Little Caesars Is Dead To Me

I will never purchase anything from this company for the rest of my life. (Unless they repay me for my horrible experience!)

To be honest, the pizza isn’t good. (I know this may sound like the opinion of a disgruntled customer, but the only reason I went to the place is because of their “Hot-N-Ready” pizza which only costs five dollars and can be purchased with no wait. I am generally impatient so the quality of the food was less important than the quantity of time I saved.

Banning myself from this franchise may seem like an insignificant thing, but I was actually excited when I found out that Little Caesars wasn’t extinct. Once upon a time, while living in Boston, I enjoyed walking down to the local strip to purchase video games from Kmart. (I find it strange when “grown” men get excited about video games. They were a big part of my life, but like most childish things, I grew out of that phase. Maybe I’m wrong, but I just don’t have any desire to get involved in “gaming!”)

The only Little Caesars in the city (As far as I can remember) was located in the Kmart. [The Kmart is now a Target. I was also elated to discover that there are three Kmarts fairly close to where I live. I don’t have any desire to shop there, but it’s nice to know that Kmart is alive and kicking!] After a few years, the shitty Little Caesars was removed from the Kmart and replaced with something else. (I admit, that was a jab at the company!)

The Horrible Incident:

Like I stated before, I didn’t mind the shitty pizza because of my lack of patience. To the best of my knowledge, this horrible incident happened during my third visit to the establishment, located in North Hollywood; a stone’s throw from our previous apartment. (I said I didn’t mind the shitty pizza, but I prefer to eat good food, so I only went to this place as a last resort, because the quality was pretty low and my only mission was to get some crap inside my belly!)

I drove down to the Little Caesars and decided to skip the Hot-N-Ready crap and hope the regular pie (Can you tell I lived in the New Jersey!) was of a higher quality. I ordered the Hawaiian because pineapple is the world’s number one pizza topping. (If you don’t like pineapples on your pizza, you’re probably a dumbass!) The friendly pizza technician informed me that there will be a fifteen minute wait. I accepted her terms and handed over my debit card to complete the transaction.

Two minutes after placing my order, the girl who “helped me” ended her shift and left. Five minutes crawled by before I almost lost my mind. Thankfully, “god” worked in a mysterious way and sent an angel to perform a miracle. My pizza was ready, ten minutes early, and it tasted like one which was flown in from Italy and created by Anna Maria Garoscio. (Google her!)

Just kidding! “god” doesn’t exist and the story is a complete fabrication. Although, If it was written in the bible, a billion people would accept it as true!

I turned to my right and noticed a wondrous site; a Seven Eleven. (In Boston, Seven Elevens are rare, but in Los Angeles, you can’t go three blocks without driving past one!) I walked towards the convenience store and bought some drinks. I also decided to by a two dollar scratch because the person who gets paid to place products in the best location to increase sales knows me all too well and I couldn’t resist. (I don’t have a gambling problem, but I typically buy a scratch every two months or so.) I walked back to the Low-Quality-Pizza-Mart and sat down.

Now, a total of seventeen minutes had elapsed. The new counter girl asked if I was ready to order and I informed her that I was waiting for my Hawaiian pizza. She went to the back and it seemed as if no one knew about my purchase. The manager, who was in his early thirties, seemed to be more interested in the sexual lives of his high school employees than ensuring that I was a satisfied customer. (I don’t want to call this guy a pedophile, but I’m almost certain that he was working to pay tuition at the local seminary! ***With all the money that the pedophiles collect each Sunday, you would think seminarians wouldn’t have to pay tuition, but the Catholic church is a well-oiled money making machine!***)

The girl returns and informs me that my pizza would be ready shortly. I was pretty sure that they were just about to start making it. After another ten minutes of torture, I lost my cool and decided to leave before I voiced my obscenity-laced-opinions.

That’s right; I took the loss and went home, sans crappy pizza. The way I see it, it only cost me eight bucks to discover that Little Caesars is a horrible business. For the rest of my life, I will never spend another cent in any of their locations. The good news is the 20 bucks I won when I scratched the ticket. (Thanks magical lottery deity!)

I guess the real point of this post is for me to say “FUCK LITTLE CAESARS!”

@PeteTeix617