The Second Coming

Part II {Read the first part in the previous post. An Overdue Conversation}


I’m fresh up out my coma…

I got my Momma and my Daddy and my homies in my co’na…

It’s gonna take a miracle they say…

For me to walk again and talk again but anyway…

I get, fronted some KIs…

To get, back on my feet…

And everything the homie said came to reality…

Living like a baller loc…

Having money, and blowing hella chronic smoke…

I bought my Momma a Benz, and bought my boo boo a Jag…

And now I’m rolling in a nine-trizzay L Dogg Rag…

Wait a minute. Those are the lyrics to Snoop’s ‘Murder Was The Case.’ Sorry about that…points off my grade.

Everything promised, to me, came true. Obviously, the big guy is no liar; we all know he is great and powerful. Especially after he saved that Dorothy chick and her little dog!

****** (Most people credit Paris Hilton with creating the little doggy trend, but Dorothy was the true O.G. when it comes to rolling with a miniature pup. She also started the red bottoms craze…that girl was way ahead of her time.) ******

I sat on the balcony of my beach front mansion and watched the waves crash into the unlucky bathers who are probably wishing that the Pacific Ocean was a few degrees warmer. As I sat thinking of a billion dollar invention to heat up the shark infested water, a star appeared in the sky. I was amazed at how bright it was. The star wasn’t brighter than the others; it was the only visible light through the thick Los Angeles fog. For a few seconds, it appeared that the star was getting closer, and the light grew blinding.

Little did I know; this was no star. I was being visited by an angel.

Angel: “God evening.”

Me: “Hello. I’ve been waiting for you.”

Angel: “I am angel.”

Me: “I am human.”

Angel: “No, moron. My name is Angel.”

Me: “Oh…my bad. I was wondering why god sent a slow angel.”

Angel: “Don’t you mean retarded angel?”

Me: “No. You can’t say that word; it offends people.”

Angel: “You know I can read your mind; I know you wanted to say ‘retarded.’”

[I laugh.]

Me: “So, when is Jesus coming…no homo?”

Angel: “Don’t you mean ‘when is he coming…extra homo?’ You know I can read your mind.”

[We laugh.]

Me: “Definitely not. Keep on playing and I’ll send him back an extra virgin.”

[He laughs.]

Angel: “Ok. I guess there isn’t really anything to do, other than give you his arrival date since you seem prepared.”

Me: “Great! What day?”

Angel: “He will be here tomorrow.”

[The angel disappears.]

I didn’t sleep well that night. The anticipation of Jesus returning to earth was too much excitement. It only makes sense for the big guy to choose me as The Christ Chaperone…I guess I am the second coming of the apostle Peter. Unlike the previous guy, I am not sharing the limelight with anyone else.

I was awakened by a bright light. I struggled to open my eyes, but I was finally able to make out a man standing at the foot of my bed. He appeared to be of Indian decent.

Me: “Who the hell are you?”

Figure: “It’s me, Jesus.”

Me: “Why the hell did you choose to be Indian? Do you not know that most of the billion citizens are not Catholics? You’re definitely not a big deal over there.”

Jesus: “Of course I know. I’m going to convert them once they see my new face.”

Me: “That’s actually a great idea.”

Jesus: “Yeah, dad knows what he is doing.”

Me: “I’ve been waiting for you. I hope you’re ready! I have a slut in the other room and she is ready to yell out your dad’s name.”

Jesus: “What? That’s too early…I’m not ready right now.”

ME: “WHAT? I can’t believe you’re freezing up again. You’re dad is going to be pissed.”

Jesus: “I’m not freezing up…I just want to do it with a girl I choose.”

Me: “How long is that going to take?”

Jesus: “I don’t know…maybe a couple nights.”

[I start laughing.]

Me: “I’m just messing with you.”

Jesus: “Oh…yeah; I knew that.”

Me: “Sure! I see that you didn’t get any of that ‘all knowing’ stuff from your dad. You definitely got your smarts from your uneducated mother.”

Jesus: “Who said my mother was uneducated?”

Me: “C’mon. Everyone knows women didn’t go to school back in those days.”

[I wink.]

Me: “The good O’le days!”

Jesus: “The what?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding.”

Jesus: “What are you going to do when you end up in Heaven and have to face my mother.”

Me: “Not sure…depends if she is a M.I.L.F. or not!”

[He grows angry.]

Jesus: “What did you just say?”

[I can’t help but laugh.]

Me: “I’m just kidding…I didn’t know you were so sensitive.”

Jesus: “I’m not sensitive; I just didn’t hear what you said. I have had trouble hearing from my left ear, since the crucifixion.”

Me: “Oh, damn. I didn’t know. Why can’t your dad fix it?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You’re an idiot. I have the power to perform miracles and you think I have a bad ear?”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I’m definitely slipping.”

Jesus: “No…you’re just dumb.”

Me: “Let’s go do something.”

Jesus: “It’s your town. You tell me what we’re going to do.”

Me: “Actually, your dad pretty much owns the entire universe so it’s really your town.”

Jesus: “Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I should trust an idiot with this decision; ths is my first night.”

[I begin to sing.]

Me: “If I could walk on water, would you believe in me.”

[He shakes his head.]

Jesus: “I hate that fucking song.”

Me: “First of all, the song is great, and secondly, who the hell said you can curse?”

Jesus: “I can do whatever the hell I want. What are you my mom?”

Me: “No, but I am your chaperone and you will respect me.”

Jesus grows larger and spreads his arms out over his head and begins to yell.

Jesus: “You shall Respect ME!”

For a second, the room goes black. Suddenly, I seem to be tiny. I look in the mirror and discover that I am now a ladybug.

Me: “Change me back or…”

Jesus: “Or what?”

Me: “Or…or I will not help you get laid. I’ll tell women that you are a virgin. Annnnd a pedophile.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I’m not a fucking pedophile.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “It’s going to take some time for me to get used to you swearing.”

Jesus: “It’s not that big a deal.”

Me: “Yes it is. And yes, you are a pedophile.”

Jesus: “You’re an idiot.”

Me: “Ok, you’re not a pedophile, but your priests are.”

Jesus: “They’re not my fucking priests.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “C’mon. Just change me back.”

Jesus: “Ok. But first, you have to beg.”

Me: “Just change me back.”

He crosses his arms and bows his head quickly. I turn back into myself.

Me: “What the hell! Did you just pull a genie move from the television show?”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “You know it.”

Me: “Seriously. We have to set rules, because I’m not dealing with that type of nonsense.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “Now look at who is sensitive.”

Me: “Ok, we don’t need rules, but you can’t abuse me. I’m trying to help you out.”

Jesus: “Alright, I get what you are saying.”

Me: “Cool! Let’s go, jerk.”

Jesus: “What did I do to deserve that?”

[We laugh.]

The night turned out to be a success. We got some food then hit up a few bars in Hollywood. Jesus was a big hit, and it appeared that he was ready to lose his virginity.

The following morning, I woke up early and made some breakfast.

Jesus: “That smells good. What did you make for breakfast?”

Me: “Some eggs, bacon and home fries.”

Jesus: “Sounds good…I’m starving.”

Me: “Yeah, I woke up feeling the same way.”

Jesus: “Where is my plate?”

Me: “I didn’t make any for you.”

Jesus: “What the hell?”

[I shrug my shoulders and continue to eat.]

Jesus: “Why didn’t you make some for me?”

Me: “It’s every man for himself around here.”

Jesus: “That is very selfish of you, but not a problem.”

[A plate of food appears on the table.]

Me: “Must be nice!”

Jesus: “Yup!”

Me: “Did you have fun last night?”

Jesus: “Yeah. It was great.”

Me: “Did you see anything worth a poke?”

Jesus: “On Facebook?”

[I shake my head in disapproval.]

Jesus: “Sorry, but I had to.”

Me: “I guess.”

Jesus: “I did like the girl from the pizza place.”

Me: “Oh yeah! I completely forgot about her. You stole my phone and texted her all night. You missed out on some hot chicks.”

Jesus: “Not really. I like Cece.”

Me: “So is she the one?”

Jesus: “Yeah, I think so.”

Me: “When is it going down? Or should I say, when is she going down?”

Jesus: “She’s not some random whore…I’m going to take her out on a proper date and let things happen as they will.”

Me: “Yeah, that’s exactly what I said. Let me rephrase. When are you going to bang the slut?”

[He gets annoyed and shakes his head disapprovingly.]

Jesus: “You’re a moron.”

Me: “When is the date?”

Jesus: “I’m meeting her this afternoon, and we’re going to hang out all day.”

Me: “Sounds like a lot of work. If I had the power to perform miracles, I’d be on chick number 17 by now.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I don’t think we are looking for the same thing.”

Me: “You’re right about that. I have no desire to land in the friend zone.”

[He shakes his head.]


Jesus left the mansion to go on his date with Cece. I waited up all night, but he never returned. The following afternoon, I decided to sit by the pool until he finally arrived.

Me: “There he is. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something different about you.”

Jesus: “No. I’m exactly the same.”

Me: “Are you serious? What the hell did you do…spend the night and read Bible versus to each other?”

Jesus: “No, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “What happened? Did you freeze up?”

Jesus: “I don’t feel comfortable talking about what happens between me and Cece.”

Me: “You mean Cece and I.”

[Jesus is annoyed.]

Jesus: “Ha ha. What is that…a you banged Cece joke?”

Me: “No, I was correcting your grammar. You said me and Cece, but you are supposed to say Cece and I. You are truly your mother’s son.”

Jesus: “Who cares. I don’t want to talk about it.”

Me: “Are you fucking kidding me? You are going to tell me every single detail, or I’m calling your dad.”

Jesus: “How do you plan on doing that?”

Me: “I don’t know…pray, I guess.”

Jesus: “If you must know, I am no longer a virgin.”

Me: “Are you serious? I can’t believe it…my little boy is a man.”

[I wipe away fake tears.]

Jesus: “It was the greatest night of my life.”

Me: “Better than the crucifixion?”

[I laugh.]

Jesus: “You’re the dumbest person I know.”

Me: “What happened?”

Jesus: “I’m not going into personal details. All you need to know is that I performed and she was satisfied. P.S. I am no minute man…Lionel Richie was definitely singing All night long.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “I need some details.”

Jesus: “I can tell you that I plan on hanging around for a while.”

Me: “What? What the hell are you talking about”? Don’t tell me you fell in love.”

Jesus: “Cece is great and she has some great ideas.”

Me: “What kind of ideas?”

Jesus: “We were talking and I want to have a son; he will be the next Messiah.”

Me: “Son? Tell me you strapped up.”

Jesus: “You think I waited two thousand years to wear a condom?”

Me: “JESUS CHRIST! I hope you pulled out.”

Jesus: “Of course not. She is on the pill.”

Me: “Oh my GOD! You’re dumber than I thought. That’s what all the groupie whores say.”

Jesus: “She isn’t a whore.”

Me: “I can’t believe this chick might be pregnant.”

Jesus: “There is no might. If I want her to be pregnant she will be, but if I don’t want her to be pregnant, there will be no child.”

Me: “What the hell? I thought your church was against abortion.”

Jesus: “It’s not an abortion.”

Me: “Whatever you say buddy. Sounds like an abortion to me. Good for you.”

Jesus: “You’re a complete idiot.”

Me: “Can you please explain to me why the hell you want to have a child with this chick?”

Jesus: “If I have a son, he can help to convert the non-Christians and bring the entire world together.”

Me: “That’s a dumb idea.”

Jesus: “It’s Cece’s idea and it’s great.”

Me: “I can’t believe this. Two thousand years and you finally get some pussy and you lose your damn mind.”

Jesus: “You’re too dumb to understand the importance of me having a child.”

Me: “You don’t even know this chick and you’re ready to make her the mother of the next Messiah? What’s her real name…I need to do a little background check.”

Jesus: “For what?”

Me: “Because you were born from a virgin and we don’t need your son born from some Biblical groupie slut.”

Jesus: “You don’t even know her.”

Me: “Neither do you.”

Jesus: “Give me your phone.”

[He enters her name and loads her Facebook profile.]

Jesus: “Here.”

Me: “Good! At least you know her name. Let me see. Damn, her page is private.”

Jesus: “Check again.”

Me: “Jeez, you can really do whatever you want.”

Jesus: “Not really. You don’t see me killing you.”

Me: “Relax, I am on your side.”

Jesus: “I can’t wait to tell my dad about Cece’s plan.”

Me: “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

Jesus: “Why not?”

[I hand him my phone.]

Jesus: “What the hell is this?”

Me: “That’s Cece’s ass and half of those comments are from guys who clearly have tapped it.”

Jesus: “That’s not necessarily true.”

Me: “NO? Why don’t you call her and ask?”

Jesus: “No problem.”

[He takes the phone and enters the house. He then returns after a long conversation.]

Jesus: “This sucks!”

Me: “What?”

Jesus: “She’s a fucking whore.”

Me: “She admitted it?”

Jesus: “It’s kind of hard for people to lie to me.”

Me: “Oh yeah. Wait…I’m confused. How did you not see this with all of your super powers?”

Jesus: “I don’t know. I guess my mind was clouded because of the sex.”

Me: “Yeah. That makes sense. What did she say.”

Jesus: “She planned on getting pregnant and making me grant her wishes instead of child support.”

Me: “What the hell did she think…that you were the Genie from Aladdin?”

[We both laugh.]

Jesus: “I don’t know, but some of you humans are fucked up people. I think I’m ready to go back. I don’t want to risk sleeping with some super whore who strips me of all my powers.”

[I laugh.]

Me: I don’t think you have to leave, just remember to let your dad do the planning from now on. You’re definitely your mother’s son.”

[He laughs.]

Jesus: “I can’t wait until you have to face her.”

Me: “She seems like a nice lady…I think I will be alright.”

Jesus: “I’ll sleep on it and think about staying.”

Me: “Stay a little longer and we’ll have a blast.”

Jesus: “We’ll see.”

{The End}



Five Years Of Reminiscence

     Some of you may have noticed the number seven followed a date, at the end of yesterday’s post. The dedication was for my deceased cousin, Kevin, who died on the same date, five years ago; 12/8/06. To read about his tragic accident click the link: Kevin Fidalgo. (Here is the link to the other article:

No one knows what actually happens after death, but there is one certainty; the person continues to live inside of the memories of others. I am an atheist and I highly doubt there is an afterlife, but I hope I am wrong; it would be nice to experience another realm. (For my thoughts on the afterlife, read my post: Where Are All The Dead People, My Conversation With Kevin, Unconventional Endings¸ and Are Ghosts Real.)

Traditionally, I visit my cousin’s grave at least twice a year; once on December 8th and once on June 23rd, his birthday. Since his accident, I spoke with Kevin on a nightly basis; always asking for him to watch over us. This year, once I became an atheist, the routine changed. I no longer wasted my time praying to the dead and a nonexistent “god.” I decided to keep Kevin in my memories and do my best to carry on his passion for living. Although he is dead, he is always with us, because we talk about him, constantly.

I decided to drive to the cemetery, yesterday. When I arrived, the area was empty. There was no eerie feeling or unexplained occurrences. I stepped out of the car and I felt a tad bit silly. I walked to his grave and simply observed. Part of me wanted to have a life changing experience, but I honestly felt like I was looking at a piece of superbly carved stone; nothing more. I didn’t feel the need to talk to Kevin, since he is dead and can’t hear me, so I decided to walk around and I visited the graves of other family members. My journey to the mysterious portal to the afterlife only lasted about fifteen minutes.

I’ll probably visit the gravestone again, in the future, but it will be more about ritual than making a connection. In no way am I trying to discourage people from believing life after death; feel free to talk to your loved ones. I just believe that my way of thinking is better because I keep my cousin’s memory with me every day, instead of waiting to meet in an afterlife which more than likely does not exist.

If you are still out there, Kevin; send me a sign. Write something in the comment section for this post. **I doubt he’ll write anything, but I’ll keep my fingers crossed!**

P.S. Don’t be a dick naughty person and create a fake profile named Kevin, just so you can write some asinine comment; YOU’RE BETTER THAN THAT!!!


Great Interviews, BUT…

This entry is my review of Lee Strobel’s book, The Case For Christ. Strobel was a self-proclaimed atheist who used his journalism background to discover Jesus. He is now a Christian and a fervent believer.

The book starts with a compelling story which immediately gains the sympathy of the reader. The tale is of a man who was convicted for a murder because the evidence pointed to his guilt. Strobel worked for a newspaper in Chicago and he discovered new evidence which helped to prove the man’s innocence. The point of the story is to show that Strobel originally believed the evidence proved “god” didn’t exist because he only skimmed the information, but in the end, he discovered a new truth; Strobel now believes in Jesus.

I had one major problem with Strobel’s book; he wanted to approach the question as if it were an actual case. His plan was to interview various experts in order to seek out the truth. That is a huge mistake because bringing the question of the existence of “god” into a courtroom removes the believer’s major defense; faith. Faith will never hold up in a court of law.

The first “expert’s” argument is weak. He was asked to prove that the apostles wrote the gospels. His argument is, the eyewitness is John Doe and he believes that what John Doe said about Jesus is true. Concerning the gospel of John, he actually says, “The name of the author isn’t in doubt—it’s certainly John…the question is whether it was John the apostle or a different John.” (Well, if I wasn’t convinced before, how could I argue with that statement?) I believe this evidence has a name; it is called hearsay. We all know that hearsay would not hold up in a court of law.

The overall premise of the book is to prove that Jesus existed and that the gospels, which “were written by his apostles,” are real. This would mean that the reader must agree, and I do not agree with the statement. The bible is not real; I think it is a book of myths and fairytales. There are many failed attempts to prove the existence of Jesus, but I think it would be pointless to go through each one. At the end of the day, a true atheist will not be swayed by these “facts,” and a believer would support each one as they support the ridiculous bible claims.

That being said, I enjoyed reading the stories and listening to the discussions, but for me this was for entertainment purposes only. Reading the “evidence” was like listening to my nephew and one of his cousins attempting to figure out how I was able to make his card reappear inside the freezer, in a sealed bag of frozen lima beans. They may believe it was magic, but I know the truth.

There is no way of proving Jesus existed, and no way of proving the existing of “god;” religion is based on faith and faith alone. Using the words in the bible to prove the myths are actually real is unbelievably asinine. Three thousand years from now, one could honestly take my series with Joan and use Strobel’s methods to prove that she actually appeared in my room, and that I was in fact, the next in a line of messiahs. (Please leave the scientific methods to the people who don’t believe in magic!)

I honestly don’t think there was such a person named Jesus Christ, but even if he indeed existed, he was not the man depicted in the bible. If we find a myth about an Olympian god who destroyed the city of Pompeii, historians can find proof that the city was destroyed, but it doesn’t prove that the myth is actually true. Jerusalem exists and I’m sure all of the fictitious bible stories are based on actual places, but the tales are not real.

I recommend the book to all people, regardless of anyone’s beliefs. The interviews are wonderful and filled with great information. For non-Christians, the book will serve as a view into how the followers of Christ think, and for Christians, the book will help to reaffirm your faith.

Strobel attempted to do the impossible and he failed; you can’t prove the existence of an entity which does not exist. I honestly hoped to find a challenging manuscript, but this was not it, although entertaining, the arguments fell short. I am still an atheist.

I look forward to reading the other suggested texts!


Fallon The Blind Dolphin

Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws   The Tradition  The Myth

This is the first children’s story to be approved by the new Lord.

     Fallon was born to regular dolphins. His parents, major and Carol, never achieved the ultimate goal of joining Magma’s Nifty Nine; these were the specially chosen dolphins which led Magma during his Basalt Day gift giving journey. Only the fastest and strongest dolphins were chosen.

Fallon, like most dolphins, believed he would grow up and be one of the chosen ones. His supportive father encouraged his only son. Major taught Fallon that anything was possible, but deep down in his heart, he knew his son had absolutely no chance to be one of the Nifty Nine. Fallon was a special dolphin; he was born blind.

The calf suffered a great deal while growing up. The other baby dolphins teased Fallon on a daily basis. Due to his blindness, the young dolphin had an acute sense of hearing; he never missed any of the nasty comments. Each day, Fallon would return home with a face full of tears. Major was unhappy to see his son having so much trouble, but there was nothing that he could do other than continue to encourage his son.

Major told Fallon that he could become one of the Nifty Nine, as long as he didn’t give up hope. Carol didn’t think it was a good idea to lie to their son; she didn’t want to get his hopes up. Major understood why his wife was against lying, but he also wanted his son to always give a maximum effort.

Fallon was a clumsy dolphin. His lack of vision caused him to swim into everything. Each time he bumped into an object, the other dolphins would laugh and make jokes. In the beginning, Fallon always cried, but he eventually developed a strong sense of self and didn’t let the negative comments bother him. Fallon truly believed that he would prove the other dolphins wrong.

One day, while swimming with a group of his peers in the open ocean, Fallon decided to test his speed. He swam as fast as he could, and when fatigue began to set in, he stopped. Fallon asked if he was as fast as the other dolphins, but no one responded; Fallon found himself alone in the middle of the ocean.

The other dolphins saw Luna, a large orca. The calves were always taught to swim away if they ever saw the evil orca, but Fallon was the only one who couldn’t see. Eventually, Luna swam up to Fallon and asked if he was ok. Fallon found Luna to be extremely friendly and answered, yes. It turned out that the dolphins had nothing to fear; Luna was a friendly orca.

Fallon and Luna became great friends. In fact, it was Luna who taught Fallon to use his sonar to guide him. The two best friends practiced every day until Fallon developed the ability to sense everything that surrounded him. Fallon gained the ability to swim at fast speeds without having to worry about bumping into anything. Thanks to the help of his new best friend, Fallon became the fastest calf in the ocean.

The other children thought Fallon was extremely brave because he was the only dolphin who wasn’t afraid of Luna. The other calves cowered near their parents, while Major proudly watched Fallon swim with Luna. Each day, Fallon perfected his other senses to the point that his vision was no longer a hindrance.

It was the week before Basalt Day, and the Nifty Nine practiced for their special journey. Risso, the eldest and leader of the pod, planned on retiring; this would be his last trip. Risso recruited the best dolphins to practice with the Nifty Nine. He would watch them swim and choose a successor. Fallon asked Risso if he could practice with the group, but he was laughed at.

Major told his son that there would be other chances and to keep his head up. Fallon was determined to prove that he had the skills to join the team, and secretly followed the pod. Fallon could sense the challenging movements, from a distance, as the prospects practice under the watchful eye of Risso. Fallon could feel the maneuvers, and he practiced each drill.

Suddenly, there was a large eruption. The Lord gave magma complete control over the earth’s volcanoes, but our hero didn’t fully understand the responsibility and power which he possessed. Magma wanted to test his capabilities and caused an undersea volcano to erupt. He assumed the area was uninhabited, but the eruption happened in the exact location where the pod was practicing.

Volcanic ash filled the ocean, causing the dolphins to lose their ability to see. Unable to gain their bearings, the dolphins found themselves trapped; the pod was able to stay together due to their ropes, but they did not have the ability to escape the disaster. Risso prayed to the Lord and asked him to save the Nifty Nine as well as the prospects, but it seemed as if the group was doomed.

Fallon heard the cries and rushed to the group’s rescue; he called out and Risso answered. Fallon grabbed the rope and promised to lead the terrified dolphins to safety. Fallon used his super sonar abilities to steer clear of the ash. The young dolphin’s speed and power had never been felt before. The group followed his lead, but they remained frightful. Ten minutes later, Fallon stopped swimming and the other dolphins finally opened their eyes. They couldn’t believe it, Fallon saved their lives.

Risso, along with the other dolphins, thanked the young hero and promised to speak to Magma about the talented Fallon. The following day, the Nifty Nine gathered in front of Magma, who asked about the status of the prospects. Risso told the story of Fallon’s heroics and Magma was amazed. He asked each member if Fallon should be Risso’s replacement. Hector, Dusky, Common, Clymene, Spinner, Ganges, Indus, and Striper all answered, affirmatively.

The decision was unanimous and Risso agreed to retire a year early. Magma couldn’t wait to watch the young dolphin lead the special pod. Fallon became the best of the Nifty Nine and he gained the respect of every dolphin in the sea. He also taught the dolphins that Luna was a nice orca; there was nothing to fear. From that day forward, the dolphins learned never to judge anyone before giving them a chance.


Children’s song about Fallon: (Complete rip off of the Rudolph song!)

 Fallon the blinded dolphin

Couldn’t see a thing at all,

He bumped into all the objects,

Like he was a bouncing ball.


All of the other dolphins

 Used to laugh and call him names;

 They never let poor Fallon

Join in any dolphin games.


Then before one Basalt Day trip,

The Nifty Nine were trapped,

Fallon used his sonar skills,

And led them through the ash


Then how the dolphins loved him

As they shouted out with glee,

Fallon the blinded dolphin,

You’ll go down in history. 

More stories coming soon! Who knows, maybe I’ll even create more songs!

**Children will forget about Rudolph!**


The Revelation

The Myth

This entry is the fifth of a series. Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws   The Tradition

Joan returned on schedule, but I was concerned because she appeared to be visibly upset. She didn’t say hello, in fact she didn’t say anything; Joan just stood in the middle of my room and stared at me, indignantly.

Me: “Are you ok; what’s wrong?”

Joan: “Why did you ignore me this past weekend?”

Me: “What are you talking about?”

Joan: “I attempted to deliver a message to you, but you ignored me. Why?”

Me: “Are you sure it was me; I was in LA. Maybe someone was sleeping in my bed and you scared the crap out of them.”

Joan: “Of course I’m sure it was you; I decided to take on a different form. The Lord had a suggestion about the myth and I wanted to deliver his message to you.”

Me: “I’m sorry. I honestly had no idea.”

Joan: “I was standing in Hollywood with a microphone and I know you heard me because you wrote a post about it.” (Read said post, here: Second Day: LA)

Me: “That wasn’t you.”

Joan: “Yes it was!”

Me: “You fooled me with the Halloween costume, but you aren’t going to fool me with this one. I know you aren’t going to appear on earth as a Jesus freak!”

[She laughs.]

Joan: “Damn, I thought I could get you, again.”

Me: “Looks like I evened up the score.”

Joan: “Let’s hear the myth.”

Me: “I thought it would be best for me to focus on the fact that the myth should scare children into behaving properly. The character I came up with is called, Herpes Harold. He travels around the world and gives Herpes to the bad children, and his secret home will be inside the Vatican.”

[She laughs.]

Joan: “Please tell me you’re kidding?”

Me: “I’m sorry, I completely forgot about the myth and this is all I was able to come up with.”

Joan: “I like the fact that you are placing shame on the Vatican for their past atrocities, but we need a hero; I can’t believe you forgot.”

[I laugh.]

Me: “Looks like you’ve been had. I believe the score now reads: two to one, in my favor.”

Joan: “I can’t believe I fell for that.”

Me: “Enough joking around; here is what I created. From now on, people will greet one another by saying ‘Happy Basalt Day,’ on October 23rd.”

Joan: “Basalt Day? I’m not sure that’s better than Christmas.”

Me: “Trust me, it will catch on! I decided to focus on the rock, which must be Basalt. Our moral policeman, if you will, is Magma. He is half man, half rock. He lives in an underwater Volcano, deep beneath the Pacific Ocean, and penguins work year round to make the toys.”

Joan: “That’s not bad. Continue.”

Me: “Once St. Peter became the new Lord; he created Magma and gave him control over all volcanoes. From this day forth, whenever Magma gets angry with our behavior on earth, he causes an eruption.”

Joan: “I like it; this factor will help us keep a grasp on the naive adults. Tell me more.”

Me: “Children all over the world will carve their wish lists onto the Basalt rocks. Angels will be assigned to watch over the children and decide whether they are proper, or misbehavers. The angels will deliver the reports to the Magma’s aides, who are penguins. Once the list is completed on the eve of October 23rd, Magma sets off on his journey.”

Joan: “How does he travel?”

Me: “Magma has talking dolphins. He stands on a large granite surfboard and the dolphins swim towards land. Once on the shore, the dolphin’s tails transform to feet and they are capable of running at the speed of light; they are basically invisible. Magma travels to each home and delivers the gifts to the proper children. For the misbehavers, Magma orders his most trusted assistant, a sea lion named Diamond, to chisel away the bad child’s gift list.“

Joan: “So let me get this straight. The obedient children, the ‘proper’ ones, wake up to a rock surrounded by gifts, and the misbehavers wake up to a rock which has the wish list scratched off?”

Me: “Exactly. And the homes without a rock belong to Jesus’ non-believers!”

Joan: “Sounds good so far. What else?”

Me: “Children will be taught to pray to the angels, in an effort to ensure that they receive a positive report.”

Joan: “I must say, I think you have a winner here.”

Me: “Thanks, I’m glad you like the myth. There are more details which I will reveal over time. Next week, I will write the story of Magma’s new favorite Dolphin, who was able to save the day during a hurricane. I will then share the story of Diamond, in the following week’s post.”

Joan: “I can’t wait. There is a lot of potential here.”

Me: “In a generation or two, Magma will be the new children’s hero and Santa will be synonymous with Jesus.”

Joan: “The more characters you can create, the faster the myth will spread. Keep up the great work!”

Me: “I’ll continue to do my best. I’ll also get one of my creative friends to sketch out the characters.”

Joan: “Wonderful! That will be a nice touch! I’ll deliver the story to the Lord; I’m sure he’ll be thoroughly pleased. I’ll see you next week!”

[She disappeared.]

May the Lord bless all of you for reading!


Fallon The Blind Dolphin


The Tradition

Read the first three installments in the series prior to this post.  Heaven’s Angels   A Lesson   The Laws

Joan returned once again, but this time, she appeared sans the scary costume. On this night, her mission was to reveal a new tradition to the world.

Here is our conversation.

Joan: “The Lord wants me to deliver his idea for a new tradition. He understands that it may take decades for his followers to make the necessary adjustments, and he is patient.”

Me: “That sounds great. I can’t wait to hear the plan.”

Joan: “The first message, which I am to deliver, is about Christmas. From this day forth, Christmas will be considered a form of devil worship.”

Me: “That makes perfect sense. Honestly, Christmas has been all about gifts and not about Jesus.”

Joan: “Christmas is the quintessential example of how poorly Jesus delivered the past God’s message. Even though Jesus created a lot of false claims, the people did a great job of screwing up his story. First of all, Jesus was not born on December 25th. Some idiot decided to use the date, which was a former pagan celebration. Saturnalia celebrated the birth of the pagan sun god. The authoritative figures decided to keep the day, and change the tradition.”

Me: “So when was Jesus’ real birthday?”

Joan: “Jesus was born to the virgin Mary on April 17th, in the year 6CE. He arrived a few minutes before midnight.”

Me: “I thought Jesus’ birth marked the year zero.”

Joan: “No, they got that wrong as well. The Lord is adamant about removing Jesus from the new faith. Anno Domini (AD) and Before Christ (BC) will not be allowed. The Common Era (CE) and Before the Common Era (BCE) are to be used.”

Me: “April 17th? I think I saw a documentary on the Discovery Channel which made the same claim.”

Joan: “Yeah, those scholars figured out the correct date.”

Me: “You know I was born on April 18th, right?”

Joan: “Yes! Moses and Mohammad were also born on April 18th. Jesus was supposed to be born on the 18th, but something went wrong; it should have been a sign.”

Me: “Damn, so nothing went right during Jesus’ time on earth?”

Joan: “No, he was a complete failure. His message actually almost raised his following to equal the Lord’s. Jesus did some horrible things while he inhabited the earth.”

Me: “What kind of things?”

Joan: “Jesus was the typical guy; he couldn’t keep away from the ladies.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Joan: “Yes. Jesus had an insatiable desire to sleep with every beautiful woman. He often abused the powers which were bestowed upon him by the former Lord.”

Me: “Jesus was a player?”

Joan: “To say the least. He would always perform miracles to impress the ladies. The stories about walking on water and turning water into wine were all true; he did it for the women.”

[I laughed.]

Me: “I always figured a man with all those powers would abuse them, somehow, but I never expected Jesus to be a man-whore.”

Joan: “He also made plenty of enemies because of his vice. If a married woman rejected Jesus’ advances, he would cause her to become ill, with an incurable disease. Obviously, the woman would turn to Jesus for a miracle and he would strike a deal; he offered to cure the woman for a night in the sack.”

Me: “Damn, that’s not cool.”

Joan: “Everyone disliked his behavior, but the apostles did their best to hide Jesus’ major character flaw.”

Me: “So they purposely kept the stories about his sexual trysts from the gospels?”

Joan: “For the most part, they did, but there were a few apostles who included the truth. Their books were omitted from the official Church Cannon.”

Me: “Wow, imagine how different the world would be if everyone knew the truth.”

Joan: “The world will be a different place, once we implement the new changes.”

Me: “Am I going to receive any special powers, so I can prove that the message I am delivering is indeed from the Lord?”

Joan: “I am not sure, if the Lord decides to give you powers, I suggest you don’t abuse them.”

Me: “I’ll do my best, but it will be tempting to be selfish.”

Joan: “I’m sure you’ll be able to control yourself.”

Me: “Since there is no longer any Christmas day, what will be the new major celebration?”

Joan: “The Lord’s day will be celebrated on October 23rd.”

Me: “That’s the first day you appeared to me.”

Joan: “It also marks the day of St. Peter’s birthday.”

Me: “What should the day be named?”

Joan: “The Day of the Rock.”

Me: “Perfect, since Peter means rock.”

Joan: “Exactly.”

Me: “What will the tradition be?”

Joan: “Every family is to place a large rock in the home; the rock will replace the tree. People are free to celebrate the rock as they please.”

Me: “Is Christmas the only celebration which is banned?”

Joan: “No! Lent is also forbidden. Jesus never spent forty days fasting in the desert. Jesus arrived at a village with his apostles and he tricked the women into following him into the desert for what he called a fasting. He said that he would prove to his followers that faith in him will allow them to survive any hardships. He led the women into the desert and had an orgy for forty days. I don’t want to get into too much detail, but there was no water except for his trouser fountain, if you get the picture!”

Me: “That guy was something else; definitely no more lent. Basically, we’re pretty much not going to celebrate anything that has to do with Jesus.”

Joan: “When people say, ‘what would Jesus do,’ they will be referring to making an evil decision.”

Me: “So we can say, ‘Osama Bin Laden asked himself, what would Jesus do before 9/11’?”

Joan: “Precisely!”

Me: “Do you have any more details?”

Joan: “The Lord wanted to avoid turning his day into a marketing holiday, but he understands the ways of the human being. Gifts will be allowed for children and special adults. The Lord wants any gift handed to someone on his day to be considered extremely special. Diamonds will be the preferred gift.”

Me: “Is that because they are called rocks?”

Joan: “Yes, and for the fact that Diamond is the birthstone for April; the month of the prophet. The Lord wants April 18th to be another celebrated day. It will be known as Prophet’s Day.”

Me: “Wow, we get our own day? That is amazing.”

Joan: “As far as the other holidays, people are free to celebrate as they see fit; except for Christian holidays, of course. Passover can remain a major holiday. People, who were formerly Muslim, may follow their old traditions, as well.”

Me: “What about Halloween? I know some religious nus believed that the holiday was associated with the devil.”

Joan: “Christmas is the devil’s day; Halloween is fine. The Lord is all about people enjoying themselves. I have another suggestion. The Lord didn’t say anything about this, but if people want to celebrate my birthday, on January 6th, I would greatly appreciate the gesture.”

Me: “I’ll be sure to mention the day and do my best to promote St. Joan’s Day!”

Joan: “Thank you!”

Me: “If anyone deserves their own day, it’s you.”

Joan: “The Lord understands the human traditions and He wants to take control of the marketing. The Lord decided to leave the creation of the myth, to you.”

Me: “What does he want me to create?”

Joan: “He wants you to create a myth which is better than the Santa Clause story. Teaching children to follow the Lord is essential to any faith.”

Me: “Are there any specific details I should include?”

Joan: “Just tie the story into October 23rd, and make it a great story. The lesson of acting properly should be conveyed through fear. The children must be afraid to misbehave, or else, there must be a penalty. The story should be ready for my visit next week.”

Me: “I’ll do my best!”

Joan: “I’m sure you will; I’ll see you next week.”

Joan disappeared.



The Myth

A Lesson

Heaven’s Angels

***If you didn’t read yesterday’s post, you won’t understand what this entry is about!***

     As expected, Joan returned the following evening. After some unmentionable activity, she revealed the word of the Lord.

Joan: “Before we discuss the laws, I want to talk about responsibility. The old God was patient with his prophets; he gave them the freedom to spread his message as they saw fit. Our new Lord will not accept insubordination.”

Me: “You don’t have to worry about that, I will dedicate my life to spreading his word.”

Joan: “Let me tell you a story about a man named Tom.”

Me: “Is this a story about one of God’s laws?”

Joan: “No! This is about your duties as a prophet. Tom was a regular fellow. His upbringing was normal; he came from a typical American family. Tom studied hard in school and landed a wonderful job at an Ivy League University. He was a hard worker who eventually earned a promotion to head the housing department. After four years on the job, Tom was asked to train a new assistant, Kelly; she was also a hard worker. The School’s President wanted Kelly to know everything about the job, in case Tom was unable to make it to work, on any given day. Tom thought it was a great idea, and for an entire month, he taught Kelly everything he knew. At the end of the month, the President asked Tom if Kelly was well trained. He answered, ‘She knows everything that I know.’ The President’s response was simple and cold. ‘Great; you’re fired and Kelly is your replacement’!”

Me: “That’s cold!”

Joan: “It’s practical. Tom made it to the top and lost the drive to continue working hard. Don’t make the same mistake; continue to carry out your mission, or you’ll be replaced.”

Me: “Message received; poor Tom. What about my question about the wives?”

Joan: “Definitely a big NO, on that one!”

Me: “Damn! Oh well.”

Joan: “Usually, the laws will be delivered to you in a story, but today I will allow you an opportunity to impress me; you will be asked to figure out the proper outcome.”

Me: “Ok; I think I’m up for the challenge!”

Joan: “Picture Dominique; she is young and has made a commitment to wait until she is married until she has intercourse. One night, Dominique walks home from a hard day on the job. She strolls through a nearby park and admires the bright stars illuminating the sky. Suddenly, an attacker appears from behind a large oak tree and savagely rapes her. The incident is the worst experience of her life. Adding lemon juice to the paper-cut, she discovers that she is pregnant. Do you think she should be allowed to have an abortion?”

Me: “In that instance, I would say it is completely up to her; no one can make that decision for her, especially not some former member of the Hitler youth, who now runs the Vatican!”

Joan: “The truth of the matter is, the woman is going to Hell regardless of her decision. The Bible clearly states that premarital-sex is a sin!”

Me: “WHAT? Are you kidding me?”

Joan: “Yes!”

[She laughed.]

Joan: “This isn’t the old God; the new Lord operates under common sense!”

Me: “Thank God!”

Joan: “As far as the Lord is concerned, a fetus is not a child; those who have abortions will not end up in Hell. Each woman has the right to make her own decision.”

Me: “You mentioned pre-marital sex; is that allowed?”

Joan: “Are we married?”

[I shook my head.]

Me: “Sorry for the dumb question.”

Joan: “It’s all about treating others with respect; people are free to do as they please. If two consenting adults have sex, so be it – just don’t come praying for a cure if you catch AIDS! The whining can get quite annoying!”

[I laughed.]

Me: “I completely understand; I like this new God!”

Joan: “We all do; it was so boring, before!”

Me: “Yeah, I had no desire to end up in the old Heaven.”

Joan: “Try this example. We have Chris and Tim; they are two gang members. One day, Chris’ younger Brother Mike, who was also in the gang, died at the hands of their rivals. Chris and Tim discovered who the triggermen were, because their girlfriends happened to be at the scene. The two women threatened to leave the men if they didn’t exact revenge. The foursome agreed that Chris and Tim should go out on a mission to kill the murderers. The longtime friends arrived on the enemy’s turf and unleashed a barrage of bullets; three rivals were murdered in cold blood. Years later, the friends left the gang life behind and turned to religion. They asked the Lord for forgiveness and married their girlfriends. The foursome founded an organization designed to prevent violence; they successfully saved thousands of youths from joining gangs. What should be the final judgment for each member of the foursome?”

Me: “I think the women would be forgiven for their involvement, but the men will probably end up in Hell for the murders.”

Joan: “The community work is great but it doesn’t matter because, in the end, each person in the foursome will end up with Jesus! Urging someone to kill is the same as murder. The law is thou shalt not kill; not thou can kill and then make up for it.”

Me: “Damn, that’s cold, but I guess it makes sense.”

Joan: “Avoid gangs, work hard, and listen to your parents.”

Me: “I’m with the whole avoiding gangs and working hard thing, but I have a problem with the listening to parents, part. What about the children whose parents are sinners? I think your stories don’t cover all aspects of life; maybe you need to go back to the drawing board. Why don’t you just give me a list of essential rules and we’ll go from there?”

Joan: “That’s actually not a bad idea. For now, post the story and I’ll talk to the big guy!”

Me: “Another problem I have with your story is that fact that it can actually happen. Aren’t religious stories supposed to be filled with a bunch of nonsense? Where are my impossible, living in a whale and burning down cities, details? Can I add a big gang war, where one gang kills all the members of the other gang, except for one infant who was hidden inside of the trunk of an old Honda? Maybe the baby can grow up and take down the rivals?”

Joan: “No, you can’t add your own details! This isn’t the old religion; we have to pass on information which makes sense.”

Me: “Ok, I’ll make sure people avoid gangs, but I definitely think the list of laws is the way to go.”

Joan: “I’ll let you know what the Lord decides!”

[She exited.]

God willing, there will be a list soon!



The Laws