Unconventional Endings

I’ll save my review of Lee Strobel’s book for next week. (Who knows? Maybe I’ll become a believer!)

     Sometimes, I get weird thoughts which give me endless hours of enjoyment. A few days ago, I came up with a concept for different scenarios which I thought would be funny, or just plain horrible. In each of these instances, I will write what I think would happen if there was an afterlife. There is one catch. Each person who dies, must remain in whatever state they were buried, and the spirit which remains has absolutely no powers. (No, people who are cremated will not feel pain during the cremation process! Once someone is dead, they are incapable of feeling any physical pain.)

After the description, I will write what each person says. Due to the fact that no one actually knows what happens once people die, these might actually be real occurrences. At the end, I will write my burial ritual request. (You might want to plan your funeral accordingly!)

Case 1:

This case involves a militant Islamic fellow whose life mission was to become a martyr. His motivation was to serve his “god.” (I’m not a betting man, but I’m sure the 72 virgins also factored into the decision making process!)

Martyr: “Wow! That was a loud explosion. Where the hell am I? Am I dead? I guess I know where Mecca is by the direction my head is facing, but what good does that do me; I am stuck in this coffin and can’t see a thing. Isn’t this a bitch? Where the HELL is Allah and all my freaking virgins? This can’t be it; this has to be some kind of joke.”

Ten years later.

Martyr: “Damn, I think this is it. What a waste of life. I wish I could go back and apologize to all the innocent people who I killed. Oh well!”

Case 2:

I will now discuss the death of a virgin. She really paid attention in Sunday school when the nun was discussing the church’s policy of no sex before marriage. She never found true love, therefore, never had any sexual experiences. (Not even a blowie!)

Virgin: “Where are you ‘god?’ I am ready to be with you for all eternity. Hello! Is anyone there? Why can’t I see anything? Where the HELL is everyone? If I spent my entire life being chaste, and I don’t get any reward, I am going to kill someone. Wait, I can’t kill anyone, I’m stuck in a freaking coffin for the rest of eternity. Why didn’t I just listen to the little voice inside my head and have sex? I’m a freaking idiot!”

Ten years later.

Virgin: “Why didn’t I just have sex? I’m such an idiot!”

Case 3:

In a tragic accident, a thrill seeker jumped out of a plane with a parachute that malfunctioned. His lawyer advised the daredevil to write out his will a year prior to the jump. His only request was to have his body cremated and his ashes scattered over the Grand Canyon. (He died doing something he loved!)

Skydiver: “I can’t believe I get to spend an eternity in the Grand Canyon; too bad for all those religious people who are stuck in a box in the ground. I guess I didn’t end up in HELL! This place is amazing. Thank goodness I didn’t ask to be buried in a cemetery. I can’t believe I can fly! Did someone say something? Hello!”

Spirit: “Hello.”

Skydiver: “Who are you?”

Spirit: “My name is Running Cloud. My entire family was massacred by the American government soldiers. Our bodies were thrown over the cliff and we’ve been living in this beautiful canyon ever since.”

Skydiver: “What happened to your family was horrible, but at least you will spend the rest of eternity in this wonderful place.”

Running Cloud: “Come with me. I will introduce you to the others.”

Ten years later.

Skydiver: “When I was alive and I pictures Heaven, I never could have imagined this. Thank goodness there aren’t any boring people singing hymns or any ‘god’ to tell me what to do.”

Case 4:

The matriarch of a large family died of natural causes at the ripe old age of 96. She lived with her eldest son, but her final wish was to have her body cremated and for her ashes to be placed in an urn over the mantle of her beach house on Martha’s Vineyard. The entire family made the trip down from Boston to witness the placement of “Nana’s” final resting place. (She loved her family above anything else!)

Nana: “Hello! Can anyone hear me? I know all of you are out there. Bill, let me out of this urn; it’s HELL in here. HELLO! Please, somebody help me. I can’t believe they can’t hear me. I guess it’s not that bad; I’ll get to listen to my family members enjoy their time in this beautiful house.”

Ten years later.

Nana: “Help! I know you can hear me. Hey Tommy, throw your baseball over here and knock over this urn. C’mon; do it for your Nana!”

Case 5:

A sailor loved the ocean and hoped to one day navigate sail across the Atlantic, from the United States to his native country, England. Everyone told him he couldn’t make it, but he was determined. Along the voyage, he encountered rough seas which overturned his boat. He was a strong swimmer, but the waves proved too challenging and he eventually drowned.

Sailor: “It’s finally over; I can’t believe I survived. Wait a second, where the HELL am I? Is that the Titanic? Oh my goodness; I’m under the ocean. This is amazing; I get to spend the rest of eternity swimming in the ocean and living amongst the fish! I’ll never get tired of this! How lucky am I?”

Spirit: “Hello, my name is Captain Edward john Smith; I was the Captain of the Titanic. Allow me to welcome you to our underwater adventure land. I’ll introduce you to some of the girls; they’ll be happy to show you around.”

Sailor: “I think I’m going to like it here!”

Ten years later.

Sailor: “There is still so much more to SEA!”

You get the picture; there is a possibility that billions of people are stuck underground in their coffins. I am not going out like that! I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered inside Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. Obviously, this will have to be a secret mission for the family member who loves me the most! I can think of nothing better than watching the Gators play every single home game for an eternity! Anything else, would probably be HELL! (Just in case, I plan on leaving behind a million dollars to any hot woman, who agrees to have her body cremated so her ashes can be scattered inside the Swamp, as well! It might get lonely in there!)

For my thoughts on death, read the previous post: Where Are All The Dead People.


Published by Peter Teixeira

First and foremost, I enjoy writing stories. I recently completed my first novel, and I successfully co-wrote a short film script, which won the grand prize in the words made easy competition.

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