A True Coke Head

I guess it all started in the ‘80s during the height of the Coke craze. Coke was everywhere. Miami Vice was the top show on television and Brian DePalma’s Scarface was slowly becoming a cult classic.

My parents emigrated from the Cape Verde Islands and established a life here in the United States of America. In a way, you can say that my parents made a living from selling Coke. I know people may not agree with their lifestyle, but a good entrepreneur will always apply the basic economic principles, to make a buck; it’s supply and demand. People were hooked on Coke, and my parents supplied a pure product.

“Never get high on your own supply?” Sorry, tell that to someone who doesn’t have access to all of the Coke one could desire! There are those who prefer a lesser product, but I became a Coke Head.

My mother did her best to keep me from the Coke, but I was hooked. In some ways, she was responsible. I was a little kid—who do you think supplied me with my Coke.

Older family members and friends didn’t do much to stop my addiction to Coke. All I heard while growing up was, “You’re going to take over when your father retires. You’ll be running the Coke business.” I didn’t think that was the best idea. I knew I had a problem and leaving me in charge of all that Coke would be a big mistake!

Day after day, I heard the same thing, “That’s enough, you don’t need anymore Coke!” “It’s almost bedtime, no more Coke for you!” It was torture! My mother provided the Coke, but attempted to limit my use. If I didn’t need her to keep supplying me with the Coke, I would have called child protective services; it was child abuse! You can’t have a house full of Coke and expect me not to enjoy myself.

One vivid childhood memory, was dinner at my maternal grandmother’s house. The food was always delicious, but there was one ridiculous rule which sucked ass! (Sorry Vovo, but that rule will never make sense to me!) “No Coke until after dinner!” Are you bleeping kidding me! How does that make any sense? I need my fix before, during, and after dinner!

It’s not what you think. My parents aren’t drug dealers and I don’t use cocaine! I’m talking about the greatest soft drink ever created, Coca-Cola. (My apologies to real cokeheads who clicked on this blog in hopes of reading about my addiction to cocaine. I can’t help you with your addiction! You do not have a brethren!)

My preference for Coke began in the mid ‘80s. It seemed like everyone was jumping on the bandwagon. (The lesser cola will not even be mentioned in this post! I don’t drink that crap!) I come from a large family and there are a few other Coke Heads, but we are a small minority. Most people preferred the lesser cola, but enjoyed Coke whenever it was the only cola available. I’ll never understand how people can say the dumbest phrase concerning cola, “Coke and the lesser cola are the same!” (There is no competition. Coke is by far a superior soft drink!)

For many years, I developed the practice of asking for Coke, then asking the waiter or waitress if it’s Coke or the lesser cola. (Giving someone the lesser cola instead of Coke should be illegal and a punishable offense. I think a month in the “clink” is enough time to think about the egregious error!) I don’t own stock in Coke, nor do I have any affiliation with the company; I just know what I like.

I don’t understand how people can drink the lesser cola. It’s disgusting; I have never enjoyed the taste.

***Give me a few minutes…just the thought of tasting the lesser cola makes me nauseated!***

[This is completely off topic, but let me take this moment to address something that peeves my pet. Don’t say something makes you nauseous. It’s a misuse of the word. Over the years the incorrect usage of nauseous has been widely excepted…STOP! Nauseous means you have the ability to make someone else sick. Use nauseated! Thank you, and you’re welcome for the free lesson!]

There’s nothing like an ice cold glass of Coke. I can’t get enough! I know coke is bad for you and it can be used to clean pennies, but who cares. I take great caution not to misuse the product. I may drink a couple 2-Litres one day, but I’ll drink a gallon of water the following day. I don’t abuse my Coke!

If you recall my McDonald’s post, I hate when the workers replace my Coke with a diet coke—it happened again the other day and I was forced to discard the drink! I’m going to lose it one day and throw the drink back in the workers face. Wait…what am I thinking. I’ll never do that because I refuse to drink my soda until I am a reasonable distance form the establishment. Why? Because people are sick and I will not give some asshole the satisfaction of watching me drink a contaminated Coke! (I know…I’m weird!)

The worst phrase a waiter or waitress can say is, “we don’t have Coke, will this lesser cola be ok!” No! It will not be ok, you goddamn son-of-a-bitch! (Sorry for the language, but I really hate the lesser cola!) I’ll have a Mountain Dew, thank you very much! (I would never speak to a waiter or waitress in a derogatory manner; I like my food untainted!) It was a tough going in the early days, before I discovered the delicious Olympian-god-nectar named Mountain Dew. I did my best to avoid KFC because they don’t sell Coke. I’d like to meet the man from Dumbazia who came up with that “great” idea! (The place should be closed down. Score one major point for Popeye’s; my new exclusive chicken joint sells Coke!)

People may find this strange, but I can probably count on my hand the number of times I drank the lesser cola in the past 25 or so years. The first incident since ’85 happened during a 2003 road-trip to Rhode Island. I traveled with a friend of mine who was picking up a family member from college, and he asked if I wanted a drink from the vending machine. He returned with the lesser cola and I was in a quagmire. I wanted to decline the drink, but I had to ask myself, “What would Jesus Do?” (The decision was simple, I poured the lesser cola on the ground and walked on it!) Just kidding, no miracles happened, I did the “right” thing and accepted the beverage.

The other lesser cola moments happened whenever I was at someone’s house and I was forced to be polite, or maybe I’ve used the lesser cola a couple times for a mixed drink, but I am not a fan! I honestly have no idea what the drink tastes like.

I know what everyone has been thinking up to this point! “It is most probable that you would fail the lesser cola challenge!” WRONG! I’ve attempted the challenge and have successfully chosen Coke every single time. I even spit back the lesser cola in protest!

That’s right, I was lesser cola free for 18 years. (My golden years!) The last time I had the lesser cola was probably a few years ago; I’m not sure it counts because I was most likely drunk. I wish I could provide a more accurate account of my last encounter with the lesser cola, but I try my best to black out the incidents!

I have decided, my preference is more important than being polite. I will not drink the lesser cola for the rest of my life. No matter the situation, tap water will suffice! There will come a day when a guest will arrive at my house with a bottle of the lesser cola and I will thank them, open the bottle, and pour it into the sink!

When it comes to soft drinks, Coke is #1 and Mountain Dew is 1A. To the other company who produces the lesser cola…FUCK YO DRINK! *Rick James’ Voice*

To say I’m passionate about my preferences, is an understatement. I’m not crazy! I’M JUST A TRUE COKE HEAD!!!

@PeteTeix617