Bagging Up Season 2 – Episode 1

If you haven’t read the first season, you may not understand what is going on! Bagging Up Season One

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Int. Judas’ Apartment

The big fight left everyone in shock. The group decided to get together for Sunday dinner in order to speak with Judas. Bartholomew was chosen as the person to ensure Judas shows up.

Bartholomew arrives at the front door as a tenant exits and he enters. He attempted to knock on Judas’ door, but it swings open before he makes contact.

A beautiful woman is about to exit.

JUDAS’ DATE

Oh. You startled me.

BARTHOLOMEW

Sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you; I’m Bart.

JUDAS’ DATE

Hi, I’m Marsha.

JUDAS

I have to talk to the landlord; how the hell did you get into the building?

BARTHOLOMEW

I climbed up the side like King Kong.

Marsha laughs.

MARSHA

It was nice to meet you, Bart.

BARTHOLOMEW

It was nice to meet you too.

Marsha turns her attention towards Phil.

MARSHA

Don’t forget to call me later.

JUDAS

I won’t. Drive safely.

Marsha pauses, checks out Judas’ body and comments.

MARSHA

I still can’t believe you lost all that weight.

JUDAS

It was a lot of hard work.

MARSHA

You’re my hero. I’ll talk to you later.

JUDAS

Ok. Bye.

Judas shuts the door.

BARTHOLOMEW

What the hell is she talking about, you didn’t lose any weight?

Judas laughs.

JUDAS

She thinks I lost about a hundred and seventy five pounds.

BARTHOLOMEW

Why would she think that?

JUDAS

Well, she works at Macy’s and when I went to buy a pair of jeans, I told her that I needed help picking out new clothes because I weighed over three hundred pounds.

Bartholomew laughs.

BARTHOLOMEW

She actually believed that?

JUDAS

Yeah, these chicks are idiots; you can basically tell them whatever you want.

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s hilarious.

JUDAS

You should try it. She was so proud of me, she let me do whatever I wanted. I think I’m going to keep her around for a little while.

BARTHOLOMEW

This is definitely going to blowup in your face when she finds out you weren’t obese.

JUDAS

Yeah, you’re probably right. Sorry about the other day; does Kim think we’re a bunch of thugs?

BARTHOLOMEW

Na, She understands that it was a rare occasion.

JUDAS

That’s good.

BARTHOLOMEW

We’re all meeting up at Phil’s for dinner. It’s best for everyone to get together and talk things out.

JUDAS

Yeah, I agree.

The guys continue to chat before they head out to meet the rest of the group.

Int. Philip’s Apartment

KIM

Hey Simon, are you alright?

PHILIP

Yeah, you look like you’re still bothered by the fight.

SIMON

Na, I’m fine.

The bell rings.

KIM

Looks like the guys are here.

PHILIP

I’ll let them in.

A moment later, Phil walks in with Bartholomew and Judas.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re right; he does look depressed.

SIMON

I’m not depressed.

BARTHOLOMEW

It looks like you just drove your girlfriend, who is the love of your life, to the airport so she could board a plane to Spring Break in Jamaica

JUDAS

Damn, that chick is as good as fucked! In that situation all you can do is pray that the STD she brings back is curable.

The guys laugh.

SIMON

I’m definitely not that depressed. I’m glad you decided to come, Judas. I want to apologize for the way I acted the other day.

JUDAS

It’s cool; we both crosses the line.

PHIL

Great! Everything is back to normal.

BARTHOLOMEW

I think we have to talk about the real issue before we can talk about things getting back to normal.

KIM

I agree. These types of things have a way of resurfacing if they are not dealt with.

BARTHOLOMEW

Before we get down to business, you guys have to hear the latest Judas bag up story.

Bartholomew shares the details of Judas’ tale and the group laughs.

SIMON

I think that’s my favorite story, yet.

BARTHOLOMEW

Not me; I still like his staple.

KIM

You have a staple?

JUDAS

I have no idea what he is talking about.

BARTHOLOMEW

Whenever he is going through a slump, he breaks the drought by going to 7-Eleven.

KIM

7-Eleven?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah. He sits there scratching lottery tickets until a hot chick walks in, then he says the infamous line.

KIM

Do I want to hear this?

PHILIP

No!

BARTHOLOMEW

Of course you do; it’s epic. After conversing with the chick for a little while and appearing to be a gentleman, he tells her that he is in the mood for a slurpee!

The guys laugh, but Phil and Kim are repulsed.

JUDAS

Works every time! Not to mention; she was a MILF.

SIMON

I hate that term; it’s completely meaningless.

KIM

What do you mean?

SIMON

Nowadays, every woman is a freaking mother. I have no idea what’s going on. Is the chick one of those sixteen and pregnant moms or a cougar?

KIM

You’re right; moms are getting younger and younger.

JUDAS

I don’t know about you but those chicks on sixteen and pregnant are definitely a bunch of moms I’d like to fuck.

PHILIP

Did you not learn anything from James’ situation?

JUDAS

I said, like to, not going to.

The doorbell rings a second time.

BARTHOLOMEW

Who’s that?

JUDAS

Maybe Kim invited some open-minded friends over.

KIM

Not a chance; I actually like my friends.

PHILIP

Good one; I think I know who it is.

Philip leaves to answer the door.

KIM

Was your 7-Eleven MILF super hot?

JUDAS

She wasn’t the hottest, but I’d feel comfortable walking through the mall with her.

KIM

You’re incorrigible.

The guys are is speechless when Philip walks in with Matthias.

BARTHOLOMEW

How the hell did you get paroled before James?

The guys laugh, but Kim doesn’t understand the joke.

MATTHIAS

It’s good to see you guys.

SIMON

I don’t know how I feel about you just showing up; what you did wasn’t cool.

JUDAS

Yeah, I’m with Simon.

PHILIP

I knew you guys would be a little pissed, but Matt is still our brother.

MATTHIAS

I don’t know what to say, Michele’s my wife. I can’t just always choose hanging out with the group over her.

BARTHOLOMEW

We needed you, man.

SIMON

Yeah, we were getting together to hear about what was happening with James; you definitely fucked up.

MATTHIAS

You guys don’t understand what it’s like to be married; I have to live with her.

SIMON

She runs your life; that’s not a marriage.

BARTHOLOMEW

At the end of the day, Matt’s not going to change so it is what it is.

JUDAS

I guess.

MATTHIAS

I know I haven’t been around, but when Phil and Kim told me about the fight, I had to get involved.

PHILIP

That has to count for something; right guys?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, I guess.

MATTHIAS

By the way, Phil has a girl; that’s crazy!

JUDAS

It doesn’t count because he’s not getting any.

MATTHIAS

Ouch!

SIMON

Yeah, it’s sad.

BARTHOLOMEW

Oh yeah, before I forget, I have to tell you guys about my co-worker.

JUDAS

The guy that you have a crush on?

Everyone laughs.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, the one you banged.

KIM

You guys are silly.

PHILIP

I think you meant to say, they’re assholes.

BARTHOLOMEW

My accounting firm merged with a larger company which brought some new changes. The CEO is really against drugs so instead of the usual piss test, he sent out a memo notifying everyone about a more stringent hair follicle test.

SIMON

Are you serious; that seems a bit extreme.

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah I guess, but it makes no difference to me.

JUDAS

I thought you were a pothead Focker?

JUDAS

Na, every since I stopped banging your mom, I lost the desire to get high.

The guys laugh.

BARTHOLOMEW

You’re a complete jerk for that comment; my mom’s a saint.

JUDAS

Yeah, she definitely spent a lot of time on her knees!

The guys laugh.

KIM

That’s uncalled for.

BARTHOLOMEW

What; she prays a lot?

KIM

Oh! I thought you were making a crass joke.

BARTHOLOMEW

No; she prayed all the time. (In woman’s voice)”Lord, please send me more cock!”

The guys laugh.

KIM

I can’t believe I fell for that.

PHILIP

I’m sorry, they aren’t good people.

BARTHOLOMEW

So, we all get the memo, and this guy “Sauce” starts flipping out.

SIMON

Your co-worker’s name is Sauce?

BARTHOLOMEW

No, I forgot his real name. We all call him Sauce because he goes into these random roid rage episodes at the drop of a hat.

KIM

What does sauce have to do with steroids?

PHILIP

When someone uses steroids it’s called being on the sauce.

KIM

Oh.

BARTHOLOMEW

I figured Sauce was going through another roid rage episode, so I didn’t really pay him any mind. The day of the test, he walked in and looked completely different. Sauce had long flowing hair, but his head was shaved.

SIMON

He actually shaved his head to avoid the test?

BARTHOLOMEW

That’s what we thought, which would have been dumb because they can get a hair sample from anywhere on a person’s body. The bald head was a change, but there was something strange about Sauce; he looked completely different.

SIMON

Did he get caught?

BARTHOLOMEW

After we laughed at him for shaving his head, he remained in his office until he had to take the test. It turns out that Sauce actually got the last laugh.

JUDAS

He passed!

BARTHOLOMEW

Nope! They knew he was doping, but he was only suspended without pay for a two weeks.

JUDAS

What? Why didn’t they fire him?

BARTHOLOMEW

Because he shaved his entire body, including eyebrows and everything. I thought he looked strange because of his hair, but it was the eyebrows; I never noticed.

Everyone laughed.

SIMON

That’s insane; he shaved everything?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah; he had some chick do it for him. They couldn’t get a hair sample so he was suspended.

MATTHIAS

These types of stories is why I missed hanging out with you guys.

PHILIP

You only have yourself to blame.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, I know. Everyone is so funny.

SIMON

Except for Phil, of course.

KIM

Phil’s funny.

SIMON

You have to say that.

KIM

I’m serious; he’s hilarious. Just the other day, we went to a restaurant and he reserved our table under Phil McCrakin; the host couldn’t stop laughing.

JUDAS

First of all, that’s old. And second of all, he wasn’t being funny; it was a cry for help. Phil was trying to come out of the closet. He really wanted to have his crack filled in.

SIMON

Isn’t it obvious; what guy chooses a restaurant with a host instead of a hostess?

Philip shakes his head while the guys laugh.

KIM

You guys are just jealous.

PHILIP

Don’t egg them on.

JUDAS

I forgot to tell you guys; I’m going to be rich.

PHILIP

How?

JUDAS

My new invention.

KIM

I can’t wait to hear this.

JUDAS

Kim, you have open toe shoes, right?

KIM

Of course.

JUDAS

I’m going to take that concept and bring it to women’s lingerie.

KIM

They already have sexy open toe shoes for women to wear with lingerie.

JUDAS

I’m talking about, open camel toe panties.

The guys laugh, but Kim can do nothing other than shake her head.

KIM

I have no comment.

JUDAS

Don’t worry, I’ll make sure you get a few free pairs.

KIM

I can’t wait.

PHILIP

Let’s get to the real issue before we lose track of time; what is the deal with you and Simon?

JUDAS

I don’t have any problems with Simon. I honestly don’t know why things got so out of hand.

SIMON

It was all my fault. I had something that was bothering me and instead of talking it out, I kept it in and things blew out of proportion.

JUDAS

What did I do?

SIMON

Remember that girl Heather?

JUDAS

Yeah, the one from the bar.

SIMON

I don’t really know how to say this so I’m just going to be direct. Heather knows your friend Dan and she said that you and him are gay lovers.

Judas laughs uncontrollably.

JUDAS

That’s the craziest thing I ever heard.

SIMON

I’m serious. She said you are gay.

JUDAS

I’m not gay. Why the hell would she pick me and Dan? It makes no sense; we banged half of the chicks on campus.

KIM

You don’t have to keep lying; we don’t care if you are into men.

JUDAS

What are you guys talking about? The other day when you said I was gay, I thought it was funny, but this is ridiculous.

PHILIP

You’re our brother, either way.

JUDAS

Hold on a second. So Simon, you mean to tell me you fought with me because you thought I was gay?

SIMON

Sorry, I didn’t know how to react.

JUDAS

That’s fucked up. I know we make a lot of gay jokes, but I’m no homophobe. A lot of my clients are gay and I don’t want to be around anyone who is filled with hate.

SIMON

I’m not homophobic. I was upset that you lied to us, and then I lost control when you kept making comments about banging chicks.

BARTHOLOMEW

I think we all felt betrayed. You don’t ever have to lie to us.

JUDAS

I’m not gay. I don’t even know that chick; why the hell is she discussing me in the first place?

SIMON

Why are you going to sit here and lie?

JUDAS

I’m going to leave before I lose my temper; tell your friend heather that she can go to hell, but I’d like to bang her, first.

Judas stands up and walks to the door.

JUDAS

This is bullshit; I can’t believe you guys are going to take the words of some random whore over me.

Judas slams the door.

BARTHOLOMEW

What just happened here?

SIMON

He must be too afraid to be himself.

KIM

Hopefully, he will be able to get a good night’s sleep and realize that he can be himself around his best friends.

MATTHIAS

I don’t know who this Kim chick is, but I find it hard to believe that Judas is gay.

SIMON

You weren’t at the bar. Judas has been living a lie the entire time.

BARTHOLOMEW

I’ll speak with him tomorrow and see where his head is at.

MATTHIAS

Things have definitely changed since the last time I was around.

PHILIP

You’re right about that.

MATTHIAS

You guys definitely need to slow down with the gay jokes and show some support.

BARTHOLOMEW

I think Judas knows we’re just having fun.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, but sometimes there’s a thin line between joke and hate.

SIMON

Ok, Martin Lawrence, we get the message.

KIM

I agree with Matt; you guys should give Judas some time before starting up with your jokes.

BARTHOLOMEW

Damn, that sucks.

SIMON

Yeah, I’m not even going to lie; it will be a challenge.

Silence fills the room as everyone takes in what just occured.

BARTHOLOMEW

Wait! We don;t have to stop making gay jokes.

SIMON

Na, I think they’re right.

BARTHOLOMEW

No! I have a solution. For example, if I see a guy with skinny jeans and I say, ‘skinny jeans are gay,’ all I have to do is say no homophobe.

SIMON

What?

BARTHOLOMEW

Yeah, it’s like no homo. Whenever you make a homophobic comment, you have to say no homophobe, to let everyone know that you are not homophobic.

SIMON

I think I like it. Let me see. Yo, no homophobe, but you need to stop looking at that guy’s ass and focus on defense.

BARTHOLOMEW

Exactly.

KIM

I’m not sure if that works, but Judas will definitely get a laugh after hearing no homophobe.

MATTHIAS

Yeah, I think he’ll like that.

BARTHOLOMEW

We’ll see what happens.

MATTHIAS

It was nice to hang out with you guys again.

SIMON

Don’t go getting gay on us.

BARTHOLOMEW

I think someone owes us a no homophobe.

Everyone laughs and the group decides to call it a night.

[It’s A Wrap!]

Episode 2

Check out the first season: Bagging Up.