Recently, the International Olympic Committee (IOC) announced that the seven Tour De France victories by Lance Armstrong will be wiped from the history books. I think we will all remember where we were when the news broke. (I was somewhere in the city of Los Angeles, or possibly Pasadena; no wait, I might have been in North Hollywood…Maybe even Alhambra, Alta Dena, or Highland Park. Anyway, I think the point has been made!)
On the day of the “shocking” news, America lost a hero. Millions of children who aspired to become great cyclists had their dreams crushed. (*In this instance, the term “Millions” is a substitute for the number three!)
I did my best to gather up enough strength to make it through the day, but I definitely felt like I lost a piece of my heart. (More than likely, it was the part that gives a shit!)
Although the news of Lance’s cheating ways stripped the nation’s children of a great hero, I was comforted to know that there were others for the future leaders of the free world to look up to. Regretfully, I have the unfortunate task of bringing down some more heroes.
This news is particularly devastating to those of us who grew up in the 80’s and 90’s. After more than two decades of denying the use of performance enhancing drugs, we learn that the “good” guys were actually “bad.” The IOC ordered the retesting of DNA samples and they were able to produce positive results for several “heroes.”
As suspected, King Gregor’s castle was protected from the evil Duke Sigmund Igthorn and his ogres, by Cavin’s rogue band of cheaters. What is more shocking is the identity of the person who concocted the illegal potion.
Grammi Gummi has finally been caught. Her powerful Gummiberry Juice contains Tetrahydrogesttrinone, a previously undetectable steroid. The inhabitants of Gummi-Glen can no longer claim to be clean. From now on, whenever the “Dashing and daring, Courageous and caring, Faithful and friendly, With stories to share. All through the forest, They sing out in chorus, Marching along, As their song fills the air. Gummi Bears!! Bouncing here and there and everywhere. High adventure that’s beyond compare. They are the CHEATING Gummi Bears!”
Although the Gummi Bears have been found guilty of “juicing” I am pleased to announce that Cavin was unaware that the Gummiberry Juice was tainted. He is still a hero! Cavin is devastated by the recent events, but he plans to continue his relationship with the Gummi Bears. He did add that the other bears declined to comment for this story, but Grammi said, “I was only trying to create a way for us to help others!” (I guess she never heard of hard work!)
Here are the cheaters:
From left to right: Cubbi, Sunni, Gruffi, Zummi, Tummi, Grammi.
Gusto Gummi is also guilty.
Today is indeed a sad day! For those of you who are unaware of these cheaters, I provided a link to the first episode of the show. If you grew up watching the Gummi Bears, be prepared to have your hearts ripped out!
If performance enhancing drugs invaded the impenetrable walls of the Disney Corporation, nowhere is safe!