When WWJD Goes Bad

Most people are familiar with the New York mafia. The Commission, made up of the Five Families ruled the underworld with the precision of a hidden underground mafia organization. (Sometimes, I just don’t feel like coming up with analogies!)

What people fail to realize is the fact that there was one ruling family, The Vaticano, which ran the criminal underworld prior to the Five Families. The family’s patriarch, Don Agostino, was an extremely religious man who ruled with the ruthlessness of a 15^th Century Roman Catholic Pope. (Sometimes, I love creating analogies!)

Don Agostino killed indiscriminately, but he loved the lord and believed that it was the god’s will for him to rid the world of sinners. (This guy was more hypocritical than the Pope condemning pedophilia!)

The Don often quoted the bible before sending out one if his henchmen to perform a hit on an enemy. Don Agostino believed that he was lord of the underworld and his soldiers were his lions. The Don often paraphrased 1 Kings 20:35-36. Is most famous line was, “since my enemies did not obey the voice of the lord, a lion will kill him.” (The Don never understood the concept of blasphemy!)

Although he was an evil man who committed unspeakable acts, Don Agostino often asked himself, “what would Jesus do” before making difficult decisions. Strangely, the Don believed that he was living in the image of Christ. The family continued to rule the criminal underworld in the United States for a quarter of a century, until one major decision ended his reign.

The Don didn’t believe in having one underboss, so he appointed a commission of six trusted advisers. Five of the men are well-known, but the sixth man’s name is never to be mentioned again. The five advisers were named Tommy Lucchese, Vito Genovese, Carlo Gambino, Joe Bonanno, and Joe Profaci. It was Carlo Gambino who uncovered a secret plot against the Don Agostino. Gambino revealed that the sixth advisor was planning to assassinate Don Vaticano, in order to take over the family.

The Don thanked Carlo Gambino for his loyalty then retreated to his library in order to plan his course of action. This is where the Don made his fatal mistake. Don Agostino Vaticano asked himself, “what would Jesus Do?” After a long night of contemplation, the Don arranged a dinner with his six advisers.

The Don wanted to have a last supper with his most trusted underbosses. The dinner was set for Easter Sunday, and located at a five star restaurant in the middle of Manhattan. The seven men enjoyed a delectable meal, and then the Don stood up to speak.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “I want to thank all of you for your loyalty. Together, we have ruled this country and made millions of dollars. I wish this was a celebratory dinner, but I speak with a heavy heart.”

The Don’s eyes began to water as he spoke. The men were speechless while they sat and watched their fearless leader struggle to address them. After a moment to compose himself, the Don continued.

Don Agostino Vaticano: “It has been brought to my attention that one of you is planning to betray me. This news has caused me a great deal of anguish; the six of you are like sons to me. I decided to have this last dinner before our family is torn apart; I will deal with the dissenter in the appropriate manner.”

The Don made the decision to follow in Jesus’ footsteps, but it was a rookie mistake. The sixth advisor realized that his plan was no longer a secret so he did the only thing he could do; he brandished a firearm and shot Don Agostino in cold blood. Carlo Gambino reacted quickly and shot the traitor before he could cause any more damage.

The Don died instantly. He did not have any sons, so the five remaining advisers created a commission and split up the city amongst themselves.

[The End]

     If you ever find yourself in a conundrum, don’t ask, “what would Jesus do?” (Unless you want to die as he did!)

***This was a true story based on a fictional tale, created by me!***

     Personally, I think Jesus would go all out for a Klondike Bar. This may seem like a difficult question to answer, but it’s pretty obvious what would happen. First, Jesus would invent a massive chest freezer, since refrigeration wasn’t invented during his mythical life on earth. The next thing Jesus would do is recreate his famous “fish trick,” by cloning more Klondike Bars. (I chose to go with cloning because we all know Jesus was about that science life!) Once Jesus filled the freezer with a year’s supply of Klondike Bars, he would make the owner of the original ice cream bar as his most trusted apostle. The two men would then offer a free Klondike Bar to everyone who accepted Jesus as their lord and savior. The people who failed to follow Christ, would be banished to Hell. (In this instance, Hell is simply being forced to live in Jerusalem’s desert climate without a Klondike Bar!)

Please feel free to submit your answers to the all-important question, “WHAT WOULD JESUS DO FOR A KLONDIKE BAR!”

I believe it was Forrest Gump who said, “religion is like a box of chocolates; you have to pay for it!”

@PeteTeix617