One negative aspect about evolving and leaving the Catholic Church for atheism is the fact that I have no place to confess. My how I enjoyed telling bold face lies to the priests whenever I felt pressure from older and more pious relatives and friends. Everyone knows that all good things must come to an end (Which is probably why the divorce rate continues to rise!) so I am no longer forced to tell fibs in front of “god” and his best followers.
My enlightenment left me with a conundrum. What the hell am I to do with my sins? I’m just kidding; there are no sins. People commit certain acts and if they feel some kind of guilt, they can find someone who will be willing to listen. I don’t have any “sins” that I feel compelled to reveal, but there are things that I don’t mind sharing. I will call them my confessions and I’ll post three at a time whenever I feel like I need to make a better connection with the wonderful readers.
I want to admit that I have the ability to see the humor in every situation. Regardless of the event, my mind will immediately discover the “funny.” This may seem like a problem, but I am adept at keeping a straight face in order to hide my inner hilarious thoughts. On the occasions where I think up something which makes it impossible to keep a straight face, I will simply hide my face in my hands. (This usually happens at funerals!)
I had to turn off the press conference with Junior Seau’s mother because I felt a little guilty that I was laughing out loud. I understand that the woman was out of her mind because she just lost her son, but the fact that she has a minimal command of the English language coupled with her irrational incoherent comments was too much material for proper decorum. (I know I am an asshole but the people at ESPN are jerks for allowing that interview to take place!)
This is one of the reasons that I enjoy each day. It’s impossible for me to share each of my random thoughts but some of the more entertaining ones figure out a way to leak into my writing.
My road rage is out of control. I honestly think the RMV should intensify the driver’s license test because there are way too many idiots out on the road. If you are in the fast lane and seven cars switch lanes in order to pass you; GET THE FUCK OUT OF THE FAST LANE!
Thankfully, I accept the fact that there are many horrible driver’s on the road so most of the times I simply laugh at how ridiculous my fellow operators can be. For those of you who are not familiar with Los Angeles, it’s important to note that most major roads are two lanes with a middle lane designated for making turns. This is the most efficient design because it keeps the traffic moving and prevents people from having to stop while they wait for the car in front of them to make a left turn.
One day, I was driving down a random street and I approached a red light. My car was in the right lane and a white Mercedes was stopped in the left lane. This was a major boulevard which means there was a lane for people who wanted to make a left turn. In this instance, that lane was empty. Once the light turned green, I pressed on the pedal and crossed the intersection. Before I could get far, I heard a barrage of angry horns. I quickly looked in the rear-view mirror in order to see what was happening. That’s when I saw the most offensive violation of the unwritten driver’s code. The woman in the Mercedes threw on her blinkers and waited patiently until it she was allowed to make a left turn.
I felt for the poor bastard who was stuck behind her but I was laughing hysterically. I would have lost my mind if she pulled that move in front of me, but the fact that it was happening to someone else was hilarious. The woman didn’t even attempt to move her car into the empty turning lane; she simply didn’t care about anyone else. (In my opinion, anyone who is behind such an ignoramus should be allowed to kill the dumbass!)
The good news for the public is the fact that I let out my rage by simply shaking my head or calling the person a douche, unless there is a passenger in the car; in those instances, I will voice my opinion of the offending licensed drivers. I don’t own a gun because I would shoot at least five motorists a day. (I’m just joking; I would shoot at least ten! ***This daily amount does not include the number of individuals who would get shot for using the word “swag!”***)
It really bothers me that I actually had to write the word at the end of confession 2. I hate that word with every fiber cell atom neutron proton electron in my body and I wish people would stop its usage. I enjoy listening to hip hop music as much as the next guy but as a culture, I hate hip hop. I hate everything it stands for. (Well maybe not that guy; he is standing in line at the grocery store, using his phone as a new age boom box, singing along to every lyric, and his tattoo is a depiction of Jesus being crucified while wearing a set of thorn-covered headphones and reads “Give Me Music Or Give Me Death! YOLO!”)
“What do you mean when you say what hip hop stand for?” You ask. I’ll answer that question with a little segment I like to call “Hip Hop Is The Reason.”
Hip hop is the reason why it is becoming widely acceptable for people to spell the word phone with an “f!”
Hip hop is the reason people think it’s an honor to be a guest on the Maury Povich Show!
Hip hop is the reason men would rather be called “baby daddy” than “father!”
Hip hop is the reason people possess all of the latest fashionable trends, without having the money to provide themselves with life’s bare essentials! (Wearing a pair of new Jordans and asking a friend to borrow a buck so you can buy a McChicken from the dollar menu is pathetic!)
Hip hop is the reason why children think it is cool to drop out of school!
Hip hop is the reason women think it’s ok to be whores, and sleep with random men as long as a nice car is involved!
I could go on forever, but I’m sure the point has been made!
FUCK YOU, HIP HOP CULTURE!
Wow! It feels great to get that off my chest!