This post is not what you thing; I don’t care about the real referees coming back. I honestly don’t understand why everyone is excited to have professionals get the call wrong instead of the replacements. (I must have missed the perfect games that were officiated by Hochuli and his gang of zebras!)
My enthusiasm comes from the agreement between the NFL and Time Warner cable.
For years, citizens of New York City and Los Angeles were left in the dark when games aired on the NFL Network. For some reason, the two companies could not agree on a covenant. (Football is my only religion! ORANGE AND BLUE!)
Previously, I couldn’t care less about this dispute because I wasn’t affected (Apathy is the American way!)
Here is how the previous dispute impacted my life:
When we moved to Los Angeles the obvious choice for our viewing pleasure was DirecTV. (Our house is a Broncos home and we need the NFL Sunday Ticket!) Unfortunately, our apartment is located in an area of the building that is not satellite dish friendly. The DirecTV associate said that we could get the regular system, but not the HD box. Personally, I don’t need the HD quality programming, but I live in a world of “Jones-keeping-up-with” and the decision was out of my hands!
We turned to Time Warner, thinking the company was owned by a red-blooded American, but we were wrong. Unbeknownst to us, the CEO is a dumbass! At least he (Or she. I’m not sexist!) was a dumbass!
We didn’t have access to most preseason games, no access to the REDZONE channel (That one still hurts!), and we didn’t get to watch any of the Thursday Night games. Not knowing what to do, we turned to the football gods and made a sacrifice. (There are thousands of homeless people in Los Angeles and I’m sure no one will miss the vagrant that we disposed of!)
***Speaking of vagrants, let me go off on a little tangent. Earlier this year, I came up with a brilliant plan to deal with the homeless people who beg for change. I am not burdened with the guilt that hovers over religious people so I don’t feel the need to care for the “Lazies!” Whenever someone asked me for spare change, I always replied, “sorry, I only have my debit card.” (For the most part, I was telling the truth!) My plan was fool proof, until recently. I stopped at a gas station mini mart to purchase a cold beverage and snack, when I was approached by one of the lazies. He asked for some spare change and I hit him with the standard line. His reply was priceless. “That’s cool; grab me a bag of chips then!” He said. I found his response to be quite amusing, so I grabbed him a bag of chips! (Laughter is a great way to earn an honest day’s handout!)***
The football gods were pleased with our sacrificial offering. We now have the NFL Network and the REDZONE channel! (I can’t wait to kill, I mean sacrifice another homeless individual when the Broncos go to Foxboro to destroy the Patsies! In fact, I’m going to sacrifice two people just to be safe! You know those deities love murder!)
With the universe back in order, I can now enjoy all that the NFL has to offer! Thanks to the CEO of Time Warner for getting his head out of his ass and finally providing the NFL Network! (I can’t think of anything that is more un-American and treasonous than owning a cable company that doesn’t provide access to football games! Why Obama didn’t deploy Seal Team 6 to that jackass’ house, is a mystery to me!)