I actually thought Halloween would keep Joan away, but she appeared. Not only did she show up, she dressed up in the scariest costume I have ever seen. It wasn’t the devil, some evil demon, or the exorcist; she took the form of a woman I haven’t seen in about eight months, who was about eight months pregnant. I almost fainted!
Thankfully, the new Lord has a better grasp on reality; he lived amongst the humans and understands the fact that people are incapable of making the proper decisions, all of the time. Joan revealed that the 10 Commandments are decent, but they had to be amended. God wants his laws to be realistic!
The stories will continue in the future, but for now, these are the Laws!
- You shall have no other gods before me. I am the only God. The way it was worded before makes it seem as if other gods are allowed, as long as they are secondary.
- You shall not make for yourself any carved image, or any likeness of anything that is in heaven above, or that is in the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children to the third and fourth generations of those who hate me, but showing mercy to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. Idols are permitted. Just do your best to create an appropriate likeness. You can make any idols; this new God is not a jealous God.
- You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes His name in vain. Taking the Lord’s name in vain is not a sin. God understands when humans get upset they take his name in vain. Every now and then, try and remember to look up towards Heaven and say, “My bad!”
- Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. Six days you shall labor and do all your work, but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor your manservant, nor your maidservant, nor your cattle, nor your stranger who is within your gates. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, and rested the seventh day. Therefore the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and hallowed it. There is no longer any Sabbath day. The old Law was ridiculous!
- Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. Listen to your parents and honor them. Unless your parents are idiots; in that case, find a set of responsible adults and listen to them!
- You shall not murder. There are no exceptions. The state is permitted by the Lord, to execute any murderers.
- You shall not commit adultery. If you have a desire to bed more than one woman, remain single! Marriage is for life! *****I am honored to announce that the Lord has decided to allow couples to divorce, but they must adhere to the rules of the divorce party! (Read previous post: My Proposal To Save Marriage)*****
- You shall not steal. The state is permitted to cut off the dominant hand of thieves. Everyone is to work hard and purchase any desired item!
- You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. You may bear false witness against your neighbor. Just don’t be upset if your neighbor returns the favor!
- You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. You are free to covet everything which you desire. Just act accordingly. It would be idiotic to control a person’s mind.
Before she departed, Joan also gave me some additional laws for people to follow. According to Joan, the Lord understands that it will be most difficult for Christians to make the conversion because of the nonsense that has been ingrained in them, but if they are unable to adjust, they will land in Hell with their former “Lord and Savior.”
- Serving the Lord is a choice. Although people who do not follow the Lord are destined for Hell, do not waste your time trying to convert others. The word of the Lord will be available to all; those who choose not to follow will suffer a great penalty. This is not a religion based on hate. Treat others as you wish to be treated.
- Every human being is worthy of following the Lord. Do not discriminate against others.
- Rape is forbidden. Sex is for consenting adults. The state will be allowed to castrate all rapists. Those who commit statutory rape must pay for a life size statue to be placed in front of their residence. The statue will serve as a reminder of their sin!
- Dreams are free from sin. People who get mad at you for something that happened in a dream will go directly to Hell.
- No more frivolous lawsuits against companies. If you spill a hot cup of coffee on yourself, deal with it! Any individual, who is dumb enough to cause bodily harm to him or herself, and then attempt to bring a suit against the company, will go straight to Hell. The Lord does not favor, nor protect dumbasses!
- Prostitution is allowed. People are free to use their bodies however they see fit. The oldest profession is not a noble one, but indeed profitable.
- Pimping is a sin. The Lord permits the state to do with these offenders as they will.
- Reality means be real. Anyone who appears in a reality show, featured on MTV or VH1, will go straight to Hell.
- Do your best not to lie. Lying is not a sin, but the habit is definitely frowned upon!
- Racism is a sin. Yet, racist jokes are allowed, unless they lack humor!
- <Bonus> Think before you ink. Women, who have lower back tattoos, must give it up on the third date or they will be banished to Hell!
For now these are the laws. Do your Lord’s bid and spread the word; just don’t annoy anyone!