It’s been a while since I woke up in time to attend Sunday mass, and for that I apologize. Furthermore, I honestly can’t remember the last time I confessed to a priest. I feel it would be better for your loyal followers to confess directly to you, but I admit that I am incapable of comprehending the justification for using priests as middlemen. Since I haven’t confessed my sins in quite some time, I’ll take this opportunity to do so; I hope you don’t mind.
Let me see…sins? I can’t really think of any because I’ve been extremely obedient, but I guess if I were forced to, I could come up with a couple questionable ones. There was the one time when I heard a Jewish guy deny the fact that my brother Jesus was your son, and I didn’t speak up. I promise it will never happen again!
I guess if we were splitting hairs, one could say that another of my sins happened when I stumbled upon a shameful bachelor party. I failed to look away, completely, when the stripper disrobed. I felt a strong sense of indignity wash over me and I quickly removed myself from the premises.
You will be happy to know that other than the two instances which I just mentioned, I have always asked myself, “what would Jesus do,” before any action. (I will continue to live according to your just laws, as long as this blog’s title remains the same.)
My reason for this letter is not to confess my sins, but to thank you. You blessed me too many times in my life for me to mention all of the instances, but I will go over some of the highlights.
Thank you for my education. There are those who may think that I worked hard and accomplished everything on my own, but I know I had nothing to do with my success. All of the glory goes to you Lord. I may have spent sleepless nights studying and working hard, but you are the one who did everything. Thanks again!
Some people may feel that I am a talented storyteller, but I am no fool. My creativity does not come from my life experiences and all of the support that I receive from my family and friends; it is you who blessed me my talents. Without you, I would be nothing. In fact, I know that you can take back your generous gifts, at any moment. I will never forget what you have done for me.
Thank you Lord. Thanks for my sense of humor. I know it may seem like I developed my personality from my father, but I know that his playfulness did not shape my traits. It is you who blessed me with my joy for laughter. You have bestowed upon me a great bounty, and I will dedicate the rest of my life to serving you. I am nothing without you!
I would also like to thank you for allowing the Pittsburgh Steelers to defeat the pitiful New England Patsies. Please continue to allow Mr. Thomas Brady to finish his career on a downward spiral. May you punish his “bunch” for centuries to come! On that note Lord, I would like to ask a question. There is no man on earth, other than myself, who cares for you more than the great Tim Tebow. Why have you not allowed him to rule over the National Football League as he dominated college football? Other than me, he praises you more than any man alive. I am hoping that you are allowing Mr. Tebow to slowly progress into the greatest quarterback of all time! I look forward to witnessing his rise, while he continues to praise you!
I will end this letter with a request. Can you please punish all of the fake Christians who are obviously closet-pagans? They speak about how much they love you, but there they are, wearing costumes and celebrating the devil’s holiday. Halloween should be banned from the United States of America, but we have yet to elect a true Christian President. Please send these devil worshippers to Hell, so they can celebrate with their true master!
Many of your so called followers attempt to praise you by proclaiming, “God is good,” but I do not agree with their misleading declaration. I know you are much better than good; you are great!
Your loyal subject, Peter
P.S. Tell Kevin that Notre Dame SUCKS!!!
For those of you, who wish to donate money in order to help me spread the Lord’s word, please e-mail me and we’ll work out the details!