Virgin Birth

The year is 2018. In February, upon attempting to create a faster space shuttle, NASA scientists discover the secret to time-travel. On April 18, the President of the United States deems the machine “tested and ready” for public viewing.

A team is assembled for the first official mission. Two astronauts are accompanied by three members of the United Stated Special Forces; an Army Ranger, a Navy Seal, and a soldier from the Psy OPS team. To his surprise, talk show host Maury Povich is asked to join and serve as the world’s journalist; he brings along a trusted cameraman. The seven men enter the time machine and wave to family members and television cameras.

The machine works flawlessly and the group disappears after fifteen seconds of spinning. Audiences all over the world wait patiently for the voyagers to return. Three weeks elapse before they reappear inside of the capsule. To the astonishment of the audience, the group is accompanied by a woman, her male toddler, and a man. As expected, everyone is whisked away quickly to an undisclosed location, for debriefing.

On June 23^rd, after days of silence, Maury Povich hosts a televised special. The world will finally hear the information discovered by the group. Who are the people in the capsule? Where do they come from? Why were they chosen?

Maury Povich appears on the stage, seated in a chair, with three empty seats to his left.

Maury: “Welcome everyone. Today I will finally reveal the destination of our secret mission.”

[A loud cheer erupts, and the camera pans-out to a large crowd, seated in front of him.]

Maury: “The President of the United States insisted that Jerusalem, in the year 3ad, be the first official mission.”

[crowd applauds]

Maury: “I’m sure most of you are wondering about the identity of the three people that returned with us. The woman’s name is Mary and the man’s name is Joseph. The child is Jesus.”

[the audience gasps]

Maury: “That’s right. We brought back the ‘Holy Family.’ Apparently, everything that we know about Joseph is incorrect – he never believed Mary’s story about the birth of Jesus. The family agreed to come back with us in order to finally prove that Mary is telling the truth.”

[the audience applauds]

Maury: “Before I bring out my first guest, take a look at what she has to say.”

Mary: [yelling in Aramaic – subtitles appear on the screen] “I’m sick and tired of Joseph questioning my story. He knows that I’ve always been faithful to him and he knows that Jesus is the ‘Son of God,’ not the ‘son of one of our neighbors.’ When the test finally comes back, I want Joseph to kiss my ass.”

[audience applauds and screams] {video ends}

Maury: “Everyone please welcome Mary to the stage.”

[Mary walks out to audience applauding and sits next to Maury]

Maury: “Now let me get this straight. Joseph doesn’t believe your story about the Virgin Birth?”

Mary: [through translator] “Yes Maury. Ever since I became pregnant, he has been impossible. He knows that I would never hurt him. We have been through everything together and I need him to be supportive. He knows that being a virgin is important to me and I don’t know why he doesn’t believe me. I don’t understand why he keeps questioning me. Just because I never slept with him, doesn’t mean that I’ve been sleeping with someone else. Why would I sleep with some random guy? He knows that I was visited by the angel Gabriel.”

Maury: “This is crazy because millions of Christians around the world know about the Virgin Birth, and no one has ever heard anything about Joseph questioning it. It was always believed that he was supportive throughout Jesus’ life.”

Mary: “No Maury. He hasn’t been supportive at all. Every time we go anywhere, he constantly accuses me of sleeping with any guy who says ‘hi’ to me; it’s getting really annoying!”

Maury: “Well, let’s hear what Joseph has to say.”

Joseph: [also yelling in Aramaic] “I’m tired of Mary’s lies. She thinks that I’m an idiot, but I know that she has been sleeping around with men behind my back. As a matter of fact, I already walked in on her making out with some guy on our couch. She says that it was a moment of weakness and nothing else happened, but I DON’T BELIEVE HER! I can’t wait to get the test results so I can finally know the truth. And no Maury, I don’t need to get tested. I never slept with her…she’s a ‘virgin,’ remember.”

Maury: “Everyone, welcome Joseph to the stage.”

[crowd boos while Joseph walks to his seat]

Joseph: [waving arms and yelling to audience – in Aramaic] “You don’t know me. She’s a liar.”

Maury: “Now Joseph, what’s this I hear about you not believing Mary? For over two thousand years, Christians have always believed that you were supportive. When did you start having doubts?”

Joseph: [also through translator] “Well Maury, I started questioning her ever since I came home from work early one day, and found her on our couch making out with one of our neighbors. People always use to tell me that she was a whore, but I always trusted her. That day changed everything. I can’t trust her, Maury.”

Mary: “People make mistakes. It was only one time and I feel bad about it. I don’t know why you don’t believe me.”

Joseph: “Mistake? You’re being ridiculous. I’ve been with you from the beginning and you always tell me that I have to wait until your ready for sex, and to top it all off I have to find out that you are with other guys? I can’t believe you would do this to me.”

Maury: “While we were in Jerusalem, Joseph helped us compile a list of 6 men that he thinks may be the father of three year-old Jesus. We have DNA samples from the men and the results of the test are in. Today we will finally discover if Mary’s account of the Virgin Birth is true. Mary also agreed to take a lie detector test.”

[The audience applauds and an assistant hands Maury a folder]

Maury: “When asked if she loves Joseph, Mary replied ‘yes’ and the lie detector determined that she was…telling the truth.”

[Audience applauds]

Mary: “I told you. I don’t know why you keep questioning me.”

Joseph: “That’s just one question. I want to hear about the cheating.”

Maury: “Other than the one time Joseph knows about, have you ever had any sexual relations with any men? Mary said ‘no’ and the lie detector determined that…that was a lie.”

[crowd oos and aws]

Joseph: “I knew it! She’s a slut Maury.”

Mary: “No, I never did anything with anyone. It was just the one time. I swear.”

Maury: “Mary was asked, have you ever had sex with any man? she replied ‘no’ and the lie detector determined…that’s a lie. She had sex with more than 20 men over 100 times.”

[crowd boos]

Joseph: “WHAT! 20 fucking guys! You fucking-lying-bitch.”

[Mary runs off the stage. After several hysterical minutes, Maury convinces her to return to her seat]

Maury: “Is there anything that you want to say to Joseph?”

Mary: “It’s not true. I never did anything with anyone. I want to take the test again.”

Joseph: “Are you kidding me? All of a sudden the lie detector is lying? C’mon, give me a break!”

Maury: “We can give you the test again, but I don’t think the results will be different. Joseph, I know you’re upset but that’s not the main reason we’re here. We want to know who Jesus’ father is – that’s the important question.”

[an assistant hands Maury another envelope]

Maury: “I have the DNA results.”

Joseph: “Yeah, I can’t wait to finally know the truth.”

Maury: “In the case of 3 year-old baby Jesus, the first guy tested, a man named Lysimachus is…NOT the father.”

[Audience applauds]

Mary: “I told you.”

Joseph: “That’s just one guy. Let’s hear the rest, Maury.”

Maury: “The second man tested, a guy named Mahazioth is…NOT the father.”

Mary: “Do you believe me now?”

Joseph: “Let’s go Maury, we still have 4 more.”

Maury: “Now this next one is strange. These three men are brothers, and they live across the street from the two of you.”

Joseph: “Yes, and it can be any of them. To make it even worst, one of the brothers is named Joseph.”

[audience boos]

Joseph: “You guys don’t know anything.” [yelling in Aramaic]

Mary: “This is so embarrassing. I don’t know why he’s putting me through this. I would never cheat on you, Joe.”

Maury: “We tested three brothers, Barnabus, Zedekiah, and Joseph. In the case of three year-old babyJesus…neither of the three brothers is the father.”

[audience applauds]

Maury: [turns to Joseph] “Well Joseph, do you have anything to say. It’s not looking good for you?”

Joseph: “I don’t know Maury, maybe it was another guy that I don’t know about. Either way, I know she’s a whore.”

Mary: “I can’t believe you are acting like this. What happened to you?”

Maury: “I guess we’ll all know the truth after this.”

[audience applauds wildly]

Maury: “In the case of three year-old baby Jesus…the sixth and final man to be tested, a farmer named Lesu…IS the father.”

[crowd erupts and Mary runs off the stage]

Joseph: “I knew it. ‘God,’ my ass. I knew she was a lying-slut. I can’t believe this bullshit! All this time she was lying. This is messed up, Maury.”

Maury: [Maury grabs Joseph’s hand] “Listen Joseph, I know this is bad news, but you have to think about that child. I have a son in my house and I’m not his birth father but I love him like my own…you can still build that relationship.”

Joseph: “Are you crazy? Ever since we came to the future, all I’ve been hearing about is how Jesus is the ‘Son of God’ and how there are millions and millions of people who are Christians, because of him. And how this is the ‘Second Coming.’ The whole world should be pissed. That lying-slut has a lot to apologize for!”

[He runs backstage]

Joseph: “I can’t believe you did this to me…after all this time of not giving me any sex? Ah man. This is some BULLSHIT!”

Mary: “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just didn’t want you to think I was a whore.”

Joseph: “WHAT? Not a whore? Do you realize that your lie created a freaking religion. I’m done with you and the baby! At least I’m not the only fool to believe your bullshit. There are millions of people who are going to want to say a few things to you.”

Mary: [yells out] “I’m Sorry, Joe.”

[Joseph starts to walk away]

Maury: “Joseph, hold on. Before the two of you leave here, I want you to sit with my counselor. This relationship can still be saved.”

Joseph: “No Maury, there’s no ‘saving.’ I’m done with her and her kid.”

[Maury looks into the camera]

Maury: “This is an unbelievable development. What will the Pope have to say about this? I’ll do my best to get the answers. Until next time, America!”

Do not be a following-idiot. He who is blind and follows faithfully, shall be led on a nonsensical journey.