Some people believe that thirty-three is old. To those people I say, you probably won’t live to see thirty-three; GOOD LUCK!
This challenge began with a simple encounter. “What challenge are you referring to?” Read this post to catch up to speed: A Challenge.
It was a beautiful day in Los Angeles (When isn’t it a beautiful day in LA!) so I decided to go for a walk. The calendar app in my phone showed that it was April 4th, to be exact. I turned the corner and saw a glorious vision; with the sun beating down on me, I could only make out a silhouette. Standing in front of an open garage door was what appeared to be a sculpture of a Greek goddess, carved out by Leonardo Da Vinci himself.
Not like this…
I have to admit, I was a bit intimidated; it’s not every day that one happens upon such a beauty. I did my best not to make a fool of myself and continued to approach the home. I didn’t know what to say; I wasn’t even sure I should bother attempting to court this stunning mortal. Thankfully, I didn’t have to make the first move. She sauntered to the end of her driveway and each step caused my heart to beat faster. She was even more exquisite than I originally believed.
The conversation seemed like a dream. It was as if I was outside of my body and I was watching the two of us talk. She turned out to be an easy going young lady, who agreed to “get together for some fun.”
Her name is Crayon Dynasty. She is a child of divorce who lives with a single mother. Crayon Dynasty’s father is an A-list celebrity, which is why she has such a ridiculous name. Her mother doesn’t work because she receives a king’s ransom in alimony payments.
That night, I sat on the couch and made a decision; I would give “god” one final chance to prove his existence. I often read Facebook posts from people who feel the need to thank “god” for all everything that he has done for them, so I decided it was my turn. I wanted to share in the good graces of the lord.
The Challenge was simple. I gave “god” two weeks to help me sleep with Crayon Dynasty. He had until April 17th to prove that he is indeed all powerful and good. If the clock struck midnight on my birthday, I would know, once and for all, that “god” does not exist.
To be fair, I made the decision to study the bible in order to learn exactly what I was required to do. The way I saw it, “god” only helps those who follow the holy book, so I knew I had to study; I had to study more than I ever studied before. It was my duty to understand how the lord works in order to do what I needed to do to allow him to help me. I read every page of the bible and I even reread the really good books. (You know the ones I’m talking about!) I was doing my part, but nothing was happening.
I met Crayon Dynasty at a local restaurant for dinner and drinks, and although she was inebriated, she declined an offer to return to my place. Most men would have been deterred by such a response, but I saw it at a good sign; this girl was a “good girl;” I would not be in danger of contracting the AIDS.
Crayon Dynasty had to be properly wooed if I was to bed her.
Each day, I reinvented myself. I studied the bible in the morning and did my best to make Crayon Dynasty fall in love with me. I pulled out all the stops, but she refused to engage in sexual intercourse.
It was time for desperate measures. I cooked dinner for her and her mother, Jill. I met with her father and did my bet to convince him that I was the man for his daughter. It worked! Crayon Dynasty was impressed, but there was no sex on the champagne room.
I was at my wits end. I did everything required of me, but the result I needed continued to evade me. This could only mean one thing; there is no “god!” That can’t be right. I had to keep trying. (Quitting is only for people who smoke cigarettes!)
An hour before midnight, I shifted into genius mode. I went through my bible notes and read over my favorite passages; there had to be something that I overlooked.
“And when the Lord, your God, delivers it into your hand, put every male to the sword; but the women and children and livestock and all else in it that is worth plundering you may take as your booty, and you may use this plunder of your enemies which the Lord, your God, has given you.” – Deuteronomy 20:13-14
No, this quote doesn’t have anything to do with my wish. First of all, I don’t have any enemies and I don’t want to plunder any cities.
“Lo the day shall come for the Lord when the spoils shall be divided in your midst. And I will gather all the nations against Jerusalem for battle: the city shall be taken, houses plundered, women ravished…” Zechariah 14:1-2
It seems like I’m getting closer, but I’m still not finding the answer that I am looking for. I must keep searching!
“They must be dividing the spoil they took: there must be a damsel or two for each man…” Judges 5:30
This isn’t it either. Wait one minute…what is this?
Eureka! I got it.
I turned to the clock; it was 11:40pm. Being on the Pacific coast provided me with three extra hours and I was going to make them count. I only had twenty minutes. I grabbed my keys, my bible, and bolted out the door. I briskly walked to her house and rang the doorbell. Crayon Dynasty’s mother came to the door.
Me: “Jill, is Crayon Dynasty home?”
Jill: “Yes, she’s in her room.”
Me: “I was reading through the bible and there is something that I have to show her. Is it ok for me to go upstairs?”
Jill: “Of course. Go right on up.”
I ran up to her room and knocked on the door; Crayon Destiny invited me in.
Me: “This is going to be the best birthday present ever!”
Crayon Destiny: “What are you talking about?”
Without saying a word, I moved the dresser in front of the door and I took her by force. She screamed and yelled for her mother to help, but there was nothing that could be done; I took what was rightfully mine. I took what the lord wanted me to have.
After a long thirty seven seconds of ecstasy, the deed was done; I had ravished her. I dismounted the damsel and put on my clothing. I moved the dresser and allowed Jill to enter the room. The two women wanted an explanation for my actions and I was prepared. I opened up my bible and read through selected verses.
“Here is the most important verse of all. ‘If a man comes upon a maiden that is not betrothed, takes her and has relations with her, and their deed is discovered, the man who had relations with her shall pay the girl’s father fifty silver shekels and take her as his wife…’ – Deuteronomy 22:28-29 I was looking for answers in all the wrong places. I expected for ‘god’ to do all of the work for me, but I finally figured out how prayer works. If not for the bible, I would have never understood the positive power of rape. Thanks be to ‘god’!”
Jill: “I understand. What happened today was beyond the scope of what we can understand. This act was a blessing from the lord himself; your future is set. “God’s” will has been done!”
Me: “Almost. Do you see? God wants us to get married and he laid out the plans for me. All I have to do now is pay your father fifty shekels and we can get married. This is a joyous day!”
Crayon Dynasty: “These tears that I cry are tears of joy! What did I do to deserve this!”
“God” is good! Our “god” is an awesome “god!”
For the 1st time ever, I am completely and totally offended by one of ur posts!! Sexist Bible! Why do men get to have all the fun?! When do we get to plunder and rape?! Damn Eve and her apple!
Ha ha! Don’t blame me; I’m just following the word of the lord. You can send all complaints to Pope Benny XVI and his subordinates.
lol…nice tongue in cheek…yes, most Christians do not want to pay attention to a book they claim is to be “taken word for word” aka literally…oh it is too laugh…
I have a couple of posts about the God & modern day Christianity (starts here http://disfuctionalunit.com/2011/11/13/does-god-love-the-raggamuffin-pt-1/ ) I still think the bible’s a good book, and as you’ve so aptly pointed out, some parts are funny as hell…great post
oh and to jrubecindo, there are lots of great women revenge and strong women stories in the old testament, some of them even sorta pro women (kinda)
Thanks, I’ll definitely check out your posts.
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