Why My Friends Don’t Like “god”

HBO is airing a new documentary called God is the Bigger Elvis. Obviously, I had to watch it and the film caused me to feel cheated. Allow me to explain.

I grew up in a large Catholic community. Sunday mass was filled with thousands of people. In addition to the regular mass, the church also had a children’s mass in the lower chapel. I don’t have any exact numbers, but there had to be over fife-hundred kids in attendance.

Everyone talked about loving their lord and savior, but as I look back, I feel as if it was all a farce.

God is the Bigger Elvis is about a former actress named Delores Hart. Deloris starred in her first film, opposite Elvis Presley and her career took off. She went on to great fame, starring alongside Robert Redford and Marlon Brando, until her life completely changed in 1963. That’s the year she broke her engagement to a famous actor and gave her life to “god.” Delores joined The Abbey of Regina Laudis, in Connecticut, and has been there ever since. Today, she is Mother Prioress and is the second in command of the order.

Even “god” gets sloppy seconds

     This is a woman who had all of the fame and fortune that most people dreamed, but she loved her lord more. “How does this make me feel as if I’ve been cheated?” It’s simple. Where the hell is the person from my generation who is in love with “god?” Why the hell didn’t any of my friends give their lives to serve the lord? I demand an explanation!

There is no way in hell that “god” exists. If there was a “god,” I would think that at least one of the thousands and thousands of children, who attended Sunday school with me, would give their lives to the church. Are the children of Roxbury and Dorchester not up to the standards of the Catholic Church? (Maybe it’s the fact that the scandal is rampant in the Church! ***I won’t go into any of the specific details, but thankfully, the child abuse scandal never reached our neck of the woods. Unless you think there is something inappropriate about a priest braiding the hair of the male youth! {For the record, I never got my hair braided!}***)

How can one possibly explain this “coincidence?” Why hasn’t “god” called upon the youth of Roxbury’s St Patrick’s Church to serve him? Does “god” hate us? Did we do something wrong?

I’ll make everyone a promise. If, in thirty years, “god” doesn’t call at least one of my contemporaries to serve his church, I will become a priest. Of course, my calling will not be real. (Kind of like every other priest or none, except for the fact that I will know that it’s all a bunch of bull!)

I will act like I was called to serve the church and I will enter the priesthood. (If you love your church, you will do everything possible to prevent this from happening!) I would not be a good servant of the lord. I would definitely abuse my powers. “What do you mean abuse the powers; give me an example.” OK. For one, I will listen to confessions, learn which of the women committed adultery and then I would sleep with the whores! (C’mon, it doesn’t get much easier than that!)

I’m just kidding, I would never waste my life living in a church and pretending to believe in mythical nonsense. That being said, I am not kidding about feeling cheated. Seriously, where the hell are the new school priests and nuns?

There is still hope for all of the promiscuous people out there; the church does not care about your past. In the documentary one of the nuns, named Sister John Mary, continues to attend regular AA meetings and also suffered from drug addiction. (I would love to see this group of nuns play, Never Have I Ever!)

On a somewhat related subject, if there are any women in the Los Angeles area who gave up sex for lent, hit me up on Easter Sunday. I gave up condoms and I’m ready to have some random, meaningless protected sex!

Can someone please give their lives to “god?” Pretty Please! I want be able to say that I grew up with a priest or nun. Honestly, it’s not fair. I don’t want to be a member of the “Un-Called” generation! Anyway, since I brought up the documentary, allow me to share some thoughts.

I found it weird that one of the nuns said that sex is more complicated than people may think and that they have a different type of sex life. I also found it weird that Sister Delores’ ex-fiancé has continuously visited her on a regular basis for the past forty-seven years. I also don’t get the fact that they walk around the grounds, holding hands, and then kiss on the lips before he leaves. What is really going on? Is she two-timing “god?” She better not be; we all know how jealous that guy is!

Could you imagine “god” taking this the Mother Prioress on the Maury Povich Show for a lie-detector test? I can! It would probably go something like this:

Just kidding! I don’t feel like going there again. “What am I talking about?” You wonder. Read this previous post to find out. Virgin Birth

If anyone plans on loving their “god,” please give me a heads up. I would love to help you make the transformation! Don’t be a selfish person!

@PeteTeix617