This post is a look inside the inner workings of my mind. There is an ongoing battle between me and my mind, each night. I attempt to go to sleep and my mind wanders into the land of random thoughts. Unless I’m extremely exhausted, at least an hour goes by before I fall asleep. Thankfully, I keep my phone within arm’s reach in case I need to write down an idea or two. (This post originated during one of my nightly battles!)
My mind is like the IBM ThinkPad that I bought in 1998; it will shut down eventually, but there will be a long wait. Last night, I mistakenly thought I was going to fall asleep as soon as my head hit the pillow, but this is the journey that my mind decided it wanted to share with me.
I can’t remember what I was thinking about but eventually I ended up thinking about pizza. Immediately, I recalled the old Tombstone Pizza ads on television in which people are asked, “what do you want on your tombstone.” The question got me thinking about my tombstone and I actually arrived at a great epitaph. (I’m not sure if this quote is what I actually want on my tombstone, but it’s what I came up with!)
***Here lies Peter. Don’t believe a word he says!***
This is what I really want on my tombstone, as of today.
I have no idea where the quote came from, but I decided that my tombstone would read, “NEVER HAD TO PAY FOR AN ABORTION!” (No offense to anyone who had to pay for an abortion; I’m just stating a fact!)
Most people may be repulsed by such a quote, but I feel it is perfect for several reasons. After the initial reaction wears off, all types of questions will enter one’s mind. This is why I love this quote; it confuses people. (In the future, anyone who reads my tombstone will be filled with bewilderment!)
“What the hell does that mean?”
Assumption 1: I think when this guy was alive abortions were commonplace and he wants people to know that he never had to pay for one? He must have been some kind of hero!
Assumption 2: This guy probably got a lot of women pregnant, but he always managed to avoid paying for the abortion. He’s either a smooth talker, or a fugitive from the law.
Assumption 3: Maybe this guy is just letting everyone know that he never had to secretly pay for an abortion.
Assumption 4: I think this guy was accused of paying for several abortions and he doesn’t want anyone to believe the rumors.
Assumption 5: This guy probably got a bunch of women pregnant, but he never paid for the abortions because he had some kind of hookup!
Bonus Assumption: This guy is some idiot whose last request was to have a controversial and shocking epitaph on his tombstone. What a jackass!
I’m sure there are plenty of other assumptions, but I think these get the point across, like a trapeze artist without falling! (Feel free to share any assumptions that may have popped in your head!)
I didn’t think of any other assumptions because my mind shifted a little. Out of nowhere, I began to wonder if this quote would serve better as a tattoo. At first, I thought it was a great idea for a tattoo, but it is a horrible one. The reason the quote works better as an epitaph is the fact that I will be dead. If I get a tattoo that reads, “never had to pay for an abortion,” it may turn out to be a lie.
What if something happens and I slip one past the goalie causing me to have to pay for an abortion. (When it comes to abortions, I’m all for them; especially mandatory government forced abortions! I just think there should be a list of criteria which has to be met before allowing any idiot to bring a child into this world! No offense to any horrible parent!)
There is also a chance that I may have to pay for an abortion that I had nothing to do with. What if a friend or family member got some random one night stand pregnant, but he didn’t have the money to pay for an abortion. I may have to step up and contribute.
I’d rather not have children, but what if my teenage daughter disobeyed me and ended up getting pregnant by a boy who goes to church every Sunday? In that situation, I would have to pay for an abortion.
I’d rather not have a tattoo that is an outright lie, so I’ll stick with the tombstone idea!
I know what people are thinking; “you can get a tattoo removed or covered!” True! Tattoos can be altered, but I don’t believe in removing tattoos; they are meant to be for life. Altering the tattoo is not a horrible idea. I actually already have a basic idea of how I would do it. The “N” will have to be altered; possibly turned into an asterisk, and the exclamation point turned into a question mark. The tattoo will them read, “*EVER HAD TO PAY FOR AN ABORTION?”
That would be an awesome tattoo! Except for the fact that my new nickname would be Inappropriate Question Tattoo Guy or IQTG for short!
[The sequence ended once I gave myself the new nickname.]
That’s what I deal with on a nightly basis. Actually, this is how my mind works throughout the day as well!
***I don’t think I’m crazy!***