently, you’ve been unbearable. What is bothering you?”

Being2: “You never apologized for making me go through unspeakable pain. You have no idea what it was like.”

Being1: “I thought we discussed this? You agreed to make the sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

Being2: “I know I agreed, but I feel like you didn’t appreciate what I did.”

Being1: “Of course I appreciate it. There are monuments all over the world dedicated to your memory. What more do you want? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

[As I sat on the floor, I realized who these beings were. I was in the presence of God and Jesus. I couldn’t believe it!]

Jesus: “The crucifixion was horrible, but that’s not what is really bothering me.”

God: “Then what is it?”

Jesus: “I don’t want to talk about it because you wouldn’t understand.”

God: “After two thousand years of you being angry, there is no way I’m dropping this now; tell me why you’re angry.”

Jesus: “Why did I have to die a virgin?”

God: “What?”

Jesus: “On earth. You sent me to save the human souls, and I didn’t get to enjoy the entire experience.”

God: “Is that what has been bothering you all these years?”

Jesus: “Yes! Seriously, what was the point? I sacrificed my life by dying the most excruciating death, and for what; all we are left with is a Church whose leadership is full of pedophiles and pedophile sympathizers. I feel cheated.”

God: “I understand that things haven’t exactly worked out, but why are you mad at me? I never said you couldn’t have sex.”

Jesus: “You never said it but you implied it with all that ‘set an example’ talk.”

God: “I said set an example, but I never placed a restriction on sex. I understand that you are frustrated, but don’t try and blame me; you could have slept with whichever woman you desired.”

Jesus: “I guess you’re right; I only have myself to blame.”

God: “I always wondered why you didn’t sleep with any women. I figured you didn’t have any interest. You were always around so many men; there was one point I actually thought you were gay.”

Jesus : ”I wasn’t gay; I just had trouble speaking when I was in the company of a beautiful woman. I never knew how to break the ice.”

God: “Are you kidding me? I gave you the power to perform miracles. You could have had any woman you wanted. I can’t count how many times I saw you pass up some of my best work.”

Jesus: “For many years, I didn’t understand it either, but after watching the Forty Year-Old Virgin, I realized that I was putting the pussy on a pedestal. The sad thing is, I never discovered how to stop glorifying the pussy.”

God: “What do you mean?”

Jesus: “I waited so long to have sex that it eventually became an unattainable goal. My friends tried to tell me that I was overthinking things but I was too afraid to take the first step. I always got too nervous”

God: “Why didn’t you just have one of the guys bring someone for you? Your apostles were some serious players; between the group, I think half of Jerusalem went down.”

Jesus: “Yeah, Simon slept next door and he never had a night off. It’s not fair; I want to go back so I can have an orgasm.”

God: “I knew you never had sex, but I didn’t know you never had an orgasm.”

Jesus: “Well, I kind of had one.”

God: “What do you mean kind of?”

Jesus: “There was this one time that I woke up from a wet dream; it was horrible.”

God: “Were you scared because it was the first time you saw semen?”

Jesus: “No. The guys already explained that to me. I said it was horrible because it was my first orgasm and I missed it. Do you know how frustrating it is to wake up, drenched in your own jizz, and completely missing out on the orgasm? It fucking sucks, dad!”

God: “Yeah, I guess that is pretty bad.”

Jesus: “It always bothered me that I never had sex, but recently it’s been unbearable; these humans are out of control. I can’t take it anymore. Do you not see how these people are living? With all these tiny cameras and smart phones, a new porn star is made every other minute of the day. I can’t look at earth for a second without seeing some slut, whooping it up and showing the goods! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT PUSSY FEELS LIKE!”

God: “Yeah, I feel like it’s Sodom and Gomorra all over again?”

Jesus: “Did you ever have sex?”

God: “Of course. I definitely took the form of a human being and slept with a few women in my early years.”

Jesus: “Can I go back? I need to have sex!”

God: “You’re my son and I want you to be happy, but what happens if I send you back and you freeze up?”

Jesus: “Are you kidding me? There is no way I’ll freeze up. If you send me back, I’ll bang everything in sight; it’s a completely different world; women are sleeping with men for cheeseburgers.”

[I let out a loud sneeze and the two beings turn to face me.]

Jesus: “My dad blesses you.”

Me: “Thanks.”

God: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “I went to see a psychic and she sent me here. I guess she wanted me to see that you were real. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation, but when I said hello, no one seemed to notice me.”

God: “Is there anything you need to know before I send you back?”

Me: “Yeah! I’ve been an atheist for some time now and I’m wondering if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to enter Heaven when I die?”

God: “Of course. I’m not happy with the religions of the world. Most of those people will be taking the elevator to the ground level after they die. Honestly, if I lived on earth, I’d be an atheist too!”

Jesus: “Hey dad, since you’re about to send this guy back to earth, can I just tag along?”

Me: “That’s cool with me.”

God: ”That’s not how it works. I have to plan these things out to ensure that we do not upset the balance of the universe. You will go to earth in due time.”

Jesus: “Ok, I can wait; I guess.”

God: “Here is what will happen. I will send our friend here back to earth and he will prepare for your visit. I will ensure that his novel will be published and it will be a great success. I will also see to it that the screenplay he co-wrote with his cousin will be picked up by a major production company; I read the script and I laughed my ass off!”

Me: “Wow, thanks God! You’re the best; I can’t believe you enjoyed the script. What about the manuscript; did you get a chance to read it?”

God: “I did read it and I loved the book. You should be proud of the finished products.”

Me: “This is unbelievable. Is there any way you can make me cry tears of joy?”

[It appears that God is pointing his index finger towards me.]

God: “Here you go.”

[Tears begin to flow from my eyes.]

Me: “Thanks, big guy!”

God: “Once you achieve great success, you will prepare for my son’s arrival. It will be your duty to ensure that he sows his wild oats.”

Jesus: “YES! It’s about time for my second coming!”

Me: “Yeah, especially since the first one was during a wet dream.”

[They both laugh.]

Jesus: “I’m going to find a hot scientist and give her the Big Bang!”

[We all laugh.]

Me: “This will be an experience.”

God: “I’ll work out the details and one of my angels will notify you before Jesus’ arrival.”

Me: “Ok. Thanks again for the kind words.”

God: “Keep up the good work.”

Me: “Hey, before I go; did Michael Jackson molest those boys?”

God: “What are you TMZ? Get your nosy ass out of here!”

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive subject.”

In the blink of an eye, I return to the room with the psychic. She knew that I saw the Lord, but she didn’t get to hear what was discussed. I thanked her for her assistance before leaving. I didn’t feel the need to share any of the details with her and she never inquired.

I can’t wait to carry out the mission!

{To be continued.}…on the next post! The Second Coming

 

@PeteTeix617

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Time’s A Wasting

I’m sure most Celtics fans gathered with some of their favorite people to watch game seven in hopes of seeing a big win; I did no such thing. I turned on the game with a little over 5 minutes remaining in the first half. The team looked as if they flew to Miami with a purpose, but I’ve watched too many NBA games to believe the game was over.

I had no desire to witness the meaningless third quarter so I waited for an hour to switch back to the game. After seeing the score I immediately turned the game off. Call me a fake fan if you will, but I am no longer superstitious so me watching has absolutely nothing to do with the final results. The Celtics lost and I had an enjoyable Saturday. (The way things should be!)

While Celtics’ nation watched their team’s season end, I watched reruns of Seinfeld; I don’t have to tell you that I laughed my ass off! (Sorry for telling you!) I guess I’m just not into the NBA anymore. That being said, I will watch some of the Finals in hopes of witnessing Miami lose.

While flipping through the channels, I found a great documentary, Stephen Hawking’s Grand Design: Did God Create The Universe? The brilliant physicist explained why the universe was not created by “god.” (Great documentary, but I didn’t need a genius to speak on the matter in order to arrive at that conclusion!)

The film began with the Vikings. (Not the mediocre team from Minnesota! Go Broncos!) It was interesting to see that the real Vikings believed solar eclipses happened when one of their gods attempted to eat the sun. The warriors would scream and threaten the starving god, which they believed would caused him to stop and the sun would reappear. (Silly, I know!)

When scientists discovered the laws of nature, the Church attempted to stop the progress by calling such thought “heresy.” After realizing that they were fighting a losing battle, the Church switched their views. Instead of denying the laws of nature, they decided that “god” governed the laws of nature. (How fitting!) I’m not going to get into every detail; I’m sure most people who have an interest in the subject will be able to find the film on the Discovery Channel.

I definitely agree with Hawking’s statement that the discovery of a heliocentric solar system and how it works is human kind’s greatest achievement. It’s amazing how many ridiculous notions have been disproved by science. The religions of the world should fear the future because soon, humans will look back and find it impossible to believe that people actually prayed to “god.” (The stars were once thought to be chinks in the floor of Heaven! YIKES!)

It was interesting to hear about a 1985 meeting between Pope John Paul II and a group of scientists in which the Pope said it was OK for scientists to study how the universe works as long as they do not attempt to seek out its origin. (I’m sure he was considering the Vatican’s vast wealth and thinking “god help us if they discover it’s all a bunch of bullshit!”)

I believe a world devoid of religion would lead to great discoveries. If people stop fighting over nonsensical beliefs and stopped wasting time worrying about being judged by “nothing,” we could pool all of our resources on earth and use them to search the universe. There is so much out there and we continue to retard our progress because there is a strong, albeit ridiculous, belief that the mysteries of the universe will be revealed by “god,” in the afterlife. It sucks that humans continue to waste precious time with such nonsense. We are so far behind in our goal of uncovering the mysteries of the universe, but I guess it’s better to be alive today rather than in the days when “the sun revolved around the earth!”

The conclusion of the documentary provided me with the answer I’ve been searching for. I realize that the universe created itself and I have a basic understanding of how energy works, but I always wondered what came prior; the answer was explained perfectly. Time didn’t exist before the universe. (The statement will make perfect sense after watching the film!)

“Asking the question: did ‘god’ create the universe, doesn’t make any sense! It’s like asking for directions to the edge of the earth; the earth is a sphere and has no edge. It would be futile to search for one!” – Stephen Hawking

The way I see it, I’m going to agree with the genius, but I understand if others decide to agree with a book that has two beginnings and an unknown number of authors, written over the span of a century, about three thousand years ago! Sadly, faith continues to be the biggest enemy of education!

If you earned a degree and you still believe in a higher power, you should contact your institute of higher learning and demand your money back; you may have passed but the professors failed you!

@PeteTeix617

An Overdue Conversation

I’m skeptical when it comes to psychics but I decided to give the experience a try and see what all the hype was about. I drove to Hollywood and found a “reputable” medium to help me uncover the world of the unknown.

I don’t really have any desire to know what will happen in my future so there was no point in going down that path. I did have some questions that I wanted answered, but there was no need for me to ask any of them; the psychic already had something planned for me.

“I will answer the main question that has plagued you for most of your life.” She said confidently.

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and I seriously thought about demanding my money back and storming out of the cuckoo’s nest, but curiosity got the best of me. (Thank goodness I’m not a cat!)

After a few minutes of preparation, the psychic held my hands and asked me to close my eyes. I followed several more instructions and eventually found myself in the middle of an out-of-body experience.

Before I knew it, I was in a strange place. There was no furniture due to the fact that the floor was comfortable enough for me to either lie flat on or sit; I never experienced a more relaxing setting. There was a woman stroking a harp in one corner, but she did not seem to notice my arrival. The walls seemed to be made of some weird reinforced cloud material; they were deceptively strong but soft to the touch. Leaning up against the wall felt like jumping onto a five thousand thread count comforter atop a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

Initially, I thought that I was the only other person in the room, but after gathering my bearings I realized there were two beings at the other end of the room. I couldn’t make out their form, but these two were clearly not human beings. I wasn’t sure if I should approach them, but I didn’t have a choice so I walked to where they were standing.

When I got within earshot I said hello, but they didn’t seem to hear me. It turns out these two were in the middle of a conversation. I wasn’t sure if they could see me or if I was invisible. Their bodies were made out of what appeared to be some sort of mist, which continued to take on different forms. One of the beings was about twice the size of the other and it changed shapes more frequently.

I didn’t want to be nosy, but there was nothing I could do other than sit on the comfortable floor and wait until they were done talking.

Here is what I heard.

Being 1: “What is it now; why are you always angry? You’re the only person in my kingdom who is never happy.”

Being 2: “Nothing is wrong. Anyway, I thought you knew everything?”

Being 1: “I can’t take it anymore. You’ve been angry for almost two thousand years but recently, you’ve been unbearable. What is bothering you?”

Being 2: “You never apologized for making me go through the unspeakable pain. You have no idea what it was like.”

Being 1: “I thought we discussed this? You agreed to make the sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

Being 2: “I know I agreed, but I feel like you didn’t appreciate what I did.”

Being 1: “Of course I appreciate it. There are monuments all over the world dedicated to your memory. What more do you want? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

[As I sat on the floor, I realized who these beings were. I was in the presence of God and Jesus. I couldn’t believe it!]

Jesus: “The crucifixion was horrible, but that’s not what is bothering me.”

God: “Then what is it?”

Jesus: “I don’t want to talk about it because you wouldn’t understand.”

God: “After two thousand years of you being angry, there is no way I’m dropping this, now; tell me why you’re angry.”

Jesus: “Why did I have to die a virgin?”

God: “What?”

Jesus: “On earth. You sent me to save the human souls, and I didn’t get to enjoy the entire experience.”

God: “Is that what has been bothering you, all these years?”

Jesus: “Yes! Seriously, what was the point? I sacrificed my life by dying the most excruciating death, and for what; all we are left with is a Church whose leadership is full of pedophiles and pedophile sympathizers. I feel cheated.”

God: “I understand that things haven’t exactly worked out, but why are you mad at me? I never said you couldn’t have sex.”

Jesus: “You never said it but you implied it with all that ‘set an example’ talk.”

God: “I said set an example, but I never placed a restriction on sex. I understand that you are frustrated, but don’t try and blame me; you could have slept with whichever woman you desired.”

Jesus: “I guess you’re right; I only have myself to blame.”

God: “I always wondered why you didn’t sleep with any women. I figured you didn’t have any interest. You were always around so many men; there was one point I actually thought you were gay.”

Jesus: ”I wasn’t gay; I just had trouble speaking when I was in the company of a beautiful woman. I never knew how to break the ice.”

God: “Are you kidding me? I gave you the power to perform miracles. You could have had any woman you wanted. I can’t count how many times I saw you pass up some of my best work.”

Jesus: “For many years, I didn’t understand it either, but after watching the Forty Year-Old Virgin, I realized that I was putting the pussy on a pedestal. The sad thing is, I never discovered how to stop glorifying the pussy.”

God: “What do you mean?”

Jesus: “I waited so long to have sex that it eventually became an unattainable goal. My friends tried to tell me that I was over-thinking things, but I was too afraid to take the first step; I always got too nervous”

God: “Why didn’t you just have one of the guys bring someone for you? Your apostles were some serious players; between the group, I think half of Jerusalem went down.”

Jesus: “Yeah, Simon slept next door and he never had a night off. It’s not fair; I want to go back so I can have an orgasm.”

God: “I knew you never had sex, but I didn’t know you never had an orgasm.”

Jesus: “Well, I kind of had one.”

God: “What do you mean, ‘kind of?’”

Jesus: “There was this one time that I woke up from a wet dream; it was horrible.”

God: “Were you scared because it was the first time you saw semen?”

Jesus: “No. The guys already explained that to me. I said it was horrible because it was my first orgasm and I missed it. Do you know how frustrating it is to wake up, drenched in your own jizz, but completely missing out on the orgasm? It fucking sucks, dad!”

God: “Yeah, I guess that is pretty bad.”

Jesus: “It always bothered me that I never had sex, but recently it’s been unbearable; these humans are out of control. I can’t take it anymore. Do you not see how these people are living? With all these tiny cameras and smart phones, a new porn star is made every other minute of the day. I can’t look at earth, for a second, without seeing some slut whooping it up and showing the goods! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT PUSSY FEELS LIKE!”

God: “Yeah, I feel like it’s Sodom and Gomorrah all over again?”

Jesus: “Did you ever have sex?”

God: “Of course. I definitely took the form of a human being and slept with a few women in my early years.”

Jesus: “Can I go back? I need to have sex!”

God: “You’re my son and I want you to be happy, but what happens if I send you back and you freeze up?”

Jesus: “Are you kidding me? There is no way I’ll freeze up. If you send me back, I’ll bang everything in sight; it’s a completely different world; women are sleeping with men for cheeseburgers.”

[I let out a loud sneeze and the two beings turn to face me.]

Jesus: “My dad blesses you.”

Me: “Thanks.”

God: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “I went to see a psychic and she sent me here. I guess she wanted me to see that you were real. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, on your conversation, but when I said ‘hello’ no one seemed to notice me.”

God: “Is there anything you need to know before I send you back?”

Me: “Yeah! I’ve been an atheist for some time now and I’m wondering if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to enter Heaven. after I die?”

God: “Of course,I forgive you; I’m not happy with the religions of the world. Most of those people will be taking the elevator to the ground level after they die. Honestly, If I lived on earth, I’d be an atheist too!”

Me: “This is refreshing; I always figured that the two of you quoted the bible whenever you spoke. That would have been annoying.”

God: “I have nothing to do with that book. I sent Jesus to teach the humans that the Bible is a bunch of made-up mythological stories and not my word, but instead of listening to him, they went ahead and added a new freaking Testament. I gave up trying to get through to those religious nuts!”

Me: “I hear you; they’re impossible to reason with.”

Jesus: “Hey dad, since you’re about to send this guy back to earth, can I just tag along?”

Me: “That’s cool with me. And Bro, I’m glad you finally got all those feelings off your chest; unnecessary stress can kill you.”

Jesus: “Thanks!”

God: ”That’s not how it works. I have to plan these things out to ensure that we do not upset the balance of the universe. You will go to earth, in due time.”

Jesus: “Ok, I can wait; I guess.”

God: “Here is what will happen. I will send our friend here back to earth and he will prepare for your visit. I will ensure that his novel will be published and it will be a great success. I will also see to it that the screenplay he co-wrote with his cousin will be picked up by a major production company; I read the script and I laughed my ass off!”

Me: “Wow, thanks God! You’re the best; I can’t believe you enjoyed the script. What about the manuscript; did you get a chance to read it?”

God: “I did read it and I loved your book. You should be proud of your finished products.”

Me: “This is unbelievable. Is there anyway  you can make me cry tears of joy?”

[It appears that God is pointing his index finger towards me.]

God: “Here you go.”

[Tears begin to flow from my eyes.]

Me: “Thanks, big guy!”

God: “Once you achieve great success, you will prepare for my son’s arrival. It will be your duty to ensure that he sows his wild oats.”

Jesus: “YES! It’s about time for my second coming!”

Me: “Yeah, especially since the first one was during a wet dream.”

[They both laugh.]

Jesus: “I’m going to find a hot scientist and give her the Big Bang!”

[We all laugh.]

Me: “This will definitely be an experience.”

God: “I’ll work out the details and one of my angels will notify you before Jesus’ arrival.”

Me: “Ok. Thanks again for the kind words.”

God: “Keep up the good work.”

Me: “Hey, before I go; did Michael Jackson molest those boys?”

God: “What are you TMZ? Get your nosy ass out of here!”

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive subject.”

God: “I’m just not into gossiping.”

[I turn to Jesus.]

Me: “Don’t worry big bro; I’m going to build the largest most panty-droppingest mansion, ever. You’ll be taking that pussy down from the pedestal in no time!”

Jesus: “I can’t wait!”

[In the blink of an eye, I return to the room with the psychic. She knew that I saw the Lord, but she didn’t get to hear what was discussed. I thanked her for the assistance, before leaving, but didn’t feel the need to share any of the details and she never inquired.]

{THE END}

I can’t wait to carry out the mission!

@PeteTeix617

When WWJD Goes Bad

Most people are familiar with the New York mafia. The Commission, made up of the Five Families ruled the underworld with the precision of a hidden underground mafia organization. (Sometimes, I just don’t feel like coming up with analogies!)

What people fail to realize is the fact that there was one ruling family, The Vaticano, which ran the criminal underworld prior to the Five Families. The family’s patriarch, Don Agostino, was an extremely religious man who ruled with the ruthlessness of a 15th Century Roman Catholic Pope. (Sometimes, I love creating analogies!)

Don Agostino killed indiscriminately, but he loved the lord and believed that it was the god’s will for him to rid the world of sinners. (This guy was more hypocritical than the Pope condemning pedophilia!)

The Don often quoted the bible before sending out one if his henchmen to perform a hit on an enemy. Don Agostino believed that he was lord of the underworld and his soldiers were his lions. The Don often paraphrased 1 Kings 20:35-36. Is most famous line was, “since my enemies did not obey the voice of the lord, a lion will kill him.” (The Don never understood the concept of blasphemy!)

Although he was an evil man who committed unspeakable acts, Don Agostino often asked himself, “what would Jesus do” before making difficult decisions. Strangely, the Don believed that he was living in the image of Christ. The family continued to rule the criminal underworld in the United States for a quarter of a century, until one major decision ended his reign.

The Don didn’t believe in having one underboss, so he appointed a commission of six trusted advisers. Five of the men are well-known, but the sixth man’s name is never to be mentioned again. The five advisers were named Tommy Lucchese, Vito Genovese, Carlo Gambino, Joe Bonanno, and Joe Profaci. It was Carlo Gambino who uncovered a secret plot against the Don Agostino. Gambino revealed that the sixth advisor was planning to assassinate Don Vaticano, in order to take over the family.

The Don thanked Carlo Gambino for his loyalty then retreated to his library in order to plan his course of action. This is where the Don made his fatal mistake. Don Agostino Vaticano asked himself, “what would Jesus Do?” After a long night of contemplation, the Don arranged a dinner with his six advisers.

The Don wanted to have a last supper with his most trusted underbosses. The dinner was set for Easter Sunday, and located at a five star restaurant in the middle of Manhattan. The seven men enjoyed a delectable meal, and then the Don stood up to speak.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “I want to thank all of you for your loyalty. Together, we have ruled this country and made millions of dollars. I wish this was a celebratory dinner, but I speak with a heavy heart.”

The Don’s eyes began to water as he spoke. The men were speechless while they sat and watched their fearless leader struggle to address them. After a moment to compose himself, the Don continued.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “It has been brought to my attention that one of you is planning to betray me. This news has caused me a great deal of anguish; the six of you are like sons to me. I decided to have this last dinner before our family is torn apart; I will deal with the dissenter in the appropriate manner.”

The Don made the decision to follow in Jesus’ footsteps, but it was a rookie mistake. The sixth advisor realized that his plan was no longer a secret so he did the only thing he could do; he brandished a firearm and shot Don Agostino in cold blood. Carlo Gambino reacted quickly and shot the traitor before he could cause any more damage.

The Don died instantly. He did not have any sons, so the five remaining advisers created a commission and split up the city amongst themselves.

[The End]

     If you ever find yourself in a conundrum, don’t ask, “what would Jesus do?” (Unless you want to die as he did!)

***This was a true story based on a fictional tale, created by me!***

     Personally, I think Jesus would go all out for a Klondike Bar. This may seem like a difficult question to answer, but it’s pretty obvious what would happen. First, Jesus would invent a massive chest freezer, since refrigeration wasn’t invented during his mythical life on earth. The next thing Jesus would do is recreate his famous “fish trick,” by cloning more Klondike Bars. (I chose to go with cloning because we all know Jesus was about that science life!) Once Jesus filled the freezer with a year’s supply of Klondike Bars, he would make the owner of the original ice cream bar as his most trusted apostle. The two men would then offer a free Klondike Bar to everyone who accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. The people who failed to follow Christ, would be banished to Hell. (In this instance, Hell is simply being forced to live in Jerusalem’s desert climate without a Klondike Bar!)

Please feel free to submit your answers to the all-important question, “WHAT WOULD JESUS DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR!”

I believe it was Forrest Gump who said, “religion is like a box of chocolates; you have to pay for it!”

@PeteTeix617

There Is Nothing To Fear

Recently, I received a recommendation to review an article from PsychologyToday.com. The piece was written by Dr. Ken Eisold and titled The Fear of Atheism. Apparently, the United States has more in common with “lesser developed” nations, than other “Western” countries.

Basically, Dr. Eisold believes that most Americans are overly religious and afraid of atheists. The way I see it, believers have it easy and atheism threatens their comfort zone. Whenever believers are met with challenging situations they turn to “god.” This is the mythical character that is all-powerful. Instead of taking control of their lives, believers leave their fate up to their imaginary friend. I guess the reason for turning to “god” is so people can hide behind, “it wasn’t the lord’s will,” rather than come to the realization that they just didn’t work hard enough. (Life must be pretty simple when you have a crutch to lean on!)

I get it; losing faith and understanding there is no higher power, leaves people without their safety blanket. Believers don’t fear atheism, they fear losing their “protector.” We live in a scary world so I understand the need to create an omniscient being who watches over the “good” people. (Some people can face life’s challenges on their own!)

The article is a good read and I found the most fascinating bits of information to be the statistics. Dr. Eisold reports that 48% of Americans would disapprove of their children marrying an atheist; marrying a Muslim, ranked slightly higher with only 33.5% of Americans opposing. (I shed one invisible, all-powerful tear when I read those numbers!)

Dr. Eisold also reveals that atheists are the lowest of the low. A study found that “Americans ranked atheists lower than Muslims, recent immigrants, gays and lesbians and other minority groups in ‘sharing their vision of American society.”

This study is quite revealing. The way I see it, believers are extremely hateful people!

     Another disturbing fact is about the “closet atheists.” Some people are forced to keep the truth to themselves in order to remain members of their respective communities. There are atheists who live in small towns where they are forced to hide their knowledge. The one case mentioned in the article is about a single lesbian mother who lives in a small town, in Texas. (Single? Lesbian? Mother? That’s what I call a three-time offender; I’m surprised they haven’t strung her up, yet!)

***I have never been to a small town in Texas so I can’t really comment, but I don’t hear good things! (If my comment was offensive, forgive me and allow “god” to punish me!)***

     Obviously, this must have been a misprint because small towns in Texas have yet to evolve, so I’m not sure we can group them in with the rest of America. (If you know of someone who is trapped in a small Texas town, do everything in your power to free the individual from their bondage!)

I must be weird because I jump at the chance to tell someone that I don’t believe in “god.” (I guess I just love to see the look of consternation on their face!)

NO OFFENSE!

     To believers, I say fear the atheist; for he reveals a truth that you are ill prepared to receive!

@PeteTeix617

The Devil Inside

A few days ago, a friend of mine recommended this movie and I agreed to write about my thoughts. In the past, movies about exorcism would scare the bejesus out of me. (Is the word bejesus blasphemous?)

If you look back at most of the exorcism horror films, you will notice that they are pretty boring. The only reason people find them to be entertaining is because believers are scared of the devil. I know I found them to be extremely horrific. I had too many sleepless nights after watching one of these scary movies. (Especially while in Seattle!)

Now that I’m an atheist, I just see these movies for what they are; boring! The way my friend amped up this film, I really hoped it would be good, but I was disappointed. I won’t go into any details other than to say, there was no ending. I know the film was based on a “true” story, but this was a Hollywood film; viewers need an ending. (I want my two hours back!)

There is a corresponding website with facts about the actual case, but I found the material to be lacking when it comes to “realness!” I poked around for a few minutes, but I lost interest pretty quickly.

There were some creative scenes and the possibility to make a better film, but the director either ran out of money or lacked the creativity to push the viewer to the edge of his or her seat. (I almost fell asleep a few times!)

That being said, I recommend this movie. The way I see it, if I had to sit through and watch this lackluster “hit,” you should suffer the same fate! (Who knows, you may actually find the movie to be chilling!)

Officially, I rate The Devil Inside a “SNOOZEFEST” with potential. The entire production crew receives an “I” for incomplete! GO BACK AND FINISH THE FILM, JERKS! (Altogether, watching the film wasn’t a complete loss because I saw a lot of opportunities for scarier scenes. I watched a really good movie called The Devil Inside: Inside Pete’s Head. My version was awesome!)

This is the DVD cover.

     SPOILER ALERT: The lady pictured above plays absolutely no role in the film. She appears for half a second and never returns. She has no lines and there is no mention of her. WHY THE FUCK IS SHE ON THE COVER? (This woman is also on the cover of the film in my head, but in my version, she is possessed and plays a major role. This woman is not only possessed, her body is overtaken by Satan. That’s right folks; the devil is inside this woman! My movie rocks!)

[REVIEW END]

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***Due to the fact that I believe I possess the ability to be the greatest rapper alive, I will randomly display my lyrical genius at the end of select posts! (For the record, I don’t want to be a rapper!)***

Why I’m the greatest rapper alive {1}:

The twenties were my dark ages; I was only half bad,

Call me medieval; I saw the light I’m past that! 

@PeteTeix617

33 Certified Facts

Here is a list of some random facts that I learned during my time on earth. Each year, i learned one new thing. There is no method to my madness. If I think of it, I will write it. (I’ll probably have to censor some things because some of the things I come up with may be a bit much for some people!)

  1. People love reading lists!
  2. There will never be a woman who surpasses her man’s natural whoredom. It is important for women to figure out the best way to deal with her man’s insatiable appetite to sleep with other women. (Luckily, just because the man has urges, doesn’t mean that he will cheat!)
  3. Racism exists, but it can only prevent you from being in the presence of racist people. Racism will not keep people from achieving. STOP WITH THE EXCUSES!
  4. The Denver Broncos are the best team in the National Football League.
  5. Sometimes, it’s best to work on fixing a relationship with a cheater. More often than not, the next person you date will probably cheat as well. (This advice is for the dependent people who are incapable of finding happiness when single!)
  6. Just because a large group of people agree on something, doesn’t mean that they are correct. Sometimes, the blind will lead the blind.
  7. Scarface is the most entertaining movie of all-time! Furthermore, the Scarface score is unmatched!
  8. Children should not be allowed to read the bible. Seriously, there is an abundance of explicit material in that novel. “God” probably forgot to leave out the naughty details! (Maybe I’m insane, but I find it weird to have a book of faith that is rated NC-17!)
  9. (A) People who say, “only ‘god’ can judge me,” are usually ashamed of their actions. We will all be judged by those who surround us and we are responsible for what we do. If you do not want to be judged, act accordingly. (B) The same thing applies for people who say, “you can’t know what I’m going through unless you walk in my shoes.” More likely than not, what they are really saying is, “you’re right, but I don’t want to give you the satisfaction.” Humans have been around for thousands of years and it’s all been done before. Your experiences are not unique!
  10. OJ Simpson did it!
  11. The Florida Gators are the best team in NCAA football.
  12. Secrets are to be kept to oneself. If you tell someone a secret, you might as well tell everyone.
  13. Every time a woman sleeps with a new man, another piece of her father’s heart dies. (Being a dad can’t be easy!)
  14. Stand-up comedy material gets less funny each time you hear it. It’s the same with heroin; you will never recreate the first experience!
  15. Never get high on your own supply. (It’s probably a good idea to avoid getting high, all together!)
  16. Contrary to popular belief, more often than not, snitches do not get stitches. They usually testify in court and help to put away the guilty defendants.
  17. It doesn’t matter if a woman is hot; after a month or so, her man would rather sleep with almost any other woman. Yes, even if the new girl is a lot less sexy. The good news is there are “good guys” who can fight the urge and remain faithful! (It is a relationship long fight, and women should appreciate the struggle!)
  18. The Boston Red Sox is the best franchise in Major League Baseball.
  19. Unlike believers who perform good deeds in order to appease their “father,” incest-free atheists do good things because they want to.
  20. Boston Latin School is the world’s best high school.
  21. Alcohol makes for a good time, but no matter how disciplined you think you may be, everyone will have those memorable drinking experiences.
  22. A whore will always be a whore.
  23. People will swear that their favorite artist is the best, but the truth is we all have the ability to like every album; you just have to listen to the songs enough times and you will learn to appreciate the music. Comparing artists and songs is as pointless as OJ searching for the “real” killer.
  24. Most people who complain about how, “there are no good men, (or women) out there,” are usually unfit to date. The “un-good” usually hang in the same circles.
  25. (A) The Boston Celtics is the best team in the National Basketball Association. (B) It doesn’t matter how many championships the Lakers win, they SUCK!
  26. Never tell a woman to stay away from a guy, because “he is a dog.” This will only help the fellow in his quest to bed the naïve damsel.
  27. Atheist live happier lives than believers. We do not have an overbearing all-powerful being who peeps on our every move. The freedom cannot be expressed in words.
  28.  The older you get, the more you realize that some “respected” women were and still are whores.
  29. A man cannot turn a whore into a housewife, but the whore can change her ways if she makes a commitment to bettering herself. Like all addictions, the whore must live one day at a time! (Even if she makes the drastic change, number 22 still applies!)
  30. Religion, faith, and spirituality are all invented by man.
  31. Regardless of what people say, no living person can know what happens after death. Your guess is as good as anyone else’s. (Excluding all of my hypotheses!)
  32. Many people are dealing with STDs. Be careful out there; just because you aren’t aware of each diagnosis, doesn’t mean your inner circle is unaffected.
  33. Technology will be the downfall of man.

<BONUS> April is the greatest month!

Hopefully, I will learn one more fact in the next 365 days!

@PeteTeix617