Rapper (Not Really)

I was looking through an old folder and I came across an interesting document. It was a rap, written by me while I was at Seton Hall University. For those who don’t know, I’m a beast in ball! (Go ahead ladies, “Every guy says that!”)

Uncovering the rap, gave me the idea to change things up. I already posted an entry for ‘This Actually Happened’ earlier in the week, so the decision has been made to post my song.

While I was on Campus, I won the intramurals championship! (I’m pretty sure I mentioned this fact in a previous post, but I don’t mind writing it once more!) I had an unstoppable crossover and it was in need of a name. (By the way, I have several victims who suffered broken ankles. [Not literally broken. I am talking about making someone fall!])

I eventually decided to call my CROSSover, THE CRUCIFIXION! This is an example of how I believed in “god,” but not the bible.

Here is the unedited rap: (I wanted to add to it, but here is the original version I wrote!)


First Verse

I’ma kick a flow,

Explain some shit to you.

I ain’t bullshittin’,

Yo! This shit is true.

You read the Bible,

Heard Christ died on the cross.


Kid that story was false.

No romans, no nails,

And no blood was drawn.

I’ll explain the truth,

Let’s take a trip C’mon.

Chorus: (2x)


Jesus died on the cross,

Yeah he too was caught.

It wasn’t Pilot,

It was Pete Teix’s fault!

Verse Two

It was a long time ago,

In little Bethlehem.

I was dribbling the ball,

When I stepped to him.

Some said he was the greatest,

Even better than me.

John and Mary had his back,

Even Pete.

They all had his back,

And thought he was the best.

They also heard of me,

And how I did the rest.

Confusion set their,

Not knowing whose side to choose.

Finally went to him,

No way that he could lose.

The game was set,

Seven thirty that night.

I was to win the bet,

Cause my cross was tight.

Tighter than the tightest virgin,

On her first night.

His ankles were mine,

I’d take him left then right.

Chorus: (2x)


Jesus died on the cross,

Yeah he too was caught.

It wasn’t Pilot,

It was Pete Teix’s fault!

Verse Three

Listen to how he died,

This shit was gruesome.

It’ll happen to you,

Cause the move is ill son.

The crucifixion is its name,

I created it.

It ain’t no fucking game,

You should be afraid of it.

It was seven thrity,

I was ready to ball.

Talking to friends,

Guaranteeing he’d fall.

It was his home court,

So he took the ball first.

He drove down the lane,

Some bullshit reverse.

This move was garbage,

To me a sin.

It was no surprise,

When the crowd OO’d My pin.

I had to clear the ball,

So I took it back.

I drove and made a call,

It was a vicious hack.

The crowd wanted action,

So I checked the ball.

Winked to my peeps,

Let ‘em know it was time to fall.

I crossed left, crossed right,

Heard him beg, Oh please!

The crowd didn’t believe the sight,

He fell to his hands and knees.

In agony he screamed out,

Through his mandible.

It was at that time,

I noticed the broken ankle yo!

Blood gushed on the floor,

Bones snapped in two.

It was then that I realized,

I killed this dude.

People call me asshole,

in disgust.

The reason is,

I shit on ballers so much!

Chorus: (2x)


Jesus died on the cross,

Yeah he too was caught.

It wasn’t Pilot,

It was Pete Teix’s fault!


     I didn’t post this rap in order to display my rapping ability, or lack there of. I wanted people to see that my beliefs are not new. This rap was written sometime between 1999 or 2000. I have a friend who is really religious and I e-mailed this rap to him…”You’re going to hell!”


Keep an eye out for the release of my rap album! SUMMER 2065!!!

One of my favorite hobbies is taking a song and creating a different version. (I will create a new one and post it fairly soon.) A memorable one was the remake of Nas’ I Gave You Power, from his second album It Was Written. In the song, Nas rapped from the perspective of a gun. In high school, we were always busting each others balls, and being gay was a negative thing so I wrote a version in which my friend was Gay. It was written from the perspective of his penis, which was extremely pissed at him for turning down women.

Due to the fact that I didn’t post a new episode of ‘This Actually Happened,’ I will post one tomorrow along with the week’s preview.


Published by Peter Teixeira

First and foremost, I enjoy writing stories. I recently completed my first novel, and I successfully co-wrote a short film script, which won the grand prize in the words made easy competition.

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  1. Hahahaha!!! This is one of the funniest posts and Im comparing that to Virgin Birth, which I thought was hysterical! Peter, please I beg you, can I hear you rap this in person? PLEASE!!!! I’m a loyal supporter of your blog and writing, its only fair that you grant me this one request!

  2. Either does Justin Bieber! I guess “great” minds really do think alike after all.

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