Not My Fantasy

Most people are familiar with the typical guy fantasy. I believe the French call it a menage a trois! (Wait! isn’t it lez incompetent? No that’s from Home Alone!) Well, let me use the term threesome to be safe. (Not that threesomes are safe!) I have added a twist to my fantasy threesome; the girls are Gators fans!

I was shocked to learn that a major change has occurred. The typical male fantasy is completely different! The new standard, for “What guys want,” is now fantasy football! (I have come to accept the fact that I am no longer a “typical guy!”)

“What is fantasy football?” It’s pretty simple. A group of individuals (Usually fans of teams that suck!) join a league and compete against each other. (These fans know that their respective teams have a snowball’s chance in hell of winning the Super Bowl, so they play fantasy football in hopes of becoming a champion; truly pathetic if you ask me!) Some leagues are free to join and the victor wins the right to brag. Other leagues offer a monetary prize to the winner, who also walks away with bragging rights; there is a fee to join. (This is illegal of course!)

“I get that, but how does it work?” The league starts off with a draft. Prior to the beginning of the NFL season, each group will assemble, either in person or online and hold a draft. Each individual will select players from the different NFL teams. When all of the fantasy quads are filled, the team owners can make trades with their competitors. There is a commissioner who sets all of the rules and regulations. Usually, the commissioner is the person who won the championship during the previous season. (This is the individual who gains the respect of eleven or so other people, but in the grand scheme of life, the person remains a zero!)

Each player accumulates points, by either the number of yards gained during a game, number of catches, touchdowns, etc. The different leagues have their own points systems. There may be a point awarded for every ten yards gained, six points for touchdowns, etc. Each team is comprised of starters and backups. Some leagues select team defenses and some even award points for individual defensive players. Before the real NFL games are played each week, competitors must finalize their rosters. This is where strategy plays a significant role. Team owners must factor in, who the opponents are for each player in order to decide who to activate. Each week, the team owners play against a different opponent and the one’s with the best regular season record, advance to the playoffs.

Fantasy football is basically a great way for fans, who obviously know much more than the real NFL team executives, to experience being general managers. This all sounds wonderful, especially for those who love football, but fantasy football is not for me! There are special fantasy football telecasts which help owners decide who the next big stars will be. There are magazines and websites with more information about individual players; it literally takes some serious preparation to decide who the top draft picks should be! (It seems like the preparation time leading up to a fantasy season could be used for something more productive, like double checking the thread count on each of your bed sheets to ensure that you received exactly what you paid for!)

To me, Fantasy Football is basically an oxymoron. Football involves a bunch of men being physical with one another for sixty minutes of game clock. That is the exact opposite of a fantasy for me. (The name should be changed to General Manager Dreams!) A fantasy should involve one or more vaginas! But I guess, to each his own! (Sorry if I’m being too frank!)

“That’s a silly reason to not participate!” You are absolutely right!

I refuse to participate in fantasy because I hate what it does to fans. Fantasy makes it impossible to figure out where each fan’s loyalty lies. I can remember the good old days when people liked their teams and hated the rivals. Those days are over. Fantasy has changed the way fans watch football. On any given Sunday, you may find a Dallas Cowboys’ fan cheering for their hated rivals the Philadelphia Eagles, because “I need Michael Vick to give me some big points!” (It’s sickening really!) I can’t tell you how many times I sat in front of the television and listened to fans cheer for players who they swore they hated. How can you talk about hating Tom Brady, then turn around and try to justify drafting him in your fantasy league? My grandfather would roll over in his grave if he heard me say, “I need Brady to have a big game!” (The example was used for entertainment purposes only! My grandfather didn’t give two shits about football!)

In my last post, I made it perfectly clear that I am a Denver Broncos fan. I don’t support any other player in the league, and I definitely don’t support any other team. I don’t even support former players from the University of Florida. I love the Gators, but I can’t cheer for a player who attempts to defeat my Broncos! (Once the players go to the NFL, I can give two shits about them!)

I respect everyone’s right to live their lives however they see fit. It doesn’t bother me one bit if your fantasy includes Tom Brady, Peyton Manning, Adrian Peterson, and Larry Fitzgerald. I just look at things from a different perspective. When I think fantasy, I’m drafting people who fill different criteria. There are no sub four-second forty yard dash sprinters, no plus twenty five reps of two hundred and twenty-five pounds, no vertical leapers surpassing forty inches, and absolutely no shuttle run champions! My draftees wouldn’t gain me any points in your leagues, but they fulfill all of my needs! My draftees bleed Orange and Blue like me, they are curvaceous, they are women who like women, and I’m not talking about beers when I say they can fill up a cup or two! (Pun shamelessly intended!)

In my opinion, fantasy represents everything that is wrong with football. There is no more loyalty. I waited a decade to finally witness my Denver Broncos win the Super Bowl, but today’s fan is more content to pick players from all the teams and become a supporter. You can attempt to fool me but I know why you play fantasy. Your team sucks and you have a desire to be a winner. I am thankful that the fantasy season ends before the Super Bowl; I wouldn’t be able to take people celebrating false championships. Sit your dumbass down! I don’t care if Aaron Rogers is on your fantasy team, you are a Vikings fan! (Rogers plays for the Green Bay Packers. (The Vikings are the Packers’ biggest rivals!)

Fantasy football ruins the sport and makes Sundays annoying! Dude, I get it—Chris Johnson is in your fantasy! Just be sure and keep your pants on while I try to enjoy the game!

No, I will not join your STUPID fantasy league! My team is the Denver Broncos, and that’s good enough for me!


Published by Peter Teixeira

First and foremost, I enjoy writing stories. I recently completed my first novel, and I successfully co-wrote a short film script, which won the grand prize in the words made easy competition.

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  1. Peter, since I already fulfilled the Fantasy “Menage a trois!” (easily done, buy a motorcycle, go to “Black Bike Week, Myrtle Beach, SC)

    On fantasy football it’s competition. Who doesn’t love playing games–especially when they’re winning?
    A lot of players really enjoy the strategy involved in creating a well-balanced team and the consequences every move has. It’s brain exercise some people play board games or do crossword puzzles. Fantasy football is another way to keep your mind sharp.

    1. Congrats on the menage! (Or should I say. You are a filthy and digusting person. Sex is to be shared between two people who are in love.) **WINK**

      Keeping the mind sharp is no reason to ruin football. There are plenty of ways to challenge yourself without ruining America’s favorite sport. Football is great and there is no need for fantasy. I think fantasy is one of the reasons I prefer my football on Saturdays!

  2. I do agree, fantasy reduces the players to statistics and it becomes a individual game *shrugs*. But the players make money regardless if fantasy football is played or not. So why not (illegally) get money in return for my victory (3yrs in a row).

  3. I don’t like football squares. On square your rooting for the whole team, fantasy its individual only. The team could lose, but the player can help ur fantasy team.

  4. you can always draft players from denver. of course your team will suck just like the broncos but at least you’ll be able to hold your head high. GO PATS!

      1. I’m looking forward to what you’ll write after the game…. Prob will start something like this ” why my team just got blown out!”

  5. Well when I draft I don’t take any Patriots. One year I broke my rule and drafted Tom Brady after he threw for 50 tds. And of course he goes out and gets injured in the first quarter. I took it as a slap from the football gods cause I have always hated the pats and Tom Brady

    1. You definitely can’t pick up one of the Patsies! Football gods don’t like that! I think it would be better if people could only pick players from their teams and four other non-rivals. That would make more sense!

  6. i think you hate playing cause you don’t want to have two losing team in one season. i drafted my boy the denver broncos quarterback klye orton lol its all in fun and believe me we hate drafting anybody thats not from our team (PATRIOTS ALL DAY) NUMBER 2 PICK OF THE DRAFT BY TEAM I AM THE FUTURE(JOHN VIEIRA) TOM BRADY this is my year lol

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