My McDonald’s

Recently, I decided to follow some great advice; I wanted a burger and I remembered the suggestion to try this place called McDonald’s. What a convenient concept; there is a drive-thru option. I couldn’t believe it! I didn’t even have to leave the car. Amazing! This place is going to do big things in the future.

[Reality]

I ordered the Big Mac meal, their number one best seller. I opened the bag and the fries were perfect. Exceptionally salted and warm. Unfortunately, the burger, the reason why I went to the place, was a huge disappointment. The pickles were in the wrong place, the sauce was less than normal, and the amount of lettuce was absurd. (If I wanted to eat healthy I wouldn’t have ordered the Big Mac!) The entire premise of the McDonald’s franchise is consistency. The goal is to ensure that a person can buy a burger in Boston on Monday, fly to Chicago on Friday and enjoy the exact same burger. Somewhere along the line, the memo must have been lost. The inconsistency from one location to the next is killing me.

The burger wasn’t the only problem. Some genius at McDonald’s decided it would be a great idea to have two drive-thru lanes. There are different designs depending on the location. In Quincy, for instance, the drive-thru lanes are connected so two cars can order at the same time. “Great, Right?” No! Horrible idea. There is only one person working both lanes which defeats the purpose. Better yet, since 2003, I can’t remember the first lane ever working.

The McDonald’s near exit 18 on I93 is even worse. I think the person who designed it is a complete jerk. The lanes are side by side, and there is a sign which reads, “Any Lane, Anytime!” During rush hour, there are two people working the lanes so the concept actually works. The problem lies in the off-peak hours. One employee will usually be assigned to handle both lanes, and instead of alternating between the first and second, it’s a free-for-all. There is no way of telling which lane will move faster. The employees seem to pick cars as they please. (I honestly believe they pick, according to which car will cause the most anger to the others, who are forced to wait obscene amounts of time.) I actually watched three cars order from the other lane and I drove off. The good days are the ones in which I arrived and jump in the open lane, cutting several cars. There are those times when I am in a relaxed mood and I’ll jump into the first lane. I can’t describe how pissed I get when I see someone just come and cut the line. Another problem is the long pause, before the employee speaks. I’ve sat there for a couple minutes on several occasions. (Are the workers watching on camera and laughing! If that’s the case…grow up!) I have enough to deal with during the day, I don’t need extra anxiety of trying to figure out which lane will be faster. (It’s a dumb concept. JUST HAVE THE ONE LANE!)

My main complaint about McDonald’s is not the problems with the drive-thru. I want to make a plea to the workers. I want all McDonald’s employees to take pride in your job. There are many successful people who started out at McDonald’s, but you have to learn how to become a great employee before moving on to bigger and better employment. Those who slack off at McDonald’s will be losing the opportunity to learn a valuable life lesson. To the managers: a higher standard must be set in the restaurants. Customers should not have to deal with the problems of the employees. (This is not a McDonald’s specific dilemma. When people go to work, keep your personal problems at home. If you feel the need to take out your frustrations on customers, do the world a favor and stay home. You were hired to provide a service, DO YOUR JOB!!!) Nothing peeves my pet more than having to walk into a McDonald’s, only to see four employees on break and one person working the over-flowing line. It is paramount to always remember Professionalism; having a personal conversation with a friend who is hanging around the counter is inappropriate. (In the future, whenever I encounter these rule violating conversations, I will chime in and give some unwanted advice!)

People need to take pride in their jobs. We understand that you are in high school and it’s only a temporary job, but I want a quality product. I don’t want cold unsalted fries. I don’t want diet coke instead of regular coke. (What kind of sick individual takes pleasure in screwing up someone’s drink. It’s ridiculous! I’ve thrown out at least 20 diet cokes. Where’s the pleasure in giving me the wrong drink? I’m driving away; you can’t even see me not enjoying it!) [Speaking of screwing with orders, any individual who can spit in someone’s food, or perform any other unspeakable acts of tampering, needs to be hung on national TV. I don’t care how much someone pisses me off, I couldn’t do it. Those people are sick in the head. If you have a family member or friend who admits to committing such acts, help out the world and hang them…put it on YouTube so we can laugh!] McDonald’s is the perfect place for young people to learn how to have a great work ethic. Treat customers with respect, and take the job seriously. You never know who is standing in front of you. A person who takes pride in always doing a great job, regardless of the employer, will always be successful!

Apparently, there is a new level of scumbag which I discovered at McDonald’s. One evening, after returning from dinner and a movie, my girlfriend at the time had a hankering for one of those Oreo Cookie Ice-cream whatever-you-call-it from McDonald’s. I didn’t want anything but I entered the drive-thru. The experience was typical until after I received my change. All of a sudden, a “hoopty” drove around the corner and entered the drive-thru lane. I assumed it was a friend of the employee, who was picking up some free food. The car pulled up to the window, received the bag, and drove off. When I made it to the window, the girl handed me a large bag with sandwiches and fries. I explained that we only ordered a dessert, and she was shocked. It turned out, the driver of the hoopty was actually carrying out a master plan to steal food from McDonald’s. He had three passengers, I wonder how they decided who got the dessert. (If you ever find yourself in the position of having to steal food from McDonald’s, it’s probably time to consider suicide!)

My worst McDonald’s moment happened a few months ago. I was working in Pembroke, MA at the time. Each morning, I would speed towards Cape Cod and arrive at my exit in 15 minutes. (The trip is supposed to take 30 minutes!) I usually ran on Dunkin but for some unexplainable reason, I craved a breakfast sandwich and an OJ from McDonald’s. I visited my good friend Mr. Drive-thru, and patiently waited for my turn to order.

Employee number 832627: “Welcome to McDonald’s. Would you like to try our new something-or-other?”

Me: “No thank you.”

Employee number 832627: “Yes.” (What the hell happened to “may I take your order?”)

Me: “I’ll have the sausage, egg, and cheese biscuit, with an orange juice; Please.”

Employee number 832627: “That’s it?”

Me: “Yes, thank you.”

Employee number 832627: “Your total is *inaudible amount*.”

Me: “Thank you.”

I drove around to the first window and paid for the order. After a short wait, I pulled up to the second window and received my bag…off I went. At the red light, I opened the bag and I began to fume. Inside, I found two fruit and maple oatmeal cups. (These are the moments in life when I am thankful I don’t own a firearm!) Needless to say, I tossed the bag into the trashcan at Dunkin and grabbed the usual, a muffin and large coffee coolatta, sans whip cream. (Maybe the girl was overwhelmed by the busy morning and made a mistake. I can understand that. BUT, if she gave me the wrong order deliberately, I hope her future husband has a threesome with her mom and best friend!)

[FYI]

It is unwise to leave a club in a drunken stupor, go to McDonald’s, and act like an ass in the drive-thru–Good Luck getting uncontaminated food!!! (I am the first to cancel my order and grab some snacks at on the run.)

For those of you who are too good to eat fast food…why do you hate America?

For all the healthy people who think I eat too much fast food. Go fuck yourselves…you probably won’t outlive me. And, if you do, I won’t be around to give a shit!

Reading this must leave the impression I eat McDonald’s everyday, but I have compiled this information over several years. I am known to take a two hour lunch, pop in Cash Money, and drive until the CD is over. (Yeah, I actually still go to the store and purchase CDs. I wish I could have recorded the look on the sales associates face when I walked into Best Buy and asked where the single CDs were located. Why can’t it be ’94 again!!!) Over the past several years I have ordered from pretty much every McDonald’s from Brockton to Medford.

If you are wondering about other fast food burger spots…they didn’t sponsor this post, so no mentions. Thanks for the McBucks Ronald!!!

This post is a respite, designed to be light and non-challenging, due to tomorrow’s post ‘Why I Like Hitler!’ (Read it before you judge!)

@PeteTeix617