Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 2

Season 2: Episode 1

INT. sports bar

Bartholomew convinced Judas to meet the guys at a bar in order to hash things out.

SIMON

I can’t believe Matt escaped twice.

BARTHOLOMEW

Michelle is going to kill him when he goes home.

MATTHIAS

I told you guys; things are a little different now.

SIMON

She’s gonna kill him.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

I thought you said Judas was coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

He’ll be here in a half hour. I wanted us to get on the same page before he arrived.

SIMON

Phil, what the hell is going on with your eye.

PHILIP

I don’t know. It just swelled up for no reason.

BARTHOLOMEW

You don’t think you caught anything from Kim; do you?

PHILIP

Do you have to be an asshole?

SIMON

Don’t be silly, Bart. You can’t catch an STD without having sex.

The guys laugh.

MATTHIAS

Hey Simon, is that a hickey on your neck?

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell! I guess someone wasn’t getting any homework done during study hall.

PHILIP

I hope Leslie doesn’t see it.

SIMON

First of all, I take offense to the fact that you assume Leslie had nothing to do with the mark on my neck.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, maybe they were role playing.

SIMON

Thanks Bart; you’re a true friend. Where was I? Oh yeah! Second of all, it’s not a hickey. Its a stab wound.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I knew Leslie was crazy, but I didn’t think she would actually stab you.

PHILIP

It was only a matter of time.

SIMON

Well Phil, you’ll be happy to know it wasn’t Leslie.

PHILIP

Let me guess; some woman’s husband caught you sleeping with his wife?

SIMON

Hell no! I’m not a home-wrecker.

The guys laugh and Phil shakes his head.

MATTHIAS

You’re a stand-up guy.

SIMON

Don’t pat me on the back too soon; I do cheat. This came from a vegan chick I met.

BARTHOLOMEW

I thought vegan chicks were into peace and harmony?

SIMON

They are until you piss them off.

PHILIP

Do I even want to hear this story?

SIMON

Yeah, it’s a great one.

BARTHOLOMEW

Tell me you didn’t trick her into eating meat.

SIMON

I definitely gave her some meat, if you know what I mean.

BARTHOLOMEW

NICE!

MATTHIAS

Let’s hear the story.

SIMON

I was on my break but I wasn’t hungry so I just ordered a salad. The vegan chick ended up ordering the same thing which gave me an ice-breaker. She asked if I was vegan and I didn’t want to disappoint her so I lied.

MATTHIAS

Like I said, stand-up guy!

SIMON

She was cool at first, but after a couple weeks, she just kept going on and on about hating meat so I decided to end it.

BARTHOLOMEW

You broke up with her and she went crazy?

SIMON

It’s how I did it that was the problem.

MATTHIAS

I have to hear this.

SIMON
Since she always talks about being vegan, I know that her favorite place to eat lunch is the Prudential Center food court, so I went there and ordered a bunch of meat and she caught me scarfing it down.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s funny.

SIMON

It wasn’t funny when she snapped and stabbed me with a steak knife. If I didn’t react quickly, she would have killed me.

PHILIP

Psychos are created by your behavior.

SIMON

There is no excuse for attempted murder.

BARTHOLOMEW

What did Leslie say about the mark?

SIMON

That brings me to the favor I was going to ask. I told her you close-lined me while playing basketball.

BARTHOLOMEW

I got you.

SIMON

I wish she wasn’t a vegan; she’s an actress and I think she might be the next big star.

BARTHOLOMEW

I could never date an actress.

MATTHIAS

Why not?

BARTHOLOMEW

Because I don’t want to date someone who does sex scenes with a bunch of actors.

PHILIP

Yeah, cheating is cheating.

BARTHOLOMEW

If I’m friends with the guy who is dating Halle Berry, I’d torture him. I’d walk into his apartment everyday and sit him down saying, “I don’t know how to break this to you, but I think your girl is cheating on you.” Then I’d throw on the sex scene from Monster’s Ball!

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That would suck! I don’t think we could remain friends if I end up dating an actress.

SIMON

I wouldn’t let that bother me. All you have to do is use your advantage. Everyday, before she had to do a sex scene, I’d go to the set and make her give me a blow job. Then we’d see how the actor enjoys making out with my girlfriend.

The guys laugh.

PHILIP

That’s the nastiest thing I ever heard.

SIMON

You have to fight dirty if you want to win!

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s not dirty; that’s playing disgusting!

SIMON

Don’t kiss my chick!

Judas arrives at the table.

JUDAS

Kissing your chick; talk about sloppy seconds!

BARTHOLOMEW

You finally made it.

SIMON

You’re not still pissed are you?

JUDAS

I was heated, but I think if I was in your shoes, I’d probably believe the chick so I don’t care anymore. I’ll be gay Judas, as long as you guys don’t mind me inviting your chicks over for a slumber party.

PHILIP

I don’t care how gay you are; your not getting anywhere near Kim!

The guys laugh.

SIMON

So you admit that you’re gay?

JUDAS

No! The truth will come out eventually.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m confused. So you’re the the truth like Paul Pierce and you plan on coming out in the future?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

No. I have no idea why this chick made up this lie, but I intend on getting to the bottom of this.

BARTHOLOMEW

And by get to the bottom, do you mean some guys bottom?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I can see you’re going to enjoy this for a while.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yes sir!

JUDAS

Why do you keep saying, “no homophobe?”

SIMON

It’s a new thing that Bart came up with so we don’t hurt your feelings when we make hurtful gay jokes.

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

That’s actually hilarious, but I’m not gay.

SIMON

Yeah, and Phil is not a virgin.

JUDAS

Oh shit; it’s Jasmine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, I haven’t seen her in years. Do you still talk to her?

JUDAS

Na. After the last drunken hookup about a year ago, we’ve had no contact.

BARTHOLOMEW

Call her over here so we can all say hi.

JUDAS

I’d rather not; I don’t want to sleep with her again.

PHILIP

Are you crazy?

JUDAS

What?

PHILIP

She’s not going to sleep with you after a year of no contact.

JUDAS

Dude, she’s in love with me; I can bang her whenever I want.

BARTHOLOMEW

So you don’t want to sleep with her because you’re gay?

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

JUDAS

I’m not going to keep saying I’m not gay. You can keep the jokes coming.

BARTHOLOMEW

Thanks; I will!

MATTHIAS

I’m with Phil on this one; there is no way she is going to sleep with you after a year.

JUDAS

You guys are lucky I don’t want to sleep with her, because I would do it just to prove it.

BARTHOLOMEW

There is no way.

JUDAS

You guys have no idea.

SIMON

If that’s true, do it and prove us wrong.

JUDAS

I don’t want her to think that there is a possibility of us getting back together.

BARTHOLOMEW

It’s the gay thing, right?

SIMON

Again, no homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

I would pay to see this.

SIMON

Me too!

MATTHIAS

I’ll match whatever these guys put up.

PHILIP

You guys are so childish.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re chipping in too; or you can’t watch.

JUDAS

What do you mean watch; I’m not banging my ex in front of you guys.

BARTHOLOMEW

I bet you would love that gay guy.

SIMON

No homophobe!

BARTHOLOMEW

I’m down to put up two hundred.

SIMON

I’ll do two hundred.

MATTHIAS

Me too!

JUDAS

That was too easy; I’ll do it for fifteen hundred or no deal.

BARTHOLOMEW

Done!

SIMON

Hell yeah!

MATTHIAS

I’ll even cover Phil’s portion.

SIMON

Na, he’s paying too.

PHILIP

It doesn’t matter because she’s not going to sleep with him.

JUDAS

If you guys have the cash, I’ll get head in the bar’s bathroom.

BARTHOLOMEW

You work on that and we’ll go to the ATM.

The guys leave the bar and Judas heads over to speak with his ex-girlfriend.

About twenty minutes later, the guys returned to the bar and Judas walked over from his ex-girlfriend’s table.

BARTHOLOMEW

Ok, we have the cash; let’s see what you’re made of.

JUDAS

Pay up; I already got head.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

Which guy was it?

SIMON

No homophobe!

JUDAS

Real funny. I want my money.

BARTHOLOMEW

Are you kidding; I know you don’t expect us to believe you.

JUDAS

I’m serious; she gave me head in the bathroom.

SIMON

How the hell are we supposed to verify that?

JUDAS

No problem. I’ll do it again.

Judas leaves and walks over to speak with his ex. A few minutes later, he leads her from her table to the back of the bar, where the restrooms are located.

PHILIP

I can’t believe this. What’s wrong with her.

BARTHOLOMEW

She probably just loves cock like Judas.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

This is amazing. I can’t believe he actually got her to agree.

MATTHIAS

You don’t think he offered to share the money with her, do you?

BARTHOLOMEW

Hell no! Are you insane? She would never agree to do it if she knew we were paying for it.

SIMON

Yeah man, what’s wrong with you. She’s in love, not a prostitute.

MATTHIAS

I was just asking.

A short while longer, Judas returns to his friends and places his left hand on the table.

JUDAS

Is that proof enough?

There is a small amount of what appears to be semen on his hand.

The guys take notice and break out into laughter.

SIMON

I can’t fucking believe it!

JUDAS

Pay up!

Bartholomew places the fifteen hundred on the table and Judas scoops it up.

JUDAS

I work hard for my money!

MATTHIAS

That was definitely worth every penny; I honestly didn’t think he could do it.

BARTHOLOMEW

Chicks dig gay dudes.

SIMON

No homophobe!

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

You should have just busted in her mouth.

JUDAS

I did! I just wiped a little bit on my hand for proof.

SIMON

Well done.

PHILIP

I’m speechless!

JUDAS

Don’t worry; one day you will get head and know what it feels like.

The guys laugh and Judas heads to the bathroom to clean up. When he returns, his ex-girlfriend is by his side.

JUDAS

Hey guys, look who I bumped into.

BARTHOLOMEW

What’s going on Jasmine; it’s been a while.

JASMINE

Hi Bart, how’s life?

BARTHOLOMEW

I can’t complain.

JASMINE

Hey guys.

SIMON

Hi Jasmine.

MATTHIAS

Hey,

PHILIP

Hi Jasmine.

JASMINE

What’s wrong with your eye, Phil?

PHILIP

I think I’m having an allergic reaction to something.

JUDAS

I just assumed Kim abused you so I didn’t say anything.

JASMINE

It looks infected, do you want me to run across the street and get some eye-drops?

PHILIP

No, you don’t have to go through all that trouble.

Simon winks at Bartholomew.

SIMON

Maybe it’s a hair.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, maybe you have  a hair in your eye.

SIMON

Jasmine, you should blow in his eye like the old ladies used to do when we were kids.

PHILIP

No, it’s fine.

BARTHOLOMEW

Phil, it might get infected; you might as well let her help.

JASMINE

Yeah Phil, I’m sure it’s painful. Let me blow the hair out of your eye.

Jasmine attempts to grab Phil, but he avoids her grasp.

PHILIP

I’m fine.

SIMON

Phil, stop being a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah Phil, let her blow into your eye; what’s wrong with you.

Simon stands from the table and grabs a hold of Philip’s arms.

SIMON

Go ahead, Jasmin.

Jasmine grabbed a hold of Philip’s head and blew into his eye. Simon released his grip and fell to the floor. The guys erupted with laughter. Jasmine also found the incident to be funny.

JASMINE

Phil is such a baby.

SIMON

Yeah, cockeye is such a baby.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh shit! Cockeye!

JUDAS

I’ll walk you out Jasmine; these mature guys are going to be calling Phil a baby for the rest of the night.

JASMINE

Bye guys.

The guys wave goodbye, but can’t stop laughing long enough to say anything. Jasmine exits the bar with Judas.

PHILIP

You guys are assholes.

MATTHIAS

Why the hell did you let her blow in your eye?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, you know she just gave Judas head.

PHILIP

What was I supposed to do; Simon held me down and I didn’t want to let her know that Judas told us about what she did.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn cockeye, there is no way I would have let that go down.

Judas returns.

MATTHIAS

Are you guys back in a relationship?

BARTHOLOMEW

An open relationship; I assume.

SIMON

No homophobe.

JUDAS

Na, but I’m sure she has some ideas.

SIMON

You have nothing to complain about; you just got paid fifteen hundred dollars to get head.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, you’re a freaking porn star.

JUDAS

I’m not picking up the tab either.

The guys laugh and call it a night.

[IT’S A WRAP!]

Episode 3