Great Advice

Due to my recent change in work schedule I will keep this one short, simple, and funny. (I will also blame @Efidalgo12 who suggested we edit the movie script!)

Today, I found a hilarious tweet from ESPN’s Jamele Hill. She posted a newspaper column which actually made me COL! (Let’s get the chuckled out loud movement going!)

For all of the people who do not have perfect vision, I went the extra mile and retyped the text. You’re welcome! (Why people feel the need to use performance enhancers such as glasses or contacts, I have no idea!) I prefer to keep it real and use my god given visual talents!

Enjoy!

Why men shouldn’t write advice columns

     Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband in the house watching TV. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband’s help. When I got home, I couldn’t believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor’s daughter!

I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor’s daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past six months. He won’t go to counseling, and I’m afraid I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps,

John

–          Forwarded by Steve Sanderson,

Gilbert, S.C.

This letter is probably not real, but I found it to be quite amusing! (If this is what passes for an advice column, I would love to have that job!)

I thought about Sheila’s problem and I decided to write my own advice for her.

Dear Sheila,

I know you must feel as if your marriage is falling apart, but you have to realize that these things happen! I would say good luck but you are pretty much screwed; unless you believe in the “good lord.” In that case, your husband cheated for a reason. Keep faith in “god,” and everything will work out in the end! (The “lord” will not burden you with anything that you cannot handle!)

     Everything is so much easier for a believer!

I planned on ending the post, but it was earlier than I thought. I decided to search the net for some more content; here are three of the funnier “real” letters to advice columns.

You can check out the website for yourselves:

(http://vbulletin.thesite.org/showthread.php/48197-Funny-short-advice-column-letters.)

1. Dear Abby,

A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym

teacher, and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women

go everywhere together, and I’ve never seen a man go into their apartment or

come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

2. Dear Abby,

I have a man I never could trust. He cheats so much I’m not even sure this baby I’m carrying is his.

3. Dear Abby,

I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. Should I believe him?

**I hope these were enjoyable!**

     I am no advice columnist, but I would love the opportunity to answer a question from a reader. Who is brave enough to seek out my advice? (I would not recommend accepting this challenge!)

P.S. – Only real problems, please!

@PeteTeix617

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7 responses to “Great Advice

  1. Dear Wacky Pete,

    I am a thrill seeker, I raced cars on the highway doing 120mph. I raced motorcycles on the highway doing 180mph. Got now got to adventures to choose from, one is sky diving, the other…,”Leap of faith”, go and attend a Sunday mass. Which do you think has the most risk?

    Thanks, Cheno

    • Dear Cheno,

      In my line of work, we love challenging questions. Your past experiences as a thrill seeker leads me to believe the sky diving would be the next step in your death defying journey. Although you have conquered great feats, I don’t think humans should take the big “leap of faith.” Risking permanent brain damage is not worth the reward of “acceptance!”
      Sincerely,
      Wacky Pete

  2. I was seriously going to try and give you a problem for you to help me with but alas, I am blessed and problem free at the moment! But I’d still like to give you some problems to solve, let’s see your skills. Here are some scenarios:

    1. You meet someone that you really like but they have incredibly bad breath. Everything else about this person is absolutely perfect for you but their breath is horrendous. You offer the person gum/mint every time you’re together but that only slightly masks the problem. Do you stop seeing that person or bring up the problem?

    2. You’re running late to work and you take your dog for a walk and he takes a massive shit on the nice little old lady’s lawn who lives about a block down the street, you realize you ran out of doggie crap bags, you look around everywhere for a bag on the floor but don’t see any. Do you leave hurriedly hoping no one saw you or go back to your house and get a doggie bag to clean up the mess?

    3. You meet someon for the first time, you shake hands and realize that this person has incredibly clammy hands! Like so clammy that your hand is wet. Do you excuse yourself to go to the bathroom to wash your hands or do you discreetly whipe it off on your shirt?

    4. You’re at a restaurant and the waiter is extremely rude and incompetent to the point where its ruining your dining experience. Do you complain and risk the waiter spitting into your food or do you put up with it and just not tip?

    5. You are a broncos fan….no need to say more!

    Ok Wacky Pete, solve those “problems”

    • I wish we could all be as lucky as you. I have millions of problems, but instead of seeking help, I turn to te bottle!

      Dear Jess,

      Honesty is always the best approach. If you want to continue seeing this person, I’d suggest revealing the truth and helping him figure out the problem. If you don’t want to experience an awkward situation, you can suggest a “check-up date.” That’s one in which the two of you go to a dentist appointment together and you keep asking the dentist for tips on combating halitosis. Otherwise, you can keep cracking jokes until he gets the message! Good luck!

      There is a great responsibility that comes with being a pet owner. Picking up after your dog is extremely important. In this instance, I say, don’t worry because dog excrement is a natural fertilizer; the lawn will be fine. If this incident happened on a side walk, I’d say, find a way to clean up. (If you have to use your bare hands, so be it) Think of the person who is running late for work and steps in the crap! (We can’t be selfish and only worry about ourselves!)

      Clammy handshakes are never welcome. I suggest wiping your hands discretely, and then washing them thoroughly before eating. The person will most likely be aware of their situation; there is no need to make a big deal and cause them further embarrassment!

      Under no circumstance should you ever be rude to a waitor; it’s just not worth the risk. If somone is being rude to you, be a better example and show them how an individual is supposed to act. I believe ten percent of the meal is owed to the waitor regardless of behavior. After all, you did receive a meal. Add on as much as you want based on performance. (Great performance, great tip!)

      If you are a Denver Broncos fan, thank your lucky stars that Tim Tebow has arrived! Sit back, grab a beer, and enjoy the show! (The only cure for being a Patriots fan is suicide. The more dramatic, the better!)

      Thank you for your questions. I hope I was helpful!

      Sincerely,
      Wacky Pete

  3. Oh Wacky Pete, you have been tremendously helpful. Except not at all since these are by no means problems. But had these been concerns of mine the only advice I would’ve taken is the clammy hands one.

    I’ve been in scenario one but it was a first date so I had no problems ending it immediately…such a turn off! Scenario 2 hasn’t happened but almost did…as he was squatting I yanked on his leash so hard that he didn’t have a chance. No way will I ever ever pick up dog excrement with my hands! I always now check that I have enough bags. I’m the very best and most responsible dog owner in the world! Just ask my dog. In scenario 4, I asked for the bill early then I asked to speak to the manager and explained what happened. Of course, what we had already ordered was comped and then I left. I’m not going to be rude to a waiter but I’m not going to put up with that nonsense either. Scenario 5, I agree, only an insane amount of alcohol will cure the disappointment that broncos fan will face when Chowchow or whatever his name is doesn’t deliver. Patriots could lose all their games the rest of the season and I would never commit suicide because that would mean that I stopped supporting them and that will NEVER happen!

    While not helpful, your comments were entertaining!

    Thanks!

  4. Pingback: Second Chance Sunday {X} | Wacky Pete's Wicked & Wonderful Words of Wis-dumb

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