The Second Coming

Part II {Read the first part in the previous post. An Overdue Conversation}

 

I’m fresh up out my coma…

I got my Momma and my Daddy and my homies in my co’na…

It’s gonna take a miracle they say…

For me to walk again and talk again but anyway…

I get, fronted some KIs…

To get, back on my feet…

And everything the homie said came to reality…

Living like a baller loc…

Having money, and blowing hella chronic smoke…

I bought my Momma a Benz, and bought my boo boo a Jag…

And now I’m rolling in a nine-trizzay L Dogg Rag…

Wait a minute. Those are the lyrics to Snoop’s ‘Murder Was The Case.’ Sorry about that…points off my grade.

Everything promised, to me, came true. Obviously, the big guy is no liar; we all know he is great and powerful. Especially after he saved that Dorothy chick and her little dog!

****** (Most people credit Paris Hilton with creating the little doggy trend, but Dorothy was the true O.G. when it comes to rolling with a miniature pup. She also started the red bottoms craze…that girl was way ahead of her time.) ******

I sat on the balcony of my beach front mansion and watched the waves crash into the unlucky bathers who are probably wishing that the Pacific Ocean was a few degrees warmer. As I sat thinking of a billion dollar invention to heat up the shark infested water, a star appeared in the sky. I was amazed at how bright it was. The star wasn’t brighter than the others; it was the only visible light through the thick Los Angeles fog. For a few seconds, it appeared that the star was getting closer, and the light grew blinding.

Little did I know; this was no star. I was being visited by an angel.

Angel: “God evening.”

Me: “Hello. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Angel: “I am angel.”

Me: “I am human.”

Angel: “No, moron. My name is Angel.”

Me: “Oh…my bad. I was wondering why god sent a slow angel.”

Angel: “Don’t you mean retarded angel?”

Me: “No. You can’t say that word; it offends people.”

Angel: “You know I can read your mind; I know you wanted to say ‘retarded.’”

[I laugh.]

Me: “So, when is Jesus coming…no homo?”

Angel: “Don’t you mean ‘when is he coming…extra homo?’ You know I can read your mind.”

[We laugh.]

Me: “Definitely not. Keep on playing and I’ll send him back an extra virgin.”

[He laughs.]

Angel: “Ok. I guess there isn’t really anything to do, other than give you his arrival date since you seem prepared.”

Me: “Great! What day?”

Angel: “He will be here tomorrow.”

[The angel disappears.]

I didn’t sleep well that night. The anticipation of Jesus returning to earth was too much excitement. It only makes sense for the big guy to choose me as The Christ Chaperone…I guess I am the second coming of the apostle Peter. Unlike the previous guy, I am not sharing the limelight with anyone else.

I was awakened by a bright light. I struggled to open my eyes, but I was finally able to make out a man standing at the foot of my bed. He appeared to be of Indian decent.

Me: “Who the hell are you?”

Figure: “It’s me, Jesus.”

Me: “Why the hell did you choose to be Indian? Do you not know that most of the billion citizens are not Catholics? You’re definitely not a big deal over there.”

Jesus: “Of course I know. I’m going to convert them once they see my new face.”

Me: “That’s actually a great idea.”

Jesus: “Yeah, dad knows what he is doing.”

Me: “I’ve been waiting for you. I hope you’re ready! I have a slut in the other room and she is ready to yell out your dad’s name.”

Jesus: “What? That’s too early…I’m not ready right now.”

ME: “WHAT? I can’t believe you’re freezing up again. You’re dad is going to be pissed.”

Jesus: “I’m not freezing up…I just want to do it with a girl I choose.”

Me: “How long is that going to take?”

Jesus: “I don’t know…maybe a couple nights.”

[I start laughing.]

Me: “I’m just messing with you.”

Jesus: “Oh…yeah; I knew that.”

Me: “Sure! I see that you didn’t get any of that ‘all knowing’ stuff from your dad. You definitely got your smarts from your uneducated mother.”

Jesus: “Who said my mother was uneducated?”

Me: “C’mon. Everyone knows women didn’t go to school back in those days.”

[I wink.]

Me: “The good O’le days!”

Jesus: “The what?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding.”

Jesus: “What are you going to do when you end up in Heaven and have to face my mother.”

Me: “Not sure…depends if she is a M.I.L.F. or not!”

[He grows angry.]

Jesus: “What did you just say?”

[I can’t help but laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding…I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

Jesus: “I’m not sensitive; I just didn’t hear what you said. I have had trouble hearing from my left ear, since the crucifixion.”

Me: “Oh, damn. I didn’t know. Why can’t your dad fix it?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You’re an idiot. I have the power to perform miracles and you think I have a bad ear?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m definitely slipping.”

Jesus: “No…you’re just dumb.”

Me: “Let’s go do something.”

Jesus: “It’s your town. You tell me what we’re going to do.”

Me: “Actually, your dad pretty much owns the entire universe so it’s really your town.”

Jesus: “Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should trust an idiot with this decision; ths is my first night.”

[I begin to sing.]

Me: “If I could walk on water, would you believe in me.”

[He shakes his head.]

Jesus: “I hate that fucking song.”

Me: “First of all, the song is great, and secondly, who the hell said you can curse?”

Jesus: “I can do whatever the hell I want. What are you my mom?”

Me: “No, but I am your chaperone and you will respect me.”

Jesus grows larger and spreads his arms out over his head and begins to yell.

Jesus: “You shall Respect ME!”

For a second, the room goes black. Suddenly, I seem to be tiny. I look in the mirror and discover that I am now a ladybug.

Me: “Change me back or…”

Jesus: “Or what?”

Me: “Or…or I will not help you get laid. I’ll tell women that you are a virgin. Annnnd a pedophile.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I’m not a fucking pedophile.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “It’s going to take some time for me to get used to you swearing.”

Jesus: “It’s not that big a deal.”

Me: “Yes it is. And yes, you are a pedophile.”

Jesus: “You’re an idiot.”

Me: “Ok, you’re not a pedophile, but your priests are.”

Jesus: “They’re not my fucking priests.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “C’mon. Just change me back.”

Jesus: “Ok. But first, you have to beg.”

Me: “Just change me back.”

He crosses his arms and bows his head quickly. I turn back into myself.

Me: “What the hell! Did you just pull a genie move from the television show?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You know it.”

Me: “Seriously. We have to set rules, because I’m not dealing with that type of nonsense.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “Now look at who is sensitive.”

Me: “Ok, we don’t need rules, but you can’t abuse me. I’m trying to help you out.”

Jesus: “Alright, I get what you are saying.”

Me: “Cool! Let’s go, jerk.”

Jesus: “What did I do to deserve that?”

[We laugh.]

The night turned out to be a success. We got some food then hit up a few bars in Hollywood. Jesus was a big hit, and it appeared that he was ready to lose his virginity.

The following morning, I woke up early and made some breakfast.

Jesus: “That smells good. What did you make for breakfast?”

Me: “Some eggs, bacon and home fries.”

Jesus: “Sounds good…I’m starving.”

Me: “Yeah, I woke up feeling the same way.”

Jesus: “Where is my plate?”

Me: “I didn’t make any for you.”

Jesus: “What the hell?”

[I shrug my shoulders and continue to eat.]

Jesus: “Why didn’t you make some for me?”

Me: “It’s every man for himself around here.”

Jesus: “That is very selfish of you, but not a problem.”

[A plate of food appears on the table.]

Me: “Must be nice!”

Jesus: “Yup!”

Me: “Did you have fun last night?”

Jesus: “Yeah. It was great.”

Me: “Did you see anything worth a poke?”

Jesus: “On Facebook?”

[I shake my head in disapproval.]

Jesus: “Sorry, but I had to.”

Me: “I guess.”

Jesus: “I did like the girl from the pizza place.”

Me: “Oh yeah! I completely forgot about her. You stole my phone and texted her all night. You missed out on some hot chicks.”

Jesus: “Not really. I like Cece.”

Me: “So is she the one?”

Jesus: “Yeah, I think so.”

Me: “When is it going down? Or should I say, when is she going down?”

Jesus: “She’s not some random whore…I’m going to take her out on a proper date and let things happen as they will.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s exactly what I said. Let me rephrase. When are you going to bang the slut?”

[He gets annoyed and shakes his head disapprovingly.]

Jesus: “You’re a moron.”

Me: “When is the date?”

Jesus: “I’m meeting her this afternoon, and we’re going to hang out all day.”

Me: “Sounds like a lot of work. If I had the power to perform miracles, I’d be on chick number 17 by now.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I don’t think we are looking for the same thing.”

Me: “You’re right about that. I have no desire to land in the friend zone.”

[He shakes his head.]

 

Jesus left the mansion to go on his date with Cece. I waited up all night, but he never returned. The following afternoon, I decided to sit by the pool until he finally arrived.

Me: “There he is. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something different about you.”

Jesus: “No. I’m exactly the same.”

Me: “Are you serious? What the hell did you do…spend the night and read Bible versus to each other?”

Jesus: “No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “What happened? Did you freeze up?”

Jesus: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about what happens between me and Cece.”

Me: “You mean Cece and I.”

[Jesus is annoyed.]

Jesus: “Ha ha. What is that…a you banged Cece joke?”

Me: “No, I was correcting your grammar. You said me and Cece, but you are supposed to say Cece and I. You are truly your mother’s son.”

Jesus: “Who cares. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “Are you fucking kidding me? You are going to tell me every single detail, or I’m calling your dad.”

Jesus: “How do you plan on doing that?”

Me: “I don’t know…pray, I guess.”

Jesus: “If you must know, I am no longer a virgin.”

Me: “Are you serious? I can’t believe it…my little boy is a man.”

[I wipe away fake tears.]

Jesus: “It was the greatest night of my life.”

Me: “Better than the crucifixion?”

[I laugh.]

Jesus: “You’re the dumbest person I know.”

Me: “What happened?”

Jesus: “I’m not going into personal details. All you need to know is that I performed and she was satisfied. P.S. I am no minute man…Lionel Richie was definitely singing All night long.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I need some details.”

Jesus: “I can tell you that I plan on hanging around for a while.”

Me: “What? What the hell are you talking about”? Don’t tell me you fell in love.”

Jesus: “Cece is great and she has some great ideas.”

Me: “What kind of ideas?”

Jesus: “We were talking and I want to have a son; he will be the next Messiah.”

Me: “Son? Tell me you strapped up.”

Jesus: “You think I waited two thousand years to wear a condom?”

Me: “JESUS CHRIST! I hope you pulled out.”

Jesus: “Of course not. She is on the pill.”

Me: “Oh my GOD! You’re dumber than I thought. That’s what all the groupie whores say.”

Jesus: “She isn’t a whore.”

Me: “I can’t believe this chick might be pregnant.”

Jesus: “There is no might. If I want her to be pregnant she will be, but if I don’t want her to be pregnant, there will be no child.”

Me: “What the hell? I thought your church was against abortion.”

Jesus: “It’s not an abortion.”

Me: “Whatever you say buddy. Sounds like an abortion to me. Good for you.”

Jesus: “You’re a complete idiot.”

Me: “Can you please explain to me why the hell you want to have a child with this chick?”

Jesus: “If I have a son, he can help to convert the non-Christians and bring the entire world together.”

Me: “That’s a dumb idea.”

Jesus: “It’s Cece’s idea and it’s great.”

Me: “I can’t believe this. Two thousand years and you finally get some pussy and you lose your damn mind.”

Jesus: “You’re too dumb to understand the importance of me having a child.”

Me: “You don’t even know this chick and you’re ready to make her the mother of the next Messiah? What’s her real name…I need to do a little background check.”

Jesus: “For what?”

Me: “Because you were born from a virgin and we don’t need your son born from some Biblical groupie slut.”

Jesus: “You don’t even know her.”

Me: “Neither do you.”

Jesus: “Give me your phone.”

[He enters her name and loads her Facebook profile.]

Jesus: “Here.”

Me: “Good! At least you know her name. Let me see. Damn, her page is private.”

Jesus: “Check again.”

Me: “Jeez, you can really do whatever you want.”

Jesus: “Not really. You don’t see me killing you.”

Me: “Relax, I am on your side.”

Jesus: “I can’t wait to tell my dad about Cece’s plan.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Jesus: “Why not?”

[I hand him my phone.]

Jesus: “What the hell is this?”

Me: “That’s Cece’s ass and half of those comments are from guys who clearly have tapped it.”

Jesus: “That’s not necessarily true.”

Me: “NO? Why don’t you call her and ask?”

Jesus: “No problem.”

[He takes the phone and enters the house. He then returns after a long conversation.]

Jesus: “This sucks!”

Me: “What?”

Jesus: “She’s a fucking whore.”

Me: “She admitted it?”

Jesus: “It’s kind of hard for people to lie to me.”

Me: “Oh yeah. Wait…I’m confused. How did you not see this with all of your super powers?”

Jesus: “I don’t know. I guess my mind was clouded because of the sex.”

Me: “Yeah. That makes sense. What did she say.”

Jesus: “She planned on getting pregnant and making me grant her wishes instead of child support.”

Me: “What the hell did she think…that you were the Genie from Aladdin?”

[We both laugh.]

Jesus: “I don’t know, but some of you humans are fucked up people. I think I’m ready to go back. I don’t want to risk sleeping with some super whore who strips me of all my powers.”

[I laugh.]

Me: I don’t think you have to leave, just remember to let your dad do the planning from now on. You’re definitely your mother’s son.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I can’t wait until you have to face her.”

Me: “She seems like a nice lady…I think I will be alright.”

Jesus: “I’ll sleep on it and think about staying.”

Me: “Stay a little longer and we’ll have a blast.”

Jesus: “We’ll see.”

{The End}
@PeteTeix617

 

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An Overdue Conversation

A few days ago, I found this post which is supposed to be part one of two, but I forgot to continue. The desire to write has resurfaced, so I have re-posted this story and will finally finish the second part. (Hope I still have it.)

[Original Story]

I’m skeptical when it comes to psychics but I decided to give the experience a try and see what all the hype was about. I drove to Hollywood and found a “reputable” medium to help me uncover the world of the unknown.

I don’t really have any desire to know what will happen in my future so there was no point in going down that path. I did have some questions that I wanted answered, but there was no need for me to ask any of them; the psychic already had something planned for me.

“I will answer the main question that has plagued you for most of your life.” She said confidently.

I wasn’t sure what she was talking about, and I seriously thought about demanding my money back and storming out of the cuckoo’s nest, but curiosity got the best of me. (Thank goodness I’m not a cat!)

After a few minutes of preparation, the psychic held my hands and asked me to close my eyes. I followed several more instructions and eventually found myself in the middle of an out-of-body experience.

Before I knew it, I was in a strange place. There was no furniture because the floor was comfortable enough to either lie on or sit; I never experienced a more relaxing setting. There was a woman stroking a harp in one corner, but she did not seem to notice my arrival. The walls seemed to be made up of some weird reinforced cloud material. They were deceptively strong but soft to the touch. Leaning up against the wall felt like jumping onto a five thousand thread count comforter atop a Tempur-Pedic mattress.

Initially, I thought that I was the only other person in the room, but after gathering my bearings I realized that there were two beings at the other end of the room. I couldn’t make out their form, but these two were clearly not human beings. I wasn’t sure if I should approach them, but I didn’t have a choice so I walked to where they were standing.

When I got within earshot I said hello, but they didn’t seem to hear me. It turns out that these two were in the middle of a conversation. I wasn’t sure if they could see me or if I was invisible. Their bodies were made out of what appeared to be a mist, which continued to take different forms. One of the beings was about twice the size of the other and changed shapes more frequently.

I didn’t want to be nosy, but there was nothing I could do other than sit on the comfortable floor and wait until they were done talking.

Here is what I heard.

Being 1: “What is it now; why are you always angry? You’re the only person here who is never happy.”

Being2: “Nothing is wrong. Anyway, I thought you knew everything?”

Being1: “I can’t take it anymore. You’ve been angry for two thousand years but recently, you’ve been unbearable. What is bothering you?”

Being2: “You never apologized for making me go through unspeakable pain. You have no idea what it was like.”

Being1: “I thought we discussed this? You agreed to make the sacrifice for the good of humanity.”

Being2: “I know I agreed, but I feel like you didn’t appreciate what I did.”

Being1: “Of course I appreciate it. There are monuments all over the world dedicated to your memory. What more do you want? I don’t understand what the problem is.”

[As I sat on the floor, I realized who these beings were. I was in the presence of God and Jesus. I couldn’t believe it!]

Jesus: “The crucifixion was horrible, but that’s not what is really bothering me.”

God: “Then what is it?”

Jesus: “I don’t want to talk about it because you wouldn’t understand.”

God: “After two thousand years of you being angry, there is no way I’m dropping this now; tell me why you’re angry.”

Jesus: “Why did I have to die a virgin?”

God: “What?”

Jesus: “On earth. You sent me to save the human souls, and I didn’t get to enjoy the entire experience.”

God: “Is that what has been bothering you all these years?”

Jesus: “Yes! Seriously, what was the point? I sacrificed my life by dying the most excruciating death, and for what; all we are left with is a Church whose leadership is full of pedophiles and pedophile sympathizers. I feel cheated.”

God: “I understand that things haven’t exactly worked out, but why are you mad at me? I never said you couldn’t have sex.”

Jesus: “You never said it but you implied it with all that ‘set an example’ talk.”

God: “I said set an example, but I never placed a restriction on sex. I understand that you are frustrated, but don’t try and blame me; you could have slept with whichever woman you desired.”

Jesus: “I guess you’re right; I only have myself to blame.”

God: “I always wondered why you didn’t sleep with any women. I figured you didn’t have any interest. You were always around so many men; there was one point I actually thought you were gay.”

Jesus : ”I wasn’t gay; I just had trouble speaking when I was in the company of a beautiful woman. I never knew how to break the ice.”

God: “Are you kidding me? I gave you the power to perform miracles. You could have had any woman you wanted. I can’t count how many times I saw you pass up some of my best work.”

Jesus: “For many years, I didn’t understand it either, but after watching the Forty Year-Old Virgin, I realized that I was putting the pussy on a pedestal. The sad thing is, I never discovered how to stop glorifying the pussy.”

God: “What do you mean?”

Jesus: “I waited so long to have sex that it eventually became an unattainable goal. My friends tried to tell me that I was overthinking things but I was too afraid to take the first step. I always got too nervous”

God: “Why didn’t you just have one of the guys bring someone for you? Your apostles were some serious players; between the group, I think half of Jerusalem went down.”

Jesus: “Yeah, Simon slept next door and he never had a night off. It’s not fair; I want to go back so I can have an orgasm.”

God: “I knew you never had sex, but I didn’t know you never had an orgasm.”

Jesus: “Well, I kind of had one.”

God: “What do you mean kind of?”

Jesus: “There was this one time that I woke up from a wet dream; it was horrible.”

God: “Were you scared because it was the first time you saw semen?”

Jesus: “No. The guys already explained that to me. I said it was horrible because it was my first orgasm and I missed it. Do you know how frustrating it is to wake up, drenched in your own jizz, and completely missing out on the orgasm? It fucking sucks, dad!”

God: “Yeah, I guess that is pretty bad.”

Jesus: “It always bothered me that I never had sex, but recently it’s been unbearable; these humans are out of control. I can’t take it anymore. Do you not see how these people are living? With all these tiny cameras and smart phones, a new porn star is made every other minute of the day. I can’t look at earth for a second without seeing some slut, whooping it up and showing the goods! I NEED TO KNOW WHAT PUSSY FEELS LIKE!”

God: “Yeah, I feel like it’s Sodom and Gomorra all over again?”

Jesus: “Did you ever have sex?”

God: “Of course. I definitely took the form of a human being and slept with a few women in my early years.”

Jesus: “Can I go back? I need to have sex!”

God: “You’re my son and I want you to be happy, but what happens if I send you back and you freeze up?”

Jesus: “Are you kidding me? There is no way I’ll freeze up. If you send me back, I’ll bang everything in sight; it’s a completely different world; women are sleeping with men for cheeseburgers.”

[I let out a loud sneeze and the two beings turn to face me.]

Jesus: “My dad blesses you.”

Me: “Thanks.”

God: “What are you doing here?”

Me: “I went to see a psychic and she sent me here. I guess she wanted me to see that you were real. I didn’t mean to eavesdrop on your conversation, but when I said hello, no one seemed to notice me.”

God: “Is there anything you need to know before I send you back?”

Me: “Yeah! I’ve been an atheist for some time now and I’m wondering if you can find it in your heart to forgive me and allow me to enter Heaven when I die?”

God: “Of course. I’m not happy with the religions of the world. Most of those people will be taking the elevator to the ground level after they die. Honestly, if I lived on earth, I’d be an atheist too!”

Jesus: “Hey dad, since you’re about to send this guy back to earth, can I just tag along?”

Me: “That’s cool with me.”

God: ”That’s not how it works. I have to plan these things out to ensure that we do not upset the balance of the universe. You will go to earth in due time.”

Jesus: “Ok, I can wait; I guess.”

God: “Here is what will happen. I will send our friend here back to earth and he will prepare for your visit. I will ensure that his novel will be published and it will be a great success. I will also see to it that the screenplay he co-wrote with his cousin will be picked up by a major production company; I read the script and I laughed my ass off!”

Me: “Wow, thanks God! You’re the best; I can’t believe you enjoyed the script. What about the manuscript; did you get a chance to read it?”

God: “I did read it and I loved the book. You should be proud of the finished products.”

Me: “This is unbelievable. Is there any way you can make me cry tears of joy?”

[It appears that God is pointing his index finger towards me.]

God: “Here you go.”

[Tears begin to flow from my eyes.]

Me: “Thanks, big guy!”

God: “Once you achieve great success, you will prepare for my son’s arrival. It will be your duty to ensure that he sows his wild oats.”

Jesus: “YES! It’s about time for my second coming!”

Me: “Yeah, especially since the first one was during a wet dream.”

[They both laugh.]

Jesus: “I’m going to find a hot scientist and give her the Big Bang!”

[We all laugh.]

Me: “This will be an experience.”

God: “I’ll work out the details and one of my angels will notify you before Jesus’ arrival.”

Me: “Ok. Thanks again for the kind words.”

God: “Keep up the good work.”

Me: “Hey, before I go; did Michael Jackson molest those boys?”

God: “What are you TMZ? Get your nosy ass out of here!”

Me: “Sorry, I didn’t know it was such a sensitive subject.”

In the blink of an eye, I return to the room with the psychic. She knew that I saw the Lord, but she didn’t get to hear what was discussed. I thanked her for her assistance before leaving. I didn’t feel the need to share any of the details with her and she never inquired.

I can’t wait to carry out the mission!

{To be continued.}…on the next post! The Second Coming

 

@PeteTeix617

Five Years Of Reminiscence

     Some of you may have noticed the number seven followed a date, at the end of yesterday’s post. The dedication was for my deceased cousin, Kevin, who died on the same date, five years ago; 12/8/06. To read about his tragic accident click the link: Kevin Fidalgo. (Here is the link to the other article:http://www.wickedlocal.com/cambridge/local_news/x1785630283#axzz1g157B4nY)

No one knows what actually happens after death, but there is one certainty; the person continues to live inside of the memories of others. I am an atheist and I highly doubt there is an afterlife, but I hope I am wrong; it would be nice to experience another realm. (For my thoughts on the afterlife, read my post: Where Are All The Dead People, My Conversation With Kevin, Unconventional Endings¸ and Are Ghosts Real.)

Traditionally, I visit my cousin’s grave at least twice a year; once on December 8th and once on June 23rd, his birthday. Since his accident, I spoke with Kevin on a nightly basis; always asking for him to watch over us. This year, once I became an atheist, the routine changed. I no longer wasted my time praying to the dead and a nonexistent “god.” I decided to keep Kevin in my memories and do my best to carry on his passion for living. Although he is dead, he is always with us, because we talk about him, constantly.

I decided to drive to the cemetery, yesterday. When I arrived, the area was empty. There was no eerie feeling or unexplained occurrences. I stepped out of the car and I felt a tad bit silly. I walked to his grave and simply observed. Part of me wanted to have a life changing experience, but I honestly felt like I was looking at a piece of superbly carved stone; nothing more. I didn’t feel the need to talk to Kevin, since he is dead and can’t hear me, so I decided to walk around and I visited the graves of other family members. My journey to the mysterious portal to the afterlife only lasted about fifteen minutes.

I’ll probably visit the gravestone again, in the future, but it will be more about ritual than making a connection. In no way am I trying to discourage people from believing life after death; feel free to talk to your loved ones. I just believe that my way of thinking is better because I keep my cousin’s memory with me every day, instead of waiting to meet in an afterlife which more than likely does not exist.

If you are still out there, Kevin; send me a sign. Write something in the comment section for this post. **I doubt he’ll write anything, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed!**

P.S. Don’t be a dick naughty person and create a fake profile named Kevin, just so you can write some asinine comment; YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT!!!

@PeteTeix617

Great Interviews, BUT…

This entry is my review of Lee Strobel’s book, The Case For Christ. Strobel was a self-proclaimed atheist who used his journalism background to discover Jesus. He is now a Christian and a fervent believer.

The book starts with a compelling story which immediately gains the sympathy of the reader. The tale is of a man who was convicted for a murder because the evidence pointed to his guilt. Strobel worked for a newspaper in Chicago and he discovered new evidence which helped to prove the man’s innocence. The point of the story is to show that Strobel originally believed the evidence proved “god” didn’t exist because he only skimmed the information, but in the end, he discovered a new truth; Strobel now believes in Jesus.

I had one major problem with Strobel’s book; he wanted to approach the question as if it were an actual case. His plan was to interview various experts in order to seek out the truth. That is a huge mistake because bringing the question of the existence of “god” into a courtroom removes the believer’s major defense; faith. Faith will never hold up in a court of law.

The first “expert’s” argument is weak. He was asked to prove that the apostles wrote the gospels. His argument is, the eyewitness is John Doe and he believes that what John Doe said about Jesus is true. Concerning the gospel of John, he actually says, “The name of the author isn’t in doubt—it’s certainly John…the question is whether it was John the apostle or a different John.” (Well, if I wasn’t convinced before, how could I argue with that statement?) I believe this evidence has a name; it is called hearsay. We all know that hearsay would not hold up in a court of law.

The overall premise of the book is to prove that Jesus existed and that the gospels, which “were written by his apostles,” are real. This would mean that the reader must agree, and I do not agree with the statement. The bible is not real; I think it is a book of myths and fairytales. There are many failed attempts to prove the existence of Jesus, but I think it would be pointless to go through each one. At the end of the day, a true atheist will not be swayed by these “facts,” and a believer would support each one as they support the ridiculous bible claims.

That being said, I enjoyed reading the stories and listening to the discussions, but for me this was for entertainment purposes only. Reading the “evidence” was like listening to my nephew and one of his cousins attempting to figure out how I was able to make his card reappear inside the freezer, in a sealed bag of frozen lima beans. They may believe it was magic, but I know the truth.

There is no way of proving Jesus existed, and no way of proving the existing of “god;” religion is based on faith and faith alone. Using the words in the bible to prove the myths are actually real is unbelievably asinine. Three thousand years from now, one could honestly take my series with Joan and use Strobel’s methods to prove that she actually appeared in my room, and that I was in fact, the next in a line of messiahs. (Please leave the scientific methods to the people who don’t believe in magic!)

I honestly don’t think there was such a person named Jesus Christ, but even if he indeed existed, he was not the man depicted in the bible. If we find a myth about an Olympian god who destroyed the city of Pompeii, historians can find proof that the city was destroyed, but it doesn’t prove that the myth is actually true. Jerusalem exists and I’m sure all of the fictitious bible stories are based on actual places, but the tales are not real.

I recommend the book to all people, regardless of anyone’s beliefs. The interviews are wonderful and filled with great information. For non-Christians, the book will serve as a view into how the followers of Christ think, and for Christians, the book will help to reaffirm your faith.

Strobel attempted to do the impossible and he failed; you can’t prove the existence of an entity which does not exist. I honestly hoped to find a challenging manuscript, but this was not it, although entertaining, the arguments fell short. I am still an atheist.

I look forward to reading the other suggested texts!

@PeteTeix617

Fallon The Blind Dolphin

Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws   The Tradition  The Myth

This is the first children’s story to be approved by the new Lord.

     Fallon was born to regular dolphins. His parents, major and Carol, never achieved the ultimate goal of joining Magma’s Nifty Nine; these were the specially chosen dolphins which led Magma during his Basalt Day gift giving journey. Only the fastest and strongest dolphins were chosen.

Fallon, like most dolphins, believed he would grow up and be one of the chosen ones. His supportive father encouraged his only son. Major taught Fallon that anything was possible, but deep down in his heart, he knew his son had absolutely no chance to be one of the Nifty Nine. Fallon was a special dolphin; he was born blind.

The calf suffered a great deal while growing up. The other baby dolphins teased Fallon on a daily basis. Due to his blindness, the young dolphin had an acute sense of hearing; he never missed any of the nasty comments. Each day, Fallon would return home with a face full of tears. Major was unhappy to see his son having so much trouble, but there was nothing that he could do other than continue to encourage his son.

Major told Fallon that he could become one of the Nifty Nine, as long as he didn’t give up hope. Carol didn’t think it was a good idea to lie to their son; she didn’t want to get his hopes up. Major understood why his wife was against lying, but he also wanted his son to always give a maximum effort.

Fallon was a clumsy dolphin. His lack of vision caused him to swim into everything. Each time he bumped into an object, the other dolphins would laugh and make jokes. In the beginning, Fallon always cried, but he eventually developed a strong sense of self and didn’t let the negative comments bother him. Fallon truly believed that he would prove the other dolphins wrong.

One day, while swimming with a group of his peers in the open ocean, Fallon decided to test his speed. He swam as fast as he could, and when fatigue began to set in, he stopped. Fallon asked if he was as fast as the other dolphins, but no one responded; Fallon found himself alone in the middle of the ocean.

The other dolphins saw Luna, a large orca. The calves were always taught to swim away if they ever saw the evil orca, but Fallon was the only one who couldn’t see. Eventually, Luna swam up to Fallon and asked if he was ok. Fallon found Luna to be extremely friendly and answered, yes. It turned out that the dolphins had nothing to fear; Luna was a friendly orca.

Fallon and Luna became great friends. In fact, it was Luna who taught Fallon to use his sonar to guide him. The two best friends practiced every day until Fallon developed the ability to sense everything that surrounded him. Fallon gained the ability to swim at fast speeds without having to worry about bumping into anything. Thanks to the help of his new best friend, Fallon became the fastest calf in the ocean.

The other children thought Fallon was extremely brave because he was the only dolphin who wasn’t afraid of Luna. The other calves cowered near their parents, while Major proudly watched Fallon swim with Luna. Each day, Fallon perfected his other senses to the point that his vision was no longer a hindrance.

It was the week before Basalt Day, and the Nifty Nine practiced for their special journey. Risso, the eldest and leader of the pod, planned on retiring; this would be his last trip. Risso recruited the best dolphins to practice with the Nifty Nine. He would watch them swim and choose a successor. Fallon asked Risso if he could practice with the group, but he was laughed at.

Major told his son that there would be other chances and to keep his head up. Fallon was determined to prove that he had the skills to join the team, and secretly followed the pod. Fallon could sense the challenging movements, from a distance, as the prospects practice under the watchful eye of Risso. Fallon could feel the maneuvers, and he practiced each drill.

Suddenly, there was a large eruption. The Lord gave magma complete control over the earth’s volcanoes, but our hero didn’t fully understand the responsibility and power which he possessed. Magma wanted to test his capabilities and caused an undersea volcano to erupt. He assumed the area was uninhabited, but the eruption happened in the exact location where the pod was practicing.

Volcanic ash filled the ocean, causing the dolphins to lose their ability to see. Unable to gain their bearings, the dolphins found themselves trapped; the pod was able to stay together due to their ropes, but they did not have the ability to escape the disaster. Risso prayed to the Lord and asked him to save the Nifty Nine as well as the prospects, but it seemed as if the group was doomed.

Fallon heard the cries and rushed to the group’s rescue; he called out and Risso answered. Fallon grabbed the rope and promised to lead the terrified dolphins to safety. Fallon used his super sonar abilities to steer clear of the ash. The young dolphin’s speed and power had never been felt before. The group followed his lead, but they remained frightful. Ten minutes later, Fallon stopped swimming and the other dolphins finally opened their eyes. They couldn’t believe it, Fallon saved their lives.

Risso, along with the other dolphins, thanked the young hero and promised to speak to Magma about the talented Fallon. The following day, the Nifty Nine gathered in front of Magma, who asked about the status of the prospects. Risso told the story of Fallon’s heroics and Magma was amazed. He asked each member if Fallon should be Risso’s replacement. Hector, Dusky, Common, Clymene, Spinner, Ganges, Indus, and Striper all answered, affirmatively.

The decision was unanimous and Risso agreed to retire a year early. Magma couldn’t wait to watch the young dolphin lead the special pod. Fallon became the best of the Nifty Nine and he gained the respect of every dolphin in the sea. He also taught the dolphins that Luna was a nice orca; there was nothing to fear. From that day forward, the dolphins learned never to judge anyone before giving them a chance.

THE END

Children’s song about Fallon: (Complete rip off of the Rudolph song!)

 Fallon the blinded dolphin

Couldn’t see a thing at all,

He bumped into all the objects,

Like he was a bouncing ball.

 

All of the other dolphins

 Used to laugh and call him names;

 They never let poor Fallon

Join in any dolphin games.

 

Then before one Basalt Day trip,

The Nifty Nine were trapped,

Fallon used his sonar skills,

And led them through the ash

 

Then how the dolphins loved him

As they shouted out with glee,

Fallon the blinded dolphin,

You’ll go down in history. 

More stories coming soon! Who knows, maybe I’ll even create more songs!

**Children will forget about Rudolph!**

@PeteTeix617

The Revelation

The Myth

This entry is the fifth of a series. Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws   The Tradition

Joan returned on schedule, but I was concerned because she appeared to be visibly upset. She didn’t say hello, in fact she didn’t say anything; Joan just stood in the middle of my room and stared at me, indignantly.

Me: “Are you ok; what’s wrong?”

Joan: “Why did you ignore me this past weekend?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Joan: “I attempted to deliver a message to you, but you ignored me. Why?”

Me: “Are you sure it was me; I was in LA. Maybe someone was sleeping in my bed and you scared the crap out of them.”

Joan: “Of course I’m sure it was you; I decided to take on a different form. The Lord had a suggestion about the myth and I wanted to deliver his message to you.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I honestly had no idea.”

Joan: “I was standing in Hollywood with a microphone and I know you heard me because you wrote a post about it.” (Read said post, here: Second Day: LA)

Me: “That wasn’t you.”

Joan: “Yes it was!”

Me: “You fooled me with the Halloween costume, but you aren’t going to fool me with this one. I know you aren’t going to appear on earth as a Jesus freak!”

[She laughs.]

Joan: “Damn, I thought I could get you, again.”

Me: “Looks like I evened up the score.”

Joan: “Let’s hear the myth.”

Me: “I thought it would be best for me to focus on the fact that the myth should scare children into behaving properly. The character I came up with is called, Herpes Harold. He travels around the world and gives Herpes to the bad children, and his secret home will be inside the Vatican.”

[She laughs.]

Joan: “Please tell me you’re kidding?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I completely forgot about the myth and this is all I was able to come up with.”

Joan: “I like the fact that you are placing shame on the Vatican for their past atrocities, but we need a hero; I can’t believe you forgot.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “Looks like you’ve been had. I believe the score now reads: two to one, in my favor.”

Joan: “I can’t believe I fell for that.”

Me: “Enough joking around; here is what I created. From now on, people will greet one another by saying ‘Happy Basalt Day,’ on October 23rd.”

Joan: “Basalt Day? I’m not sure that’s better than Christmas.”

Me: “Trust me, it will catch on! I decided to focus on the rock, which must be Basalt. Our moral policeman, if you will, is Magma. He is half man, half rock. He lives in an underwater Volcano, deep beneath the Pacific Ocean, and penguins work year round to make the toys.”

Joan: “That’s not bad. Continue.”

Me: “Once St. Peter became the new Lord; he created Magma and gave him control over all volcanoes. From this day forth, whenever Magma gets angry with our behavior on earth, he causes an eruption.”

Joan: “I like it; this factor will help us keep a grasp on the naive adults. Tell me more.”

Me: “Children all over the world will carve their wish lists onto the Basalt rocks. Angels will be assigned to watch over the children and decide whether they are proper, or misbehavers. The angels will deliver the reports to the Magma’s aides, who are penguins. Once the list is completed on the eve of October 23rd, Magma sets off on his journey.”

Joan: “How does he travel?”

Me: “Magma has talking dolphins. He stands on a large granite surfboard and the dolphins swim towards land. Once on the shore, the dolphin’s tails transform to feet and they are capable of running at the speed of light; they are basically invisible. Magma travels to each home and delivers the gifts to the proper children. For the misbehavers, Magma orders his most trusted assistant, a sea lion named Diamond, to chisel away the bad child’s gift list.“

Joan: “So let me get this straight. The obedient children, the ‘proper’ ones, wake up to a rock surrounded by gifts, and the misbehavers wake up to a rock which has the wish list scratched off?”

Me: “Exactly. And the homes without a rock belong to Jesus’ non-believers!”

Joan: “Sounds good so far. What else?”

Me: “Children will be taught to pray to the angels, in an effort to ensure that they receive a positive report.”

Joan: “I must say, I think you have a winner here.”

Me: “Thanks, I’m glad you like the myth. There are more details which I will reveal over time. Next week, I will write the story of Magma’s new favorite Dolphin, who was able to save the day during a hurricane. I will then share the story of Diamond, in the following week’s post.”

Joan: “I can’t wait. There is a lot of potential here.”

Me: “In a generation or two, Magma will be the new children’s hero and Santa will be synonymous with Jesus.”

Joan: “The more characters you can create, the faster the myth will spread. Keep up the great work!”

Me: “I’ll continue to do my best. I’ll also get one of my creative friends to sketch out the characters.”

Joan: “Wonderful! That will be a nice touch! I’ll deliver the story to the Lord; I’m sure he’ll be thoroughly pleased. I’ll see you next week!”

[She disappeared.]

May the Lord bless all of you for reading!

@PeteTeix617

Fallon The Blind Dolphin

 

The Tradition

Read the first three installments in the series prior to this post.  Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws

Joan returned once again, but this time, she appeared sans the scary costume. On this night, her mission was to reveal a new tradition to the world.

Here is our conversation.

Joan: “The Lord wants me to deliver his idea for a new tradition. He understands that it may take decades for his followers to make the necessary adjustments, and he is patient.”

Me: “That sounds great. I can’t wait to hear the plan.”

Joan: “The first message, which I am to deliver, is about Christmas. From this day forth, Christmas will be considered a form of devil worship.”

Me: “That makes perfect sense. Honestly, Christmas has been all about gifts and not about Jesus.”

Joan: “Christmas is the quintessential example of how poorly Jesus delivered the past God’s message. Even though Jesus created a lot of false claims, the people did a great job of screwing up his story. First of all, Jesus was not born on December 25th. Some idiot decided to use the date, which was a former pagan celebration. Saturnalia celebrated the birth of the pagan sun god. The authoritative figures decided to keep the day, and change the tradition.”

Me: “So when was Jesus’ real birthday?”

Joan: “Jesus was born to the virgin Mary on April 17th, in the year 6CE. He arrived a few minutes before midnight.”

Me: “I thought Jesus’ birth marked the year zero.”

Joan: “No, they got that wrong as well. The Lord is adamant about removing Jesus from the new faith. Anno Domini (AD) and Before Christ (BC) will not be allowed. The Common Era (CE) and Before the Common Era (BCE) are to be used.”

Me: “April 17th? I think I saw a documentary on the Discovery Channel which made the same claim.”

Joan: “Yeah, those scholars figured out the correct date.”

Me: “You know I was born on April 18th, right?”

Joan: “Yes! Moses and Mohammad were also born on April 18th. Jesus was supposed to be born on the 18th, but something went wrong; it should have been a sign.”

Me: “Damn, so nothing went right during Jesus’ time on earth?”

Joan: “No, he was a complete failure. His message actually almost raised his following to equal the Lord’s. Jesus did some horrible things while he inhabited the earth.”

Me: “What kind of things?”

Joan: “Jesus was the typical guy; he couldn’t keep away from the ladies.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Joan: “Yes. Jesus had an insatiable desire to sleep with every beautiful woman. He often abused the powers which were bestowed upon him by the former Lord.”

Me: “Jesus was a player?”

Joan: “To say the least. He would always perform miracles to impress the ladies. The stories about walking on water and turning water into wine were all true; he did it for the women.”

[I laughed.]

Me: “I always figured a man with all those powers would abuse them, somehow, but I never expected Jesus to be a man-whore.”

Joan: “He also made plenty of enemies because of his vice. If a married woman rejected Jesus’ advances, he would cause her to become ill, with an incurable disease. Obviously, the woman would turn to Jesus for a miracle and he would strike a deal; he offered to cure the woman for a night in the sack.”

Me: “Damn, that’s not cool.”

Joan: “Everyone disliked his behavior, but the apostles did their best to hide Jesus’ major character flaw.”

Me: “So they purposely kept the stories about his sexual trysts from the gospels?”

Joan: “For the most part, they did, but there were a few apostles who included the truth. Their books were omitted from the official Church Cannon.”

Me: “Wow, imagine how different the world would be if everyone knew the truth.”

Joan: “The world will be a different place, once we implement the new changes.”

Me: “Am I going to receive any special powers, so I can prove that the message I am delivering is indeed from the Lord?”

Joan: “I am not sure, if the Lord decides to give you powers, I suggest you don’t abuse them.”

Me: “I’ll do my best, but it will be tempting to be selfish.”

Joan: “I’m sure you’ll be able to control yourself.”

Me: “Since there is no longer any Christmas day, what will be the new major celebration?”

Joan: “The Lord’s day will be celebrated on October 23rd.”

Me: “That’s the first day you appeared to me.”

Joan: “It also marks the day of St. Peter’s birthday.”

Me: “What should the day be named?”

Joan: “The Day of the Rock.”

Me: “Perfect, since Peter means rock.”

Joan: “Exactly.”

Me: “What will the tradition be?”

Joan: “Every family is to place a large rock in the home; the rock will replace the tree. People are free to celebrate the rock as they please.”

Me: “Is Christmas the only celebration which is banned?”

Joan: “No! Lent is also forbidden. Jesus never spent forty days fasting in the desert. Jesus arrived at a village with his apostles and he tricked the women into following him into the desert for what he called a fasting. He said that he would prove to his followers that faith in him will allow them to survive any hardships. He led the women into the desert and had an orgy for forty days. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but there was no water except for his trouser fountain, if you get the picture!”

Me: “That guy was something else; definitely no more lent. Basically, we’re pretty much not going to celebrate anything that has to do with Jesus.”

Joan: “When people say, ‘what would Jesus do,’ they will be referring to making an evil decision.”

Me: “So we can say, ‘Osama Bin Laden asked himself, what would Jesus do before 9/11’?”

Joan: “Precisely!”

Me: “Do you have any more details?”

Joan: “The Lord wanted to avoid turning his day into a marketing holiday, but he understands the ways of the human being. Gifts will be allowed for children and special adults. The Lord wants any gift handed to someone on his day to be considered extremely special. Diamonds will be the preferred gift.”

Me: “Is that because they are called rocks?”

Joan: “Yes, and for the fact that Diamond is the birthstone for April; the month of the prophet. The Lord wants April 18th to be another celebrated day. It will be known as Prophet’s Day.”

Me: “Wow, we get our own day? That is amazing.”

Joan: “As far as the other holidays, people are free to celebrate as they see fit; except for Christian holidays, of course. Passover can remain a major holiday. People, who were formerly Muslim, may follow their old traditions, as well.”

Me: “What about Halloween? I know some religious nus believed that the holiday was associated with the devil.”

Joan: “Christmas is the devil’s day; Halloween is fine. The Lord is all about people enjoying themselves. I have another suggestion. The Lord didn’t say anything about this, but if people want to celebrate my birthday, on January 6th, I would greatly appreciate the gesture.”

Me: “I’ll be sure to mention the day and do my best to promote St. Joan’s Day!”

Joan: “Thank you!”

Me: “If anyone deserves their own day, it’s you.”

Joan: “The Lord understands the human traditions and He wants to take control of the marketing. The Lord decided to leave the creation of the myth, to you.”

Me: “What does he want me to create?”

Joan: “He wants you to create a myth which is better than the Santa Clause story. Teaching children to follow the Lord is essential to any faith.”

Me: “Are there any specific details I should include?”

Joan: “Just tie the story into October 23rd, and make it a great story. The lesson of acting properly should be conveyed through fear. The children must be afraid to misbehave, or else, there must be a penalty. The story should be ready for my visit next week.”

Me: “I’ll do my best!”

Joan: “I’m sure you will; I’ll see you next week.”

Joan disappeared.

@PeteTeix617

 

The Myth