Doggie Deal Breaker

This evening, I was about to pull into the garage when I noticed a beautiful woman walking down the street. She seemed amazing until I observed the leash in her hand; she was walking her dog. I’d rather not be with a woman who owns a dog.

This post is an explanation of the reasons I consider dogs to be a deal breaker. Actually, dogs aren’t a deal breaker. If I met a great girl who was a dog owner, I’d accept the dog without any problems. I just prefer no dogs.

***I am not Michael Vick and I don’t hate dogs. I simply have no desire to own a dog and I consider them to be animals and not humans. That being said, I completely understand that there are many people who love their pets!***

     My preference comes from life experiences. First of all, I’ve never been the type of person who likes touching animals or insects. That being said, I would love to own a tiger! (I had fish while living in Boston, but I never actually had to touch them!)

The second reason I prefer no dogs is the fact that owning a dog is a big responsibility, a fact that most people seem to overlook. I enjoy being free to do whatever I please and a dog can limit what activities the owner can enjoy. You can lock a dog in a cage and leave the house, but that seems cruel. (I understand that the responsibility falls on the female, who owns the dog, but I would end up sharing some of the responsibility and I’d rather not have to take care of a dog!)

The third reason I have a no dog preference is based on the fact that I have never picked up dog feces; a fact that will not change! Relationships are difficult to navigate and I don’t need the added stress that comes from the “I am not picking up your dog’s shit” argument. I can be an asshole and there is no way I am backing down from this position. (I often see people picking up after their dogs and I laugh my ass off every time!)

Watching grown adults picking after their dogs reminds me of a Seinfeld joke. Here is the conversation between George and Jerry.

Jerry: “If aliens come to earth, they will think dogs are running things.”

George: “Why do you say that?”

Jerry: “Because all they’re going to see is a bunch of humans being led on leashes by their dogs and then watching the humans pick up after the dogs!”

This is an excellent point!

The main reason may be a bit silly, but it’s real and I can’t help it. I watched the 2005 movie Sleeping Dogs Lie, and it changed the way I look at dog owners. (The movie came out in 2005 so, I don’t feel bad if I spoil the story for anyone who reads this!) Basically, a woman has a sexual experience with her dog and reveals it to her boyfriend which causes problems in the relationship.

The way I see it, there is a 38 percent chance that women who own dogs experienced some sort of sexual contact with the animal and I am not about following a canine. That would be the sloppiest seconds! (There is no mathematical formula for figuring out the 38 percent; I just figure that is the accurate number!)

The final reason has to do with the fact that I am a germaphobe. Even if I am fortunate enough to meet one of the 62 percent clean dog owners, aka a woman who never lost the fight against the curiosity of bestiality, there are still cleanliness issues.

I don’t want to kiss someone who just kissed a dog, which just licked its own asshole. I don’t consider kissing dogs to be a sexual thing, but it is pretty gross! I also think sex should be a spontaneous thing and I would rather not have to stop in order to allow the woman to wash her hands before we engaged in consensual non-dog-involved sexual activities! I would also prefer not having sex on a dog-hair-covered bed. (Call me crazy!)

Not Hot!

     I apologize to any dog owners who may find this post to be offensive! (Now stop being pissed and go scoop up some poop!)


Published by Peter Teixeira

First and foremost, I enjoy writing stories. I recently completed my first novel, and I successfully co-wrote a short film script, which won the grand prize in the words made easy competition.

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  1. Hahaha! No offense taken. I find your misinformation hilarious!!

    First let me address the most ridiculous part of your post, you saw a movie about a disturbed woman who had sexual relations with her dog which now leads you to the conclusion that 38% of dog owners engage in beastiality?! Hahaha! That’s like watching Precious (mom, molested daugher) and saying 38% of mothers molest their children (which actually if u research the actual stats I’m probably not too far off!). But nevertheless, that’s ridiculous and you are one sick individual for taking it there. Wacky Pete, indeed!

    As for the dog poop, yea I saw that episode of Seinfeld and once in a while when I’m walking my dog I think about it and laugh. It is a ridiculous thing but I’m not going to be that owner that leaves shit everywhere for others to step on, you’re welcome! And really in the grand scheme of things scooping poop is such a minor inconvenience for all of the joy being a dog owner brings!

    You are definitely right that being a dog owner is a huge responsibility which I take very seriously but it doesn’t have to be a burden. If you train your dog properly you can leave him at home, not locked up, with plenty of food and water and a wee wee pad and go out and enjoy your day! Oh and not all dogs shed, mine doesn’t and he’s a hairy beast! But if leaving him alone still bothers you, there are plenty of dog friendly places to enjoy with your dog!

    In conclusion, I’m not a parent and I don’t know if I ever will be but when I hear parents talk about the joy their children bring to their lives I can very much relate! Yea, I know some parents are gonna think I’m insane for equating the two but screw you! My dog is family to me! And for all you dog haters just think about this, when was the last time that anyone in your life over the age of 5 ran to you with excitement everytime you come home and showered you with affection?! Dogs truly bring happiness to people’s live that’s why they are used to treat people with different emotional and physical ailments.

    P.s. What’s up with Bagging Up?!

    1. Ha ha! I’m probably not too far off with my 38%. I can’t help the way my mind works. Thanks for scooping up and making this world a cleaner place.

      I haven’t given up on Bagging Up. The next episode should be posted next week, if I don’t postpone it again!

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