My Proposal To Save Marriage

I grew up in a time when weddings were arguably the most important event in a person’s life. Meeting that special someone to spend the rest of your life with was the ultimate goal. The excitement that followed an engagement was only rivaled by the excitement of one’s parents planning a trip to Disney World. (Unless you went a dozen or so times. Yeah, I was spoiled!) NOT inviting someone to a wedding could create a feud only surpassed by the Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s. TIMES HAVE CHANGED! Today, people select life-partners, as if they are choosing fruit — if it turns out to be a bad one, who cares? They’ll get another one tomorrow.

**Word of advice to any man or woman who is planning on getting married. If you are looking forward to sleeping with or engaging in any sexual activity with one or more strippers, prior to the wedding day – YOU’RE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED!!! In addition, if you plan on sleeping with anyone who is not a stripper prior to or after the wedding day, see capitalized text above!**

I’m a believer in the fact that weddings and funerals continue to be the greatest events. Obviously weddings are more joyous than funerals, but I enjoy both, simply because each brings family and friends together in one place to support one another. (I’ll write about death soon!)

Recently, I attended two weddings and I had a fantastic time at each. More importantly I feel the true love, which was evident, helped to demonstrate that marriages remain essential to a sophisticated society. Not only is the wedding day splendid but the anticipation, leading up to the date, is exhilarating. Although I enjoy weddings, I must say there is one aspect of marriage which truly upsets me. THE DIVORCE! (This entry has been something that I’ve thought about for years.) It truly bothers me when couples break the vow of marriage, especially when they do so, QUIETLY.

People (religious couples) stand in front of their chosen deity and vow to stay together forever. Family and friends stand as witnesses to the new union. The emotional moment brings many people to tears. (Not me! There was clearly something in my eyes.) The ceremony is beautiful, the reception is beautiful, the honeymoon is…well I’ve never been but, I can imagine. Actually I don’t have to imagine. Check out www.hiddenhoneymoons.com, GOOD TIMES! At any rate, the entire wedding experience is what little girls all over the world are dreaming about as you read. Everyone gets eager to see the new couple when they return from their trip to some exotic location. Everything is wonderful.

AND THEN…something goes horribly wrong. A philandering husband, a loose wife, an overly-friendly neighbor, an addiction to porn, a jealous sibling, a forgotten love, a whorish ex, the mailman, etc. Whatever the case may be, the sense of disappointment reverberates through the extended family. In America today, more than half of all marriages end in Divorce, but we never expect it to be the people we know and love. “Not those two; they were made for each other,” we all assume. (Obviously there are some exceptions. We’ve all had that one experience where everyone is thinking, what the hell are these two thinking!)

Divorce always affects me negatively. I don’t know what it is, but I guess there is a part of me that believes in true love. (Yeah I know, SHOCKING!) Sometimes, a couple will  get a divorce without people even knowing.  I know I just found out about one recently. (Always sucks to hear, although I am never shocked.) I’ll never forget where I was when I heard of Tiger Woods’ transgressions. That may have been the divorce that ruined marriage for me. (I was in my bedroom, typing something fantastic, with the television on, if you must know.) Too many people are getting hitched just for the sake of it. Somehow, marriage has lost its significance.

Fortunately, I have the solution to the divorce problem! **The Divorce Party**

That’s right people, I propose something that will prevent couples from jumping into a marriage before they are prepared. We (wedding guests) deserve to witness the divorce. And we deserve to witness it in the same manner – the same Pomp and Stance! What do I mean by “Divorce Party?” Well, I’ll tell you. (After reading this, please send letters to your elected officials to ensure that a law is enacted.)

***Before I divulge the intricacies of the Divorce Party, let me point out that the porn site mentioned above does not exist. I repeat. The porn site above does not exist; I just made it up, PERVERTS! Half of you have already found that out and half were waiting to check it out after they finish this entry. Nonetheless, I’m sure those of you who haven’t, will still attempt the IP address later.***

A Divorce Party, MUST be mandatory. Meaning, no divorce can be finalized unless a government witness, who is to be paid by the couple, is in attendance.

Divorce Party Details:

1. The person (priest, minister, etc.) who officiated the marriage must be present at the divorce Party. If that person is deceased, a replacement Official of equal importance must be present.
2. The same location, or one which is comparable must be selected.
3. A photographer must be hired. If a videographer was hired to film the wedding, you guessed it — one must be hired for the divorce. (Copies of the film MUST be made readily available to anyone who desires one.)
4. The Divorce Party is a two part event, just as most marriages are.
5. If a couple is married in a church, the divorce party’s first act must also occur in a church. There must also be a Divorce Mass, if there was one for the wedding. Conversely, if the wedding was not held in a church, then a similar location must be chosen.
6. Every person who was invited to the wedding must be invited to the Divorce, and the invitations are to be sent out in a timely manner. Furthermore, the invitations are to be sent out with the same grandiose as the ones for the wedding.
7. Groomsmen and Bridesmaids are to be selected. If an individual who served during the wedding is unavailable, he or she must be replaced. (The suits and dresses are to be paid for by the divorcing couple, and limousines are to be provided for transportation)
8. For the first act of the event, the couple must sit before the witnesses, and answer any and all questions that will be asked by the Wedding Official. (priest minister, etc) The guests will not be permitted to ask any questions. This will be the Officials time, but guests CAN challenge the truthfulness of any answer. Snickering by the audience is not only allowed, but encouraged. Also, the yelling out of asinine comments, may be frowned upon but, WILL be allowed.
9. When the Wedding Official is satisfied with the answers given, he or she will allow the divorce proceedings to continue.
10. At the end of the first ceremony, the couple must walk down the isle side-by-side, detached, with arms folded.
11. The divorcing couple must ride together in the same car; they are free to select any vehicle. The Bridal Party will ride to the Divorce Reception in the limousines provided.
12. The main event must be held in a hall of equal or greater elegance as the wedding hall.
13. The Bridal Party must get together at a chosen location and take photos.
14. Hors d’œuvres must be served for the guests while they await the arrival of the Bridal Party.

*******MY FAVORITE RULE*******

15. THE DIVORCE RECEPTION MUST BE OPEN-BAR! (Paid for by the couple, and we’re definitely talking about open-bar all night! And none of that garbage about, “you can only have this or that.” COMPLETELY OPEN-BAR!) To further illustrate my point, the bar must be more open than the vagina of…{This is the portion of the blog where the reader gets to be involved!!! Insert name of someone you know, who has a vagina which is always open for business. Have fun with this; it’s not an assignment. Feel free to add that name in the comment section, tweet it, post it on facebook, or you can text it to your best friend!}
16. The Bridal Party must be individually announced when they enter the reception hall.
17. The seating arrangements are specific. The guests are to be seated in the same manner as a typical wedding reception. The members of the Bridal Party are to be seated in the middle of the room facing the elevated main table, which will seat the divorcing couple. (It is essential for the “Divorce Table to be elevated, so all guests can have an unobstructed view of the divorcing couple.”)
18. There is to be an MC, who will be responsible for all announcements.
19. A live band or DJ must also be hired.
20. Each member of the Bridal Party will have the opportunity to either give a speech, or ask questions of the divorcing couple. (They are to answer any and every question honestly. Anyone in attendance will be allowed to challenge the validity of the answers.) The divorcing couple must present members of the Bridal Party with an appropriate gift, after each person speaks.
21. It will then be the open-mic segment of the evening. This is when the lavish dinner MUST be served. Any and all guests will be allowed the opportunity to ask a question, or give a speech. The MC must ensure that each guest who has a question for the divorcing couple is heard.
22. Once all questions are answered, and the government witness is satisfied, the dancing can commence. (The guests of honor are not allowed to refuse any dance requests.)
23. The divorcing couple will not be permitted to leave the reception until all of the guests depart.

If someone has the desire to be promiscuous and free, I have no problem with it. Live your life as you please! Just don’t put on a charade in front of family and friends, by getting married. Let matrimony be for the people who are truly in love – stay single and do your thing. It is my sincere hope that, by implementing my Divorce Party idea, people will think twice before rushing into a marriage for the wrong reasons!!!

@PeteTeix617