The Sports Effect

I can’t imagine a world without sports. There are good days and bad days for sports fans. Yesterday was a great day. The only thing that makes me happier than watching my favorite team win, is watching a hated rival lose. (I honestly think I hate the Patriots more than I like the Broncos!)

***THANK YOU BUFFALO BILLS!!!***

     I am lucky to be surrounded by a bunch of sports fanatics. Every single weekend is filled with text messages, Facebook updates, tweets, e-mails and phone calls. We also meet in person and torture one another. Sports are great, but without other sports-nuts, the victories and losses wouldn’t mean as much! (Thanks to all of the men and women, in my life, who love and support their teams! I truly love you guys!)

If you’re one of those people who believes sports aren’t necessary or “not that serious,” you’re missing out. The victorious highs and crushing lows are can only be understood by a true fan. Don’t be a person who doesn’t have a favorite team. Pick a squad to support and live and die with them. (There is no thrill in jumping from team to team. Fake fans sicken me!)

Being a Denver fan has been great, but a funny thing happened during my trip to the Giants game. (To learn about my history as a Broncos fan, read the post from August 23^rd, ‘A Bronco Life.’) Football fans know that my beloved Broncos lost to the New York Football Giants in Super bowl twenty one. It was a horrible day for me, but not big deal; the Broncos have won two Super Bowls since. The loss doesn’t come up anymore, but it’s funny how life unfolds.

Living in Boston, I have never had the desire to attend a Patriots’ game. The thought of being surrounded by sixty thousand screaming New England fans sounds like hell on earth. (I would much rather pay to have unprotected sex with a pro-life crack-whore prostitute and get her pregnant, than step foot inside Gillette Stadium during a Pat’s game!)

I have attended college games and I look forward to living in Gainesville for at least one Gators’ season, but Monday Night was my first NFL game. It was a great experience, which you can read about in September 27^th’s post, but there was one part of the festivities that ruined my night. As luck would have it, the Giants’ front office decided to wait until my first game to honor the team from Super Bowl XXI. I had to endure excruciating highlight after excruciating highlight from the game; reliving those painful memories was pure torture. They even had a halftime presentation with all of the Giants’ “greats!” It was almost as if the night’s events were planned to piss me off. (If there is a “god,” he is clearly not happy with me!) *There is no “god!”*

Witnessing your favorite team win a championship can have different effects. The Red Sox won in 2004 and 2007. I love the team but I am content; I can go another decade without a championship. It’s weird, I don’t even hate the Yankees as much as I used to. Don’t get me wrong, I still hate the Yankees. (I’ll always hate the Yankees!)

I am also content with the Denver Broncos. They won back to back Super Bowls and I can always relive the glory days. If they have a few bad years, the franchise has earned it. I believe the great John Elway will construct a winning team. (I guess watching the Patsies choke year after year fulfills my NFL needs!)

The Gators, on the other hand, are a completely different story. I have no patience with them. I literally need the team to win every year. The Gators won in 1996, 2006 and 2008, but I want many more National Titles.  (This year looks like a championship year!) If we lose to Alabama on Saturday, I will be super depressed. I will take out all of my anger on “god.” I am dead serious. If the Crimson Tide upset the Gators this week, Monday’s post will be a scathing letter in which I blame “god” for the loss and ask him “Why do you hate me?” (I guess if you like “god,” you should root for the Gators to win!)

There are fans for who sports is a way of life; they are even more serious than I am. Statistics show that the day following Super Bowl Sunday has the highest number of spousal abuse incidents. In no way am I condoning such behavior, I am merely stating a fact. (Men don’t like to watch their teams lose the Super Bowl!) *Let the record show; I have suffered through three Super Bowl losses with the Broncos and have never laid hands on a woman!*

The Tobin Bridge is where you will be able to watch thousands of Red Sox fans commit suicide if they don’t make the playoffs this year. I was prepared to jump in 2004 but, thankfully, the team rallied and shocked the world. (Don’t forget, the Boston Herald labeled the 2011 team, “Boston’s best ever.” Talk about high expectations, it was April and they hadn’t even won a game yet!)

Patriots’ fans can be seen jumping from the Tobin Bridge in either late December or early January. I’ll be there with my camcorder to record the Patsy faithful, jumping to their respective deaths! (**Spoiler alert** If you like people jumping from bridges, check back tomorrow for my post on bullying and suicide!)

My Sunday was already great. The Gators destroyed Kentucky, Miami lost to lowly K-State, and Florida State lost to Clemson. The Broncos lost, but I was pleased with the way the team played. Realistically, we have no business competing; star players Champ Bailey, DJ Williams, Elvis Dumervil, Eddie Royal, and Knowshon Moreno didn’t play. The Patsies jumped out to a big lead, only to choke on the big-fat-one and allow the Bills to come back and win. Thanks to Jacoby Ellsbury’s three-run homer in the 14^th inning, the Sox beat the Yankees! (We all love that dirty water!)

In most sports, Big losses can ruin a person’s day. But one big loss in college football can ruin a season. Teams that lose twice can kiss the year good-bye! (Suicide-watch warning: If you know any Miami or FSU fans, please keep a close eye on them!) The only remedy for a loss is a win, unless the team loses in historic fashion like the Patsies did yesterday; those losses can last a lifetime. For all of my Facebook friends and Twitter followers, I have changed my picture; the photo is of my new hero; Bills’ kicker Rian Lindell. Just in case you are having a great day, I’ll be posting random bullshit comments, just to keep the kicker’s image fresh in your heads. ENJOY!!! (Don’t be a coward and block me!)

Being a diehard fan is serious business. True fans care for their teams like people care for their dogs. Well, normal people not Michael Vick! Guys will actually turn down sex for sports. Here is a tip for any lady who wants to know how much her boyfriend cares for her. Find out when his favorite team has a big game, and surprise him with plans for some girly date. If he misses the game for you, keep him! (A word of caution: this can be a wonderful relationship strengthening experience, but it can also be very revealing; he may not be that into you. GOOD LUCK!) It’s important to remember, there will always be another girl but there is only one favorite team! (I wouldn’t miss a big Gators game for anything, not even a close family members’ funeral; the cemetery isn’t going anywhere!)

**Please be courteous and schedule personal celebrations around big sporting events. Saturdays and Sundays, during football season, will only ensure that most guys will not show up! If your birthday or anniversary falls on the night of a big game, tough shit; either incorporate the sporting event into the theme of the party, or celebrate the following day! Don’t be selfish and inconsiderate!**

My love of sports is one of the reasons I don’t want children. If I had to miss a big Gators’ game because my kid had to be rushed to the hospital or any other insignificant reason, I would lose my mind. I’m sure children are wonderful, but I haven’t met a kid yet who is worth missing a big game for. I’m not saying I wouldn’t miss a game against Vanderbilt, but when it comes to the tough rivalry games, I just can’t do it. (I am way too selfish to have a child!)

I am also too selfish to be in a relationship. I think I could only be happy with a woman who loves college football. She would be the only one who could understand the way I feel. HMMM, I think I just stumbled upon a great business idea.

**Sportsfandating.com**

     The site will be great. People of all ages and sexual preferences will be able to meet others who have an interest in the same sports as they do. Each profile will display the individuals’ level of fanaticism. People can match up with a person who loves sports exactly the same amount as they do. (I honestly think this is a great idea. If anyone reads this and actually creates the site, I want a ten percent creator’s fee! It’s only fair!)

Never mind! The Domain name is already taken and I just Googled “dating for sports fans;” I happened upon an existing site; mustlovesports.com. My profile is going up as soon as I am done with this post! (I know she is out there!)

Special thanks to the Bills and GO GATORS!!!

@PeteTeix617