This Actually Happened – September 17th, 2011

How (NOT) To Bag

The point of every Saturday’s ‘This Actually Happened’ post is to give me a day off from writing; I usually write one quick paragraph explaining an actual event. This week will be a little different, due to a hysterical event that recently happened on Facebook. For this post, I will dedicate the same attention to detail as I would any regular weekday post.

Here is an example of what a man should never, never, ever do! (Never, never, ever!)

***Nothing has been added or embellished because the actual events are amazing enough!***

     Although I will not add any of my own details, in order to protect the innocent, I will change the names of the characters. I will also change some details of back story, to further hide the identity of the love struck aspiring paramour. (The back story itself will not change.) I believe the back story is important to the overall enjoyment of the incident. The city has also been changed, along with the occupation of the main character. (Ok, if you figure out who it is, it’s not my fault…I’ve taken all of the necessary precautions.)

In honor of the college football season, I will replace the names with personalities from ESPN’s College Game Day.

Desmond Howard will play the role of the guy attempting to bag. (I chose him because he is a Michigan guy and I dislike the team. GO GATORS!)

     Erin Andrews will play the role of the desired woman. (Not only is she hot, but she is a Florida Gator!)

     Kirk Herbstreit will play the role of Erin’s brother.

     Lee Corso will play the role of Erin’s son.

     Bristol, Connecticut, the home of ESPN, will replace the actual location.

 

    The back story: It is important for Kirk to buy tailored suits. He found a great place in Bristol and buys a new suit every week. There are several employees at the store and over the years, they have become close friends of Kirk’s; these guys have been to his house. Erin decides that her son Lee should start wearing suits as well; she begins to frequent the store. Unbeknownst to Erin, Desmond, one of the tailors, has a massive crush on her. Every time she walks into the store, Desmond wants to reveal his true feelings but he is unable to find the courage.

I am an outsider in this tale so I am not privy to all of the details, so I can only write what I know. I don’t know how often Erin visits the shop with Lee.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED:

Instead of being a man and revealing his true feelings in an appropriate manner, Desmond chose a different approach; he used Facebook.

I received a text a few days ago, which is how I learned about the incident. Apparently, Desmond thought it was a good idea to send Erin a message on Facebook. That’s not so bad, except for the location of the message. It wasn’t in her inbox, but posted in the comment section of one of her pictures. That’s right, in the public for everyone to view.

The text I received only gave me the exact location of the picture; I had no idea what to expect. I shit you not! Here is the actual comment; ENJOY! (I copied and pasted all of the comments…what you see, is exactly what I saw!)

**I just checked the comment real quick to see what time it was posted, hoping that it was at some late hour in which a person would be drunk. No such luck for Desmond, the blog post-inspiring comment was posted at 8:54pm; that’s a sober hour. Let me also add that the post was written on September 11th. I guess this will be Desmond’s own, tragic, 9-11.**

     Desmond: I dont want to be disrespectful to Kirk…..but this I weighing on my heart…Erin…i never do this…but you are so beautiful ..and I try to stay professional when I deal with you …its hard but….yu r so well put together …and very positive…i would break all rules just to be in your top 5 of prospects…and if this out of line..im sorry

I couldn’t make this up if I tried. WHAT THE FUCK! (Who the hell asks to be in someone’s top five prospects. WHAT THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? AND…WHAT RULES IS HE PLANNING ON BREAKING?)

***Never buy the book LOVE LETTER WRITING FOR DUMMIES!***

 

Here are the comments which followed:

Female 1: Lmao… I so agree with you Mr. Desmond .. Erin is very well put together… Not only are her looks flawless but her life style… I look up 2 her.. She is an amazing Godsister… We all love her .. Can’t say much bout her love life but there’s a lot of men in line so can you please jus reply to all my questions .. Thanks in advance

 

Height

Weight

What you drive?

Do u own ya house?

Do you have ya own cell phone?

Kids?

Occupation?

Salary? Lol

 

Kidding… Have a great day!! 🙂

(hope u really answer) lol

Female 2: Omg that’s so popping of him. I really hope she reviews ur app and gets back to u with positive feed back good luck Desmond Erin is def a good catch

Female 3: Well put Desmond… Erin is an Amazing Lady. Any guy would be happy to have her as a partner in life.

Female 4: That was so sweet Desmond. More men should be more like u.

Lol Female 1

Female 5: ‎:) D.D.G. kill ’em Erin!

Female 6: You go girl! Um….can I borrow that dress? Lol! Jk…..

Female 6: Oh & the shoes are H.O.T.!!!

Erin: Thanks for the compliment Desmond. Wow!! Really on FB??

Male 1: u stay killin em’ mami….(yep)

 

     [I wanted to give Desmond the benefit of the doubt. I was certain this was the action of a drunken man, but he proved me wrong; there was another sober post.]

 

Desmond: I really thougt it was beetween you and I….didnt mean to grandstand…..but when your in my presence sometimes I get tongue tied…….but it wont happen again

Erin: Is this REALLY happening?????????????????? Someone pinch me

Female 1: Soon you’ll realize that there’s no such thing as “between you & I ” when it comes to (The family name was deleted to protect the innocent.) nevermind Facebook… Sorry.. (kidding) Our fault, we shlda backed off but she’s def a winner…. Lol

Female 7: Awwww how sweet… She is amazing so only a King deserves her!

Peter Teixeira: This is the best way to guarantee rejection and a lifetime of being clowned. Don’t encourage this type of behavior, ladies. Kings do not do this–stalkers do! Erin, RUN!

Erin: Lmao Peter!! Strapping on the Nikes!!!!

Male 2: Preparing all my jokes now, Peter don’t bust a Desmond ever eva eva (Andre 3000 voice) @Female 1 u r da biggest asshole I kno but Female 2 is catching up fast….lmaO

Female 4: Lol

Female 2: Oh shit

I was asked to add my two cents. I obliged even though I do not know Desmond. This is probably one of those incidents in which Desmond will read my comment and think that I was hating on him. Sorry buddy, but you hated on yourself with this one.

I do give Desmond credit for having the courage to approach the object of his desires, but everything about this approach is wrong.

This is the perfect way to let a female know how you feel about her, IF YOU ARE A TWELVE YEAR-OLD BOY! (Desmond is a grown ass man!) Not only did Desmond destroy any opportunity to actually “bag” Erin, but he probably lost a valued customer. I doubt she’ll feel comfortable enough to continue buying suits, for Lee, from Desmond.

I’m sure there will be those who will say, “You are being too hard on the guy.” I disagree. It takes great courage to do what Desmond did, but at the same time, he has to realize that there are consequences for any public proclamations of love. (This is real life, not the movies!) There is always the chance that some asshole will see your mistake and create a blog post from it. THANKS DESMOND!

     ***By the way, you’re welcome. I didn’t need to keep your true identity a secret; I did that out of the kindness of my heart!*** 

 

Honestly Desmond, you would have been better-off going with the old staple; pictured below.

 

 

Living in reality is always the key. We all do dumb things…Just don’t put it on Facebook for all to see!

[THE END]

     I look forward to watching the Gators destroy Tennessee!

Good luck to the boxers tonight—I hope they put on a show!

Remember to check back tomorrow for next week’s preview!

@PeteTeix617