Phone Folks

Usually, my posts are for entertainment purposes only, but there are few instances in which I feel the need to assist my fellow man. (I’m from the ‘80s, before the invention of political correctness so the word man covers both sexes!)

This post targets a specific group of people, the dumb-phonies. “Who are the dumb-phonies?” you ask. I’ll tell you!

Dumb-phonies are people who do not have smart phones. They live in a simpler world in which the information super highway is not at one’s beck and call. I dub their phones dumb, because it is politically incorrect to use the word retarded, and mentally-challenged-phonies seems a little over the top.

If you are a dumb-phonie, I am pretty sure that you may see us smart-phoners and feel a slight sense of envy, but you don’t know what our lives are like, behind closed doors. You may walk by the phone section at Best Buy, or saunter by the cell phone kiosk at your local mall, looking at the plentiful selection and dreaming of the moment when you purchase your own smart phone, but these devices have a dark side. (Don’t lose your innocence!)

My phone made me add the picture!

     Smart phones will bring the end of man. Our phones are becoming smarter while we grow dumber by the day. These flawlessly constructed machines also cause death and destruction without any hint of guilt. Homo sapiens are in danger of losing our lofty spot at the top of the food chain; smart phones are slowly replacing us as earth’s dominant species. (There is indeed a dark side and Satan is named SIRI!)

{Phone people are part of a cult and they don’t even know it! Since I brought up Apple, what the heck is up with the new leader? Is this guy insane? (I don’t know who was chosen to replace Steve Jobs as the leader of Apple, but I’m assuming it was a man. IS THAT SEXIST?) Why the hell did he decide to call the new Ipad, “THE NEW IPAD?” What the heck is the next one going to be called? Sometimes, companies make mistakes and promote the wrong person. Apple is going through one of those times!}

     For shits and giggles, before leaving for work tomorrow, turn your smart phone off and place it in a drawer. If you can step out the door without making a mad dash for your plastic deity, consider yourself one of the elite! (I, myself, wouldn’t even be able to turn off the device without having a severe panic attack!)

***For diarrhea and side-splitting laughter (Do you see what I just did there?) take someone else’s smart phone and hide it!***

WARNING: Smart-phoners can become extremely hostile and unpredictable in such instances.

     To the dumb-phonies, I say abstain. DO NOT BUY A SMART PHONE! Do mankind a favor and continue to live your safe mundane lives. Keeping up with the status updates of your “friends” is not the wonderful life that the smart-phoners make it out to be. We may seem on the exterior, but deep down inside, we are crying out for help. (Everything we stand for is a sham!)

The phones also cause us to neglect the well-being of our fellow citizens. According to recent studies, texting while driving is worse than drunk driving. I can’t recall how many times I almost killed a pedestrian because of my smart phone. Friends don’t let friends text while driving! (I once knew a man who drunk texted while driving. In the morning, not only did he wake up next to a beast of a woman, but he walked outside to find his car parked in her neighbor’s begonia garden!)

The garden hasn’t been the same since the unspeakable incident!

     Texting while driving is becoming more and more of a problem. People are actually hoping for red lights so they can have the freedom to type up a quick text. (Honestly, we should be ashamed. I’m pretty sure the LMAO could have waited!)

I write about such things because I am one of the afflicted. The other day, I was waiting for a red light so I could send out a text, and it was green for a mile and a half. I wanted to kill someone. “Don’t these damn traffic light operators understand that I have something ‘important’ to send out!” I yelled, to myself, in my car.

I think my most egregious offense has to be when I drive with my knees, on the highway, going in excess of seventy miles, while texting. I’m ashamed to say that this happens more frequently than not. (OK, I lied; I’m not ashamed to say what I just said. Well, actually, I guess I can’t be ashamed since I didn’t say anything; I wrote it!)

Like any other bad habit, or in this instance; illegal habit, people seem to take the it-will-never-happen-to-me approach. Texting while driving is about as bad as it gets. Anyone who partakes in such a vice is basically telling the other motorists to fuck off! (Don’t tell other motorists to fuck off; it’s mean!)

Click the link to read the tragic story of a Montreal woman who recently died while texting her boyfriend. No one should ever have to go through such a heart-breaking experience. Emy Brochu Texting Death.

Hopefully, my words will be able to encourage dumb-phonies to stay away from the smart phones. If you are a dumb-phonie and you decide not to heed my advice, you will only have yourself to blame! In fact, not only should you not purchase a smart phone, you should set up interventions for your friends and family members who are addicted to their smart phones. (I sincerely apologize for coining the term dumb-phonies! I’m sure the people without smart phones are neither dumb, nor phonies!)

In case anyone was wondering, I am not addicted to my phone like the other smart-phoners; I can stop using my device whenever I want!

Disclaimer: No phone was used in the creation of this post.



Published by Peter Teixeira

First and foremost, I enjoy writing stories. I recently completed my first novel, and I successfully co-wrote a short film script, which won the grand prize in the words made easy competition.

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