Second Chance Sunday {XXXVIII}


100 Things I Miss About Being Catholic, from October 6th, 2011!



White House Phone Tap

debt cartoon china

Obviously, this video is a parody, because we don’t have any access to any government anything. (Even if we did, I would never risk my freedom by leaking such classified information!)

This project started like any other. We were sitting in our apartment, here in sunny Southern California, a catapults’ hurl from the unforgiving New England winter and several ideas were bounced around. (I figured if “a stone’s throw” can be used for a short distance, “a catapult’s hurl” is a great way to describe long distances!)

***Please remember who coined “a catapult’s hurl!”***

Usually, most of our ideas are forgotten, except for the few that find their way into my smart phone’s memo app or my cousin’s diary notepad. We thought it would be funny if the President of China decided to call President Obama in an effort to collect the huge debt.

Furthermore, we felt it would be more hilarious if the Chinese leader mimicked one of the wonderful employees at Sallie Mae. The idea took on a life of its own and we really felt it would be a disservice to the citizens of the world if we failed to follow through and complete the skit.

For the most part, our ideas require many people, a lot of equipment, and a great deal of time, which is difficult for two people who work full-time jobs. This project was different. Everything that we required was readily available and we didn’t mind sacrificing some free time to ensure the job got done.

Here is the final product:

China Calls Obama

If you enjoyed the video, don’t be selfish; share our skit with your friends, family members, neighbors, co-workers, delivery person, mail carrier, and spiritual leader. You should even share our video with your enemies, crushes, spouses, parents…etc.

Don’t quote me on this, but I heard, through the grapevine, that China will reduce the debt by 1 million dollars for every thousand views! LET’S ALL SPREAD THE WORD AND GET THIS DEBT UNDER CONTROL! Our Children’s future depends on this! (By “our children,” I mean “your children;” I don’t have such responsibilities!)

***I’m not afraid to admit that in all my years on this planet, I have never heard anything through a grapevine! (I have yet to truly live!)***


Second Chance Sunday {XXXVII}


Not My Fantasy, from August 24th, 2011!

Coming this week, I will release a secret White House video! (If I am arrested by the Secret Service, for some random trumped up charge, I didn’t do it!)



Thanksgiving Day 2012

Living in California, one may think that I spent Thanksgiving Day eating a turkey sub with cranberry juice, but one would be mistaken.

A big advantage of having a large family is the fact that wherever you go, you’ll possibly run into some “kinfolk!” (This word is now a part of my daily vocabulary since I watched the E:60 documentary about Jason Tuck!)

It’s great to be able to move across the country and share a beautiful and tasty Thanksgiving meal with friends and family. The day was great and our hosts were amazing. My favorite part of the evening came when I was presented with the opportunity to break out my “g“ card!

I don’t like to conform to anything, so I’m not big on being thankful on “turkey day,” but I was thankful for the opportunity to break out my “g” card!

The day was going well and it was time for dinner. Before we ate, everyone gathered in a large circle and bowed their heads while a guest said grace. I am incapable of paying attention to anyone who is praying because I equate the ritual to a stand-up comedian bringing down the house with hilarious material.

I have no idea what was said, but I’m pretty certain it went something like, “’god,’ ‘god,’ he’s our man, if he can’t do it, no one can!”

While the others either listened to the prayer or pretended to listen, my mind went on a journey. I didn’t bother closing my eyes, like everyone else; I looked around and created random thoughts about each person in the room.

I don’t really remember exactly what my thoughts were, but this is a general idea of what came to my mind:

  •   “I wonder if my cousin is wondering what’s going on in my head while these people are praying!”
  •   “I wonder if anyone really believes that ‘god’ put this food on the table!”
  •   “I feel sorry for the women who actually cooked dinner and are giving the glory to their imaginary friend!”
  •   “That chick is kind of hot; I would definitely ask her to ‘go steady’ and let her wear my Varsity jacket!”
  •   …and so on!

Sadly, the prayer went by really quick so I didn’t get to everyone in the room. The night went like any other Thanksgiving Day; great food, great company, and COLD ASS WEATHER! (Just kidding, it was hot as hell because I live in Southern California!)


 This is what our prayer circle looked like!


The “G” Card

There are some challenges that arise when someone becomes enlightened and discovers the truth known as atheism. I don’t mind having to repeatedly explain myself when asked, “how did you manage to figure out there is no ‘god’ why don’t you believe in ‘god’?”

Although I love being an atheist as much as a Catholic priest loves dressing up as Santa Claus and having little boys sit on his lap during Christmas, there are a few occasions in which I must pull out my “g” card. Sometimes, it’s just not worth my effort to explain that I am an atheist.

Here are some of the rare occurrences where I fake being a believer and pull out my “g” card:

{1} My mother is religious and she always says some form of, “’god’ be with you,” after any conversation. There is no point in saying anything else other that “ok!”

{2} Whenever one of my favorite teams lose, I like to say, “Why have thou forsaken me, ‘god?’ Fuck you and your son Jesus!” Even though there is no “god,” this usually bothers any believer within earshot, which makes me feel better about the loss. If people can thank their lord and savior after a win, I should be able to do the opposite after a loss! After all, “god” made words and words don’t hurt! Wait! I think I got that wrong; “god” made dirt. Who the hell made words? (I don’t know who came up with the “god” made dirt thing, but the person is clearly an idiot because anyone who has been hit with wet dirt knows a great deal of pain is involved!)

***Don’t bother calling me an asshole; I’m proud of that fact!***

{3} I always pull out my “g” card any time someone plays my favorite, Tim Tebow’s favorite, and without question the greatest religious song known to man; Rich Mullins’ Awesome “god”!
I think it’s dumb to say “’god’ is good,” because I was taught that good is not good enough, but saying our “god” is an awesome “god” is amazing! (If I had the choice between a good “god” and an awesome “god,” I’m going with the awesome one every time!)

Can one of you “keepin’ it real” rap artists please make a remix of this song? PLEASE!!!

Awesome “God”

{3} In order to keep myself humble, I usually break out my “g” card so I can appear to have the same intelligence as someone who believes in the existence of a “good” deity who has more deaths under his belt than the “bad” semi-deity.

I never knew “god” was a serial killer! (These numbers come from the “good” book!)

{4} I haven’t done this yet, but if I happen to be under the influence of alcohol and I run into some “good” girl who only sleeps with pious men, I will have no problem breaking out my “g” card! (“God” forbid she sleeps with a nonbeliever!)

{5} If I ever walk past the local abortion clinic during lunch and the angry mob of protestors, holding assault rifles and other powerful automatic weapons, ask if I’m pro-life, I first answer, “yeah, I love living!” They are usually pisses off by my response and threaten to kill me. I then say, “who are we to question ‘god’s’ plan? Speaking of plan, we can avoid all this nonsense if these women would just go to their local drug stores and purchase that plan b… never mind!”


The Mythical U. S. Education Problem

A major focus during the 2012 Presidential election was on the so called “education problem” in the United States of America. President Barack Obama and “governor” Mitt Romney each vowed improve the performance of American students. I agree that education is extremely important, but there is one problem; the United States of America does not have an education problem.

Our schools are filled with capable and caring instructors, who enter their respective buildings on a daily basis, prepared to educate the future leaders of the free world. Often, most members of the faculty arrive to work early, and leave well after the final bell.

These teachers also spend a great deal of their personal time, preparing lesson plans and grading the work of their students. Obviously, there are some exceptions. I’m not gullible; every teacher isn’t performing at the highest level. There are some instructors who barely do anything, but the majority of teachers are hardworking and caring.

I know what most of you must be thinking. “What the heck is this guy talking about? There is a major problem with the U.S. education system.”

I understand why you would think such a thing, but let me be clear; you are wrong!

I hear all the complaints about overcrowded classrooms and the lack of teaching materials, but that’s a bunch of nonsense. I’ve been in college classrooms with over a hundred students and everyone seemed to find a way to learn.

I will never believe that a classroom with forty, prepared and well-behaved, students cannot learn.

The American students are under-performing compared to their contemporaries around the world, but the problem is not the system. We do not have an education problem; we have a parenting problem!

A teacher can only do so much. Education begins at home, prior to the students attending kindergarten, and then continues inside each household, on a daily basis, whenever students return from school.

Without proper and consistent parenting, teachers will never be able to instruct their students. I would estimate that most teachers spend half of the school day fulfilling the parenting duties that each student is not receiving at home.

There are too many cases of children being raised by their grandparents, because mom and dad are too immature to get their lives in order.

These days, parents are more concerned with sending their child to school, wearing the latest fashion, rather than ensuring that the STUDENT is prepared to receive the day’s lesson.

Children should have the ability to solve basic math problems and read at their current grade level; these are the fundamentals of education. A child should not be able to recite popular and inappropriate songs, while mimicking the overtly sexual dance moves. That’s just bad parenting and a recipe for creating a future dropout.

More to the point, I know there are some parents, who think it’s cute when their child uses profanity, but a foul-mouthed child is one of the biggest parenting failures; a true tragedy.

To sum up my point, It’s pretty basic; if you find that your child “ain’t lurnin’ nuttin’!” The problem is you; not the teacher!


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