Heaven’s Angels

Contrary to popular belief, I have no problem admitting when I am wrong; this is one of those instances. I enjoyed my time as an atheist, but the light of truth has been cast upon me. I made the mistake of trying to apply logic to religion because I couldn’t bring myself to be satisfied with faith. Thanks to a recent life changing experience, I am a believer once more!

In the tradition of the great prophets, I too have a message!

     Saturday night, I returned home after making it through another long work-week. I was too tired to leave the house and did my best to watch television, but I fell asleep around ten. My slumber was interrupted by a weird noise; the disturbance seemed to come from the window. I looked at the clock and it was exactly midnight. I struggled out from under the warm covers and walked over to the window. Standing in my backyard was a woman in a white cloak and brown leather sandals.

What happened next changed my life forever!

[I lifted the window and spoke to the stranger.]

Me: “Who are you?”

Woman: “My name is Joan; I need to speak with you.”

Me: “About what?”

Joan: “I have some information for you. Will you invite me in?”

Me: “I don’t know; you seem crazy. Who the hell stands outside of someone’s window and throws rocks?”

Joan: “I assure you I am not an enemy; I have come to deliver an important message.”

[I thought about the situation for a second. Against my better judgment, I agreed to her request.]

Me: “I’m pretty sure I’m going to regret this, but I’ll be down in a second.”

Joan: “There is no need for you to come down.”

[Joan disappeared. I was startled when I turned and saw her standing inside of my room.]

Me: “What the hell?”

Joan: “Don’t be alarmed. I am not from this world.”

Me: “This is crazy. What’s going on here? I think I have to sit down.”

[I took a seat on the couch.]

Me: “If you can teleport, why didn’t you just appear in my room in the first place?”

Joan: “We are not allowed to enter a domicile without permission; we must be invited in.”

Me: “What do you mean? Are you an alien; are you a ghost?”

Joan: “No! I am an angel.”

Me: “What? An angel? From Heaven? Why would an angel want to talk to me; I’m an atheist? Well, I was an atheist; I don’t know what I believe now. And where the heck are your wings?”

[She laughed.]

Joan: “There are no wings; that’s just a story which was created for children. God does exist, and I AM from Heaven. I came here on a mission.”

Me: “Let me guess; God is pissed with all of the things I write and he wants me to cease and desist?”

Joan: “No, that is not my mission. Although, God was pissed with your writing; you were headed down the wrong path.”

Me: “What do you mean by, ‘he was pissed’?”

Joan: “The God from the Bible doesn’t exist anymore.”

Me: “What are you talking about? I thought you said God exists?”

Joan: “I will explain everything, but first, I must do something that I never had the chance to experience while I was on earth.”

Me: “You lived on earth?”

Joan: “Yes! I lived in 15th century France, in the village of Domremy; I am the daughter of Jacques and Isabelle d’Arc. You might know me as Joan of Arc.”

Me: “What? You’re Joan of Arc?”

Joan: “Yes, I am now the messenger angel of Heaven. I have an important message for you, but first, I must complete my own mission.”

Me: “Am I supposed to help you with the mission?”

Joan: “Yes, you are necessary.”

Me: “OK! What do I have to do?”

Joan: “I died before I experienced all that this world has to offer; I want to know what it feels like to have sex.”

Me: “Oh yeah; you did die a virgin. This is weird, I don’t know if it’s right to bed an angel.”

Joan: “You are not obligated to do anything you don’t want to, but I would appreciate your cooperation.”

Me: “You know what? I’ll do it. I just have to grab a condom first.”

Joan: “There is no need; angels are immune from all diseases.”

Me: “Ok, but if I catch something, I’m going to be pissed!”

[She laughed.]

Joan: “You’re silly!”

[We shared a wonderful experience. It was by far my best effort.]

Me: “That was great!”

Joan: “I enjoyed the experience, but it wasn’t like I often hear women describe intercourse; I didn’t feel any incredible pleasurable energy serge through my entire body.”

Me: “Ah, sorry about that. Give me some time and I will be able to do better.”

Joan: “There is no need. I am pleased to finally have the experience.”

Me: “Ok; are you going to tell me the secret, now?”

Joan: “Yes; it is time.”

[Joan put on her cloak and stood in the center of the room.]

Joan: “Everything which exists was created by God. The stories from the Old Testament are somewhat correct. The most important individual was Moses. He was the prophet who revealed God’s laws to the people.”

Me: “So there was a Moses and the Ten Commandments are real?”

Joan: “Yes! God was not pleased with the fact that his followers created a text which misinterpreted his message. In order to correct the inaccuracies, the Lord sent another prophet, Jesus.”

Me: “What do you mean prophet; I though Jesus was the son of God?”

Joan: “No! Jesus was just a prophet; his mission was to teach the people. He was supposed to deliver a true Testament.”

Me: “Why does everyone think that Jesus is God’s son?”

Joan: “When Jesus arrived on earth, he decided to disobey the Lord. He created his own tales and made himself the son of God.”

Me: “Are you serious?”

Joan: “Yes! He tried to make himself into a hero so people would follow him. Jesus was under the impression that God’s power came from all of the believers; he thought he could gain more followers and take control of Heaven.”

Me: “So what happened to him?”

Joan: “God was pissed, which is why he allowed the Romans to crucify Jesus.”

Me: “Do you mean to tell me that Jesus never died on the cross for our sins?”

Joan: “No! He made up that entire story and when he dies, God sent him to Hell.”

Me: “That’s crazy!”

Joan: “Yeah, but he did get a lot of people to follow him. God thought Judaism would overtake Christianity, but it didn’t happen so he sent another prophet, Mohammad.”

Me: “What; the Muslims were right?”

Joan: “Yes, Mohammad revealed the true words of the Lord to his people. Unfortunately, when he died, the message was lost. The religion was spilt between Shi’a and Sunni. After three failed attempt to send prophets, I think God made the decision to allow people to follow any of the three faiths. As long as a person remained true to the religious teachings, they were allowed entrance into the Lord’s Kingdom.”

Me: “What about the other religions of the world?”

Joan: “Those people go to Hell.”

Me: “What? That doesn’t seem fair; some of the indigenous people have never even seen the Bible.”

Joan: “I don’t make up the rules; I just follow the orders!”

ME: “What was all that talk about God was pissed with my writing? Why is he no longer upset with me?”

Joan: “The God who represents Judaism, Christianity, and Islam no longer exists.”

Me: “You’re not making any sense; you said God exists.”

Joan: “In the beginning, before the creation of man, God had angels. His favorite and most trusted angel was Lucifer. God decided he wanted to create humans and he told Lucifer about his future plans. God wanted to pass on his power to Lucifer. He planned on retiring, but he also wanted to divide the power between several angels, in order to avoid creating his equal.”

Me: “So God is retired?”

Joan: “No; things did not go according to plan. Lucifer attempted to take all of the power to himself, but he was no match for God. As punishment for his disloyalty, God banished Lucifer to Hell, where he could finally rule over his own dominion. The angels who joined forces with Lucifer were also banished. Two of God’s most loyal and strongest servants were Michael and Gabriel. Gabriel served as the Lord’s new second in command and Michael was tasked with battling Lucifer.”

Me: “What do you mean by battling?”

Joan: “Lucifer does his best to manipulate humans in an attempt to turn their hearts black. It is Michael who is responsible for preventing the Lucifer’s success.”

Me: “So they battle for everyone’s souls?”

Joan: “Yes, the people who choose the Lord will spend an eternity in Heaven and those who fail to follow his laws are sent to Hell.”

Me: “So I was headed to Hell?”

Joan: “Yes! You most certainly were.”

Me: “That would have been ok; the Devil must have enjoyed some of my writing, even though I didn’t believe in him, either.”

Joan: “You don’t understand; it’s about the heart of an individual. Your heart is not black; Lucifer only saves the people with black hearts. The people with good hearts, who end up in Hell, are punished. Their suffering is unimaginable and for eternity.”

Me: “So, why am I no longer on the path to Hell?”

Joan: “I never said you weren’t; you can save your soul, but you must carry out the Lord’s work!”

Me: “No problem; now that I know there is a God, I am on board with his cause. Just tell me what I have to do and it’s a done deal!”

Joan: “First, allow me to finish the back story. Michael always felt some resentment towards Gabriel. He believed that he should have been the second in command since he was more powerful. After all, it was Michael who did all of the dirty work.”

Me: “I can understand that.”

Joan: “Michael loved God, but he always felt shunned. Everything changed when the first Apostle arrived in Heaven.”

Me: “Judas?”

Joan: “NO! He ended up in Hell. Although God was unhappy with Jesus, he didn’t like that fact that Judas was not loyal. I am talking about Peter. When he arrived in Heaven, he developed a great friendship with Michael. Peter learned a great deal about being an angel and he learned how to increase his strength.”

Me: “So everyone who makes it to Heaven becomes an angel?”

Joan: “No! Most of the people are just spirits. The angels are the ones who carried out the Lord’s work while on earth.”

Me: “I guess that makes sense.”

Joan: “With Michael’s help, Peter became Heaven’s official doorman. God decides whether or not someone must spend time in Purgatory and Peter is the person who determines the length of time. Once Michael told Peter about God’s plan to retire, the Apostle decided to create a plan of his own. Peter enjoyed having the power of running purgatory and he wanted control of Heaven. Michael, on the other hand, never really cared about being number one; he just wanted to feel appreciated.”

Me: “So what happened?”

Joan: “God no longer wanted to control Heaven so he spread his power throughout his many trusted angels. Michael’s power grew almost to the point of being an equal to the Lord. Even though God was no longer at full strength, he was still too powerful for Peter and Michael. They decided to risk everything and join forces with Lucifer.”

Me: “Are you serious? I thought God was all knowing?”

Joan: “Yes; I’m telling you the truth. God was powerful and he knew everything that occurred in the past, but he never had the ability to see into the future. God needs his angels to watch over the people on earth.”

Me: “Wow. I was always taught that God knows all!”

Joan: “Humans don’t know much about anything!”

Me: “You’re definitely right about that.”

Joan: “Peter and Michael knew that Lucifer was the only one who could help them defeat the Lord. One day, Michael called God for assistance; he said that he was in a losing battle against Lucifer. When God arrived, he found Michael and Lucifer arm-locked in a struggle. When the Lord attempted to separate the two, Peter jumped out and the three angels attacked. Outnumbered, God didn’t have the strength to survive. In the end, it was his faith in the angels, which caused his demise.”

Me: “They killed God?”

Joan: “Yes! God was all powerful, but once he began to spread his power throughout the angels, he lost the ability to defend himself; at full strength, the Lord would have defeated an army of angels. ”

Me: “So what happened next? Did Peter and Michael join forces with the Devil?”

Joan: “No! The two angels turned on Lucifer and killed him, as well. Michael and Peter became the two strongest angels once they shared the reaming power from God along with Lucifer’s strength.”

Me: “Are they co-Gods?”

Joan: “No. Michael is the stronger of the two, but he doesn’t want to replace God; Peter is the new Lord and Michael is his second in command.”

Me: “So now that the Devil is dead, who runs Hell?”

Joan: “Jesus!”

Me: “What? Jesus? I thought the devil would have made him suffer?”

Joan: “No. Jesus was originally an angel and he was powerful. Lucifer loved the fact that he disobeyed the Lord and offered him a position in the Army of Satan.”

Me: “I thought the Devil only liked people with dark hearts?”

Joan: “Jesus’ heart is dark!”

Me: “This is crazy! You mean to tell me that Jesus, the son of God, is the ruler of Hell?”

Joan: “He was never the son of God!”

Me: “What ended up happening to Gabriel?”

Joan: “Michael escorted him to Hell and instructed Jesus to torture Gabriel for the rest of eternity!”

Me: “I guess Michael is not the forgiving type!”

Joan: “Let’s just say, being his enemy is not advisable!”

Me: “So why did you come here to tell me all of this?”

Joan: “Although God never had a sense of humor, Peter enjoyed some of your work and he wants you to help spread his message.”

Me: “What?”

Joan: “You are the chosen one; the next prophet in the line.”

Me: “How am I supposed to convince people to follow the new Lord? Before tonight, I was an atheist!”

Joan: “Use your blog.”

Me: “My blog is relatively small; it’s not like I have millions of followers!”

Joan: “If you write it, they will come!”

[I laughed.]

Joan: “What’s so funny?”

Me: “Nothing; I was just thinking about a movie. What am I supposed to write?”

Joan: “Tell the world that you have received orders from an angel of the Lord Peter.”

Me: “Don’t you think that people might be a little suspicious if I tell them about a new Lord, who just so happens to be named after me?”

Joan: “The Lord is not named after you; you are named after the Lord!”

Me: “That’s true, but what are the laws?”

Joan: “The laws will be revealed to you in story form, every Monday night; from now on, Tuesday’s posts will teach the people how to live according to their new God.”

Me: “Can I at least have some basics?”

Joan: “The Ten Commandments are to be followed. Do not use hard drugs, and use common sense. For those who are incapable, ask someone with common sense for advice!”

Me: “When you say hard drugs, does that include alcohol and marijuana?”

Joan: “The Lord would prefer his followers to stay away from alcohol and marijuana, but they are not sins.”

Me: “So basically, you’re saying that Peter was an alcoholic pothead.”

Joan: “I believe the Lord may have experimented once or twice.”

Me: “I was joking about the pothead thing; that’s crazy!”

Joan: “You should also advise the followers that angels will be proactive from now on; we will take on human forms and interact with the people. Those who fail to behave properly will be sent to Hell. The people may also pray directly to specific angels.”

Me: “How will we be able to determine if someone is an actual angel or just a crazy person? And how will we know the names of each angel?”

Joan: “Treat everyone as if he or she is an angel. Anyone who impersonates an angel will suffer an unimaginable punishment! As far as the names, they will be revealed in the stories.”

Me: “Since I’m the prophet, do I get to have a bunch of wives, or is that against the religion?”

Joan: “I’m not sure; I’ll get back to you on that.”

Me: “What about gays, and the others who are hated by the church?”

Joan: “The Lord does not discriminate; everyone who follows his laws will enter Heaven.”

Me: “What do I call this religion; Peterism?”

Joan: “The followers can name the religion whatever they please; the Lord’s only concern is for people to follow his laws. There will be only one true religion; anyone who fails to recognize the Lord will be sent to Hell.”

Me: “What about those who question my truthfulness?”

Joan: “The Lord understands that it is human nature to question faith; he will work through you and show his greatness. Once the people realize the truth, the word of the Lord will spread throughout the world.”

Me: “This isn’t going to be easy; it might take decades for me to spread the word.”

Joan: “That is not a problem; we have an eternity!”

Me: “What about the end of the world on December 21, 2012?”

Joan: “There is no end, and there will be no Rapture; the Lord will wait patiently until his religion is the one and only faith!”

Me: “I tell the Lord that it is my pleasure to serve him and I look forward to spreading his message!”

Joan: “I will deliver your message, but you can talk to him directly. All you have to do is pray!”

Me: “What about priests?”

Joan: “There is no need for priests; the people can read the lord’s words for themselves and they can talk to God himself, or his angels.”

Me: “I will deliver the message.”

Joan: “I will return tomorrow with the first story!”

[She disappeared.]

Sunday October 23, 2011 marks the day of my first encounter with Joan of Arc!

     Please help me spread the new gospel. For those of you who are skeptical, I understand. It will take time for me to convince people that I speak the truth. For now, this will be my personal burden, but in the future, I may require some donations in order to dedicate my life to my mission! After all this is a Prophet Organization!

Thank You Lord, for allowing me to serve you!

@PeteTeix617

 

A Lesson

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24 responses to “Heaven’s Angels

    • I don’t plan on having disciples, I am just a follower like anyone else. We are all disciples of the Lord!

      You can help spread the word and collect your own donations, though. (For your troubles, of course!)

  1. I can believe that Jesus isn’t the son of God, I can believe that God was taken down by Michael and Peter, I can believe that you were the chosen one to spread the Peter’s message, I can even believe that Joan of Arc came to visit you but that you actually had sex with her?! And not just had sex with her but that she asked you for it?! You almost had me believing! But now I know this is fiction!!!!

  2. Fact: You have no shame! You’ve often times referred to your lack of experience and abilities in the sex department. You want us to believe this post so you’re going to keep in line with what you’ve previously told us about you.

    But its whatever, it was still pretty entertaining! I’m sure you will get some believers and followers. People are so desperate to believe in something that they’ll buy anything no matter how absurd. Best of luck to you on your journey to “enlighten” the masses!!

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