No Parking

There are many perks to living in the big city, but parking has to be one of the biggest negatives. In Boston, a family had trouble selling their 2.5 million dollar condo, but were able to sell the their parking space to a buyer for a record $300,000. The original asking price was $250,000, but fierce competition from eager bidders drove up the purchase price. (I have a space available for a reasonable $75,000. Only serious inquiries please!)

“Why am I talking about parking?” Because people are inconsiderate. We have a yard, which you would think is a bonus, but it isn’t. The house is located near one of the busiest sub shops in the city, and I have to deal with assholes who block the entrance to the gate on a daily basis. (Ideal’s is the truth! All I ask is for people to park anywhere besides in front of my gate!) At any given moment, I will have to run home to conduct business. I have no problem with the fact that there are no parking spaces in front of the house, but why do people think it’s ok to block someone’s driveway. THERE ARE TWO NO PARKING SIGNS ON THE GATE!

I honestly wish there was a law allowing people to vandalize any car which blocks an entrance to a property. (Or there can be a law which allows people to shoot the offending driver. I’m serious! I HATE PEOPLE WHO BLOCK THE DRIVEWAY!)

It’s not like we don’t compromise. We have a second gate, which is hardly ever used, and we allow people to block the entrance. (All we are asking for is one of our two gates!)

I have attempted everything. We literally have had over ten NO PARKING signs ripped from the gate. (Great neighborhood! Right?) I have attempted to leave the gate open, but people will continue to block the driveway. On several occasions, I have found cars parked inside the gate. Of course I locked the car inside! DUH!

My uncle rents one of the commercial spaces from our building and he will usually call me to come back and unlock the gate for some PIECE-OF-SHIT who parked in the yard. I honestly get so angry that I don’t even acknowledge the person, for fear that I will lose my temper. DON’T BE SORRY. BE CONSIDERATE!

One time, I pulled into the yard and found a man parked inside my yard. I stepped out of the car and asked him if he required assistance. “No, I’m straight.” Ok, but can you explain to me why it is that you are parked in my yard. “Oh my bad.” FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

Usually, when I find a car blocking the gate, I will find a parking space, then make my rounds to the neighboring businesses in search of the inconsiderate jerk; I usually just tell the person to move their car in a rude manner. Sometimes, when I am vexed, I will park the car in the middle of the street and leave it there, while I search for the idiot who has a reading problem. (They must be illiterate because the signs, yes plural—there are two, are clearly marked, “NO PARKING ANYTIME!”)

This actually happened today. I was driving down the street towards the house, and I noticed a guy walking out of his car, into the barber shop. I pulled-up in front of the shop and put the car in park. I walked out, completely ignoring the honking motorists, and did my best not to lose my temper. The car was promptly moved while I, along with every single car lined up behind me, waited patiently.

For those who don’t know, the yard is fairly large and is shaped like an L. You can fit about twenty cars and any car parked in the rear is not visible from the entrance. Recently, I was parked in the rear of the house, and upon my exit, I found a police SUV parked in the yard. There was a female officer standing next to the truck and I asked her if she required help. With the worst attitude, she snapped back. “No, I don’t need your help! I’m just fixing my mirror.” WHAT? Are you kidding me? Is this lady serious? Long story short, I did my best to keep from unleashing a verbal assault, but she was rudely asked to leave the premises. “Ok, I was going to allow you to finish what you were doing, but your attitude is not welcome on my property.” The funny thing is, she saw me as the jerk in the situation.

There are many different tales between me and the assholes, but I would be writing for hours if I divulged all of them. My favorite story happened recently. I know I gave the impression that Ideal’s is the only reason for the parking mess, but there are several businesses which add to my high blood pressure. The barber shop, which is next door, is probably a bigger problem than Ideal’s. Not only do I have to deal with their customers, but the employees constantly block the gate. Today alone, I had to walk into the Barber shop twice because of the parking situation. (I honestly don’t understand some people. They probably think I am an asshole, which I am, but I couldn’t care less!)

The best incident, my favorite story, happened last month. I drove home to conduct some business and big surprise, there was a car blocking the driveway. I walked into the barber shop, my usual first destination, and asked if the car blocking my gate belonged to any of the patrons. I received blank faces all around. My next destination was the sub shop. Again, no one claimed the car. I walked across the street and saw a vision of joy. For the first time ever, there was a parking enforcer walking the beat. Apparently, a construction company was working in the area and the enforcer was called to monitor the cars.

I walked up to the gentleman and asked if he was rewarding idiots with tickets. He answered in the affirmative and I explained my annoying circumstance. We walked to the gate and he began writing up a ticket. Suddenly, the barber shop door swung open and a guy ran out.

Idiot’s accomplice: [To Enforcer.] “Hey, that’s my friend’s car. He’s in the sub shop.”

Enforcer: [To Idiot’s accomplice.] “Sorry, it’s his gate. Talk to him.”

Idiot’s accomplice: [Who is on the phone with the idiot addresses me.] “Yo, he’s inside the sub shop, he’s coming.”

Me: [To Enforcer] “You can keep writing the ticket.”

[Idiot runs out of the shop, sans sub!]

Idiot: [To Enforcer.] “Yo, that’s my car. I’ll move it.”

Enforcer: [To idiot.] “It’s not my decision.”

Me: [To idiot.] “I can’t help you. I know this may be your first time, but I deal with this everyday and I’m sick and tired of it. I went in the barber shop and you’re friend ignored me. I walked into Ideal’s and you ignored me!” *Shoulder Shrug*

[Enforcer hands idiot the ticket.]

Idiot: [Vents.] “forty-five dollars! Are you serious?”

Me: [To idiot.] “Move the car!”

[The End]

The only incident in which I was able to keep my cool happened when I pulled into the opened gate and found a car parked inside. It had New Hampshire plates and there was a middle-aged woman seated in the passenger seat. I walked to the car and asked if I could be of any assistance. “No, I’m just waiting for my friend.” In my yard? “Oh, I’m so sorry.” She looked flustered. I understood her predicament and didn’t make a fuss. (I can be nice!)

There was also the time when I was parked inside the gate and a car was blocking me in. I was on my way to class and my car was parked in clear view. This offender clearly didn’t care. I lost it and began yelling at the driver as I walked to his car. I was shocked to find an elderly man and his wife seated in the car. I felt bad for a second, but there is no excuse for that kind of ignorance. (Maybe I shouldn’t have yelled, but I have zero tolerance for people who block driveways!)

I’ll stop with the stories, because they are many and I feel I have made my point; I HATE PEOPLE WHO PARK IN FRONT OF MY GATE! I am seriously considering giving a tow company permission to tow any and every vehicle which is found blocking the gate. We’ll see what happens!

If you are one of the people who blocked my gate in the past…FUCK YOU!!!

@PeteTeix617