Do You Want To Live Here

     January 7th is officially the beginning of a new adventure. I know what most people may be thinking; “you’re supposed to start your new beginning on New Year’s Day, hence the term New Year’s Revolution, idiot!” (Stop thinking conventionally. I am not an idiot and I don’t do Resolutions; well, not New Year’s ones, anyway!) January 7th is the day I’ll join @EFIdalgo12 on a flight to Burbank. (We’re outta here!)

The apartment search has been surprisingly enjoyable. I have an overactive imagination, so each posting is like a trip on a mini adventure. My favorite aspect of apartment hunting is definitely the ads which are, in a word, off-kilter. (There are some interesting people in this world!)

Luckily, I enjoy sharing, so I have compiled a list of the top five “SPECIAL” postings. I hope you find these to be as entertaining as I do!


Posting #5


     This ad appears several times a day. It looks pretty decent until you click the link. This is for a sober living facility. We drink but we’re not there yet! We actually clicked one ad which seemed perfect. Once we called, the woman notified us that the place was for people who needed help. Granted, we need a lot of help, but I don’t think the trained professionals at these facilities have the capabilities to treat our problems! (We’re still keeping this on in the stash in case things don’t go as planned!)


Posting #4

$500 / 825ft² – Are you looking for a really nice, cheap place to live for a month, this is for (Burbank):

“I have a beautiful, large studio apartment. It can be easily divided for your seperate space. It has two large walk-in closets, good sized patio, everything is newly remodeled, crown molding, high ceiling, has underground parking for you with remote for gate. Also has a heated pool and jacuzzi. Oh yeah it has a fireplace as well. I am 26, very clean and love movies, playing music, and love going to the gym. I am very easy to get along with and have a great sense of humor. I drink ocassionally, nothing serious, few beers here and there and I’m very mellow. My name is Skyler. If you need somewhere to crash for a month this is a great place. The sofa is very comfortable. You should definitely give this place a look, very peaceful, very nice, and in a very good location. Close to everything but in a great spot where it’s quiet and relaxing. Look forward to hearing from you. Reply with picture of yourself. Price includes utilities!”

Five hundred bucks to crash on a sofa and listen to some mellow guy with a sense of humor play his music? NO THANKS! This sounds more like a profile on EHarmony. (I think this posting was written during one of Skyler’s occasional beer drinking nights!)


Posting #3

$400 MOTOR HOME FOR ONE PERSON (Northridge, Granada Hills):

“Motor Home in driveway of quiet home, welcome to use the full kitchen and Laundry in house, large backyard, free maid service available

house is located near stores, restaurants, freeways, and a park, and is close CSUN,

This is in a nice very nice area in the San Fernando Valley,

this is for One male, not a couple, has to be a considerate and responsible person who is fully employed or a full time student or a combination of both,

this is for One male, not a couple, has to be a considerate and responsible person who is fully employed or a full time student or a combination of both,

There is no smoking or pets,”

How can anyone turn down this offer? Is this person serious? I thought Skyler’s couch was bad, but all things considered, he may be underselling that very comfortable sofa! The only missing detail is the fact that the “quiet home” is actually a double-wide trailer! A red flag went up when I noticed that the person was specifically targeting a male. What the heck is that about? I’LL PASS! (It seems like someone is looking for a bromance!)


Posting #2

$1 Film Director seeks live-in Assistant (Burbank area):

“Are you bright, friendly, outgoing with an interest in film or other creative stuff? Like to live-in as a personal assistant/FWB to an award-winning Film Director in his cool, artsy house not far from Burbank? Free rent, and utils and possible commission for helping on several of my feature films currently in production and post. More info on request with your pic.”

This posting appeared to be amazing; I would love to work with an award-winning film director in his cool, artsy house, but what’s with the picture request? Is this person looking for a talented assistant, or something more? I’m not sure, but to be on the safe side, I’ll let someone else jump on this opportunity, LITERALLY! Something tells me these award winning films are of the adult variety! (I think I would have a little more respect for these creeps if they just came out and said that they were perverts!)

**Obviously, I may be reading too much into these ads. They may actually be legitimate. I re-read the posting and something jumped out of the screen; what does FWB mean? I had no idea so I turned to my good friend Google. I was not surprised to learn that it means, friends with benefits! I apologize to this creep for claiming that he didn’t have the balls to just come out and say what he wanted! (Did anyone else notice that there is no specification of gender preference? How progressive!)**


Posting #1

$250 No deposit just until Feb!:

“I am offering to share my room just until Feb. This gives you time if your new to Los Angeles to find a permanent place. I am also new to Los Angeles and I am a male. You would be sharring the room with me and a bathroom as well. You do need your own air mattress. I just bought a new queen size bed but thats the only bed in the room. I am a single male looking to pursue acting. I am laid back and friendly. I live in a quiet suburban area in North Hollywood. Female preferred!”

This is great, until you realize what you just read. SHARE A ROOM? You have to be kidding me? And an air mattress; C’mon! There has to be a better option than this place. If by chance, this person comes across my post, please update me on whether or not you actually found someone to take your offer. “Female preferred!” What gentleman doesn’t prefer to have a female sleep on an air mattress, while he slumbers in the comfort of a queen size bed? (There has to be an easier way to get laid!)

**I can’t believe he forgot to ask for a picture request!**

*****************Bonus Posting*****************

Free Apt-Female only (MDR):

“Please do not respond if you are not serious. I have a free apartment located in a very safe and nice area and within 5 minutes walking distance to the beach. The apartment also has a heated pool year round if you prefer to take a dip other than the beach. I am willing to share this apartment with a young ATTRACTIVE female in trade for services. In addition to free rent, the utilities, groceries and living expenses are included. In trade for this apartment, you will need to do some cleaning, cooking, errands and be open to a No- Strings -Attached benefits arrangement. You must be a young attractive female who is easy to get along with. You also must be a responsible, caring, TRUST-WORTHY, HEALTHY (drug free / disease free), drama free and open minded. Myself, I am a young attractive professional with a very busy schedule that requires me to travel quite often lifestyle. You will have the apartment to yourself for 3 weeks each month. I’m yound, attractive, well educated, HEALTHY, fit gentleman who is down to earth. If you are interested, please respond with a current picture and brief description about yourself. If you do not respond with a picture, i will assume you are not serious and will delete your response. Thank you.”

This one is makes Mr. FWB sound like a decent guy. I’m going out on a limb here, but I’m pretty sure that the women are “evicted” from this wonderful domicile. You can’t blame a guy for enjoying his money! (I’m guessing he adheres to the honor system when determining if the women are disease free?)

The search continues!!!


Published by Peter Teixeira

First and foremost, I enjoy writing stories. I recently completed my first novel, and I successfully co-wrote a short film script, which won the grand prize in the words made easy competition.

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  1. These ads are tooooo much smh lol…This is why some people go to Cali and never are heard from again ..

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