Writing Through Writer’s Block

“There was a time, a long long time ago; Chevys and Levies played on the radio…”

I know when most of you were children, your parents probably sat you down in the living room, poured you a cup of tea and taught you about writer’s block. I’ll never forget the big day, “son, you can’t do anything about writer’s block; sometimes ‘god’ wants writers to slow down and think about what they should write.” My parents were right; writer’s block cannot be stopped, you can only hope to contain it.

Writer’s block is annoying and most likely comes from over-thinking. For no apparent reason, the mind will shut down and stop producing ideas. (There is no scientific explanation for writer’s block, so until one exists, we’ll go with the over-thinking theory!) I struggled with the condition for most of my life, until I finally arrived at a solution. Writing is the only way to cure writer’s block.

I know what you must be thinking; “who the heck is this idiot and what does he know about writer’s block?” I’m no expert, but I am someone who never has to deal with writer’s block. (Seriously!)

Experiencing writer’s block, is like going to the mall with a list of items to purchase and discovering the second store on your list is temporarily closed; you don’t sit there and wait, you move on and return later. Use the same solution when writing. When you get stuck, write down “think of a great idea and add it here,” and then add asterisks to the text; maybe even change the color to red. (The goal is to ensure that you remember to come back and edit!)

Once you have created a reminder for yourself, continue writing as if you came up with the perfect idea. Here is an example:

Dead goat heads look like dinosaurs. I remember the first time I saw one, *Write an example – get creative.*

One time, I buried a dead goat head in the back yard and I allowed it to remain hidden for three weeks. On the day of my big cookout, I shocked the guests by “discovering” a dinosaur fossil! They couldn’t believe that some of the flesh remained! It was great until my uncle pointed out that he *connect my uncle to the first time I saw a dead goat head. Maybe he was the one who made me cut it up.*

Add something about rather being bitten by sharks than dinosaurs! (As the ideas pop into your head, write them on the page and continue to write. Once you find the perfect place to insert each new idea, make your edits!)

[The End]

This is an example of how I am able to write without stopping because of writer’s block. Once you continue to write, the ideas will start to flow and you can go back and fill in the empty spaces. Attempting to force out creative content will only exacerbate the situation. (Writer’s block grows stronger when people try to force the issue!)

This approach can also work for someone who is having trouble coming up with a new idea. I believe anyone who wants to write should keep a stockpile of ideas with them at all times. Thankfully, we live in the era of “Technological Revolution.” My smart phone has a memo application which I constantly use to jot down ideas. (I currently have exactly 130 memos in my phone!)

** Those of you who do not keep up with the basic gadgets can carry around a small note pad!**

The ideas are great to have, but you may rifle through your collection and find that nothing sparks your interest. That’s not a problem; all you have to do is pick a random idea and start writing. Once the creative juices begin to flow, you will find the great idea you were looking for. (Reading can also help to get the creativity going!)

Music is another great way to prevent writer’s block. Life is filled with all types of distractions. Playing music in the background will control your surrounding area. Music can also be a great idea generator; you may hear some lyrics which can spark a topic.

These are the methods I use and I hope others can find them to be useful!

Although I love listening to Cash Money Records, I don’t play any rap while writing. (Except for Three Six Mafia’s, Doe Boy Fresh.) **If I could explain it, I would!**

My playlists consists of ‘80s rock classics and Magic 106.7 soft rock greats. Thanks to my cousin @Dtexboston, I now have Spotify. (I suggest you check it out!)

Here are thirty random songs from the playlist of over one hundred:

  1. Slice – Five For Fighting
  2. Carry You Home – James Blunt
  3. Faithfully – Journey
  4. World – Five for Fighting
  5. Daughters – John Mayer
  6. Collide – Howie Day
  7. She Will Be Loved – Maroon Five
  8. Here Comes The Sun – Beatles
  9. Copperline – James Taylor
  10. Who’s Crying Now – Journey
  11. Open Arms – Journey
  12. Billie jean – Michael Jackson
  13. Your Love – The Outfield
  14. Walking In Memphis – Marc Cohn
  15. Hotel California – The Eagles
  16. Superman – Five For Fighting
  17. 100 Years – Five For Fighting
  18. Chances – Five For Fighting
  19. High – James Blunt
  20. Carolina In My Mind – James Taylor
  21. It’s So Hard To Say Goodbye To Yesterday – Boyz II Men
  22. Losing My Religion – R.E.M.
  23. American Pie – John McLean
  24. I Ran – A Flock Of Seagulls
  25. Redemption Song – Bob Marley and The Wailers
  26. With Or Without You – U2
  27. I Don’t Want To Miss A Thing — Aerosmith
  28. Say – John Mayer
  29. This Romeo Ain’t Got Julie Yet – Diamond Rio
  30. This Is How We Do IT – Montell Jordan

<BONUS> Don’t Stop Believing — Journey

Judge me if you must, but I like good music! (I usually listen to Five For Fighting and Journey, for the most part!)

Unfortunately, Spotify doesn’t have any of the songs from the movie Scarface!

**No Livity -- Rapaz Novo, either!**

If I had the time, I would definitely send a letter: “To whom it may concern!”

     ***Be advised, my solution for preventing writer’s block may only work for people with an extreme case of undiagnosed Attention Deficit Disorder. (I truly hope it works for everyone!)***

Good Luck!


German Engineering

People are on an unending quest to find the best solutions to life’s challenging problems. (If only it was as easy as copying the answers from the test paper of the student sitting beside you!) The companionship of a trusted sage, one with several resolutions, is optimal for living a fruitful life. Lucky are those who can decipher life’s mysteries for themselves, for they are the best of the species.

There is no task more daunting than running a modern day country. America has always been considered the world’s lone Super Power, but the country’s budget crisis may prove to bring on a collapse. (Looks like we’ll all need to learn to speak Chinese soon! I think we owe China a Brazillion Dollars! Instead of going with Gazillion or Bazillion, I chose to use Brazillion…doesn’t that just make the budget deficit sound a lot sexier?)

One country that seems to always get it right, at least since The Second World War, is Germany. The victorious Allied Forces placed sanctions on the German Republic, restricting the nation’s military spending. The sanctions, once thought to be a huge hindrance, turned out to be a “blessing in disguise.” The Germans focused on their economy and the pursuit of new technological advancements. The statement ‘German Engineering’ carries a great deal of weight. German appliances are among the world’s best and their automobiles are in a class above the rest. Mercedes, BMW, and Audi are the top luxury brands, and the Deutsche Bank Group is one of the top financial institutions in the world. It’s obvious to me that the United States of America can learn a lot from the Germany.

The Germans have also made great strides when it comes to women’s rights. The country is headed by a female Chancellor. Angela Merkel was elected in 2005, and has led the German Republic to greater heights.

Just when you think the Germans were done creating new innovations, THEY SURPRISE US ONCE MORE! The Germans have made advances to the world’s oldest profession…PROSTITUTION!


     “What advances have been made?” I’ll tell you!

First of all, prostitution is legal in Germany. “What?” Yes, you heard exactly what I said! Let me reiterate…PROSTITUTION IS LEGAL IN GERMANY! Yesterday’s post about assumption was meant to teach a lesson. Don’t assume that the Germans are pro-prostitution; the complete opposite is true. The law was enacted in 2002, but the negative stigma which comes with being a prostitute remains, and most of the “working women” conceal their true identities.

“Why do the Germans allow prostitution?” Because the Germans understand the fact that prostitutes are people too; they deserve rights! Germany is probably the Brothel capital of the world! (Trip to Berlin, anyone?)

“Great, the Germans allow prostitution. That’s not anything new; there are other countries with legalized prostitution. What’s all this fuss about German superiority?” I wasn’t finished!

Let me see. Now where was I before I was so rudely interrupted? Oh yeah, I remember. I wanted to discuss the newest German innovation. The German City of Bonn, the former capital of West Germany, is the location of the world’s foremost genius, Lord Mayor Jürgen Nimptsch. (Just the fact that he is called Lord Mayor is amazing enough to me! How can you not like the Germans after learning that little tidbit of information?) There are several German cities which collect a tax from the prostitutes, but Bonn takes the collection process to new heights. According to Nicholas Kulish of the New York Times, the city has installed street meters to collect the taxes from the “street walkers.”

Kulish reports that each prostitute must use the meters to collect a ticket for a small fee of about nine US dollars. The ticket gives the women authorization to work the streets for the night.

“Under the new meter system, street prostitutes must purchase the tickets to work between the hours of 8:15 p.m. and 6 a.m. Leaflets explaining the system, translated into several languages, are handed out to the prostitutes. After one warning, a sex worker caught working without a ticket would be fined up to $145.” –Kulish

One of my favorite aspects of legalized prostitution in Bonn is the fact that the city provides specialized garages where “Johns” can park their cars and enjoy sex with the prostitutes. (I understand tricks are called johns because the term originates from the name John Doe, which is used for any anonymous man, but the moniker doesn’t seem fair to men named John. I, myself, have never known anyone who is named John that actually solicited a woman for sex! **WINK**) Kulish’s article, ‘In Germany, Sex Workers Feed a Meter,’ is filled with some interesting numbers. I suggest reading it!

How can I not show the Lord Mayor’s picture?

     I don’t know about you, but I’ve been brushing up on my German! “Ich ube mein Deutsch, weil Prostituierte in Berlin geben Rabatte fur Manner, die die sprache sprechen!” (Yes, if you follow me on twitter I copied the quote from one of my earlier tweets! I don’t always tweet, but when I do…it’s outrageous! Stay Thirsty my friends! To quote Cash Money’s, Juve the Great, “Follow me now, if you want get on!”)

***”But you forgot to write your twitter name!” Are you FUCKING kidding me? IT’S AT THE END OF EVERY SINGLE BLOG POST!***

     I’ll share my favorite prostitution joke since we are discussing the topic.

Man: “If no one could ever find out, would you sleep with a billionaire for one billion dollars?”

Woman: “ONE BILLION DOLLARS? Hell yeah!”

Man: “What if he only offered you five hundred million?”

Woman: “Yeah, that’s still a lot of money.”

Man: “Yeah, I agree. What about a hundred million?”

Woman: “I would be able to do a lot with one hundred million, yeah!”

Man: “Would you sleep with me for fifty bucks?”

Woman: “No, are you crazy?”

Man: “Why not?”

Woman: “Because I’m not a prostitute!”

Man: “We already established that you are a prostitute. We are simply negotiating the price!”

*****Gets them every time! OUCH!*****

     Perform your civic duty and contact your State Representatives. We need to follow the example of the great German Lord Mayor! Prostitution in the United States of America must be legalized and taxed. I am now a proponent of using Lord Mayor Jürgen Nimptsch’s new meter system. Let us do our part and make this world a better place! (If you want the CHANGE that Barrack Obama promised, you have to stand up and fight. Prostitution is not going to legalize herself! *Feminizing prostitution is not sexist. I think!*)

Although I often joke, and tweet about my affinity for prostitution, I have never actually paid a woman for sex. Well, except for the occasional dinner or movie date prior to performing “the lord’s work.” That’s not prostitution, RIGHT?


Tranny Problem

This past week, I had a rather interesting experience. One of my cousins approached me with a problem. Unfortunately for him, I was unable to provide the useful advice that he expected, so I promised him that I would post our conversation on my blog in hopes that someone may read the entry and provide some great suggestions.

This problem is a very delicate matter, so I will not reveal my cousin’s identity. (His preferences in life are his own business and although I have no problem with his decisions, I know there are people in this world who are intolerant!)

Here is the conversation:

[The back yard.]

Cousin: “I need your help.”

Me: “Damn, what would you do without me?”

[We laugh.]

Cousin: “Na, for real. We always have been open with each other, so I trust your opinion. I never mentioned this before, but I’ve been starting to get into trannies.”

Me: “What? Are you serious?”

Cousin: “Yeah, I don’t know when it happened exactly, but I guess it’s something that has always been inside of me.”

Me: “That’s crazy. I never pictured you as a tranny man. But you already know…I’ll support whatever you do. We’re blood for life! ORALE! Blood in blood out, Vato!”

Cousin: “Thanks, Carnal; I know this may seem weird, but I knew I could count on you for guidance.”

Me: “Of course. Just give me a few minutes to wrap my head around this whole situation.”

[I Exit.]

I enter the house. I grab a cup and fill it with ice. I grab a bottle of COKE and pour it into the glass. SO REFRESHING! How anyone can drink that other crap is a mystery to me! (FUCK YO DRINK!) I gain my composure and return to my cousin. He needs my help and I will always be there for him.

[Back in the yard.]

Me: “What is it exactly that you need help with?”

Cousin: “I want to talk about my trannies.”

Me: “Hold on. You have more than one tranny?”

Cousin: “Yeah! There is the old one and the new one. Obviously, I can’t keep both of them in my life so I need you to help me decide which one I should keep.”

Me: “I don’t know anything about either of the trannies. How am I supposed to be able to help?”

Cousin: “You’re the only person that I can turn to. My mom was of little assistance. She said that I should just do whatever my heart desires. Her only concern is that I keep one and leave the other one to please someone else.”

Me: “Your mother knows about your trannies?”

Cousin: “Yeah, we live together. Of course she knows; I tell her everything!”

Me: “Wow! I have to say, I’m completely surprised. If anything, I would expect her to start with the concerned mother CRYING GAME. I wouldn’t expect her to even know anything about trannies!”

Cousin: “Yeah, she doesn’t really understand, but she’s cool with whatever I do with my life.”

Me: “That’s great. There are so many people who have trouble discussing such things with parents who are usually intolerant. You should be grateful to have such a supportive mother.”

Cousin: “No doubt. My mom is the best.”

Me: “Good for you!”

Cousin: “This problem has been a real drag, let me explain everything. My old tranny has been around since I moved back to Boston, and I feel a connection to him. Wait! Are trannies male or female? Or does it even matter?”

Me: “Of course it matters. What’s wrong with you? I’m pretty sure trannies prefer to be called female.”

Cousin: “Who knows? I honestly don’t think it matters.”

Me: “For someone who is into trannies, you’re extremely insensitive. Why don’t you just call your tranny a female and see what happens?”

Cousin: “I’m insensitive? I think your being overly sensitive, if anything.”

Me: “I’m just being considerate.”

Cousin: “Whatever, I don’t even think it really matters. Like I was saying, I want to stick with my old tranny, but I heard that trannies are different. I think one guy said that you can never truly trust a tranny. That got me thinking that maybe it was time for a new tranny. I wasn’t going to do anything until the new tranny came into my life. Now, I have no idea what to do. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I feel a connection with my old tranny, but what if the guy is right?”

Me: “I don’t think you can just end things with the old tranny because you overheard some guy say trannies are not trustworthy. What if the new tranny doesn’t do the things that you like from the old one? I say you stick it through with the old tranny and look for a new tranny when you find yourself in need.”

Cousin: “That’s good advice, but I can’t help but think that the new tranny…he’s going to be amazing!”

Me: “She not he!” *I shake my head.* “Then stay with the new one and let the old tranny go. Why are you asking me?”

Cousin: “I honestly thought that you had some experience with trannies.”

Me: “Are you insane? I don’t know anything about trannies!”

Cousin: “Damn, you say that like it’s a bad thing.”

Me: “Na, my bad! I didn’t mean it like that. I don’t think there is anything wrong with what you’re doing. I just meant to say that I don’t know much about trannies.”

Cousin: “This decision is harder than you think.” [He grabs his crotch.] “The big show has a connection with the old tranny, but I’m sure he’ll be excited about experiencing a new tranny.” [He throws his arms up in the air and a look of consternation fills his face.]

Me: “Dude, relax. Everything will work out in the end.”

Cousin: “I tell you what. The new tranny is at my house, and the old one is outside; let’s take a ride to the house and you can compare the two.”

Me: “Are you serious? You sat here and had a conversation with me while the entire time the old tranny is in the car waiting for you? What a jerk!”

Cousin: “It’s not that big a deal.”

Me: “I honestly think that the two trannies should flip a coin to see which of them has to stay with you; loser stays!” *I shake my head again.*

[We walk to the car. The license plate reads “BIG SHOW.”]

Me: “Where is the old tranny?”

Cousin: “We’ll compare the two when we get to the house.”

Me: “Yeah, I got that, but you said the old tranny was in the car.”

Cousin: “Yeah, it’s under the hood! You didn’t think I already pulled it out did you?”

Me: “TRANSMISSION? You’re an idiot!”

Cousin: “What did you think I was talking about?” [Laughs.]

Me: “You’re a fucking asshole! Go get a mechanic to help you with your fucking tranny problem.”

Cousin: “That’s the plan, but I don’t know which one to go to. Can you find me a reliable mechanic?”

Me: “I’ll post this convo on my blog and hopefully someone will have a recommendation for you.”

Cousin: “Thanks, Cuz!”

[The End]

Let this be a lesson about assumption. Never ASSUME anything. When you ASSUME, you make an ASS out of U and ME!


My Proposal To Save Marriage

I grew up in a time when weddings were arguably the most important event in a person’s life. Meeting that special someone to spend the rest of your life with was the ultimate goal. The excitement that followed an engagement was only rivaled by the excitement of one’s parents planning a trip to Disney World. (Unless you went a dozen or so times. Yeah, I was spoiled!) NOT inviting someone to a wedding could create a feud only surpassed by the Hatfield’s and the McCoy’s. TIMES HAVE CHANGED! Today, people select life-partners, as if they are choosing fruit — if it turns out to be a bad one, who cares? They’ll get another one tomorrow.

**Word of advice to any man or woman who is planning on getting married. If you are looking forward to sleeping with or engaging in any sexual activity with one or more strippers, prior to the wedding day – YOU’RE NOT READY TO GET MARRIED!!! In addition, if you plan on sleeping with anyone who is not a stripper prior to or after the wedding day, see capitalized text above!**

I’m a believer in the fact that weddings and funerals continue to be the greatest events. Obviously weddings are more joyous than funerals, but I enjoy both, simply because each brings family and friends together in one place to support one another. (I’ll write about death soon!)

Recently, I attended two weddings and I had a fantastic time at each. More importantly I feel the true love, which was evident, helped to demonstrate that marriages remain essential to a sophisticated society. Not only is the wedding day splendid but the anticipation, leading up to the date, is exhilarating. Although I enjoy weddings, I must say there is one aspect of marriage which truly upsets me. THE DIVORCE! (This entry has been something that I’ve thought about for years.) It truly bothers me when couples break the vow of marriage, especially when they do so, QUIETLY.

People (religious couples) stand in front of their chosen deity and vow to stay together forever. Family and friends stand as witnesses to the new union. The emotional moment brings many people to tears. (Not me! There was clearly something in my eyes.) The ceremony is beautiful, the reception is beautiful, the honeymoon is…well I’ve never been but, I can imagine. Actually I don’t have to imagine. Check out www.hiddenhoneymoons.com, GOOD TIMES! At any rate, the entire wedding experience is what little girls all over the world are dreaming about as you read. Everyone gets eager to see the new couple when they return from their trip to some exotic location. Everything is wonderful.

AND THEN…something goes horribly wrong. A philandering husband, a loose wife, an overly-friendly neighbor, an addiction to porn, a jealous sibling, a forgotten love, a whorish ex, the mailman, etc. Whatever the case may be, the sense of disappointment reverberates through the extended family. In America today, more than half of all marriages end in Divorce, but we never expect it to be the people we know and love. “Not those two; they were made for each other,” we all assume. (Obviously there are some exceptions. We’ve all had that one experience where everyone is thinking, what the hell are these two thinking!)

Divorce always affects me negatively. I don’t know what it is, but I guess there is a part of me that believes in true love. (Yeah I know, SHOCKING!) Sometimes, a couple will  get a divorce without people even knowing.  I know I just found out about one recently. (Always sucks to hear, although I am never shocked.) I’ll never forget where I was when I heard of Tiger Woods’ transgressions. That may have been the divorce that ruined marriage for me. (I was in my bedroom, typing something fantastic, with the television on, if you must know.) Too many people are getting hitched just for the sake of it. Somehow, marriage has lost its significance.

Fortunately, I have the solution to the divorce problem! **The Divorce Party**

That’s right people, I propose something that will prevent couples from jumping into a marriage before they are prepared. We (wedding guests) deserve to witness the divorce. And we deserve to witness it in the same manner – the same Pomp and Stance! What do I mean by “Divorce Party?” Well, I’ll tell you. (After reading this, please send letters to your elected officials to ensure that a law is enacted.)

***Before I divulge the intricacies of the Divorce Party, let me point out that the porn site mentioned above does not exist. I repeat. The porn site above does not exist; I just made it up, PERVERTS! Half of you have already found that out and half were waiting to check it out after they finish this entry. Nonetheless, I’m sure those of you who haven’t, will still attempt the IP address later.***

A Divorce Party, MUST be mandatory. Meaning, no divorce can be finalized unless a government witness, who is to be paid by the couple, is in attendance.

Divorce Party Details:

  1. The person (priest, minister, etc.) who officiated the marriage must be present at the divorce Party. If that person is deceased, a replacement Official of equal importance must be present.
  2. The same location, or one which is comparable must be selected.
  3. A photographer must be hired. If a videographer was hired to film the wedding, you guessed it — one must be hired for the divorce. (Copies of the film MUST be made readily available to anyone who desires one.)
  4. The Divorce Party is a two part event, just as most marriages are.
  5. If a couple is married in a church, the divorce party’s first act must also occur in a church. There must also be a Divorce Mass, if there was one for the wedding. Conversely, if the wedding was not held in a church, then a similar location must be chosen.
  6. Every person who was invited to the wedding must be invited to the Divorce, and the invitations are to be sent out in a timely manner. Furthermore, the invitations are to be sent out with the same grandiose as the ones for the wedding.
  7. Groomsmen and Bridesmaids are to be selected. If an individual who served during the wedding is unavailable, he or she must be replaced. (The suits and dresses are to be paid for by the divorcing couple, and limousines are to be provided for transportation)
  8. For the first act of the event, the couple must sit before the witnesses, and answer any and all questions that will be asked by the Wedding Official. (priest minister, etc) The guests will not be permitted to ask any questions. This will be the Officials time, but guests CAN challenge the truthfulness of any answer. Snickering by the audience is not only allowed, but encouraged. Also, the yelling out of asinine comments, may be frowned upon but, WILL be allowed.
  9. When the Wedding Official is satisfied with the answers given, he or she will allow the divorce proceedings to continue.
  10. At the end of the first ceremony, the couple must walk down the isle side-by-side, detached, with arms folded.
  11. The divorcing couple must ride together in the same car; they are free to select any vehicle. The Bridal Party will ride to the Divorce Reception in the limousines provided.
  12. The main event must be held in a hall of equal or greater elegance as the wedding hall.
  13. The Bridal Party must get together at a chosen location and take photos.
  14. Hors d’œuvres must be served for the guests while they await the arrival of the Bridal Party.

*******MY FAVORITE RULE*******

  1. THE DIVORCE RECEPTION MUST BE OPEN-BAR! (Paid for by the couple, and we’re definitely talking about open-bar all night! And none of that garbage about, “you can only have this or that.” COMPLETELY OPEN-BAR!) To further illustrate my point, the bar must be more open than the vagina of…{This is the portion of the blog where the reader gets to be involved!!! Insert name of someone you know, who has a vagina which is always open for business. Have fun with this; it’s not an assignment. Feel free to add that name in the comment section, tweet it, post it on facebook, or you can text it to your best friend!}
  2. The Bridal Party must be individually announced when they enter the reception hall.
  3. The seating arrangements are specific. The guests are to be seated in the same manner as a typical wedding reception. The members of the Bridal Party are to be seated in the middle of the room facing the elevated main table, which will seat the divorcing couple. (It is essential for the “Divorce Table to be elevated, so all guests can have an unobstructed view of the divorcing couple.”)
  4. There is to be an MC, who will be responsible for all announcements.
  5. A live band or DJ must also be hired.
  6. Each member of the Bridal Party will have the opportunity to either give a speech, or ask questions of the divorcing couple. (They are to answer any and every question honestly. Anyone in attendance will be allowed to challenge the validity of the answers.) The divorcing couple must present members of the Bridal Party with an appropriate gift, after each person speaks.
  7. It will then be the open-mic segment of the evening. This is when the lavish dinner MUST be served. Any and all guests will be allowed the opportunity to ask a question, or give a speech. The MC must ensure that each guest who has a question for the divorcing couple is heard.
  8. Once all questions are answered, and the government witness is satisfied, the dancing can commence. (The guests of honor are not allowed to refuse any dance requests.)
  9. The divorcing couple will not be permitted to leave the reception until all of the guests depart.

If someone has the desire to be promiscuous and free, I have no problem with it. Live your life as you please! Just don’t put on a charade in front of family and friends, by getting married. Let matrimony be for the people who are truly in love – stay single and do your thing. It is my sincere hope that, by implementing my Divorce Party idea, people will think twice before rushing into a marriage for the wrong reasons!!!