Comparing the Impossible

I sat on the couch and felt as if I was lacking something. I thought and thought, until I finally understood what I craved; I wanted a snack.

I wasn’t sure what I wanted, but I knew I didn’t want any junk food. I wanted something delicious, light, and filling. We had some baby carrots and celery to go along with a great veggie-dip, but eating this combination required more work than I was willing to undertake; the celery stock had to be cut into small pieces.

I was baffled. UNTIL, a thought entered my head. (An infrequent occurrence!) We had apples and oranges. PERFECT!

A problem still remained; which would be the better choice? I actually wanted both and everyone knows that I like to live dangerously. The plan was set in stone; I would eat an apple before finishing off with an orange.

For centuries, millions of humans have thought about comparing these two dominant fruits, but each attempt resulted in a miserable failure. A bonus to this extreme snacking was the ability to do the impossible; I challenged myself to complete the impossible comparison.

First I had to categorize each item. This was a simple task because they are fruits. This is a step that has been repeated millions of times. The problem was always, where do you go from here?

For step two, I chose to discuss temperature. Each fruit was in the refrigerator’s crisper drawer, so they were equally chilled.

So far, my comparison shows that apples and oranges are exactly the same; there had to be some way to differentiate between the two.

Eureka, I will focus on color. The orange was orange. Most oranges are orange. (I say most, because I don’t feel like researching to see if there is some orange in some foreign land which has an exterior color other than orange!)

The apple on the other hand was a different story; it was green. Not only was the apples color completely different than the oranges’, but apples come in more than one color. (I actually had a red apple in the crisper, but I chose to go with the green!)

Now we are getting somewhere. Do I prefer orange or green? Green is for the money, as former pimp turned Christian, Bishop Don Magic Juan, reminds us every chance he gets. I’m with the money thing, but I must admit that I prefer the orange color when deciding on a fruit. Advantage: orange.

Another key element is what I like to call, thirst-quench-ability. I get dehydrated pretty quickly and I need a piece of fruit that can hold me over between drinks. In this component I have to go with the orange. The apple provides some thirst-quench-ability, but pales in comparison when matched up against the orange. Advantage: orange.

Next, I will focus on flavor. The green apple is delicious and consistent. The orange on the other hand, may be delicious sometimes, but there have been many instances in the past in which I had to throw out an orange for being either too sour, or too dry. This inconsistency is truly annoying. Advantage: apple.

It is important to remember that I wanted to do as little work as possible, so I created a category called ease-ability. This is where the apple shines. In order to enjoy an apple, all that is required is washing the skin. Oranges on the hand are not as easy to deal with. I’m not going to say that oranges are difficult to eat, but there is some peeling required. Advantage: apple.

I also decided to look at what I will call share-ability. This is the category which people often think the orange dominates, because it is easy to peel off a piece and share it with a friend, or relative, but I have to go with the apple on share-ability; snacking is a one person game. Sharing is wack! Advantage: apple.

Durability is important when discussing fruit. The apple bruises fairly easy, but the orange is arguably the most durable fruit. You can juggle oranges and drop them on the floor without worrying about losing any quality. Plus, you don’t eat the oranges’ skin. I don’t care how much you wash an apple, that skin is dirty once it hits the floor. I understand that some people peel apples before eating but they turn brown and peeling would detract from apples’ ease-ability rating. (Don’t juggle apples; they will be nasty to eat!) Advantage: orange.

I think we have enough information to make a final decision. Based on the collected data, I am confident in my decision to name the orange as the dominant fruit. (Apples are good, but I love oranges, so the apple didn’t really stand a chance!)

The next time you hear someone say, “it’s like comparing apples to oranges,” smack the idiot in the face and say, “I’ve seen it done!”

I would love to eat one of these!

     Have a great day! Tebow to the Jets means the Patsies have to deal with him twice a year. I LOVE IT!

@PeteTeix617