Drunk Texts

Cell phones provide us with a great luxury. No longer do we have to suffer the inconvenience of calling someone’s house and having to speak to a parent. (We don’t have to lie about our true identities when a parent picks up the receiver and asks “Who is this?” Sometimes I would freeze up and say my own name by mistake! These calls were always comedy!) Smart phones have changed the game completely. It’s almost scary what those devices are capable of!

There is a downside to having a cell phone…THE DRUNK-TEXT! (Everyone should write their service providers a thank you note for unlimited texts. Imagine actually being charged because some drunkard sent a drunk-text…Oh thee humanity!)

“Why are you writing this entry?” Because I am sick and tired of hearing people talk about how great they are because some drunken idiot sent them a drunk-text. (Drunk-texts are no sign of affection, and the recipients are definitely not special!)

Men and women of all sexual preferences are guilty of the unfortunate act of drunk-texting. For the purpose of this post, I will only focus on the idiotic-texts from men to women, because I am most familiar with these incidents.

The drunk-text usually occurs sometime between midnight and 3AM. (These are Boston based hours, due to the fact that our “establishments-of-fun” close at 2AM!) “Why do men do it?” There are several reasons.

Usually the guy has had too much to drink and he loses his ability to make rational decisions. He has a carnal desire to fulfill, and nothing will stop him from satisfying his natural urges. (Men who send out drunk-texts are usually covering all their bases. The texts may be sent out to several women in succession. The bolder, lazy, guys have been known to send out group texts!)

Drunk-texts are usually not a sign of affection or respect. The man is inebriated and before sending the texts, he will usually say something to the effect of, “Let me see which one of these sluts will let me smash tonight!” (Doesn’t that fact make ladies feel special?)

First, let’s deal with a drunk-text to a girlfriend. These usually occur later than most other drunk-texts. There are good guys and bad guys.

  1. The good boyfriend: He is faithful to his girlfriend and is out with the guys. Most likely, he spent the entire night watching his friends having a blast with the young damsels at the bar or club. He is ready to go home and be with his girl. These drunk-texts are innocent and probably flattering to the girlfriend, because her guy remained faithful and thought of her as soon as he exited the venue. These calls usually occur at 2:06AM, and the guy dreads every second that he is away from his loved one. (These are extremely rare occurrences!)
  2. The bad boyfriend: He is also out with the guys. He definitely enjoyed the young ladies, and most likely propositioned several of them for a good night. He failed to find a willing partner, but he continues to seek out a slut. This boyfriend will usually call his girlfriend closer to 3AM. He will be in the car, on the way home, and dejected. He sends a text to his girlfriend as a last minute effort to “release his frustration!” The drunk-text will usually read something like, “Are you up, I was thinking about you all night?” (Classic, and classy!) *This tactic usually backfires, because the girlfriend is either sleeping with someone else who pays more attention to her, or she is asleep. This is a typical case of giving up the “fo-sho shit,” for “some-mo shit!” It’s always a gamble!*


Now we will deal with the single guys.

  1. The single player: He has several phone numbers, mostly from girls who he met while out with the guys. His main objective was to seal-the-deal that night, but he settled for the whore’s number. (No, I am not suggesting that every woman who hands out her number to a guy at a bar or club is a whore!) He has no plan of ever contacting the girl and barely remembers that he has her number. While out with the guys, he will usually send out two or three drunk-texts per hour. His goal is to line up as many options as possible in order to guarantee a successful night. The first dibs doesn’t go to the first girl who replies. Any random whore, who is at his current location, will clearly be the first option for the night. As far as the women who received the texts, the first dibs goes to the one who he has slept with the fewest number of times. If there is a tie, he will choose the one who is hotter! (How special it must feel to receive a drunk-text!) The texts are usually met with the typical female responses. “Who are you?” “How come you never called me?” “Why do you only text me late at night?” (Unless the girl has no self-esteem. Those women will answer with some jubilant expression which will easily be decoded as, “Thank you for calling, I’ll do whatever you want!”) *I’m not religious, but “god” bless those young ladies!*
  2. Single nice guy: He is usually not into sending out drunk-texts, but who is? He may have several numbers in his phone, but he will only send out drunk-texts to the sluttier women, who he has no intentions of entering into a real relationship with. (He would never jeopardize something that could be real by sending a “good” girl one of the drunk-texts! {Unless of course, he is completely destroyed! That’s what we in the business call “de-steroid!”})

These aren’t the only example of men, but I’m sure people are starting to get the picture here. Drunk-texts are not sent out by guys who are “sweating” a girl! In fact, it’s the complete opposite; these men consider the recipients of the drunk-texts to be in the lowest echelon. They have no intentions of ever contacting the girl, while sober, but in their drunken stupor, they lose the ability to make smart decisions and think with the wrong head!

I don’t want people to get the wrong impression. Every woman who receives a drunk-text is not considered a whore in the sender’s eye. If a guy approaches you, or contacts you in his sober state, then the drunk-texts can be considered his way of speeding along the proceedings. He is probably tired of the wait and decides to go for broke. Yes, he may ruin any chance of ever sleeping with the girl, but he doesn’t care; it’s now or never at that point! (Clearly, I am talking about men who have yet to bed the young lasses. If you receive a drunk-text from a guy you already slept with, consider it a written booty-call and nothing more!)

There are men out there who wake up after a night of heavy drinking and they are filled with a sense of horror when they discover the idiotic texts from the previous night. I have a complete opposite reaction; I find drunk-texts to be truly hilarious. (The responses are even better!)

There are also a different category of drunk-texts. Those are the ones from an ex-lover. There are clearly some feelings which remain and the alcohol has a way of bringing them out. (Before you start to believe that an ex is deeply in love with you, you also have to understand that there may be a friend with him who says, “You can’t bang your ex!” In that instance, the drunk-text is merely an answer to a challenge!) ***Special, right?***

There are many selfish people who take advantage of the naïve. Everyone should develop a thick-skin and be safe out there. (STDs are no Joke…even though I often joke about STDs on twitter!)

****Yes, if I had an STD, I would still joke about them!*****

     Drunk-texts may be a nuisance, but there are the good days. Those are the ones in which a guy wakes up out of a drunken stupor, checks his phone, and says, “Thank goodness; no texts!” (Obviously, every guy is not the same…there are good guys out there, but those guys are probably not out there sending drunken texts!)

I’ve been really good about not sending out drunk-texts for the past couple years, but I did have a recent slip up. I was basically in a coma and these things happen! It was hilarious to me, because I truly don’t care! People can feel free to believe whatever they want but, at the end of the day, it’s just a drunken act! (The truth is; Johnnie Walker does whatever he wants!)

Drunk-texts are difficult to decipher, but for the most part, they are a true slap in the face to any female recipient. It’s basically the guy saying, “I’m about to fuck this slut!” Ladies, the next time you brag about how much a guy is “sweating you” because of a drunk-text, remember that you may simply just be a willing slut in his eye! The best response to a drunk- text is to ignore them completely. The responses only add to the humor when we tell the “You won’t believe who I sent a drunk-text to last night” stories!

***Although drunk-texts are nothing to brag about, if you slept with a guy and he never sent you a drunk-text; you probably didn’t mean a lot to him. (How unfortunate!)***

Before any guy gets upset and cries because I am “Betraying the man code,” let me say one thing…FUCK YOUR CODE! Game cannot be stopped! Don’t worry about what others are doing, to hate on you…my blog is about speaking the truth, and I will write as I please. Remember, anything I write can and will be used against me! I just don’t worry about those types of things! (It’s probably because the only person, who truly matters, loves me…ME!)

Ladies, enjoy the drunk-texts…Just remember that you’re not as special as you may believe. (Except for you…your situation is different, you have a good guy!) Excuse me for a second, I’m not laughing at you, a funny thought just crossed my mind!



Published by Peter Teixeira

First and foremost, I enjoy writing stories. I recently completed my first novel, and I successfully co-wrote a short film script, which won the grand prize in the words made easy competition.

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  1. Haha! Great read with my morning coffee. Lately I’m reading ur blog in the morning rather then the news paper. (looking at the time, 6:30am. Whew, this is not a drunk comment). Wait, not ever text around midnight to 3am is a drunk text. On many occasions when I was single of course, I don’t do clubbing or bars, but I started texting at these hours, let’s call it “Reverse drunk texting”. Merely seeking out the drunk girls that didn’t get picked up, and I didn’t spend a dime.

  2. Wow…lol. I love your relationship blogs, you might be onto something (future relationship therapist???). Everytime you right relationship advice you mention that guys are most likely pissed that you’re “helping” the women but don’t guys want women with self-respect and a head on their shoulders??? If so there shouldn’t be a problem if a female who reads your blog heeds to your advice. I like reading the male perspective on things. Appreciate it! Btw if any one cares i’m pissed right now because we haven’t had power since Sunday!

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