Thanks to a suggestion from Jess, this post will aim to shine a light on several sayings which make, absolutely, no sense. Some of these were plagiarized directly from her.
- “People who live in glass houses should not throw stones.” This just sends a bad message to the children. My nephew does not live in a glass house, is he allowed to throw stones? “Don’t throw any stones; you little jerk!”
- “Love is blind.” I thought love was supposed be a good thing. I have nothing against blind people, but I’m sure they want to see. “Love is invisible!”
- “All good things must come to an end.” I love what this one infers. It’s time for everyone to become atheists since we all know, “god” is good! (I think he came to an end during the Renaissance!) “Enjoy the good times because they may not last!”
- “Justice delayed is justice denied.” This is completely idiotic. Justice is justice; I’ve never heard the family of a murder victim ask the governor, most likely of Texas, to pardon the murderer because the justice was delayed. “Justice delayed, is futuristic!”
- “Laughter is the best medicine.” This only works if your ailment is unhappiness. Laughter is great, but I’d rather have a morphine drip, thank you. “Laughter is great; go to the hospital when you are sick or injured!”
- “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” If I can’t eat my cake, you can keep it; it’s your cake, now. No, I just want to look at my cake and marvel at its beauty. Who knows, if I’m lucky, maybe I will get to smell my cake. This one is too ridiculous to waste brain power trying to improve it.
- “Practice makes perfect.” There is no perfect, and some people just lack talent. “Practice makes better, unless you suck!”
- “What doesn’t kill you only makes you stronger.” This is inaccurate. Go to any Intensive Care Unit and ask the people if they feel stronger. “What doesn’t kill you can still cause severe damage!”
- “As you make your bed, so you must lie in it.” Does that mean that the workers, who make the beds in the hotel, lie in them before they leave the room? If so, how long must a person lie in a made bed? This one is too confusing.
- “Children suck the mother when they are young and the father when they are old.” Yeah, maybe in the Sandusky household; this one is just creepy! It cannot be fixed!
- “A good beginning makes a good end.” Tell that to the people who end up getting divorced after they share a wonderful courtship and have a lavish wedding. “A good beginning can be ruined by a bad ending!”
- “A burnt child dreads the fire.” Everyone dreads the fire. Even pyromaniacs don’t want to be burned. “A burnt child was unsupervised!”
- “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the kitchen.” This saying is outdated. We have air conditioners, central air, ceiling fans, and great ventilation systems; kitchens are no longer too hot. “If you can’t take the heat, get out of the sauna!”
- “He is a fool that kisseth the maid when he may kiss the mistress.” This one just made me laugh.
- “Always put yourself in the other person’s shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the person too.” No it doesn’t; you just wear different sizes. They are quite comfortable for the other person. “Wear your own shoes and mind your damn business!”
- “When one door closes, another opens.” This is not necessarily true; one door can close and another one can open, but this rarely occurs. Doors are independent objects. People close doors all day long without opening another one. “When the sun goes down, the moon will provide the light!”
- “Happiness will never come to those who fail to appreciate what they already have.” I think the homeless guy who hit the lottery might disagree with this one. “Happiness is in the eye of the beholder!” (It’s as subjective as beauty!)
- “The early bird gets the worm.” Being punctual has nothing to do with getting the worm. Birds don’t even have to be fast; worms are pretty slow. “The observant bird gets the worm!”
- “There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” What sadistic bastard is out in the world, skinning cats? “Don’t skin any cats, you evil asshole!”
- “It’s a dog eat dog world.” This is a total misrepresentation of canine behavior; dogs do not eat other dogs. They may night and kill, but they are not cannibals. “It’s a dog kill dog world!”
- “You’re comparing apples and oranges.” What’s the problem; they’re both fruits and easily comparable. This apple is tastier than that orange; it makes perfect sense. “You’re comparing apples to aborted fetuses!”
- “A penny saved is a penny earned.” If your saving pennies, give me a call and I’ll send you a couple bucks. Don’t be shy! “A penny saved is fucking insane!”
- “He, who laughs last, laughs best.” This couldn’t be more false. The person who laughs first can have a better laugh. “He, who laughs last, wins!”
- “I slept like a baby.” This one was created by someone who never witnessed a sleeping baby. They sleep like they have A.D.D; and only for short periods of time. “I slept like a wino on a park bench!”
- “A rolling stone gathers no moss” I have never witnessed a rolling stone, but who the hell wants to gather moss? “Why the hell do you want to gather moss?”
- “When life gives you lemons, make lemonade.” What the hell am I going to do with lemonade? I just lost my fucking job, dumbass! “When life gives you lemons, squeeze the juice into life’s eyes!”
- “You must face your fears, head on.” This is absolutely the worst advice. You will only cause yourself unnecessary trauma. The fear will most likely remain. You’re afraid for a reason. “You must avoid your fears at all cost!”
- “Money can’t buy happiness.” Poverty can’t buy anything; I’ll take the money, please! What the person means to say is, “I have no money and I am angry that you do!”
- “Don’t put all your eggs in one basket.” Why the hell not? The reason I brought the basket was so I can put all my eggs in it. There is no freaking way I am carrying two baskets! (If you ever see anyone carrying two baskets of eggs, kick them in the ass; they are completely defenseless!) “Be careful with your eggs; their fragile!”
- “Pushing the envelope.” I don’t see how pushing an envelope can be categorized as an extreme act. This phrase is nonsensical. “Pushing the expensive glass vase!”
- “A friend in need is a friend indeed.” No, this person is needy and burdensome; you should run away. “A friend in need is annoying!”
- “A watched pot never boils.” Yes it does! It’s basic science. Water boils at a two hundred and twelve degrees Fahrenheit, whether a person watches or not. “If you stare at a pot of water, you will feel as if it is taking forever to boil!”
- “Good things come to those who wait.” Really, I’ve been waiting to hit the lottery and that hasn’t happened. “Waiting for good things to happen is cool, but you should probably get off your ass and make things happen!”
- “All you need is love.” Ok, I’d like to see the ass that’s trying to feed his family with love. “All you need are the basic necessities; if you find love, that’s a bonus!”
- “Cheaters never prosper.” Someone who sucks at cheating probably came up with this one. “If undetected, cheaters will prosper!”
- “First thing’s first.” No shit! You can’t get more obvious than this. I’m assuming second thing is second, and so on. “Handle your business, in order!”
- “If it ain’t broke don’t fix it.” (Writing that word makes me cringe!) This is just another obvious statement. I can come up with a million of these. “If the oven works, you can bake a cake in it!”
- “Life is just a bowl of cherries.” For the life of me, I can’t figure this one out. All I can say is, I have yet to see a bowl filled with cherries; anywhere! “Life is good, well, for some people!” (This works perfectly, since all good things come to an end!)
- “Walking on egg shells.” The egg shells are already broken, so who cares? It’s not like walking on egg shells will cause bodily harm to an individual; walk on glass might work. “Walking on baby chicks!” Now that would be serious.
- “You must walk before you run.” Bullshit! If you have the talent to get up and run, don’t let anyone hold you back; run like the wind. “If you can run, RUN!”
- “Run like the wind.” When the hell have you ever seen the wind run? It should be, “run like the cheetah!” (Or cheater, if you can get away with it!)
- “Si es Goya, tiene que ser bueno!” Who the hell slipped this one in?
- “They’re like two peas in a pod.” So what you are saying is, they are together because they are trapped? That’s not a good pair. “People are nothing like peas, but the pea pods and shrimp from the Chinese Restaurant is delicious!”
- “With “god,” anything is possible.” Without “god,” anything is also possible. “Anything is possible!” (It’s pretty basic!)
- “There is nothing to fear, but fear itself.” Is this a joke? There is plenty to fear. This is a scary ass world; did you ever walk into a mega church and forget to bring your weekly donation? You will truly understand what fear is! “Fear everything; people are crazy!”
- “Fool me once, shame on you; fool me twice, shame on me.” There is no limit to how many times a person can fool you. It should be, “fool me once, shame on you; fool me again the same way, I’m a dumbass!”
I decided to create my own saying. A team that has not been Tebowed, has not played Tebow!
Hahahahaha! You found so many more good ones and by “good ones” I mean nonsensical ones.
I think you did a great job at re-wording these. But here’s a suggestion for some of them:
As a consumer of Goya products, I totally agree with that but I can understand that not everyone has great taste as I do so they should change it to: “Si es Goya, PUEDE Que Sea Bueno!”
The run like the wind one, always bothered me. But I would’ve changed it to “Blow like the wind” although then it could become a bit R-rated and thus reserved for a line from your Bagging Up series as Judas references a “night of passion”
Walking on egg shells is ridiculous! But really Peter?! Walking on baby chicks…that’s a bit on the psycho side…what did chicks ever do to you?!
After this post, I’m going to try really hard not to use any of those ridiculous sayings. I too shall make up my own. Here’s one: When you spend half of the game on your knees its pretty obvious that your true calling is “servicing” Jesus, Pablo, Tim, Dave, etc…
Oh and here’s another one: THE PATRIOTS WILL DESTROY THE broncos!!
very much enjoyed this post.
Thanks for the idea. I should have placed an asterisk by the baby chicks one; I can’t believe I got played!
I love Goya products!
Don’t put that on me! I would never condone such an act of violence against defenseless baby chicks. I’d wait until they were grown and chop up their heads, pluck out their feathers, season it up real good and fry it up nice and crispy 😉
Ha ha! I guess the people will have to decide for themselves.
As far as the Patsies, I have the Broncos by 24!
Yea those that know me know my heart is pure!
By 24?! You better get on your knees starting now! What you choose to do once you’re down there is your business.
I can’t wait for everyone to witness the blowout!
Peter!! I told you what you choose to do once you’re on your knees is your business! I will not be witness to such things!!! Eeeewwwwww!
Ha ha! I thought twice about using that word, but decided to take a chance!
You must have been drunk for this one… I thought you were going to explain the sayings as analogies or give us the origins… What’s wrong with you??
That wouldn’t be fun; anyone can Google that info!
Thats too much work…
Maybe another time.
“You have to fight fire with fire”- can u imagine trying to put out a fire by adding more fire to it?!!
Ha ha! That’s hilarious. I just imagined three different skits. I’m keeping this one to be used in some future project!
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