This is my attempt to create an original stand-up comedy set. I have coined a new phrase; Laptop Comedy. (Laptop Comedy is a set that is written using a laptop and posted on a blog!)
Originally, planned on creating a full comedy set, but then I realized that I am not even considered an amateur. I can’t just show up on the scene and put together a half hour special; who the hell do I think I am? This is a short set which will determine if I write another one of these posts in the future.
I HOPE THIS IS ENJOYABLE!
I will set the mood and make an immediate connection with you by opening up with your favorite song. ***Please play your favorite song now!*** (Do you feel the connection?)
First off, I’d like to thank everyone for taking the time out of their busy workday to read this entry. I hope you find the subject matter to be amusing. Wow, I didn’t even know YOU read this blog. Damn, you are amazing. Oh shit! I can’t believe you have that on. Do you not know that I can see you? (Guys, this last bit was not for you!)
I’m sorry for the delay; I was supposed to write this post a few weeks ago, but I had to take a piss. I was running home and I just couldn’t hold it. I ended up hitting the alley like Daniel Son. (If you are a rap artist, feel free to steal that line!)
There is no way anyone can tell me that Daniel son didn’t smash Ally, in the original Karate Kid.
I hate the fact that I have to say original Karate Kid. I enjoyed the new version, but I’m sick of the remakes. I feel like we are in an age of non-creative people. (Read my post on the matter to enrich your lives! Copy Cats.)
It’s ridiculous when you think about it. We have a group of people who grew up in the 80’s who are flocking to movie theaters to watch films based on their favorite cartoons. No wonder this country is going to shit; there are no more grownups. We lost an entire generation. The new age grandmothers are at the clubs backing that ass up; it’s sickening. Yet, I can’t turn away!
Here’s an obvious fact. Grandparents are not supposed to be in their late 30’s and early 40’s.
It’s crazy, but things are even crazier in Los Angeles. Just the other day, I was in a supermarket and as I was walking down the aisle, I saw this woman who had on my favorite pants; leggings. Her ass was perfect and it got better as I approached. I would post a picture of her ass, but I’m not that guy; I don’t ever bust out the creepy camera phone guy routine.
The weirdest thing happened. As I got closer, she turned to face me and I almost lost my shit. The woman was at least sixty years-old. She was a freaking mutant. A sixty year old with an eighteen year-old body; I’m sure I don’t have to elaborate on her superpowers.
“What the fuck; I almost tried to bag at your old ass.” I screamed out.
Just kidding; I wanted to holla at her, but she turned me down.
LA definitely takes some getting used to. Moving out here allows me to understand how someone came up with the concept of cougars. There are many old women who are actually bangable. Not where I’m from. Not In Boston! In Beantown, 80 year-old women actually look 80; some look 90.
Not in LA! Here, they have all the plastic surgery that money can buy and they are hotter than some of the young women. I most certainly get the whole Cougar Town thing. These women worship their plastic surgeons. They’re telling their “god” (If you believe in such nonsense!) thanks but no thanks with the old age thing.
In Boston Cougar Town would have been named “Vomitville or Sag City. How many guys would be looking forward to bagging a Sag City chick? I don’t think that song would be a hit. (Sag City Chicks, Sag Sag City Chicks! Eighties and a nineties chick!)
I know what most of you are thinking. This woman did not have a great ass; it was the pants. YOU WOULD BE WRONG. She had a great ass and the pants had nothing to do with it. I know many people think that magic pants make every woman’s ass look great, but we’ve all seen some examples of leggings-gone-wrong!
No my friends, this woman was the real deal. I’m almost HIV positive that she was a palates instructor, or a senior citizen fitness center staff member, or a freaking decathlete who runs marathons in her spare time. In a word, she was FIT!
I would like to apologize for spending the lion’s share of this post on an old lady’s ass. I couldn’t help it; this thing actually happened. I just talk about my experiences.
That’s all for this comedy bit. Hopefully, it was entertaining.
Until next time!